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Adora (beginning of my novel)

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posted on Jun, 24 2013 @ 01:05 AM
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As ya'll know, I love to write and draw. LOVE it.

I've got a great story mapped out in my head, a futuristic, post-apocalyptic story. I finally started on it. Please tell me what ya think and let me know if you'd like me to post more as I update.

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Adora




It was a day like any other, and Adora saw blood.

Every day was like any other here in Orbis... though this one seemed surreal, somehow.

She could not remember much of her dream... except blood. She remembered seeing blood... spotted on the ground, somewhere... and remembered the feeling of urgency... a strange rush...

But, alas, it was only a dream.

It was bright, as any other day... the sun shone with a fantastic, yet overwhelmingly bright glare over the great city. Orbis shone with a brilliance unparallelled, every silvery shining building glistening as though they were each their own star, and the great nation illuminated with life as yet another day began.

Adora blinked herself awake, suddenly taken by anxiousness, her heart giving a nervous thump. She didn't want to slack, or she would be late for her daily routine.

She sat upright, squinting around her room, attempting to clear her vision. It was obvious, even without looking into a mirror, that her hair was mangled and crooked. She felt it pointing in several different directions.
Short as her hair was, barely reaching the top of her neck, she still liked to keep it mostly groomed.

Glancing at the digital clock on the table by her bedside, and noticing it was five minutes after seven, she realized she'd overslept by about fifteen minutes.

Adora stood, streching, her night gown crinkling as she did. That blue night gown, like everyone elses, was thin, brisk, and now that she was sixteen years old, it now only reached her knees. She could remember a time when her night gown tented her whole body, and concealed her feet. My, how she'd grown over the years.

Her father always said such things. My, how she'd grown...

Adora knelt on her bed, watching the nation outside. Her and her father's shared two-bedroom unit was on the twenty-seventh flour, so, from the great big window along her bedside, she had a great view of the silvery shining city buildings.

Orbis was wonderful, she knew. A beautiful, flawless place where many people live and prosper, friends are made, romance breeds, and society thrives. And it was enormous, too... hundreds and thousands of miles were covered by Orbis, its silver buildings, its transport ways rails, its education centers and unit buildings... It was all the world was, and all the world knew.

Adora lived here all her life, as everyone did. It certainly was not your average old-school city. Someone from the old days may have called it a one-world government, or a control-bound conspiracy. But here, in our time, everyone understood it to be the greatest option humanity could ask for. There was rarely conflict, there were no political parties, and controversy was a thing of the past.

It was not a place you could simply leave.

Adora knew, as everyone did, that outside of Orbis was only dead land. Empty, uninhabited land where even the strongest species couldn't hope to survive... it consisted only of ruins of the old world, a corrupted, harsh world from a time when humanity was divided, remains of a world-wide nuclear war, where horrible weather and radiation consumed the air and the elements.

No one lived in the dead land. Orbis, the enormous, singular nation, was the one unit of humanity.

And a gorgeous place, it was.

After overlooking her beautiful home from the window, Adora let slip a smile, then hopped off the bed and headed into the narrow hallway that linked her room with her father's room, and the bathroom in between the two.

Adora took her uniform off the hook in the bathroom, changed clothes, and examined herself in the mirror. After painting subtle black and silvery make-up and black mascara on her big, luminous, oceanic blue eyes, she brushed her short hair down until it was unfrazzled, and under the bulb in the bathroom, her crimson red hair seemed to glow like a blood-colored lava lamp.

Satistied with her appearence, she checked her watch.

It was huge, too huge for her tiny wrist, but it was a glorious golden watch that her father gave her when she was very young, so she wore it on a regular basis. It barely fit into the dress code at her school.

Not that she much cared.

Adora often silently questioned the rules of her society, but never thought it important enough to voice. And, even if her golden watch broke the dress code, she'd still wear it. She would have to hide it within the uniform's sleeve, though.

"Adora!" A hearty voice called.

Adora poked her head out of the bathroom, peering into the front room of the unit, where the front door and the kitchen were.

She spotted her father, standing at the fridge, holding something in his hand, waving her forward, gesturing for her to approach, and she did.

Adora stepped out of the bathroom and walked up to her father.

