Loaves of Optimism

I backspace the lines I have written,
troubled by my thoughts.
Undoing what seems so fake,
my words cut like a rake.

My heart is glassed over with a plastic sheet
that barely lets it beat.
I can see it through the thin veneer,
There’s so much blood and carnage here.

My anger, pain and love forming a deadly clot,
my life’s flow has been stopped.
So many areas of my life are withering.
unable to heal, I am mortally wounded.

I have pulled back into my core,
my arms unwilling to reach out anymore.
I am afraid to embrace life again
unwilling to risk anything to begin.

Self preservation ,what a hopeless delusion.
“If you seek to save your life you will lose it.”
Living causes such utter confusion,
only dying will bring the conclusion.

I am lonely because I am afraid not to be.
Partner, significant other, and lover,
I fear you for what you can do to me.
I am convinced I will never recover.

I circle life like the oxen
treading out the grain,
baking loaves of optimism
that will never rise again.

Is there no one,
a kindred spirit,
a fellow sufferer,
another lonely person.,
who understands?

Where are you soul mate?
Have we met or will we meet?
Will you dine with me
or devour me?

I am held together by my faith
that a spirit of love will never leave me.
I am reassured by that still voice
that this too shall pass.

reply to post by grayeagle


Wow, what a piece. I empathize with so much of that. It's a search and it takes copious amounts of energy.

reply to post by grayeagle


That's a wonderful piece of writing. And so sad also. I can relate to a lot of it as well. I remember a thread you did when you said come take my hand and walk with me if you felt lonely or something similar. Well now I will return the favor and walk with you friend

reply to post by TheDoctor46


Thanks Doc! I certainly will take your hand! It has been a rough week! A lot of physical issues and lack of sleep. Chronic pain has a way of robbing a person's joy. Writing has become my catharsis for dealing with it. The very act of expressing it seems to alleviate it to some degree. I am an optimistic person by nature so when I hit lows like this it is troubling. I am still waiting to have my knee surgery and I will be seeing the surgeon on the 9th and will know more then. Thank you my friend and peace be to you.

reply to post by Z132897

Thank you for your thoughts and comfort. It is a lot of work isn't it? I see you are at the beginning of your ATS posting life. Welcome along eternity's road!

I see you're from Idaho, Boise

I too am from Idaho (though not living there currently) Twin Falls to be precise.

Man, what a great piece of art. I really hope you find that someone you are looking for and that you will have the courage and the heart to take the challenge head on!

They say tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

Well having loved and lost ( I was married for eight years) I am not so certain as to the validity of the statement. I am not, in fact, certain I will ever allow myself to love again. It's dangerous waters, love. dangerous indeed.

Kallisti

reply to post by CagliostroTheGreat


Thanks for stopping bye! I was married the first time for 27 years and then for almost 8 years. Both times betrayed. I remained monogamous while they didn't. I have come to doubt my decision making regarding relationships. The idea of growing old without a partner is scary but at this point probably reality.

Love sure is dangerous territory. Im currently going through a divorce and cant wait to be honest! Who knows what the future holds for me, I sure don't! And going through the relationship thing again sure is a nerve racking thought. Finding that special one seems light years away. But im sure i will get in that spaceship again eventually! Urrgggg the thought of having to start again!!! Well cagliostro i hope your search is successful. And you also greyeagle. I hope you find true happiness also. And hope you sort your knee out

reply to post by TheDoctor46

When I think of all the adjustments and compromises that have to be worked out for a relationship to be successful it seems like there just isn't time left to do it all over again. I ache for human touch, the smell and the warmth. The looks and smiles and laughter.

I hope and pray all of us feeling alone will somehow find the peace that comes from knowing God. I feel like I have nowhere else to turn. Perhaps God will take pity on this mortal and heal my brokenness.

reply to post by grayeagle


Hi grayeagle, That cut to the bone...your rendering went straight to my heart...I understand fully. I am so alone and lost too. Things in my life are changing for the worst by the minute. Hubby is getting sicker (cancer) and I fear the worst...he can't last much longer with the down ward trend his health has taken recently. I will be beyond alone. No support group as far as family/friends.

I'm one of those types that has always felt alone in a crowd. The mister has been a good man but different. I had this Norman Rockwell picture in my minds eye of my life and what would transpire yet everything was always a "notch" off. Now, at the end of it all...there is nothing but pain/physical/emotional and such. My soul feels as if it will shrivel from the futility and hopelessness of it all. I am about ready to give up and never dream dreams anymore...never dream the impossible dream that somehow my life will have meaning and importance...that I will ever make a difference relevant to anything that really matters in this world.

