Tired of Being Strong

reply to post by shrevegal


...Take care,I love you
you can do it for me
Cause I'm doing it now
Struggling that is....hang in there

Originally posted by shrevegal
I'm tired of being strong today too. Not having a good day...I am pretty much where you were at the other day...feeling low. My MS is flaring up bad today and causing terrible mood swings and horrific pain. Perhaps I shouldn't post on such days...is hard not to as I am insomniac too and haven't slept in days...coming here is all I have left at times like this. Sorry for MY rant. I haven't slept in days...by the time stamps on my posts...one can see I hardly ever sleep.

I get misunderstood a lot at thread topics too. It is frustrating. I had fun plans for 4th July but will have to cancel...too bad off and don't wanna spoil other folks fun. I suppose me writing this spoils stuff too.

Not my intention. Anyway, I hope you are doing better at least. Blessings and take care and hugs. Don't know when I will be back or if I should just quit posting. My "Rockets Red Glare" post relevant to the 4th July was important and slipped away at the chat forum. Take care and be good to yourself! I'm gonna try for some sleep and take my meds that I have been avoiding...they make me feel fuzzy but may take edge off this Gosh awful pain.

My heart goes out to you. I always have chronic pain and it interferes in my life and makes me realize how limited I am in what I can do and for how long. Take one day at a time. It's all we can do really. Know that others are here and care.

There must be something you can take for your insomnia. Have you spoken to your doctor about it? I say this and it is 3am and I havn't slept yet. LOL

Thnax for the kind comments to me from folks above. Hugs and love to you...you have gentle spirits and kind/loving hearts and what ya'll have said means so much to me.

I have tried every med, herb, vitamin, mineral and neditation...melatonin...every thinng relevant to sleep. It is the intense pain that stops sleep, I think. Hopefully, Doc will have palliative care for that. Thanx again for kindness from ya'll. Love and hugs to all. Better days are comin for sure..."Life is a bowl a cherries, ya just gotta watch out for the pits.

reply to post by shrevegal


Yeah, I'm tired in every way LCH. However, hubby has Cancer and is refusing treatment at the VA other than palliative treatment and also trying some "natural healing" type remedies and I wanna make sure I can take care of him when he needs it most if/when that time comes. Yeah, I'm sick and tired and a big cry baby as some would say. (Not you). I think/know you "get it" relevant to where I am coming from. Love and hugs to you. Sorry I'm not much of an inspiration of late...not taking my own advice I guyess...need some sleep...that might help clear out the cob webs. Take care. ^j^

reply to post by shrevegal


Anyone who calls you a cry baby after all you've been through and are continuing to go through are idiots! You have every right to feel as you do. My thoughts are with you hun. Take care of yourself and know we are here for you no matter what may come your way.

Originally posted by LastStarfighter
reply to post by LoneCloudHopper2

 

I suggest you fall on your sword. Alternatively quit spending time writing long stuff on here since its totally nonproductive and will make you more antisocial sense it keeps your head in an imaginary world where you cannot effect change.

I....disagree all around.

I think it is helpful and healthy and these talks do inspire and help others.

reply to post by myn4m3


I'm not really suicidal, although I have considered it in the past. I don't have a death wish but I don't really like living in this world. Like many sensitive/spiritual souls, I feel like I don't belong here and never will. I push on though, like we all (or almost all) do. With suicide, one must also consider how it would impact your loved ones. I could never do that to them.

reply to post by shrevegal


That's fine, I'm actually feeling better now. I have my down periods and lately it was an overwhelming down, but posting here (and talking to some good friends of mine) helped. Compassion and insight by people like you always helps.

