The good, the bad, and the ugly with polyamory

Moshi-Moshi! Good afternoon everyone. As I rest on my bed finishing reading my book I was thinking about polyamory. For anyone that doesn't know about polyamory I'll explain: Polyamory means the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at once.

I was curious about the idea behind this type of relationship. What are the pros and cons? The only relationships I have ever heard containing more than 2 people was polygamy. But I want to understand relationship like polyamory more than what I know currently.

There are two articles that question the idea of monogamy and suggest polygamy or sexual relationships with more partners is more natural. It helps clear the picture, but I'm still skeptical. Sorry if this article is clutter and not structured. I'm more interested in starting a discussion about this topic and I would like to understand the pros and cons to the polyamory lifestyle.

Source
Source 2

reply to post by Phoenix267


Interesting stuff. I just struggle to deal with more than woman at once.

reply to post by Phoenix267


Polygamy is more a train of thought than a lifestyle. There are men out there who cannot be satisfied with what just one woman can give them. Think of a woman as a puzzle. It takes many pieces to make the picture complete. A mature woman has a complete picture. All the pieces are in place but the polygamist man doesn't like the whole picture, just certain pieces. He may like them so much that he actually loves certain parts of the woman. Just not the whole of the woman. So he goes out looking for more.

In his mind he's got a picture in his head of that perfect woman, and if one woman doesn't complete that picture, he'll go out looking for more until it is complete. Most women don't understand this. I don't know why exactly, but they don't, and this is why they rush to judge a polygamist as a cheater, a male whore, etc..... But more times than not, it's just a man who is looking for more than just one woman can give him.

That's this mans take on it at least.

There's a show (on either HBO or Showtime, called "Polyamory") all about this. It actually is a good showcase for it...

Basically, I think they are fooling themselves. They (polyamory advocates) try to promote it as an "equal" love, when it isn't really that at all. Each of the people on the show for example, have a MAIN partner, and then other partners. (some of which are even exclusive to them, and not available to that person's other lovers, from jealousy).

They are completely contradicting themselves, all because they don't want to be called "swingers", which is what they really are, just with certain people, not everyone. A TRUE polyamory relationship, where each person is TRULY equal does not exist (or at least I've never seen nor heard of it). The closest one I can think of (a gal and two guys) still has one of the guys married to the gal. The other is considered an "equal" in the relationship, but as he isn't her spouse, he isn't really, is he? They have been together for about 20 years though...so a pretty rare example.

I was curious about the idea behind this type of relationship. What are the pros and cons?

Speaking from experience (two gals, one guy variety, and I'll leave it at that)....

The Pros are obvious....multiple sexual partners. What guy doesn't dream of two women (or more)?

The Con is pretty obvious too....jealousy. No matter what, or how much one protests, there is going to be some jealousy (and the TV show demonstrates this well)....even in the most loving couple. Managing this jealousy is extremely taxing, and for most people, would outweigh the pro mentioned above. If an ongoing relationship, you're now dealing with yet another person's thoughts, feelings, and emotions too. Maintaining ONE such relationship is work, maintaining TWO is even more difficult.

Well it wouldn't do for me. Im sure many would like this kind of relationship. Especially for the sex!. Good luck to them if this is what they like. But for me im looking for something a lot more worthwhile for myself along with someone special shared between the both of us. And sharing in my opinion takes something away..Hope this makes sense

reply to post by Phoenix267


This information makes me sad. The number of ways a person can retain thier honour in the traditional sense, without being called backward, is it seems, shrinking at an alarming rate, and the world is leaving people who believe in love of a sort which I would find familiar, behind.

I have been in a complicated relationship of sorts with a lady for about four or five years. We can drink, party hard, make love for hours at a stretch, and share glances which do not speak but HOLLER a unified desire for one anothers company. But I am denied a fullsome relationship with her. She hates to be gifted, even on Birthdays and Christmas, she will refuse to allow me to buy her a drink, or pay for dinner, or become a larger part of her life. She is not a one man woman. I AM a one woman man. This is not the ideal scenario for me, being an old fart well before my time, and a bit of a traditionalist.

Because of my history, of some terrible choices of partner, leading to some pretty horrendous breakups, with my ex's either cheating on me or proving to be utterly batcrap insane one way or another, I consider the relationship that I DO have with the lady I am currently invested in , to be the most honest and healthy that I have ever been in.

And yet, sometimes, when I watch my lady sleep, I begin to weep quietly, because I know that she cannot return my feelings. I see her as the pinnacle of womanhood, I respect and love her for her mind and what I have been allowed to see of her heart, her passion for life, but I cannot help being distraught sometimes, because I know that she will never wed me, that we will not be having children together, that we will not grow old and die together, despite the yearning of my every atom for it to be so.

And now, now I have to consider the very real possibility, that I am some sort of throwback, my attitudes not modern enough, my needs old fashioned and outmoded, and not shared by anyone else on Earth. I am now trying to comprehend the possibility, that the future holds no love for me, not that I would recognise or benifit from. All of a sudden I feel very cold.

reply to post by TrueBrit


On the contrary, I'd think you were in the MAJORITY....she is the one who loves in a different way. I don't think it's fair for one to say she is WRONG. From all indications, she has been upfront and honest with you about it, so your decision on whether or not to accept it. (Accepting is different than liking it though). She may not be WRONG...but sounds like she is wrong for you. You know you won't change her though, so you're kind of in a bind there. Why feel guilty about just enjoying your time with her? Or, is that you are jealous of the other guys? I get that. It is hard-wired into us (and them).