There seem to be so many unkind folks coming at me at threads of late...so little compassion. The milk of human kindness seems to have dried at the breast. I feel your frustration...I feel your pain.

I am probably not going to come to ATS anymore so couldn't leave without saying good bye to a sweet friend. Same goes for natalia, Doc and Cody if they happen to read this. You guys sustained me at a time when I needed it most. Grayeagle, I think I u2u'd to you my home addy. Hugs, Blessings and love to you and to all here that matter.

Oh, and the chronic pain thing...I'm having that to and insomnia...I don't know how much more I can endure. I go for more intense tests for my knee/back soon. My aunt had Cancer in the knee and i am having same symptoms in same knee so wondering.. big,unexplained weight loss, pain worse at nite and very intense and lumps/tumors showing up on knee/legs/ankle...all symptoms of bone cancer...could be MS related but maybe not. Will see. I hope your health issues resolve. Sorry to be such a downer on your thread/topic. Love, Joanne

grayeagle, A picture of who you are talking to here in Shreveport.

Hoping you are o.k.

reply to post by shrevegal

I am so sorry to hear of your situation! Pain can make us feel so alone. Even Jesus cried out "My God, my God why hast thou forsaken me? You have mentioned Natalia, Doc and Cody as bringing you comfort. If so why would you abandon that comfort now? Please don't let pain drive you away. Stay engaged with those of us you have found connection with. Avoid the other forums where hateful people hang out.

Your physical issues will resolve one way or another. You are taking the steps to find out what is going on and rest in that. So much of life is out of our control the best we can do is surrender our efforts to do so. I am sorry to hear of your husband's deteriorating condition. The thought of losing our mate is a fearful one. I have lost two from divorce but I have found other relationships that sustain me. My relationship with Jesus and the friends I make around me including you and the others here on ATS.

We are fortunate that this technology provides us the ability to make friends from a distance. It is kind of amazing to think of. Your picture is much appreciated. You are a beautiful woman with a beautiful heart. This next thing I encourage you to do will be the challenge. Pain wants us to retreat but we must not do that. Find opportunity to make friends and reach out. Build into your life safe havens, find places where you fit in. Volunteer to help others. Keep ATS a safe haven.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your husband. Consider yourself hugged.

reply to post by grayeagle


Hi again, I am so sorry for the rant I did here on your beautiful and heartfelt topic/thread. I am doing better....shoulda just took a deep breath and counted to 10 and not got so goofey all over the place with my posting the other day. I get too emotional sometimes. Anyhow, I'm doin fine now...had time to re-group and settle down and re-think things. There are so many people that have way worse probs...folks and kids in the middle of wars and things like that, I need to think more about others and less about my "stuff". Once I get to feeling better, I may start doing volunteer work at the VA again or some such. Thanx and Blessings to you for your kindess and for listening. Keep writing those wonderful renderings. You sure have the spirit of a writer/poet. Hugs, J. I will always care for and appreciate my few buddies here at ATS!

Hello shrevegal and greyeagle. Hope your both doing ok. I sent a message to you Shrevegal when i saw your first post before i got to read your second one!. It was like a panic message before i thought you were going to disappear forever... Im so glad you reconsidered . ...Its a tough life for sure out there. And the truth is some of us find it harder others. I have my real down dark days to and have got stuff happening right now. But i will carry on and hope people like yourselves will as well. Greyeagle was spot on what he said. Why abandon the comfort of others. There are good people on here, And we will help each other through im sure

reply to post by TheDoctor46

I appreciate so many of you folks and just knowing you are here is a great comfort. Shrevegal no apologies necessary, I am glad you reconsidered. I always look forward to hearing your compassion and caring heart. Doc I have come to really appreciate your sincerity and you are so right, life is tough, sometimes really tough! That's what makes having friends like you so encouraging! I hope to keep you all as friends on into the future. Peace to my friends and my sincere hope and prayer is that all of us may taste and experience peace and joy.

reply to post by grayeagle

Thanks for the kind words greyeagle. I sure do hope peace and joy is out there for us all. Im sure eventually we WILL find what we are looking for. And your poetry is simply great. It certainly is painted with sadness but sadness has to be let out somehow or it will bubble up inside us. Many thanks my friend