I Swore an Oath

She walked up the driveway toward me and her friend stayed in the car. I had the hood of my car up and was working on my engine. I saw there was something amiss as she approached me, she had her head down and only made eye contact when she stopped directly in front of me.

Her voice came soft and quiet. She explained that she could no longer see me because her boyfriend was back in town. I was totally blindsided. I thought I was her boyfriend. We had been dating all summer and I had fallen in love with her. I had imagined an engagement and even marriage.

My heart was dying inside as she continued to explain that she never meant to hurt me. I could see her lips moving and her eyes blinking and even feel her exhale. I stood frozen in my pain. The pain of knowing that no one had told me that she already had a boyfriend. My eyes refused to cry and I felt empty and when she stopped talking I had nothing to say. After a short silence, she turned and walked back to her car and drove away.

That night, I lay in my bed looking out my window at a full moon. I wept and felt my heart turning over in my chest, twisted and strangled by my pain. I spoke an oath to myself and to the heavens that night. I would never allow myself to love someone that much ever again.

That oath was to haunt me all my life. Through a number of relationships and two failed marriages I never allowed myself to truly love without reservation. The pain of that loss was so great I felt like I would die if I had to go through it again.

My fear motivated my withholding of my love. I didn’t love fairly nor completely ever again. I had sworn I would never be vulnerable again. I kept my heart locked away. Now it has been imprisoned for so long I don’t know the combination to unlock it.

I swore an oath to my own hurt.

Thanks for writing that story if you did. I have a very similar situation and Ive been thinking about it more and more lately, and a lot especially today. Find it cool that I found and read this tonight when I needed to hear it from somebody else. Im 35 and haven't seriously dated anyone for over 10 years and I feel like Im ok alone. I too was hurt and didn't want to open myself up to let anybody else do that again. So far nobody has, however as time goes on and all my friends are getting married and having kids I just go on existing. Im not a bad looking guy and have had many opportunities to date but I always just end up blowing it off, or not pursuing.

I feel like im at that crossroads in my life where if I don't change now Im going to be alone till the end, which I think I can handle and get through it, but im realizing how much I will miss. Maybe Im suppressing it and my subconscious is just pressing the issue more as my window gets smaller .

Love is the most powerful drug on the planet if you ask me, and its hard to just let go and trust someone fully especially if you've been hurt in the past. However the truth is all of us has been hurt at one time or another and its part of why we are here to experience these things. Anyways just wants to say thanks for posting, ive got more thinking to do!

reply to post by BDIDDY425

I hope you are able to find the strength and courage to be vulnerable again. Trying to protect ourselves only leads to unfulfillment. We should never allow fear to provoke us into a self serving life. I can not use my pain to justify hurting someone else. I am struggling with this very issue in many different ways. When I withhold my love from others I am hurting them and myself. I am doing a lot of writing to process what I am feeling and experiencing. Good luck in your search and I don't mean to be cheesey, but it really is true, that if you leave your heart open, love will find its way in. I am still in that struggle to let my heart be open.

reply to post by grayeagle


Hi greyeagle. I liked your story, And i know where you are coming from. I can switch off emotions like a lightswitch sometimes. But the biggest thing for me is opening my heart and letting that special person in. Its so true that love is the most powerful drug. When it hits you your powerless to stop it what ever you try!. You have just got to take the chance and hope for the best. And like you say eventually you will find what your looking for ...Take care my friend

reply to post by TheDoctor46

Hi Doc, Thanks for taking the time to comment. I just read an interesting study that found oxytocin, the feel good chemical associated with love, can also produce a negative stress as well. Maybe I am battling its darkside .I am sure thankful I don't have to walk this road alone.