I used to suffer insomnia myself. It was a snowball thing: getting overtired (stressed out) and then 'on edge,' losing sleep (which drains you, makes you more 'on edge.') And so on and on...I am lucky now because I have a night job and that suits me fine! I am not a morning person and 5 AM seems to be my natural sleeping hour lol

Some advice for insomnia: crackers. The regular square kind you get for soups. They have a natural ingredient which makes you drowsy. I found them much better than sleeping pills because my body will adapt to sleeping pills, while the crackers make me sleepy every night I eat them. And of course the obvious: learning to relax at night, get used to a schedule and if you can't sleep then just allow yourself to lay down and enjoy the rest (I found that when I did this, the lack of *wanting* to sleep actually eased some stress and I enjoyed the rest so much that I just fell asleep! lol)

Sorry to hear about the physical pain. As for feeling misunderstood, I've been used to that for much of my life and so I can relate. 'Outsider' types think differently and we often speak differently and so we're misunderstood. It can be very frustrating. An older outsider taught me that I could improve my communication and I have, with practice and persistence. As for who we really are though and how we really feel, normal people will never understand us. "Still waters run deep." Too deep for most people to grasp. But hey, that's what makes us special. Sorry if I'm rambling now. It's late and I'm a little out of it in all this humidity. I hope you feel better soon.

reply to post by LoneCloudHopper2


Let loose the armour, let loose your strength.

And when all is but hanging on a thread, look at that thin fiber that will not yield to the weight of it all.

Look at it and remember why you took on all that extra weight in the first place.

Look at what is lost if that single fiber should snap and break.......that is where your true strength lies. All else is but your constructs that you employ to understand it.

A warrior is a warrior. Even disarmed and nude he is a warrior as verily as an iron clad giant in all his fearsome splendor.

You are that single string. That single thread that will not break.....that force of amusing defiance that holds it all down....or up...no matter the overwhelming weight it holds.

Thin and frail, yet amazingly strong. You are not a hunk of iron, heavy and static.

Let the winds of life carry you and make you sway in every direction they can flow to.

You will not break.

Sorry about my rant and pity party the other day...didn't mean to take away from the topic/thread. Anyhow, for me. I took a deep breath, counted to 10 and it's all good and I'm back on my game. Sorry and Blessings to all. I hope anyone here having troubles...that all gets resolved in a happy/positive way. Love ya'll.

Originally posted by shrevegal
Sorry about my rant and pity party the other day...didn't mean to take away from the topic/thread. Anyhow, for me. I took a deep breath, counted to 10 and it's all good and I'm back on my game. Sorry and Blessings to all. I hope anyone here having troubles...that all gets resolved in a happy/positive way. Love ya'll.

Knowing the OP as I do,I am sure he doesn't mind your rant at all. It just goes to show that we are never truly alone, that others suffer as we do on one level or another and that we are here for one another always.

reply to post by tadaman


Inspiring and very well said.

reply to post by LoneCloudHopper2


Tired of being strong you say?



Good!

reply to post by shrevegal


Not at all. I was actually interested in learning more about you. You and a couple of others here (and probably more than I realize) seem to be a lot like me. It's always nice to meet fellow Light Warriors, or whatever we might call ourselves (sensitive souls or whatever.) I'm feeling a lot better now, I'm just afraid to say it because I'm superstitious about bragging lol

Maybe I should start a different thread where I can ask more sensitive soul/light warrior types to talk and open up to each other.

Then again, we could just talk here.

reply to post by XXXN3O


Always liked Alan Watts, yet I've never heard this clip before. He's basically saying 'learn to be like a leaf flowing in the stream,' while at the same time of course realizing yourself as an individual self within that stream. It's an old wisdom and very true.

Originally posted by LoneCloudHopper2
reply to post by XXXN3O

 

Always liked Alan Watts, yet I've never heard this clip before. He's basically saying 'learn to be like a leaf flowing in the stream,' while at the same time of course realizing yourself as an individual self within that stream. It's an old wisdom and very true.

I used to worry so much that I would worry about how a snow plow driver would get to work when it snows and fear life so much because of what I could not control along with fear of being successful/failing.

I decided one day that I just could not handle this crap anymore and id try something that was my biggest fear (speaking to a crowd) combined with an accidental learning of hypnosis or I was going to end my life (long story) but it was literally a do it or die situation for me or a kinda one last hurrah attempt as I had finally had enough.

Here is a clip from my very first show less than one year ago, I am 90% deaf and walked on a stage and just performed an unplanned show with the aim of making people laugh in a sad world (no script and still no script to this day)...



Old video now, will be appearing on the television soon, already in newspapers and helping sick people handle illnesses etc behind the scenes free of charge.

