Originally posted by LoneCloudHopper2
I remember a news story years ago about a girl who committed suicide, but this was no ordinary girl. She’d reached out to others contemplating suicide in tough times and she saved them. These girls spoke out with teary eyes in praise of her and expressed their shock and disappointment that they had no idea that she herself, the one whom they’d leaned on for strength, was secretly struggling with depression herself.
This is my lot. People lean on me for strength or look to me for inspiration. They say that I am strong and I see why, but inside I feel so frayed. I don’t mean to sound smart in saying this but I honestly believe that even strength costs you: it takes effort to be strong (it is a learned trait.) I feel like I was a young prince who ventured bravely into a dangerous quest that he was not ready for. He was nearly slain by orcs and dragons, but survived. His skin became as leather and he built a suit of armor. Now he walks like a champion, afraid of nothing and ready for anything. But this armor weighs him down and under his thick skin his sensitive heart is sobbing for release.
I am tired of the self-dieseline and the drive to keep going. Last Friday I nearly blacked out at work because I was fighting through a bad virus (the second bad one within a month,) after five six-day work weeks, with summer allergies and not handling the emerging humidity very well (I am asthmatic and working in shellfish processing doesn’t help either.) I pushed myself until I nearly lost consciousness before I was willing to go home sick. When I returned, I realized how exhausted I truly was. Now, with time to rest and a new air conditioner, I feel better physically, but I am really feeling stretched on the inside.
Everyone I know is either married or living with someone, most of them raising families. I have a girlfriend but I live alone. I am doing a job that I hate and I am a struggling author (the worst kind of career because you spend years of blood and tears with no promise of publication.) I do not drink or do drugs. Every artistic person that I know does both. What keeps me going? Lately I wonder.
Any advice? What does a proud knight do when the weight of his armor wears on him and he yearns to let it all go? I am tired of the long journey with no rewards, always doing right, always being underappreciated and misunderstood, never getting anywhere. Is there a way out or a compromise that might appease this pain and mental exhaustion?
“The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn.”
Is there a way out or a compromise that might appease this pain and mental exhaustion?
Originally posted by Mister_Bit
Ah dear Knight...
I feel your pain, I really do. It's almost a carbon copy of how I feel.
But, you're a Knight, dig your heels in, draw a line in the sand, sharpen your sword.. NO MORE!! Don't let life get you, fight it all the way, don't give in!!
Rip off your armour, you'll be faster and more agile and look life in the eye, let it know it isn't going to win. This is your red line and you're fighting back now, everyone should be afraid!!
Take courage, easier said than done, I know.
As for the job, it's only one job, there are millions out there, look for something else BUT whilst you are there, do what I do and escape into my mind. Write your stories in your head, create worlds and heroes and adventures for them, the time soon passes.
You sound like you need some time off work, is it possible to take a couple of weeks off and go away on your own? Take some time out and refresh yourself.
Don't equate happiness to being in a relationship too, I have been in some incredibly hurtful relationships where I've been betrayed by those I loved. I genuinely prefer to be alone now, I'm happier that way.
I've been using techniques to help myself focus on the here and now, forgetting the past and impassive to the future, it seems to help.
Originally posted by sulaw
reply to post by LoneCloudHopper2
You can't always be captain save-a-ho (metaphorically speaking) many times you need to step back and take care of yourself before putting others ahead of you. Hard it may seem at first and some might refute that your being selfish but then again if your not at 100% then your giving off the last of that energy to someone else when you, yourself needs to be recharged.
Take time and enjoy the aspects of life that give you energy so that you can recharge.
Best of luck~
Originally posted by cody599
For what it's worth
I took off my battered armour a long time ago
I was called many things when supposed friends discovered I was living life for me and not just there for them to bitch at and have their problems solved for them.
But I discovered a nice guy inside that armour, a guy with humour as a weapon.
People still come for support, but now I just make them laugh and think for themselves
So my friend trust in yourself as others have. But most of all laugh
never feel like this
When you can feel like this
Life is full of wonderment
Just remember this is you inside
And one day this may be your inspiration
Just a thought