He was a tall, slightly wirey man, with long, flowing jet-black hair, and the same deep, bright blue eyes that Adora had, and his hair was, most of the time, tied back into a long ponytail, which laid on his back. He wore rectangular glasses, and his chin was dotted with stubble.

"Got to go to work early today, sweetheart." He told her.

Adora stared up at him, nearly a foot shorter than him.

"I made you a sandwitch for breakfast, here." He handed the sandwitch to her. "Now I've gotta take the transport, okay? Have a good day, I love you."

He leaned down, grasping his daughter's cheeks softly, and giving her a light kiss on the forehead. Then, he turned, slipped on his coat, and headed out the door.

Adora watched him go.

She often wished she had more time to spend with her loving father. It was a long time since the last time they qualified for a vacation, and she would love to get a week permit to the poolhouse from the RAC. The Regional Authority Center.

The Regional Authority Center was the organization in charge of ruling a particular sect of Orbis, and in order to take a vacation from school or work, you needed to get a permit from them. You must be on record if you're taking a vacation, otherwise your chip wouldn't verify any reservation you'd make at the poolhouse, because your vacation wouldn't be on record, and if you took a vacation without a permit, you'd be considered a breaking threat, and you'd get in serious trouble.

A breaking threat, according to the RAC, was a citizen or group that could potentially be planning against the Imperium, or planning to break out of Orbis. Breaking threats were usually rare, but when they're pursued, they're pretty heavily punished.

The Imperium was the elite government of Orbis, who made all the laws and regulations for all the different RACs, and all the citizens of Orbis.

Sighing at the thought of the red tape involved with vacationing, she ate her sandwitch in about two minutes flat, wiped her little mouth clean, then headed out the door.


edit on 24-6-2013 by XxNightAngelusxX because: (no reason given)




posted on Jun, 24 2013 @ 01:10 AM
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Continued~

..............


The city shone, as usual, and Adora took a moment to observe it, placing her little hands on the railing outside. She glanced down, as she did every day, marveling at how steep of a drop it was down, imagining about how terrible it would be for a human being to fall from such height...

Afterwards, she turned and marched down the narrow walkway that linked the different apartment units, then stepped inside the glass elevator that her dad used just moments before her.

It only took about a minute for the elevator to zoom down to the bottom floor.

Adora stepped out after the transparent double-doors opened, and began towards the circular blue sign next to the street.

The streets were not used by people. In fact, no one walked anywhere, except to their transport stations.

Transport stations were spots outside along the road where the transport came at a scheduled time each day in order to pick up citizens and shuffle them to work, school, or where ever else they were supposed to be.

The roads were not flat, either. They looked more like shiny railroads from the old days--only each transport only needed one rail, not two. Transports had no wheels, they ran along the transport line. Some in one direction, some in another.

There were no sidewalks. No traffic signals, no crosswalks... in fact, the only signs were the circular blue ones that indicated where each Transport station was.

And here Adora stood, as she did every day, awaiting the 8:00 Transport that would take her, and a few other young adults in her area, to school.

It was a great, rushing noise--like wind around a bullet, when a Transport arrived. It was only to be expected, though... any vehicle traveling roughly two hundred miles an hour would create quite a gust.

Three other teenagers stood with Adora under the Transport sign. She knew exactly who they were, although she'd never actually spoken to them.

One of them was a petite blonde girl who lived in one of the apartment units. One of them was a buff young man with a buzz cut, who sat lazily on the bench at the sign every morning, looking as though he wanted nothing more than to drift to sleep. And one of them was a skinny boy with dark brown hair almost covering his eyes.
Adora stole a glimpse of them as she stood leaning against the sign.

The two males wore the male version of the school uniform--a sky blue suit.

The female wore the exact outfit Adora herself was wearing. A light blue dress outfit--essentially a suit, only with a skirt and tights instead of pants.

Everyone wore sky blue, and everyone wore uniforms.

In every school of Orbis.

The nation that shines blue.

After studying the three teenagers for a moment, Adora looked away when the blonde girl seemed to realize that she was being watched.

Adora hadn't realized it until now, but she had never made an effort to get to know these people, even after using the same Transport--and attending the same school--as them for many years. She didn't even know their names.

But she always figured it was normal.

None of them talked to one another, either. It'd be weird of her to try striking up conversation with any of them.

Adora heard the swift, speedy wind, just before spotting the glistening grayish-blue Transport fly down the rail and stop just in front of the sign.