That's why above, I mentioned that even in those who try and fool themselves, jealousy will ALWAYS factor into it. We can't help ourselves. It is one of THE most difficult things to manage in a relationship (any relationship).

Are you really at a point where you want to "settle down"? If so, doesn't seem like this one is the right one for you. If you are both young, she may grow out of the idea though, who knows. Only you know her, we don't.

reply to post by Gazrok


I am only twenty eight, but amongst people of my own age (shes actually a matter of months older) it is becoming harder and harder to see common ground where relationships are concerned.

Edit to add:
To answer your point about jealousy, I see what you are saying. The thing is, that I do not want her to change herself for me, but every positive element of our relationship has a bittersweet tang of futility about it. Despite being aware of that, I am seriously emotionally invested.

reply to post by TrueBrit


Once in the 30's, things will likely be more towards what you expect. I found with my own friends, that we all kind of got hitched in our mid 30's, and some of us were kind of wild in our 20's. We mellowed out though, as did the women we got to know and love. I think you'll find the same in time. Good luck.

I subscribed to this thread as soon as I saw it, yet wondered if it would get moved to RATS or 404'd, so I waited to comment.

Polyamory is not the same as Polygamy. Polygamy is illegal, and denotes being "married" to more than one person. Sadly enough, modern society is based upon monogamy, and it's all we are taught. Anything outside of our realm of understanding is often labeled as taboo, and forbidden to explore.

I'll have to toss in 5 myths about Polyamory, without getting too personally vested in the topic, because I believe in the freedom to explore alternative lifestyles. People who have spent time in the BDSM community have a better understanding of exploring human nature, and I offer the most sincere respect to those who uphold the "Vanilla" aspect of society at large.

SOURCE.

Myth #1: Poly people are unsatisfied

it's natural to assume there's something missing from their romance. But that doesn't appear to be the case for polyamorous individuals.

It's actually an addition to a relationship. Society deems a relationship is between two people, so it's actually a foreign concept to most to incorporate more than one other partner. Confusing? Most polys are highly intelligent, and are able to comprehend the complexity, and actually embrace it.

Myth #2: Polyamorous people are still paired up

But the primary partner/secondary partner model is an oversimplification for many poly relationships, said Bjarne Holmes, a psychologist at Champlain College in Vermont.

It's not just about sex. It's about living life together, being in a relationship, and sharing life ups and downs with others that you trust. A tri or quad income definitely has it's benefits when paying bills. Sex is just a primal need that gets resolved naturally. I'll interject that jealousy is resolved through intelligent discourse amongst members.

Myth #3: Polyamory is a way to avoid commitment

successful polyamorous partners communicate relentlessly, Holmes said: "They communicate to death." It's the only way to ensure that everyone's needs are met and no one is feeling jealous or left out in a relationship that involves many people.

Communication is the key in any monogamous relationship, and even more so in a poly arrangement. You don't hide feelings or withhold resentment. You get it out on the floor, speak your mind, and the issue is resolved. Imagine Politics in which everyone could agree with one another.

Myth #4: Polyamory is exhausting

Polyamorous people report feeling energized by their multiple relationships and say that good feelings in one translate to good feelings in others.

It's complicated, but refreshing. There's mental exercise, planning, but nothing that's not experienced in a monogamous relationship.

Myth #5: Polyamory is bad for the kids

But some early research is suggesting that polyamory doesn't have to have a bad impact on the kids. Sheff has interviewed more than 100 members of polyamorous families, including about two dozen children of polyamorous parents ranging in age from 5 to 17 years old.

What's bad for the kids is the peer review. It's the same sort of bias experienced when kids have Gay parents. There's a certain social stigma involved, unfortunately, for anything that deviates from the norm. It's why Poly relationships are very low key, and not advertised openly in the local paper. As far as Society is concerned, it's almost as "bad" as being in a homosexual relationship. Taboo.

Further research.
And a reputable read.

Just be prepared to do a lot of scheduling, as time management seems to be one of the biggest headaches in open relationships.

reply to post by Druid42


Sorry everyone for being late on the replies. I've been busy and it's been very, very hot. Thanks Druid for adding some information. As a reminder I'm talking about polyamory and not polygamy or the swinger lifestyle.

reply to post by Wide-Eyes


Yes, relationships are tough with anyone in any type of relationship. I wonder if there could be something like equals.Where instead of someone having to be the center. Why can't everyone work together to make a relationship to work.

reply to post by Druid42


I'd have to agree with these points (especially number 2), but with a few changes. It CAN be exhausting emotionally, when there is friction. Luckily, it's rare, but when it is...yikes. You're walking on TWO floors of eggshells.

Secondly, on the kids....while the kids see loving relationships, I personally think it best for kids to be raised in a more traditional setting. If they discover and embrace the lifestyle on their own, fine, but not everyone is cut out for it, so you don't want to plant the seed it's normal. I'm not cut out for it 24/7.

reply to post by Phoenix267

Yes, relationships are tough with anyone in any type of relationship. I wonder if there could be something like equals.Where instead of someone having to be the center. Why can't everyone work together to make a relationship to work.

In theory, this is the idea, but inevitably, two people hooked up first, and this will be seen as a primary relationship, with a third (or more) as an add-on. Even most "triads" consist of a couple and a third, often the couple is even legally married. In a quad, even moreso, if made of two couples.