posted on Aug, 14 2013 @ 03:41 AM
reply to post by svetlana84
I had the two jobs right before I met my (now) ex and dropped one of them after we moved in together. My extreme drinking began right after I tinkered
with the demon conjuring. I bought a house in a neighboring state (the market was better there) and began almost a decade of commuting four hours each
day, round trip. Everyone told me to find a job closer to home but I have a hard time adjusting to new environments and people, etc. so decided to
endure the commute. There has always been this internal drill sergeant in my head that says ‘get your ass up every day and go function properly in
the world; no excuses!’ I missed no more than 5 days of work in 13 years at the same job until I left the country in late 2011.
The weekend blackouts became a necessity for a variety of reasons and when I was required to visit the in-laws I’d be so angry all week long knowing
that I couldn’t disappear into oblivion. Then the following weekend I’d black out almost instantly on Friday night which was no fun because I
enjoyed the slow, semi-conscious slide into nothingness. The quick blackouts were always the worst. I was just overloaded with having to perform in
the world and act normal…and from who knows what else is inside me. To this day I’d rather spend the entire weekend in the house even though I
haven’t blacked out since last December (except for one or two times).
Ha ha; acting normal is my specialty…or so I think; others may disagree. I never leave the house in jeans, t-shirts, or sneakers. Always chinos,
shoes, and a collared shirt when in public; no exceptions. I have no tattoos, am clean shaven, and have a short, conservative haircut. Some call that
vaguely psychopathic but it’s in some sort of a mental rulebook for me. Also, I’m the neighbor that smiles and approaches you outside the house. I
always make the first move with neighbors and new people; smiling and chatting. This is proactive ‘cheeriness’ so people don’t think I’m
crazy…maybe it has the opposite effect? All I know is that I must behave in a very specific social fashion or I’ll be ‘found out’ so to speak.
I get all pissy when people come to visit on the weekends because I’ve had enough interaction at work. Then right before they walk in I ‘flip’
and become Mr. friendly-social guy….it really irritates my girlfriend who has to deal with the cranky me that nobody else is allowed to see.
The people at my new job already think I’m crazy because I told them I used to have 6 cats and kept huge spiders as pets even though I have
arachnophobia. I shouldn’t have said that but it’s so damn hard to be ‘normal’. I think people can pick on the weirdness in my energy field no
matter hard I try to fit in and be invisible.
Anyway; I’ve yammered on long enough…I hope that answers your question. I’ll see if my girlfriend will comment on my social personality
‘flips’….she has a better perspective on it than I do.
All of the thanks should go to you, Svetlana, for your initial post. Everyone on ATS has been great; I really appreciate the warm reception.