Transports were one of the most useful, beautiful things Orbis had. Oil-powered pod-shaped little things, big enough to fit ten or fifteen people inside. They sparkled under the sunlight, their windows tinted jet black. Once inside, you could watch the city buildings zip by, but from the outside, you couldn't see in. Not at all.

The door lifted open with a steamy whooooshing noise. Transport doors opened from the bottom, not the side. They lifted open like the door to some fantastic, futuristic spaceship.

Closest to the open doorway, Adora stepped inside the Transport and claimed her usual seat in the back of the pod-like vehicle, gazing out the window. The others climbed inside as well... Adora wasn't paying them any mind, and didn't know which seats they chose.

The door closed itself, and the Transport took off.

The shining buildings whizzed by outside as Adora watched, her face pressed against the window as she layed on it, yawning.

Transports were controlled by people miles away, they didn't have drivers.

It was only the four teenagers, and maybe two other passengers aboard this Transport, and none of them spoke a word. Each one of them remained silent until they reached their destination.

Transports used to terrify her as a child, she remembered. It flashed through her mind like a movie...

Her first Transport ride.



posted on Jun, 24 2013 @ 01:17 AM
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Continued~
............


Her father had been trying to convince her that Transports were safe and even fun, but she flat out refused to go anywhere near it.

Adora was five years old at the time, and it was supposed to be her first day of school. Her father had missed his usual Transport, and he was standing near the blue sign, his hands like great paws wrapping around little Adora's shoulders, his thumbs stroking her gently, and his expression calming and cool.

He was kneeling before her, as she was only a couple feet tall.

"Baby, I use them every day to get to work, okay?" He explained. "Everybody uses them, every day. All the time."

"I don't want to!" Adora continued to cry, her cheeks stained with tears. She continued to sob, rubbing her eyes with her tiny palms.

Her father watched her, his eyes wearing an easeful, empathetic look, shimmering from behind his glasses. He looked down for a moment, seeming to be in thought.

"Do you want me to go with you?" He asked her.

Adora ceased her crying for a moment, blinking.

She gave the Transport a glance. The door was standing open, and the other riders already on board.

Adora returned her gaze to her father, her hands shaking slightly. She gulped, then, after another minute or so, she nodded.

"Okay, sweetheart, let's go." Her father said, leading her towards the door, his hand placed over the small of her back. "I can't ride with you every day, baby... only today. Just to show you its safe. Okay?" He said to her in a light voice.

Adora nodded once more, stepping cautiously into the Transport, peering inside with wide, frightened eyes.

The passengers gave her father an odd look, as it was very strange for a new rider to be on board, but nevertheless, Adora's father plopped into the back seat and placed her on his lap, petting her softly.

Adora began crying again when the door closed, because the loud noise had scared her... but after a few minutes of riding, she'd calmed down, finding herself mezmorized by the sight of the city outside, flying by as the Transport zoomed away. Her father got in quite a lot of trouble for riding to school with her that day... arranging his transportation plans was hectic later on, after he ended up stranded at her school.

Here she sat, in that exact seat, in that exact Transport, eleven years later.

Time had certainly flown by... even faster than the buildings of Orbis outside...

At age five, Adora had imagined a life of adventure awaiting her outside of her apartment... only to find that, after a few years, she would eventually realize that the greatest adventure of the day was the use of a Transport, or her favorite lunch at school, or the application for a vacation to look forward to. School remained the same, school work remained the same, the students and the lunches remained the same...

And it was better to live such a safe life, right?

If Orbis didn't support them, who would?

There'd be no hope without Orbis.

There'd be nothing.



posted on Jun, 24 2013 @ 01:20 AM
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And a great beginning it is

It was a good read & I'm looking forward to you finishing it.



posted on Jun, 24 2013 @ 01:27 AM
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Originally posted by sarahlm
And a great beginning it is

It was a good read & I'm looking forward to you finishing it.


Thanks!


I'll post all of chapter 1 on this thread as I write it. If the snowball keeps going, and if ya'll wanna see more, I'll make a new thread for each chapter I finish.



posted on Jun, 24 2013 @ 01:48 AM
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reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX
 


Dear XxNightAngelusxX,

Apologies; but, it is too late for me to read this and I have a busy week ahead. I applaud anyone who is willing to put in the effort to write and have bookmarked this so that I can read it this weekend. I want to give it the attention it deserves. Peace.



posted on Jun, 24 2013 @ 02:47 AM
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I liked it!