All I can say is let go for it is the most important thing anyone should do, face your greatest fears and do not take all this big drama so seriously and things will go wonderfully if you let it.

I have only recently discovered the likes of Alan Watts, it is not only true, it is simply in line with my own thoughts regardless of what anyone else tells me because of experience.

reply to post by XXXN3O


Hey, I'd like to know more about that, how you got into doing hypnosis.

It reminds me of how I got into stage acting. I was extremely shy when I was a teenager and one day I realized (after I'd been home, 'sick,') that we were doing a few minutes of public speaking in English class. I was very anxious and didn't know what to do. My class only had 30 students and my name would be one of the first! So, too nervous to really care (believing that I would just make a fool of myself anyway,) I jotted down some silly lines that some nervous geek would say. I stood up in front of the class, turned into a geek with an American southern accent and I read some of the lines from memory and improvised the rest. It was a very simple bit about a guy who felt like a loser, whose dad hated him and everything in his life went wrong. The whole class broke out laughing, even the ones who hated me. I got standing ovations every time I did my standup in class and before long I was acting in plays. I was a natural character actor and I discovered it by accident!

It helped to boost my confidence and has helped me as a public speaker and political activist today, as I have experience with facing and handling a crowd.

Originally posted by LoneCloudHopper2
reply to post by XXXN3O

 

Hey, I'd like to know more about that, how you got into doing hypnosis.

It reminds me of how I got into stage acting. I was extremely shy when I was a teenager and one day I realized (after I'd been home, 'sick,') that we were doing a few minutes of public speaking in English class. I was very anxious and didn't know what to do. My class only had 30 students and my name would be one of the first! So, too nervous to really care (believing that I would just make a fool of myself anyway,) I jotted down some silly lines that some nervous geek would say. I stood up in front of the class, turned into a geek with an American southern accent and I read some of the lines from memory and improvised the rest. It was a very simple bit about a guy who felt like a loser, whose dad hated him and everything in his life went wrong. The whole class broke out laughing, even the ones who hated me. I got standing ovations every time I did my standup in class and before long I was acting in plays. I was a natural character actor and I discovered it by accident!

It helped to boost my confidence and has helped me as a public speaker and political activist today, as I have experience with facing and handling a crowd.

Lets say you wanted to get back into acting on a stage for one example.

There is absolutely nothing stopping you from visiting a local theater and hiring out the venue for the evening. Produce an original show you would like to do or even a remake of a show you have enjoyed with a small change (that is all hollywood does as it clearly works).

All you have to do is put your personality into something and truly make people feel what you want them too and they will enjoy themselves.

For example, a local theater that is on the very expensive side will cost around $1000 dollars for the night, seats 300 people and is a fixed price. Simply explain that you will pay on the night, print out cheap tickets, sell them as you go and re-invest the money you take back into everything you are doing. It is not easy but it works if you want it enough and for me, it was do or die and im still doing it.

People suspend reality during entertainment, your job is to keep them focused on that fiction by making it better than worrying about life just for that few hours.

No show is ever perfect but at the end of your first one, you will be sitting with between $500 - $1000. Can just be one that you do or its the start of a business. So many people think we are enslaved these days and yes we are on so many levels but we are only suppressed because we allow ourselves to believe we are. It really is all choice, just so few realise what choice is anymore because of what others say and the bull we are fed from so many other angles.

I mean, if I believed my doctor who was adamant I was untreatable with a back injury, I would still be struggling to go to the toilet with a bad back

I am from the UK but I use dollars as I am presuming you are from the US.

reply to post by LoneCloudHopper2


LoneCloudHopper2

A couple of things, firstly, I have loved the posts you have had here on ATS, and I have valued your opinion when it was given to me at one point. You made my day, and complimented me in a way that no one had when I needed it the most.
You made a difference without even knowing it

I am sorry you are going through tough times. I can relate as I just went through the toughest two years I have ever gone through in many ways, but I made it through, and so will you. I see you had said you were looking for a new job through some friends, and I think that is the best course of action as a job can really bring you down if you do not enjoy it. It is one of the few things in life that we revolve around that really matters, and to not enjoy it can bring a lot of misery.

