Originally posted by LoneCloudHopper
They say that I am strong and I see why, but inside I feel so frayed.
Jesus that felt good to read!
I have no advice for you my fellow soldier... all I can say is you're not alone. And sometimes "being strong" isn't enough. Sometimes you have to be
at peace, which is a whole different story altogether.
I'd be a liar if I said I've found inner peace, but I'd be negligent not to say it out loud. Because it truly is the only answer. Depression,
suffering, pain, ill health, loss, damage... these things will always
exist. And you can choose to top yourself right now because of that;
that's your prerogative as a human being (according to my understandings of Free Will anyway. I'm sure others would have different views on this
subject due to their own personal experiences with depression and suicide).
But believe me when I say that I understand that frame of thought. I've been there & back many times. I was 'there' recently due to feeling like life
was already far too hard - and then without digressing into a lengthy personal story; it got a hell of a lot harder for me overnight (and remains so
even now, on every level - constant physical pain to constant emotional torment).
And yet... I'm the role model in my circle of friends & family. I'm the one everyone asks, "what's your secret? How do you do it?" And I don't have an
answer! You just either do it or you don't. I don't blame the ones who choose to surrender the battle.. because as you said - it's hard! Hard as hell!
But when you hang in there through those dark times... nothing beats the feeling of coming out of that cave alive & stronger for it. You feel
invincible. Then, of course, that wears off.. and life finds new ways to challenge you, and you find yourself wondering what the point is all over
I can only speak for me my friend, but if it's understanding & advice you're after - all I have to say is that I 100% understand your position, the
difficulty it puts you in given the level of pressure you then put on yourself to maintain a brave face etc... it's certainly a burden thrown in on
top of an already impossible pile of trials & tribulations!
But at the end of the day... if you're here to be "happy", you're doomed. If you're here to learn, you're in luck. And if you're here to give & love &
sacrifice, then you're in exactly the right place. It all depends on your intentions and self-decided purpose friend. If you want to carry on, you'll
find a way. But the truth is, you're not gonna find it on here. I don't have your truth to give to you. No one gave me my truth that helped me get
through my difficulties. You have to create
the solution yourself, or forever suffer. And it's tragic that that's the way our world works, but
so it is. Nobody is strong. Remember that. It's not just you and me & those of us on ATS. Humanity is a confused & conflicted race of beings.
Therefore the solution lies not in "how to be stronger", but "how to be at peace with the things that bring us down".
And on that note... all I can leave you with is: good luck. Cuz that's all you have besides yourself, and so you're gonna need it! But the good news
is it is
out there. The answers might not be translatable or even attainable, but the point I'm trying to make is that it's not about the
Answers. There is no magic solution to cope with what you're facing. There's only You, the situation, how you interpret that situation and then
finally; what you do with the knowledge you've attained.
But hey; I'm not perfect (shamefully far from it in fact). And I'm still
beaten down by the hardships of this life as much as the next guy...
I've lost almost everything I held dear to me at the worst possible time this year - and yet: I can honestly sit here and say that despite feeling
hard-done by and defeated and certainly very miserable, I'm no longer lost in the soulless fog that such hopeless emotions used to generate in my
life. I don't even see myself as a victim anymore (an important part of the process). I just see myself as another participant in this incredible
expression of creativity that we call life without a clue as to what it all means or why bad things happen to me. But I've found a way to accept that.
And my way won't be your way, so I won't even bother explaining my process. Spirituality certainly helps, but most people are put off more by the
notion of exploring their own personal spiritual experience than they are with the situations that cause them to feel so miserable. Which is
interesting. Ultimately I think it has a lot to do with ego unbalance. I can only speak for myself, but I have to admit there's a certain level of
pride that comes with being seen as "strong" like we might be by our loved ones. But of course, pride does little to heal the deep fissures that our
struggles can open in our lives. So "being strong" is an oxymoron. Forget it. Focus more on just "being you
P.S. - If I appear cynical in my discussion, I don't mean to be. It is
possible to be happy, and have good things happen to you, and to keep
good people in your life. However, if you decide that your life's purpose is solely to attain and maintain those things - then kiss them goodbye!
Because you're chasing the wind. The only support you have that's real is your own self. And our individual selves are powerless against the majesty
of the universe we inhabit. So just let it go my friend. And talk to your family & friends about it more. They're the ones that need to hear all
Believe me, you'll help them more than you ever could by being strong by being honest instead. Tell them you're struggling. You won't regret it. In
admitting your own struggle, you empower others to seek their own solutions. It's nice to have people in your life who respect you and love you and
admire you... but you don't want them to be dependent on you. So for their sake; tell them more often what you've just said here: that you're just
like them. You won't lose your ability to help them, in fact you'll bolster it by becoming more human in their eyes. There's nothing healthy about
idolozing people for any
reason whatsoever. And certainly not for being "Strong!" Some of the most dysfunctional people I know are "Strong"!
(myself included of course!)
edit on 2/7/2013 by TheAnarchist because: ~