What sort of comments are you after. Nice ones to keep you writing all the way through to replies that rip it to shreds with advice?

As a writer myself I prefer somewhere in the middle.

P



posted on Jun, 24 2013 @ 04:35 AM
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off to a good start .. well written and interesting .. keep writing look forward to reading more as you progress with it .

s&f



posted on Jun, 24 2013 @ 09:40 AM
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Thanks guys!

I'm not looking for criticism (after skimming through a twilight book, I'm pretty sure my writing is more than good enough to be published). And I know the story doesn't seem like much now, but GOD! Just wait.


However, if you think something needs to be said and you believe it'll help me write better, by all means, speak your mind. Just don't try to rip it to pieces, please.


And I will keep writing, most definitely.



posted on Jun, 24 2013 @ 10:06 AM
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reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX
 


Well, this taster got me interested, and even a little invested, in your characters and the city of Orbis....

Please write some more!



posted on Jun, 24 2013 @ 05:03 PM
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Continued~

....................

The school came into sight within five minutes. Transport rides were pretty short, because their speed ranged between two hundred and three hundred miles an hour.

The door extended itself open, and Adora followed her quiet classmates out onto the board walk.

It was a massive, silver building... about half the walls on all eleven stories were made entirely of glass, like great shiny windows. Every classroom was designed so that the students could see all of Orbis at all times. It was a beautiful view, too.

Adora marched with a huge crowd of fellow blue-uniform-wearing teenagers, meshing together with them as they all walked lazily towards the front doors. Some students laughed and gossiped, while others strolled along, silent and bored...

As Adora approached the entrance to the school, she caught sight of a particular thing she dreaded every day...

Huddling in front of the entrance nearest her was a group of five students, three of them girls, all centered around a blonde, thin girl, who stood slacked back against the door, arms crossed, her long face wearing an expression of amusement, grinning, her eyes an icy cold green, her giggles loud and attention-grabbing.

The blonde girl's name was Linda, a popular girl, who was, more often than not, surrounded by her admirers.

Adora's stomach lurched, a tingling, uncomfortable sensation engulfing her from head to toe, clentching her teeth together upon the sight of Linda.

When Adora was within a rock's throw of the door, she slowed her step, hoping dearly that Linda would simply step aside and let her in...

But when Linda saw Adora, she didn't move. In fact, if anything, she seemed more relaxed in her posture, leaning against the door so that no one else could get inside. She seemed quite stationary, and didn't look as though she intended to move any time soon.

School didn't start until 8:30, and it was only about ten minutes after the hour. Adora was not in danger of being tardy, but she very much wanted to make her way inside and hide in her classroom alone before the calvary would arrive. She didn't like loitering around with the other students.

Linda, who picked up on this, was enjoying keeping Adora from her comfort zone very much.

When Linda's followers realized that Linda was having a stare-down with Adora, they joined Linda's side, glaring Adora down like a dog.

Linda revealed a smug smirk, then looked Adora up and down.

Adora squinted at them, partially trying to ease the sunlight's overpowering rays from obscuring her vision. She fought down the mad, angry urge to grab Linda by the shoulders and throw her aside like a sack of potatoes...

The two other girls, who followed Linda on a regular basis so closely that Adora suspected they worshiped her shadow, stood at each side of Linda. One of them had frizzy red hair tied into a ponytail, the other had plain brunet hair, and their faces were similar to Linda's. In shape, and expression. They all wore the I think I'm better than everyone else face.

Adora hated their cold, unfeeling eyes.

She despised meeting their gaze every day... their wicked, ugly stare, glaring at her, day after day, as though her simple existence was an abomination...

Adora returned the glare, her eyes firey, her mouth barely crooked due to her grinding teeth.

"Look what's back." Linda said, making her friends chuckle.

A stab of anger pierced Adora.

Linda, along with other students who considered themselves to be of higher status, often referred to Adora as something nasty and unfavorable, like a roach or a disease. They viewed her as something less than human.

"It's back." The frizzy headed girl said.

"It" was Adora's nickname.

Adora attempted to step around Linda, reaching for the door handle--and Linda stepped to the side, blocking it with her body.

