posted on Jul, 14 2013 @ 11:58 PM
Continued from above..
This weekend I was out in the woods, camping with my wife, and it was a great time, but I felt an uneasiness unlike before. I felt like I was out of
touch with everything around me, and out of touch with myself in many ways. When I was in my teenage years and early twenties, I would spend a lot of
time meditating and praying in the woods, feeling close to the Lord, feeling like I was bonding with Him around His creation, it was great. Over the
years I would try to attempt this again, but it would fail. Then ultimately, this weekend, I felt so guilt, so ashamed, like something in me was lost.
If you were to ask me "are you still a Christian, are your still going to heaven?" I would say yes, of course to both. Do I still love the Lord and
stand up for Him? Absolutely, so whats wrong?
I feel like my life has become a never ending continuation of not caring, like I read the news, I hear the horrible things, call it insensitivity, but
I become like I don't care, like I care in terms of intellect, in saying "that is a bad thing, I wish it didn't happen." But in my heart I don't
really care. That's what I hate the most about myself. Is that nothing separates me from someone with no morals. I am a Christian, I am supposed to
have the heart of God, yet someone with no religion is no different than me. (No I am not saying you cant be a good person without a belief in God, I
am referring more towards the person who lives life like there is no consequence) So why do I lack these morals and all of that? It is the worse
feeling to drive by a poor man, and not care, and worse, even feel the right to criticize him.. That could be Jesus there..
So as I write this here is what comes to mind; As I get older, I find myself desensitized, and I find myself having to try hard, to work towards
caring, or I can do what feels natural, and put myself above them and their situation. I feel like I want to embrace philosophies that make it easy to
accept why other people have horrible lives and circumstances, I feel like I want to say "they deserve it." or "they aren't as good as me."
Something I would never have even considered in my early years. Or even day to day interactions, I get impatient with the cook preparing my meal at
some restaurant, or I want to lash out at someone who messed up in the slightest, as though I am so entitled and deserving of other peoples service. I
feel like I want to embrace the common held notion that if I have the money to be this way, then be it, that whoever serves me, is below me.
Yet at the same time I struggle within. People talk all around me about their next business investment, or their future plans, or talk about this life
like this life is forever, like money and riches are forever. And I sit here thinking who cares? I mean yes money is nice, and its good to have
ambition, but I feel like I am content with my life, like I don't want or need anything more than what I already have, and I live paycheck to
paycheck. So its funny on one hand I am so for the way this life is, then on the other, I cant even take "real life" stuff seriously, because I see
how everything is so passing and fleeting, and for nothingness, I often wonder if I were about to die would I even care? So deep within me you find
the birth of a man who becomes like anybody else in the world, and the dying of a man who is good, and somewhere in between is me, the man typing
Maybe "being good" comes natural at a younger age, and "being bad" comes natural at an older age. The world becomes scary as you get older, you
either have to amplify this fear by realizing your shortcomings, that your not as strong, smart, or original as you thought, or you can counter these
fears by "proving" you are stronger, smarter, and more creative by crushing other people through monetary means, and this is glorified. You have
brought up a great topic OP, I appreciate you being brave enough to admit this. To anybody who reads this, pray for me, and for others.
I leave you with one last thought; "As a young man, I thought how can I need Jesus when I have few sins to be forgiven? Yet now, I realize how can I
not need Jesus, when I have many sins to be forgiven?" I can attest with all of my life and being, that the older I get, the more I realize I am in
need of a Savior, that all of my shortcomings cannot be forgiven by any means of my own doing, and that the more I realize the evil I truly am deep
within, that I am forgiven of this, allows me to see Gods love deeper. "The greater the sinner, the greater the man who knows God's love."