You definitely need the change.

The only thing that has saved me in the lowest of lows was my own spirituality to fall back on.
When all else fails we have spirit in whatever form we chose to see it.

You also have all of us here on ATS, who really do care, so if you ever need an ear to listen, I am totally available to you. Feel free to message me if you need to talk, although I am sure you have plenty of friends on the site.

For what it is worth,
It really has been an honor to read your views and experiences.
Very few understand some of the things you do, the way you do.

You are a valued member in my eyes.

Peace!

Originally posted by XXXN3O

Originally posted by LoneCloudHopper2
reply to post by XXXN3O

 

Hey, I'd like to know more about that, how you got into doing hypnosis.

It reminds me of how I got into stage acting. I was extremely shy when I was a teenager and one day I realized (after I'd been home, 'sick,') that we were doing a few minutes of public speaking in English class. I was very anxious and didn't know what to do. My class only had 30 students and my name would be one of the first! So, too nervous to really care (believing that I would just make a fool of myself anyway,) I jotted down some silly lines that some nervous geek would say. I stood up in front of the class, turned into a geek with an American southern accent and I read some of the lines from memory and improvised the rest. It was a very simple bit about a guy who felt like a loser, whose dad hated him and everything in his life went wrong. The whole class broke out laughing, even the ones who hated me. I got standing ovations every time I did my standup in class and before long I was acting in plays. I was a natural character actor and I discovered it by accident!

It helped to boost my confidence and has helped me as a public speaker and political activist today, as I have experience with facing and handling a crowd.

Lets say you wanted to get back into acting on a stage for one example.

There is absolutely nothing stopping you from visiting a local theater and hiring out the venue for the evening. Produce an original show you would like to do or even a remake of a show you have enjoyed with a small change (that is all hollywood does as it clearly works).

All you have to do is put your personality into something and truly make people feel what you want them too and they will enjoy themselves.

For example, a local theater that is on the expensive side will cost around $1000 dollars for the night, seats 300 people and is a fixed price. Simply explain that you will pay on the night, print out cheap tickets, sell them as you go and re-invest the money you take back into everything you are doing. It is not easy but it works if you want it enough and for me, it was do or die and im still doing it.

People suspend reality during entertainment, your job is to keep them focused on that fiction by making it better than worrying about life just for that few hours.

I've considered getting back into it. To be honest, I lost interest when I got to the semi-professional level of theater. I preferred school and community plays, because the more 'connected' I became and the more serious the group I became involved with became the more the social politics disgusted me. Some of them were really nice and down-to-earth, but many of them at the semi-professional level were such social climbers that I couldn't stand it. It seemed at that point to be more about whose ass to kiss, whose toes to step on and how to carry yourself (as well as how much local cultural trivia you could boast about knowing) than...acting! I was in it for the art of acting and the connection to the audience. The people involved with theater (not all, but many) really turned me off of it. I also didn't like being directed, acting in someone else's play (I was also a writer and dreamed of telling my own stories.) And so, I became a struggling author lol

I did regret having left it though, years later. There is BS everywhere and at least that was something that gave me joy and happiness. I have considered producing a play or variety show myself. It could be a small local one and maybe, if I found the right people, we could get together for a larger venue. I have felt tempted on occasion. I really miss making people laugh. You know what it's like, the high you get when you're on stage and in control of the room. It would sure be nice to find people that I liked and could do a project with. I do have one friend who I could act with. I guess it comes down to what I aspire to.

BTW, I'm also partially deaf. Not 90% deaf, but I often have trouble hearing people even when they're talking right in front of me. Any noise in the background throws it off. I have this thing of picking up bits and pieces of of what someone says and sub-consciously filling in the blanks for a complete sentence. Sometimes I thus respond to a question that wasn't asked or a topic that wasn't raised, which can be embarrassing.

I was curious how you do hypnosis. As an actor, I remember feeling a manipulative control over the audience. I felt that I was holding strings to them as if they were a collective organism under my control. I could pull the strings and make them laugh, giggle, sob, gasp, whatever I desired. I didn't always get the exact reaction that I wanted, but the feedback was always great. It seems to me that hypnosis is very similar to this in theory.