Where Were You When...

reply to post by mysterioustranger


Sad story, dude. Sorry you have had to deal with that.

Personally, I've wondered if that's why I've never loved anyone, or maybe more precisely, why I've (possibly) never let myself love anyone. The thought of losing someone is so great I could never let myself become that attached. I dunno and I'm not great at analyzing myself.

I'm as content as I can be in this mukked up world so that's good enough for me but I do wonder if that old cliche, It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, is true or not. In cases like your brother's it killed him. Could I ever go through that? Is it worth it? I truly have no answers to any of that.

One thing I know is true is the more I learn the less I understand. I thought wisdom was supposed to come with age, what the hell happened, dammit? I learn all kinds of things everyday and seem to become stupider as life goes on. Meh. I'm not asking you for answers, just your story got me ruminating about all that crap.

reply to post by TheSpanishArcher

Thanks. The suicide was tragic in itself. But my brother and I performed and wrote music together for over 45 years. Every year, everywhere, every tour. And suddenly...he was gone. And a large part of me is too.

And no, there is no reason to it all either. Its just LIFE. Its why we are here. Make the most of it my friend...while you have the time. God Bless....MS.

Ironically, this thread has become something of a self-fulfilling prophecy for me.

Several months ago I received a message from a stranger who had been reading some of my posts. A dialogue began - one that soon became involved enough to find its way away from ATS and onto social networking sites more adapted to real time conversation and even to a few phone calls.

A very quick and powerful friendship emerged and began to blossom.

This friendship was the first time in years that I found myself truly opening up to another person on any legitimate and real level. It was definitely a rocky process, filled with ups and downs... Introverts don't tend to reemerge from their cocoons with a lot of grace. This friend was infinitely patient and considerate as this all played out. Slowly, but surely, we bonded and I began to feel safe about doing so.

That feeling of safety led, ultimately, to the sorts of thoughts that led to me writing this OP. For the first time in nearly six years I could look back into my past and not feel despair and absolute pain from even the slightest glance. I was able to see the past, good and bad, for what it was... the past. Something that needed to, at long last, be put to rest.

In essence that is what spawned this thread... my need for closure... my need to wipe away some of the slate so that there would be fresh space to begin writing the future upon.

Unfortunately, as is often the case with me... I couldn't escape thinking in very, very subjective and self-oriented terms. That is to say, bluntly put, I was thinking of nothing but myself as I set about the business of putting my past to rest. I did not even stop think how this might effect my new friend... A person who'd just spent months of their life investing in me and in helping me to come out of my shell.

In my selfish and blind mindset I wrote a glowing eulogy to a person who couldn't care less if I live or die and, in doing so, offered great insult to a person who daily went of their way to let me know that they did care about such things.

To make matters worse, it took me days to even begin to understand what offense I had given. A thousand things ran through my mind... and this thread didn't even register. It was only tonight that a light bulb went off and it all clicked. In trying to make peace with my past, I caused injury to my present.

This is a lesson and a memory that will undoubtedly stick with me for years to come... and it happened over the past several days, right here.

To tell a moment that altered my life forever would only make sense if you knew my entire story, it's a sad tragic tale.

but i was about 19 almost 20, left for dead and unconscious in the middle of the street, broken and bleeding, if it had been a busy night, or the car hadn't stopped it would have ran over me and i wouldn't be here to tell this tale. it ended up not only saving my life but altering it forever, the person that stopped ended up being my Dragmother, she taught me everything he/she knew about the Drag business, about the Culture, about not being afraid of being me, of my femininity and expressing myself (after 18 years of family abuse and torture) and another year of abuse and torture homeless on the streets of Hollywood, he died of aids when i was 21, it's been almost 3 years since he died, but if he didn't stop and pick me up, and literally save my life i wouldn't be here, nor would i be the Queen i am today

You smooth mover Heff! Kissing the bride on her wedding day!

It's making me a little sad, because I cannot really instantly come up with a moment like you all have! I've enjoyed reading them though, and I'll have a bit of a deeper think and see if something triggers in my mind. Truth be told, at the ripe old age of 27, my memory is already absolutely shocking!

and new_here - FANTASTIC drawings! I love how something someone can say as a passing comment, can make such a profound mark on a person!