Originally posted by new_here
reply to post by spartacus699
I learned that I was harboring resentment towards my own self over past mistakes. Punishing myself, so to speak. Setting myself up in a number of
ways, to experience misery. I learned that I was attracting negative reactions/situations by 'secretly' believing I deserved them.
So I thought of that little child within. That innocent little being within me who only ever really wanted to love and be loved. I pictured my inner
child as a wide-eyed 4 year old... and she was lonely and crying, and needed me, more than anyone, to accept her-- faults and all-- and love her
unconditionally. As strange as this all sounds, I looked into the mirror, deep into my own eyes and said, "You are Love. You are Worthy. I forgive
you for not being perfect. Feel Love."
I think the post above is excellent advise. Spartacus, your outlook on life is so similar to mine. For the past 10+ years, ever since I graduated
from high school, I always got so close to success, time after time, and every time I got knocked down and I was at square one. I always brushed any
kind of misfortune off as bad things happen to everyone, and it could be a whole lot worse, I could be a starving Ethiopian child, or raped or
whatever. I always counted my blessings and remembered that every obstacle toughened me up and made me the strong warrior that I am. I never let it
get me down and always picked myself up and like you, was at a place where nothing phased me anymore. It was like "here we go again" and I got
through all of that other stuff, I can get through anything now. But there came a point where I realized it was getting ridiculous and I was ready to
be past these same old obstacles and move on to some new and more interesting ones. I was determined to figure out what was causing this pattern.
Hell, I even went through past life regression to fiure out what it was, and I'm glad I did but it seemed to raise more questions than it answered.
But somehow I just knew that I was pushing the things I want away. As soon as I came close, I had this feeling in my gut that said "no, I don't
want it" and it p!ssed me the hell off! I couldn't stop it.
This is what helped me and it's very similar to what new_here posted. For a moment, I felt small and insecure, like a frightened little girl. This
being the complete opposite of my nature, I was wondering where it came from. So I thought back in my mind to my early childhood to when I remembered
feeling like that, pictured myself as a little girl and basically told my child self that my situation wasn't fair, but that it was necessary to make
me tough and self reliant and that it helped her become who she is today. I told myself to be brave and that things will be better in the future. I
actually "went back" to talk to my child self on a few different occasions for different issues. But that was just the beginning. I had a lot of
This was an ongoing process which just begun not long ago. I did this on a weekly which now became a daily basis. Another day I focused on the
pattern I was living, always being knocked down, pushing good things away, etc, and I just sat in silence and asked for an answer why. I guess you
could say I meditated on it. I didn't try
to get an answer, I first calmed myself down and focused on my breath for a bit and then just kind
of...cleared my energy? Don't know how to put that. Anyway, I just thought about the pattern. Then memories came forth where it happened before,
which brought back earlier and earlier memories, like the flood gates started to open. I then got hit with memories that have long since been
repressed, completely forgot about them. The light bulb went off, and it suddenly became perfectly clear to me why this was happening. I felt
lighter, like a weight had been lifted but at the same time I felt those emotions again which were unpleasant. Instinctively, I felt that I needed to
feel those emotions strongly in order for me to truly get past it and move on. So I did that, found the nugget of usefulness that I could take from
it, how it helped toughen me, and released it. But that wasn't it, other memories kept coming which explained all of these other issues I've had
that I didn't even really think about. Don't get me wrong, I'm a very functioning member of society, but I never realized I was carrying around
all of this baggage, and anyone else you talk to who knows me would never have guessed it either. I'm still working through it, it's been about a
month since I've started this little journey but I so far I feel a lot better. I'm still working on a big one that came up though.
Anywho, sorry or being so long winded. I think if you look around at your situation, think about what is familiar about it and the answers will