Tired of Being Strong

reply to post by Astyanax


I can't afford a vacation and am really needed at work right now. I won't push myself too though if I can help it. I've had too much on my plate lately. Thanks for your concern.

reply to post by LoneCloudHopper2


Hi LoneCloudHopper2, I have been where you are at now many times...feeling lost and alone and tired and sad and drained and such. Maybe for now, you don't have to be strong...except in one aspect...ya gotta keep on keepin on! Never take your eye off the "prize" because there is a prize...it is called "life". We all go through it...we are all one and connected. Don't feel strong? Learn to lean instead of support...lean on me if need be. I'm just a message away and I have plenty of time and I like to think I have a loving/caring heart. You can u2u me and I'll give you my home addy if need be, where we can talk ar length, without revealing all at a public forum. Sometimes, a forum helps...it depends.

Actually, I was feeling pretty low not too long ago and reached out at a forum and was completely misunderstood and judged. It hurts....I was feelin lower than a snakes belly and most folks were wonderful but a few cut me to the bone. When a person is feeling sad and troubled and confused and alone, the last thing they need is to be hurt some more. Luckily, the "good guys" did over ride the baddies and I ended up feeling better and solving my problems because of the kind help and ideas and advice I received from some really great folks...kind of heart, gentle of spirit and caring folks. Let me know if I can help in any way. Who knows, maybe in a few days, things will lighten up for you. You just never know how things will go but can hope/pray for the best. reaching out is never wrong. Most people want to help and care. I hope your health improves. I have MS and I know how frustrating health probs can be too.

Keep in touch with folks here or contact me or some others here that you feel comfortable with. There are always kindred spirits around...just gotta seek out and connect. Take care and stay safe and well and be strong for yourself. You matter...you have value...your life has meaning. Many of us here love ya guy! Hugs, and love and Blessings and stay in touch with someone at least, who can help. I do know how you feel! We share common Birthday time also so Happy Birthday to us both!

reply to post by shrevegal


Thank you, that was very sweet.

A lot of good people seem to suffer in this world. I do have a couple good friends to lean on I guess. I'm very proud and like to push through everything alone, but I guess you can't always do that. I've seen some of your posts around ATS and you always seem to write thoughtful replies. There are indeed kindred spirits. I feel fortunate to know a few and to meet more here and there like yourself. The world demands a constant effort from people like us. We sort of need each other from time to time to draw strength from, I think.

Originally posted by LoneCloudHopper
They say that I am strong and I see why, but inside I feel so frayed.

Jesus that felt good to read!

I have no advice for you my fellow soldier... all I can say is you're not alone. And sometimes "being strong" isn't enough. Sometimes you have to be at peace, which is a whole different story altogether.

I'd be a liar if I said I've found inner peace, but I'd be negligent not to say it out loud. Because it truly is the only answer. Depression, suffering, pain, ill health, loss, damage... these things will always exist. And you can choose to top yourself right now because of that; that's your prerogative as a human being (according to my understandings of Free Will anyway. I'm sure others would have different views on this subject due to their own personal experiences with depression and suicide).

But believe me when I say that I understand that frame of thought. I've been there & back many times. I was 'there' recently due to feeling like life was already far too hard - and then without digressing into a lengthy personal story; it got a hell of a lot harder for me overnight (and remains so even now, on every level - constant physical pain to constant emotional torment).

And yet... I'm the role model in my circle of friends & family. I'm the one everyone asks, "what's your secret? How do you do it?" And I don't have an answer! You just either do it or you don't. I don't blame the ones who choose to surrender the battle.. because as you said - it's hard! Hard as hell! But when you hang in there through those dark times... nothing beats the feeling of coming out of that cave alive & stronger for it. You feel invincible. Then, of course, that wears off.. and life finds new ways to challenge you, and you find yourself wondering what the point is all over again

I can only speak for me my friend, but if it's understanding & advice you're after - all I have to say is that I 100% understand your position, the difficulty it puts you in given the level of pressure you then put on yourself to maintain a brave face etc... it's certainly a burden thrown in on top of an already impossible pile of trials & tribulations!