Adora sighed, giving her a distasteful look.

"What? You wanna get in?" Linda said. "You get in when we go in, bitch."

The others laughed.

Linda glanced at her friends, hoping she had pleased them... they all laughed. She only had to look away for a split second--

Fwooo.

Adora's fingers wrapped around Linda's hair, entangled, and she grabbed two great handfuls of the blonde mess--then slung Linda into the frizzy haired girl with all her might.

Linda screamed.

Suddenly, every vulgarity in the book spewed from Linda's mouth like excrement.. and the disoriented prep looked up after hitting her butt on the concrete, trying to zero in on her attacker.

Adora pushed the door open, giving them a last, merciless look, then entered the school. Once inside, she began towards the entry guards with a pep in her step.

The schools of Orbis all had entry guards--armed guards to keep order in check. They were men in black armor, who carried three different types of guns on their belts, though Adora never knew exactly what kind of guns they were... and they each held a scanner.


edit on 24-6-2013 by XxNightAngelusxX because: (no reason given)



posted on Jun, 24 2013 @ 05:30 PM
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Continued~

.........


Every citizen of Orbis was implanted with an RFID chip after birth in their left palm, and everyone in Orbis had a small, clean scar on the inside of their left palm indicating where their chip was. The chips were used as tracking devices, but also carried every citizen's individual information... their credits, which was their currency, their medical information, age, height, weight, etc etc...

The entry guards used the scanner on every student in the morning in order to check them into school. The scanner was forked in the middle, splitting into a "V" shape, and the entry guards ran it over the students' left hands in order to enter their name in the daily database. It was Orbis's form of role call.

Thankfully, no one was in line yet, and Adora was able to rush forward, have her chip scanned, then make a left turn and shuffle down the hallway.

Adora looked over her shoulder... she knew that Linda and her friends were having their chips scanned, then they'd come after her.

Adora's eyes were fixed on the elevator at the end of the hallway... she walked faster and faster, so quickly it was almost painful attempting to force her legs to keep up... but it was a long hallway...

Halfway down the hall, she looked back again, her heart jolting.

Linda and her friends had just entered the hall, and left the sight of the entry guards. They looked at one another, locked in on Adora, then began sprinting down the hall after her.

Adora broke into a run, darting towards the elevator... so close, come on...

Adora leaped into the elevator and palmed the "No. 7" button, them jabbed the green button countless times until the elevator doors began to close.

The angry, shrill shouts and name-calling echoed down the hall, and they were getting louder, closer... come on, you stupid doors, come on... CLOSE!

At last, the doors sealed... and a moment later, Linda and her friends began bashing the metal doors with their fists, to no avail of course.

Adora released a breath, leaning back, her head against the wall as the elevator began to rise, and Linda's hateful screams could no longer be heard.

After looking down, Adora noticed her hands were trembling. She was not a violent person, not at all... and she'd never initiated a fight before in her life. Still, even knowing she'd later pay for her actions when she would eventually cross paths with Linda again, it was all too worth it.

About time, too... Adora had taken so much abuse over her school years. Not just from Linda, from others in general... and she was tired of it. She hated confrontation, but she was beginning to realize that sometimes confrontation was needed... unfortunately.

The elevator reached the seventh floor too soon. Adora wished she could stow away in the elevator forever... especially with the wonderous view of Orbis from the elevator's transparent wall.

Once the doors opened, Adora examined the seventh floor. After a moment's thought, she decided not to step out of the elevator.

Linda shared the same home room class as Adora, and she would follow her for sure. And, since the classrooms were going to be empty for the next twenty minutes or so, Linda and her friends would have plenty of time to hunt her down and attack her.

Then, a brilliant idea hit her.

Once, about a year ago, Adora skipped class because of a particularly harsh bullying experience, and she took the elevator to the highest floor... and found a door to the roof.

Adora spent nearly an hour on the roof by herself that day, crying. After she was done, she returned to her class and faced her punishment.

Going off grid was usually a pretty big deal, but you'd have to be off the radar for longer than an hour to be considered a breaking threat. Besides, if they wanted to find her badly enough, all they had to do was pull up her name on the database and pinpoint her location via her RFID chip. Once they discovered she'd never actually left the school, they would give her some minor school punishment, like detention or classroom cleaning duty, instead of turning the matter over to the RAC or the Imperium.

