Is this depression or something else?

Hey there folks,

I'm writing this after being up all night with insomnia, or rather, nerve pain all over my body (drank too much yesterday i guess -- causes CNS problems with me -- twitches, spasms, anxiety etc.) SO .. pardon me if this is a little odd, or out there.

My Mother who raised me, whom I was super close to, best friends, died from drug complications in November of 2011. A few months after that, I discontinued anxiety medication that I had been on for 4 or 5 years. Needless to say that destroyed me, I was a twitchy, shaky, spasming mess. Getting sleep was a joke. It's been a year and a few months since, and i still cant stay asleep, and have to take an OTC sleep aid just to -fall- asleep, then i get what can only be called night terrors, and i jump to a sitting up position from the bed and smoke a cigarette and wake up several times every single night, usually only after an hour or two. Oh yeah, sometimes I get what feels like a heart beating except its in my palms. I also randomly itch my hands alot now when theres no reason for them to itch -- nerves.

Alright, so that's the history, now the question.

I've been feeling really odd emotionally. For instance, let's say .. I have sex with my girlfriend. Sure, feels awesome, no lessening of sensation, but afterward, im just indifferent like it wasnt a big deal, wasnt all that satisfying, etc. Also, even if I were to recreationally use a substance that i used to enjoy, it will feel the same but .. not content, not satisfied, the reward center of my brain sits there and doesn't want to work properly. When I see and talk to people, I feel wise beyond my years like I've been through some serious # that many people do not ever experience or successfully deal with. I feel like it has given me perspective that no one else has -- on life.

I can read people now just by looking at them. I can tell their mood, or what their up to, what they want to do, etc. Just random people in public. Very detailed too .. specifics. When I talk to people now, it feels like theyre on some lower level and im on some higher level, when it comes to understanding, wisdom, the ways of the world, and social interaction between two people. I dont want to be conceited or cocky, not at all, but its literally like... I got more intelligent, and your average random people i encounter in society, people my age or status, when I talk to them and they explain things to me, even though I dont explain it necessarily verbally, I can see everything; their problems, whats causing them, whats aggravating them, where they are coming short, all of that. As if I were an old man or something...

I thought by now I'd have 'recovered', but im starting to think this is how I am permanently now. Of course, if i watch my health and stay away from booze and the like, my nervous system will be fine. I'm more concered about my point of view on society, i feel really odd when in public like ... I'm a GLITCH or something.

reply to post by runetang


I feel for you. Seems to me you have ascended to a higher understanding of life? Knowing there is more to all this, and seeing others just going on with their days as if they are ok with being, 'where they are'. I share the feelings of knowing, somewhat, what ails some people. I have seen a lot. I know of things, in the true light, that others only see the surface of. It makes me feel a bit superior, like you I am not trying to be insulting to them, but I feel the deeper meanings of all this, and it makes me feel different as well. I too don't seem to be fully satisfied anymore.
Keep on trying to understand this all, what is going on with your emotions and soon you may hopefully understand a little more. Share some of your insights with others, and maybe you will start to more fully understand yourself. There are always people who don't care to know the higher meanings of things. Just let them be. They too will eventually see they are missing the bigger picture.
I hope this makes sense to you. Up at 4 am trying to wake up for my day here.
Stay positive. Later, Syx.

Messed up sleep cycles have been proven to scramble your perceptions, and deaden your emotional responses after a period of time. Do some research into sleep disorders, and don't listen to talk about ascending to 5th dimensional mind states or achieving heightened vibrations or whatever crap is being passed around by other people whose capacity for reliable cognition is also in danger of being compromised by abnormal stresses on their brains.

The hardest thing to determine is your own state of mind. This is because you ARE your mind. It's a pretty simple concept to intellectualize, but really difficult to overcome on your own if you're the one struggling with compromised cognition.

Let's just be blunt about this and suggest that if this was a friend of yours telling you that he thought he was becoming intellectually or psychically superior as a result of his inability to sleep for more than an hour at a time, you'd be pretty damn sure that he was becoming affected by that loss of regular and sustained sleep in a negative manner. People sleep for a good reason. Their brains require that sleep in order to continue to physically function properly. That's been very well established. Talk to a professional about sleep therapy options.

It sounds like your anxiety has ramped up a bit. I would say that not only are you anxious and depressed but delusional. By all means post on places like this but don't rely on strangers for a diagnosis - please see a doctor as well..