But at the end of the day... if you're here to be "happy", you're doomed. If you're here to learn, you're in luck. And if you're here to give & love & sacrifice, then you're in exactly the right place. It all depends on your intentions and self-decided purpose friend. If you want to carry on, you'll find a way. But the truth is, you're not gonna find it on here. I don't have your truth to give to you. No one gave me my truth that helped me get through my difficulties. You have to create the solution yourself, or forever suffer. And it's tragic that that's the way our world works, but so it is. Nobody is strong. Remember that. It's not just you and me & those of us on ATS. Humanity is a confused & conflicted race of beings. Therefore the solution lies not in "how to be stronger", but "how to be at peace with the things that bring us down".

And on that note... all I can leave you with is: good luck. Cuz that's all you have besides yourself, and so you're gonna need it! But the good news is it is out there. The answers might not be translatable or even attainable, but the point I'm trying to make is that it's not about the Answers. There is no magic solution to cope with what you're facing. There's only You, the situation, how you interpret that situation and then finally; what you do with the knowledge you've attained.

But hey; I'm not perfect (shamefully far from it in fact). And I'm still beaten down by the hardships of this life as much as the next guy... I've lost almost everything I held dear to me at the worst possible time this year - and yet: I can honestly sit here and say that despite feeling hard-done by and defeated and certainly very miserable, I'm no longer lost in the soulless fog that such hopeless emotions used to generate in my life. I don't even see myself as a victim anymore (an important part of the process). I just see myself as another participant in this incredible expression of creativity that we call life without a clue as to what it all means or why bad things happen to me. But I've found a way to accept that. And my way won't be your way, so I won't even bother explaining my process. Spirituality certainly helps, but most people are put off more by the notion of exploring their own personal spiritual experience than they are with the situations that cause them to feel so miserable. Which is interesting. Ultimately I think it has a lot to do with ego unbalance. I can only speak for myself, but I have to admit there's a certain level of pride that comes with being seen as "strong" like we might be by our loved ones. But of course, pride does little to heal the deep fissures that our struggles can open in our lives. So "being strong" is an oxymoron. Forget it. Focus more on just "being you".

Peace!

P.S. - If I appear cynical in my discussion, I don't mean to be. It is possible to be happy, and have good things happen to you, and to keep good people in your life. However, if you decide that your life's purpose is solely to attain and maintain those things - then kiss them goodbye! Because you're chasing the wind. The only support you have that's real is your own self. And our individual selves are powerless against the majesty of the universe we inhabit. So just let it go my friend. And talk to your family & friends about it more. They're the ones that need to hear all this!

Believe me, you'll help them more than you ever could by being strong by being honest instead. Tell them you're struggling. You won't regret it. In admitting your own struggle, you empower others to seek their own solutions. It's nice to have people in your life who respect you and love you and admire you... but you don't want them to be dependent on you. So for their sake; tell them more often what you've just said here: that you're just like them. You won't lose your ability to help them, in fact you'll bolster it by becoming more human in their eyes. There's nothing healthy about idolozing people for any reason whatsoever. And certainly not for being "Strong!" Some of the most dysfunctional people I know are "Strong"! (myself included of course!)

reply to post by LoneCloudHopper2


I know all about obstacles.. A couple years ago, I broke my back due to a severe seizure and was unconscious on the ground for three days. I also broke my hip, and it was later diagnosed that I have osteoporosis and epilepsy (a potentially lethal combination). Due to the severe osteo (z-score of -3.9 in my spine), that broken back has not healed. Meaning, it has been broken for years with no relief and due to the location of the fractures (there are several), all I can do is deal with it. After another seizure, where I broke my hip again and lost my best friend/dog while I was in the ER, I realized that we all have limitations and I was only making excuses about not doing anything to achieve my goals. They were valid, but they were excuses none the less.

Life isnt easy for anyone, and we all have barriers. At least for me, it was learning how to work inside them that changed how I was approaching things.

It was easy to discard all my goals as being unobtainable because of "x," but in the end, I have been reaching them even though its an uphill battle because if I even walk too much, I will lose consciousness from the pain.

All of this was just the culmination of 10 years of similar events where I have lost dozens of people I love to death, have had to have surgeries on almost every part of my body, have had to replace my hip multiple times, and can no longer do a single thing I love. I am still under 30 (albeit not by much )

I still found that using the same principles I had been taught as a child (the ones I posted in the first place), brought me to where I needed to be as long as I actively pursued my goals with action.