Adora pressed the "No. 11" button, waited for the doors to close, then turned and overlooked Orbis and the elevator rose higher and higher.

Orbis's bright, silverish-blue buildings stretched on for miles and miles. She couldn't imagine how entirely enormous Orbis actually was, and as she stared at it, lost in its beauty, she wondered if she'd ever be lucky enough to have the opportunity to travel Orbis rather than living in a single routine, in a single area, surrounded by nothing but repetitive school work, strict teachers, and mean hearted students who, for some reason, hated everything about Adora's presence.


edit on 24-6-2013 by XxNightAngelusxX because: (no reason given)



posted on Jun, 24 2013 @ 06:14 PM
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Continued~

..........


Once the elevator reached the top floor, Adora broke her dream-like stare, looking away from Orbis, then stepped into the empty hallway.

None of her classes were on the eleventh floor, but all the floors and hallways were clean, sleek, and almost empty with the exception of a few signature paintings or pictures of memorable people from the school, and an occasional water fountain.

Adora looked down the hall, first left, then right, trying to remember exactly how to get to the stairway that lead to the roof.

After pondering for a moment, unable to recall the directions to the stairway, she took a guess and headed left. She'd need to find it soon, before a teacher caught her wandering around.

Adora rounded a corner, staring out the window at Orbis as she walked... she didn't notice--

"Adora?"

Adora jumped, halting her step.

Just feet before her stood a man in a gray suit--the teacher's uniform--with short, dark blonde hair, and side-burns down his face. His brown eyes focused on her.

Adora recognized the man instantly. It was her home room teacher, Mr. James.

What are the odds?

"What're you doing up here?" Mr. James asked her.

Adora gulped, a million excuses flashing through her mind, none of them convincing.

"I... just..." She began, hoping she'd somehow verbally manifest a great lie, but didn't.

Mr. James gave her an odd, wandering look.

"Are they picking on you again?" Mr. James asked her.

Adora swallowed again, unable to find the words to respond. Her face flushed a slight pink... a feeling of shame began to weigh upon her.

She looked down.

Mr. James nodded.

"I see, I see..." He said, his tone softer. "I'll talk to them."

"No, don't... worry about it." Adora said before she could stop herself.

Linda and her friends found it quite humorous when Mr. James would pull them aside for a little don't pick on poor Adora talk. Although Mr. James was a great, wonderful person, and although his intentions were nothing but pure, and he was one of the few things about her school that made each day bearable for her, usually his meddling only made things worse.

When Adora looked up, she met eyes with Mr. James, who was giving her a quiet, profound stare.

Suddenly, Adora found herself fighting back tears. She forced her feelings down with every bit of effort she had, biting her lip, trying her damnest to remain as casual as possible.

"I'll talk to them for you, okay?" He said. "This has got to stop."

Adora shook her head, looking off.

Mr. James narrowed his eyes at her.

"What?" He said.

Adora paused for a moment, exhaling a slow, painful breath, using every ounce of her strength to keep herself from crying.

She wanted more than anything to explain to him how his talks only intensified the problem, but... how do you explain something like that without coming off as a complete crybaby? Forget it, her dumb little kid problems weren't worth burdening him like that.

Mr. James placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Come on, come downstairs with me... I'm headed back to the classroom anyway. I was only up here for a meeting." He told her, guiding her back down the hall from where she came.

Wanting more than anything to forget the whole mess, Adora decided to remain silent. It's not like anything was going to change, anyway... weather Mr. James got involved or not, Linda and her friends would not stop targeting her.

Nothing was going to change, so why get hung up on it...?

It doesn't matter.


edit on 24-6-2013 by XxNightAngelusxX because: (no reason given)



posted on Jun, 24 2013 @ 06:44 PM
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reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX
 


What I like here is the amount of respect you are paying to the imagination of the reader. The part of the story in the post I am replying to right now, the interplay between Adora and her teacher is full of totally unspoken subtext, giving the dialogue and the story around it a very natural, uncluttered feel. I really like the way that opens the character up to the imagination of the reader.

