Never underestimate a woman's desire to be mistreated.

I give up.

This is directed at you women. Why is it that you will constantly use your friends, and then just go back to the deadbeat that is the cause of your problems?

Is there something wrong with the average woman's brain? Do you women really enjoy being abused? Why do you seek the solace of a friend, and then ignore their advice?

I have dated a wide variety of women, I don't really have a "type".

I've come to notice, that they all make the same mistake every time. Someone tell me why this is.

Loads of generalizations there.

Id throw the question back at you, whats wrong with you that the women you chose to associate with (or are attracted to) have these issues?

All women, like All men, are not the same.

You lack understanding.

I've seen many people go through what you just described, the women them selves most likely have insecurity, trust, and other psychological issues they need to address them selves.

reply to post by benrl


Well, I'm not always attracted to the same kinds of women. I see the generalizations, I'm probably not in the right mood for this right, now, but damn it. I need to hash this out.

Of the women I've known, not just the one's I've dated, most of them, not all of them of course, but a good 90% of them at least, always make the same mistake over and over again.

reply to post by ObservingYou


Understanding only goes so far when you're the one that ends up having to deal with it. I'm just tired of being the "fall back" guy.

Originally posted by dave_welch
reply to post by ObservingYou

 

Understanding only goes so far when you're the one that ends up having to deal with it. I'm just tired of being the "fall back" guy.

Stop allowing yourself to be the fall back guy then

Simple see?

Originally posted by benrl
Loads of generalizations there.

Id throw the question back at you, whats wrong with you that the women you chose to associate with (or are attracted to) have these issues?

All women, like All men, are not the same.

Agreed... loads of generalizations for sure.. this sounds like a person recently scorned.

Human nature, not gender is at play here... Guys definitely do the same.. I've been guilty of returning repeatedly to an unhealthy relationship

Originally posted by dave_welch
reply to post by ObservingYou

 

Understanding only goes so far when you're the one that ends up having to deal with it. I'm just tired of being the "fall back" guy.

You made that choice yourself..

"Victims, aren't we all?"

- Brandon Lee from "The Crow"

maybe it's the way you are meeting them are you getting to know them before you date them or are you meeting them online i have never dated a girl without having first knowing them first .

either that or you just are unlucky to draw all the nutter's plenty more fish in the sea

reply to post by dave_welch


You make a good point, you need to remember females have no logic, once your aware of that your fine, you put 5 men in any room for a woman to choose partner from, if 1 has murdered a child or person, that man will be the man she will choose as partner.
They love danger, you tell a woman not to hitch hike in the dark she will do it, you tell her to get in a strangers car she wont.
No I only know this because I have two sisters, they are 38 and 27 years old, and I cannot figure any of them out yet, yep no logic just about sums em up.

reply to post by billdadobbie


Neither have I. I gave up on the online thing a couple of years ago after meeting too many crazies. Normally though, especially in this most recent case, I get to know them long before going further.

Honestly, in this case it may not be her fault. The guy she's with has threatened her with several things before. Whether she wants to be with me or not, she is my friend, and I can find no way to help her here. That's driving me fracking bananas.

reply to post by miniatus


No, I haven't chosen anything like that. How is it my fault that I get used?

I constantly get told by friends and ex's and even people that I'm not friends with how great I am and all that bull*. If that was the case, this crap wouldn't happen so regularly.

I'm just worn out emotionally. I don't get it. How can people do the things they do to the ones that care the most about them and not have one iota of guilt?

I can answer some of that. Mind you it is a question of degree. I would not return if someone physically abused me. I have returned, several times, to someone that abuses me mentally/emotionally.

When I first met him, he was funny. charming and so so bright. He was dazzling, shone like the sun. He used all his gifts to gain my love, and he did. Problems arose, as they will, it became apparent that he had mental issues.

To answer your question. Love is the primary reason, when you love someone, you are not often smart about it. Second the idea that I am not perfect and maybe he cannot help it, due to the mental thing. Third, the need to be needed, some of us have this to an almost pathological degree. I am currently apart from him, he is in contact with me, trying hard to show he can behave. The more time passes the more guilt I have. The more I feel the pull of his need.

I hope this helps you a little bit. I am not advocating tolerance of any kind of abuse, I am only relating the reasons I have tolerated it in the past. I hope this time to be strong and just move on.
Edited to add, the last time he got extremely abusive, he scared me, abuse escalates and I think it could become physical.

reply to post by dave_welch

The Stockholm Syndrome might have something to do with it.

reply to post by dave_welch


Dude,

You are going to have to go learn about Trauma Bonding. Just start by Googling it. If you really want an answer to your question, learning about that, and stuff like attachment theory, will help you along.

Good luck.

Originally posted by dave_welch
reply to post by miniatus

 

No, I haven't chosen anything like that. How is it my fault that I get used?

You, like her, keep going back to an unhealthy relationship.. there's obviously a clear pattern here... If she's guilty of going back to a deadbeat guy, you're guilty of going back to her to be used, rinsed and repeated...no?

reply to post by Iamschist


That's my point though. Don't go back to him. Every abusive guy will do the same thing. He'll be an awful person until you're fed up, then he'll be just as nice as pie until he can get you back.

Don't continue that cycle. Only you are in control of your life. Move on, you may just find that you have been missing out on something much better. I know, God knows, I know that it's hard to move on. But, you have to base your life on your past experiences, and from what you've said here, those experiences are screaming at you to get away.

I hope I'm not coming off as mean or anything. I'm genuinely giving you the best advice I can give.

Originally posted by dave_welch
reply to post by Iamschist

 

That's my point though. Don't go back to him. Every abusive guy will do the same thing. He'll be an awful person until you're fed up, then he'll be just as nice as pie until he can get you back.

Don't continue that cycle. Only you are in control of your life. Move on, you may just find that you have been missing out on something much better. I know, God knows, I know that it's hard to move on. But, you have to base your life on your past experiences, and from what you've said here, those experiences are screaming at you to get away.

I hope I'm not coming off as mean or anything. I'm genuinely giving you the best advice I can give.

Thank you and yes, you are completely right. Women like me were abused as children, it takes a long time to realize we deserve better. Not an excuse, I know.

Because they love the guy. Why does anybody love anybody?

"The heart has it's reasons".

reply to post by miniatus


Well, I guess so. It's not really a choice so much as a lack of options. I guess a little explanation is in order.

Okay, so we're very close. I'd never expressed my feelings towards her openly though, as I'm not the kind of person to break up a relationship.

Anyway, on the 4th, she sends me a message that she needs someone to talk to. I had nothing to do, so I figured I could at least have some company, as I was in a bad spot emotionally.

She tells me how she'd thrown him out, she just needed someone to be there, which I can understand.

She asked me why I haven't been over to see her in a while. So I just up and told her that I didn't want to see her with him anymore. He really is an awful person. He mentally and emotionally abuses her a lot. He uses her kids as leverage against her. Her kids are very attached to him, and he uses that against her alot. He threatens to call Child Protective Services on her with a bunch of made up claims, but she is a good mother. Anyway, I told her how I really felt about her, and she said that she'd felt the same way.

One thing led to another, and you know how this part goes, I won't go into details. I left that morning to go home and get some sleep. I came back that evening and he was there. He's been there every day I've driven by since.

I don't know what to do. On one hand, I think he may have threatened her again, which makes me want to personally run him off. But, on the other hand, what if he didn't? What if she's just gone back to him again like always?

Whether she wants to be with me or not. I don't want to see my friend go through that, but right now, her phone is broken and the only way I can get a hold of her is to just go over there. But, if I go and he's there, I'm afraid of what I'll do to him. What can I do?