None of this may apply to you, but the reality is that we all have difficulties. I am only brushing the surface, as much much worse things happened during this time that I do not care to talk about. And yet, there are countless people out there, perhaps even yourself, who have things much, much worse than me. I decided that I would change things, and live it out actively.

The most important thing for me was to stop making those excuses, and start living. And, I have never been happier, more grateful, or more thankful than I am at this point in my life. Things are not looking up, or even promising, but making a positive impact on those around you can make *everything* worthwhile, and also have an impact on you.

If things are "crappy," and I am sure they are, learning from it is the only thing we can do. And from that, we can help others through helping ourselves. As long as we are willing, and take the actions necessary to meet our goals. Life isnt permanent, but our individual impact can echo through time. What that echo "says" is all up to you.

All the best.

I've been in the same boat as you...it gets rough.

If I can offer a suggestion to try putting your works ob a bloog or getting them published through SmashWords, the besf things are heard word kf mouth, thats how i found online comics like Lackadaisy Cats, Cuanta Vida and Hannah Is Not a Boy's Name

reply to post by LoneCloudHopper2

Here is a thougt that has served me well.

1. Go to any beach.
2. Bend down a pick up a handful of sand.
3. Look at it and pick out the brownish gold grain.

You cant. They are all brownish-gold-of sorts.

It takes many, many different grains of sand to make a beach. All are necessary to comprise the whole. No two are alike, they are all the same. Yet, they are not exact. Neither are we.

We all play some part to make up the colors of sand. We go thru periods when we are all wet, dry, and blown away. All are correct in the lifetime of a grain of sand. All serve a purpose when they happen. As is to you regarding your "strengths" and feelings. It is normal.

So are you, friend. Find your purpose, and have faith in it that the more things change...the more we stay the same.

Its the ebb and flow of tides. Try and think of it as not being "tired" of being strong...just "resting".

Good luck MS

Peace

reply to post by LoneCloudHopper2


Hey, I'm not the best advice giver but listen... You have a BIG heart LoneCloudHopper2! Unencumber yourself and allow yourself to expend less energy. You're lugging around all that heavy equipment and it requires a great deal of emotional exertion. Drop the weight of the armor and become a bit selfish. Yes, selfish.

"There is Nothing Wrong in being Selfish. We all are very selfish but unfortunately we do not know who the SELF is (Soul). Once we understand this, then there is nothing wrong in being selfish!" - Lokanath Swami.

A Quote by Sam Harris on love, selfishness, and happiness-
"There is a circle here that links us to one another: we each want to be happy; the social feeling of love is one of our greatest sources of happiness; and love entails that we be concerned for the happiness of others. We discover that we can be selfish together." - Sam Harris

Wishing you well and great peace.

reply to post by LoneCloudHopper2


My suggestion: Move to Arizona or New Mexico. There is cheap housing available, modest wages, and no humidity. That's what I'm doing. I'm fed up with this East Tennessee muggy-fest.

reply to post by TheAnarchist


Thank you for opening up about your own struggles. I understand and agree with everything that you say here. I am on the same page, or more accurately, have just been slowly turning to this page.

And yet... I'm the role model in my circle of friends & family. I'm the one everyone asks, "what's your secret? How do you do it?" And I don't have an answer! You just either do it or you don't. I don't blame the ones who choose to surrender the battle.. because as you said - it's hard! Hard as hell! But when you hang in there through those dark times... nothing beats the feeling of coming out of that cave alive & stronger for it. You feel invincible. Then, of course, that wears off.. and life finds new ways to challenge you, and you find yourself wondering what the point is all over again

Well said. It’s been the same with me.

But at the end of the day... if you're here to be "happy", you're doomed. If you're here to learn, you're in luck. And if you're here to give & love & sacrifice, then you're in exactly the right place. It all depends on your intentions and self-decided purpose friend. If you want to carry on, you'll find a way. But the truth is, you're not gonna find it on here. I don't have your truth to give to you. No one gave me my truth that helped me get through my difficulties. You have to create the solution yourself, or forever suffer. And it's tragic that that's the way our world works, but so it is. Nobody is strong. Remember that. It's not just you and me & those of us on ATS. Humanity is a confused & conflicted race of beings. Therefore the solution lies not in "how to be stronger", but "how to be at peace with the things that bring us down".