Its a very clever way of drawing the reader in, because it keeps the dialogue tidy, keeps the narrative from becoming overladen with explanatory information (an error which I feel all to many authors make) and keeps the mind of the reader churning. From strength to strength. I havent anticipated the next part of a story this much since I watched the first episode of Star Trek TNG for the first time, when I was... well, much younger than I am now
!



posted on Jun, 24 2013 @ 07:02 PM
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It was a day like any other, and Adora saw blood. Every day was like any other here in Orbis... though this one seemed surreal, somehow. She could not remember much of her dream... except blood. She remembered seeing blood... spotted on the ground, somewhere... and remembered the feeling of urgency... a strange rush... But, alas, it was only a dream.
reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX
 



It was a day like any other...

What does that mean? It's like saying the tree was as tall as all the other trees, and then not mentioning how tall those other trees are. What IS a day like in Orbis?

Every day was like any other here in Orbis... though this one seemed surreal, somehow.

You repeat the same idea in the very next sentence. And then you claim it wasn't the same as every other day because it was surreal. It can't be both.

and Adora saw blood

Did she or didn't she? You make it vague as to whether it was real or in a dream. Either she was dreaming or she wasn't.

Need to nail down your descriptive phrases. Good luck.



posted on Jun, 24 2013 @ 07:09 PM
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Continued~

..........


As Mr. James lead her back into the elevator, an odd, faint feeling spread through Adora. Mr. James always made her feel at ease... safer, even.

Though she'd never admit it--even to herself--she had a slight crush on him. Adora was somewhat of a helpless victim, and Mr. James was the only one who'd show her any care or sympathy. It would make quite a love story, but in Orbis, it was illegal to date or elope with anyone who had more than a ten year difference in age with you.
Besides, Adora wouldn't date a teacher... her father had raised her to be honorable, respectful, and to keep her interests within her age group. Not that she allowed herself to have those "interests..."

Everyone in her age group was out of the question.

Most of them disliked her... and the rest of them didn't acknowledge her existence.

Adora didn't intend to look for a relationship.

She couldn't even make friends, how was she supposed to date someone...?

After the two of them reached the seventh floor again, they made their way to room 313, Adora's home room, and went inside.

Adora quietly took her seat at the back of the class, in the seat closest to the glass wall so that she might stare into Orbis when she would later want to tune out her surroundings...

Mr. James slide behind his desk, fiddled with something in his drawer, then stepped out from behind his desk and walked across the classroom. He stood feet in front of Adora's desk, then placed a hand upon it.

She gazed up at him.

"I have an idea." He told her.

Adora said nothing.

Mr. James took a breath, looked away, then met her eyes once more.

"If I report this... it may be possible to have her moved to a different class." He said.

Adora didn't reply, but looked down at her hands, her fingers fidgeting.

"I've tried everything to reach her... she doesn't listen to reason, though. Perhaps it'd be for the best if she was in a different class." He said. "You'll have to tell me exactly what happened, though."

Adora sighed.

Technically, Adora was the one who initiated a physical confrontation... so, despite the years of countless name calling and physical harassment, this time, Adora would be the one taking the heat.

Adora rested her head on her hand, rubbing her temple.

"Don't worry about it." She said vacantly.

"If you want me to do something about it, you'll have to tell me..." He said.

"Its not a big deal." Adora told him.

Mr. James went quiet, looking troubled.

"I'll talk to the principal." He said a moment later. "I'll... figure something out for you."

Mr. James attempted to give her a half-smile, then returned to his desk.

It wasn't long before Linda and her followers entered the classroom, looking disgruntled. They all gave Adora an evil, almost painfully hateful glare, then took their seats. The other students arrived shortly after, and class began...

Mr. James began speaking to the class, and Adora disengaged.

She stared out the window, watching Orbis, wishing dearly that she could abscond to the unknown areas of the great nation and discover whatever else Orbis had to offer...

Class flew by.

After first period was over, the release bell rang, and Adora made sure to weave her way through the students and out the door before Linda and her friends could get anywhere near her.

Her thoughts had softened, and her mind was almost blank... she walked down the hallway sheepishly, almost seeming to be in a trance.

Adora entered the elevator, pressed "No. 11," and the doors shut before anyone else could plague her with their company.

For the second time today, she rode by her lonesome in the elevator up to the eleventh floor. Once there, she departed the elevator, molded with the crowd of students who were transitioning classes, and wandered the halls. For some reason, she didn't care if the teachers patrolling the halls saw her. She didn't try to hide from their sight. Oddly, right now, she didn't care if she got caught.