You said that you have nervous system issues. Nervous system issues do effect the mind. They can effect moods and thought process. You should see a neurologist (and maybe a rheumatologist as well) to rule out physical issues before you start thinking that something metaphysical is going on.

Since you asked for input ... that's mine. Good luck to you.

Never claimed something metaphysical was going on.

I was implying more like .. is it depression, is it trauma, post-traumatic stress disorder, etc.
Also, as for the sleep, I am prescribed a medication to sleep. It doesn't keep me asleep though.

I am not delusional, you're short-sighted. My perception of all the little details when it comes to social matters, 'reading people', etc, is partially from anxiety, but also from a healthy dosage of OCD .. i'd imagine.

I can't see a neurologist, I don't have health insurance. Such is life.

I find that years and years of yearning for the after-worldly and suprasensual, ie. God, the afterlife, strictly spiritual desires, makes one value little the worldly and sensual aspects of our existence. Much like an addict, on a quest for that feeling once achieved, one forgets the world around them, one forgets himself, during that quest. And like sex, if things become routine in life, a little spice can liven things up a bit. Get out of the city and live in the woods; take up extreme sports; write a novel; go fishing; find value in life and existing, and things will taste much sweeter thereby. It's so cliché that its actually true. If one lives well, one sleeps well.

As for you reading people...I wonder how many times you thought you were right but were dead wrong?

might want to stop using the sleeping pills.
if you are being attacked psychicly in your sleep (it happens) they keep you from snapping awake in defense.

as far as that style of depression goes, it happens when one starts to 'lose the human form' by removing oneself from the hive mentality.

reply to post by runetang


hi, I know where you are coming from, it happened to me. been insomniac all my life. I also have had extra sensory happenings. Friends and family unload all their problems to me, like I know the answer!
and actually I do.
I know peoples motives. I cannot read minds or anything, I just know things. And how bloody depressing it all is.
People need their illusions and hope. its what motivates them.

I look at the 72 names of God from Kabbalah
when I'm feeling that way. I'm not sure how
but I always feel much better the next day
after simply looking at the Hebrew letters in the names.

For some pop psychology-speak expect a doctor to throw a personality disorder your way. Besides a history of psychiatric treatment, you mentioned delusions, or "special powers", lack of affect, narcissism. Actually they might throw a depersonalization or derealization disorder your way. None of this actually helps get to normal does it? It might get you broke, institutionalized, stigmatized, and misled from a true culprit of the disease somewhere else.

There is the chemical dependency of the OTC sleeping medicine but your hands are throbbing like an allergic reaction to something. If your hands are flushing and prickling or throbbing it could be related to histamines or nitrates, like you had too many processed meats or salty food, or you might have a contact sensitivity to something like latex.

A real doctor to choose first would be a sleep disorder professional. The sleeping juice might be interfering with true delta sleep and that's what your brain needs to truly reset after a pile of stress. See you're not shifting gears in your sleep meaning your circadian rhythm is jammed from healthy cycling, which is where the night terrors come from. And you'd probably benefit from basic supplement nutrition with your addiction that will sap the vitamins out of you, and shutting off the computer for several hours before bedtime.

So you friend your brain and old happy isn't the same. That's called growing up.

reply to post by runetang

I urge you to read (or listen to) 'the power of now' by Eckhart Tolle.
Eckhart spent the first 30 years suffering from depression and anxiety and one day it just lifted - he did not know why and spent years finding out - he shares his story and his findings in his book.
This is the audio book:

Not an expert at all, but sounds like your sleep issues are anxiety based.

The dementia feeling could be associated with the sleep deprivation.

My prescription for cheap treatment is as follows:
A change in your diet (more raw veggies and whole grain/root carbs) and/or a mega-multivitamin should help calm the out of place feeling. Heavy cardio, with your heart rate in your cardio zone, for 45-60 mins 4-5 times a week will reduce your anxiety a bit - enough to allow a restful nights sleep. Drink plenty of water to minimize dehydration. If you drink a gallon or more of water a day, increase you sodium intake to balance out you electrolytes.

Go heavy on zinc if you want a boost in the libido. Boozing it up messes with the old liver - take a B complex vitamin in the morning. If you went heavy on the booze, take another B complex vitamin in the late afternoon. If you start to get eyeball floaters, increase your vitamin C.