Well said again and I agree very much with this. Strength is not inherent; it’s just how we learn to cope with the world. Ironically, what makes us strong is that we do rely on ourselves instead of others and yet sometimes we find that we need others, or at the very least to stop having others lean on us so often. Finding a peaceful balance is indeed the trick; to remove some of the stress that overwhelms us. You’re very right that each person follows his/her own path and must figure out how to accomplish this. Others can offer encouragement, tips or insight, but ultimately you must figure out what works for yourself.

Just want to say again, you said a lot of truth here and I appreciate it.

reply to post by Serdgiam


Wow, you've indeed had some bad luck. I sympathize. I have a couple friends who have serious back problems, one after being hit by a mini-van and another due to mysterious health problems which the 'specialists' keep changing the diagnosis of. It seems to me that these things seem to happen to good people more so than not, but whatever it's about I guess we must all learn to accept and deal with the obstacles we are given and to keep learning to handle more challenges. I wish you the best.

reply to post by TheToastmanCometh


That's an interesting idea. I am a writer and writing things down do help. Writing this has helped.

reply to post by mysterioustranger


Poetically put. We are indeed all grains of sand which comprise a greater whole and must find our place in it.

reply to post by Fidelios


Thank you for the advice. Earlier in the conversation the issue of being selfish sometimes for personal necessity came up. There are times when it is the best option.

reply to post by seamus


That's funny. The issue of Arizona being good for people bothered by humidity came up at work the other day. I believe that there is a similar location here in Canada (Alberta I think,) where this is also true. The heat and humidity here are quite draining for me.

reply to post by LoneCloudHopper2


I think that bad luck or good luck may be in the eye of the beholder, and determined by "what comes" of the various events that make up our lives.

Had it not been for all of these things, I would not be where I am at today.

That could be looked at in two ways, just as everyone can do with their life.

I acknowledge that it has disabled me in a very literal sense. However, it has also enabled me, and motivated me, to do the research I do now. Things that are truly life changing, and not just for me. It pushed me in a direction where I found myself in a hypothetical no-mans land, but thar be gold in them thar yonder hills.

reply to post by LoneCloudHopper2


I suggest you fall on your sword. Alternatively quit spending time writing long stuff on here since its totally nonproductive and will make you more antisocial sense it keeps your head in an imaginary world where you cannot effect change.

Suicide is the wrong way for sure. You'll just end up having to come right back and things will be much worse the next time. Not to mention all the pain you would cause for your friends and family, and even others you may not be aware of. We all touch others lives in some way and sometimes more than you know.

When things get bad I try to remember it isn't forever and things will get better. Praying and asking for help can't hurt either. There are many good books that you may find an inspiration to improve your situation - I used to read books by Norman Vincent Peale.

Perhaps it's a good time to take an honest look at your life and remove anything that's not contributing to your greater happiness. Find out what makes you truly happy and try to bring more of that into your life. Seek out help if you can't do it on your own.

I'm tired of being strong today too. Not having a good day...I am pretty much where you were at the other day...feeling low. My MS is flaring up bad today and causing terrible mood swings and horrific pain. Perhaps I shouldn't post on such days...is hard not to as I am insomniac too and haven't slept in days...coming here is all I have left at times like this. Sorry for MY rant. I haven't slept in days...by the time stamps on my posts...one can see I hardly ever sleep.

I get misunderstood a lot at thread topics too. It is frustrating. I had fun plans for 4th July but will have to cancel...too bad off and don't wanna spoil other folks fun. I suppose me writing this spoils stuff too. Not my intention. Anyway, I hope you are doing better at least. Blessings and take care and hugs. Don't know when I will be back or if I should just quit posting. My "Rockets Red Glare" post relevant to the 4th July was important and slipped away at the chat forum. Take care and be good to yourself! I'm gonna try for some sleep and take my meds that I have been avoiding...they make me feel fuzzy but may take edge off this Gosh awful pain.

Birthday greetings to you. Mine is July 8th...will be getting tests relevant to bone cancer as too much unexplained weight loss and lumps and such. I'll be in Hospital for a while. No biggie...I'm a nurse so Hospitals don't scare me. Be well my friend!