After five minutes or so of walking in circles, most of the students were in their classes, and the bell rang once more. Adora found a door in the corner of a dead-end hallway, the door to the stairway.

It was unlocked, thankfully, and she pushed it open, slipped inside, and let it shut as quietly as possible.
Adora climbed up the stone stairs, light from above illuminating the lonely stair way, as this room, like some others in the school, had a decorative glass ceiling.

It was the only place in Orbis Adora had ever been that wasn't accessed by an elevator or a Transport.

The roof of the school.




edit on 24-6-2013 by XxNightAngelusxX because: (no reason given)



posted on Jun, 24 2013 @ 08:48 PM
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Originally posted by TrueBrit
reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX
 


What I like here is the amount of respect you are paying to the imagination of the reader. The part of the story in the post I am replying to right now, the interplay between Adora and her teacher is full of totally unspoken subtext, giving the dialogue and the story around it a very natural, uncluttered feel. I really like the way that opens the character up to the imagination of the reader.

Its a very clever way of drawing the reader in, because it keeps the dialogue tidy, keeps the narrative from becoming overladen with explanatory information (an error which I feel all to many authors make) and keeps the mind of the reader churning. From strength to strength. I havent anticipated the next part of a story this much since I watched the first episode of Star Trek TNG for the first time, when I was... well, much younger than I am now
!


Yeah? Thanks!


I used to over explain. A lot. And after reading my own stuff, I realize how damn annoying it is.

I'll be sure to post every time I write some more.



posted on Jun, 24 2013 @ 08:51 PM
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Originally posted by jiggerj



It was a day like any other, and Adora saw blood. Every day was like any other here in Orbis... though this one seemed surreal, somehow. She could not remember much of her dream... except blood. She remembered seeing blood... spotted on the ground, somewhere... and remembered the feeling of urgency... a strange rush... But, alas, it was only a dream.
reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX
 



It was a day like any other...

What does that mean? It's like saying the tree was as tall as all the other trees, and then not mentioning how tall those other trees are. What IS a day like in Orbis?

Every day was like any other here in Orbis... though this one seemed surreal, somehow.

You repeat the same idea in the very next sentence. And then you claim it wasn't the same as every other day because it was surreal. It can't be both.

and Adora saw blood

Did she or didn't she? You make it vague as to whether it was real or in a dream. Either she was dreaming or she wasn't.

Need to nail down your descriptive phrases. Good luck.


I understand your perspective, but its supposed to be vague and confusing.

It's both normal AND surreal. It is supposed to be both. That's the opening feeling.

To find out what an ordinary day in Orbis is like, you follow the story. All of chapter one is basically a regular day for Adora in Orbis.

If I decide I didn't word something well enough, I'll go back and fix it up. The first time I write a story is never the final draft, and I'm posting this one as I write it. Thanks for the feedback.



posted on Jun, 24 2013 @ 08:59 PM
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reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX
 


I think that overly clunky explanations only really work in the HARDEST of hard sci fi. You know, Arthur C Clarke was great with that kind of writing, but its the rare author who has the academic knowledge and the writing skill to pull it off.

If you read Lord Of The Rings on the other hand, while the mind pictures painted by Tolkien were impressive, going on for one whole chapter about a particular item carried by one dude, while in the chronology of the story, a serious punch up ensues... it collapses on its butt from over exhaustion!

Anyhow... really loving it, BUT... I am going to bed now, so I will have to enjoy whatever more may come in the morrow!



posted on Jun, 24 2013 @ 09:11 PM
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reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX
 


Dear XxNightAngelusxX,

I did not have the time to read this when you first posted it so I bookmarked it so that I could read it without feeling rushed. I like it, I think you did a good job. Your style of writing is very nice, you interject with imagery and use some good techniques. If I have a suggestion, it would be that you perhaps try something more personal in location. That is not quite right. I didn't feel the setting was original enough. Sorry, I think you show enough skills that you could have made it more personal by setting it in the real world.

In my opinion (and that is all it is), science fiction works best when it gets us to see things from a different perspective than we would otherwise. So far, the challenges that the girl faces are the same as people face today. Having said that, I don't know where you are going to take the story so my opinion may change. In either case, I hope you continue the story and I will continue to read. Best wishes.



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