Our Family Is Just Waiting For Us To Die! Please Comment.

reply to post by shrevegal


I am so sorry for what is happening to the both of you. My advice to you (The same as others have said) is Disown them, and change your will.
I am sure there is charities that are worthy of your donations.
When i was a kid my Mother was cruel to me, no sooner a word than a blow was her policy, my eldest brother was better thought of than me, but in spite of this i still love my mother, she is 82 now.

Originally posted by headb
reply to post by AQuestion

 

wow, AQurstion, that's actually good advice methinks.

oh, but the right kind of attorney though. they aren't called sharks for nothing - sorry if you are one. just too many of those smooth talkin' Liars , i mean lawyerzzzzz.....

Dear headb,

There are good and bad in all professions. When my tooth hurts, I see a dentist, when I need legal help, I hire an attorney.

I am so sorry you're dealing with this.

I had to learn to give up my family because their psychotic negative behaviors began effecting my life. Fortunately for me, I did this at a young age (in my 30s). I empathize and wish you the best in separating yourself from this as painlessly as possible, in order to enjoy your remaining years in peace and joy.

While it will hurt you to do this, the freedom and lightness you'll feel once you know you never have to deal with them again, is heavenly.

You 'gave them bail money', some are drug addicts and you expect them to act altruistically???

I'm not on great terms with my family either, but it's because they're boring teevee addicts, not because they ever needed bail money or were doing drugs.

This is NOT NORMAL, at least not in some places. Sounds like the kids are products of their upbringing and now it's just the chickens coming home to roost.

Just want you to know that I am sorry you are facing this and that I will pray for you and your husband. HUGS!

My heart goes out to you for the troubles you are faced with. I empathise with the situation your in. You always hope that you do the best to raise your kids to be kind well adjusted adults. It is NOT your fault how your children are as adults. They are adults and have made choices as to how they live. You would have to ask yourselves this question, do you trust your children and spouses with you and your hubby's lives? If no, then take appropriate actions. I would make certain that a trust is set up for the both of you so your wishes are honored. Meaning you both are buried next to each other when the time comes. I also suggest that you do what others have said, use the money to improve the quality of your lives. Vacation, experience new things, don't let your family trouble your heart. You guys have already made enough sacrifces, you paid your dues. With what is left over, have it donated to a charity of your choice when its your time.

Your kids have made their choices, you paid your dues, now live life to the fullest.
Cheers.

reply to post by shrevegal


You can always give your attorney POA status.

shrevegal:

You fed them, you schooled them, you dressed them, you put a roof over their heads, you helped them out when they needed it. You have both given your entire lives to them. Your children are now ungrateful and conniving adults, and your obligations to them are at an end.

I'm 61 years old, and I was not a good son. With every day that passes, I am reminded of my failure to love those who loved me. It is a regret that eats me alive, and one I will take to my grave, and perhaps beyond.

So here's my advice: disinherit them all (but say nothing of your intentions until the will is drawn up and signed - and tell them nothing of your plans thereafter). Don't give one single penny to ANY charity. I've worked for a few of the big names, and I've witnessed things that beggared belief.

Since you have no friends or true roots in your neighbourhood, sell your home and all your property. Then take all your money and go see this beautiful world before the lunatics destroy it. After all, you gave up that world in your best years to rear a brood who now want nothing more than to see you dead.

Or move to Iceland, one of the few free nations left on this planet. Don't let "ice" in the country's name fool you - the Icelandic people are the warmest you'll ever meet, with an unusually strong sense of blood and family. And it's more clement than most of the Northern states in winter, with hot springs and spas everywhere.

Under no circumstances should you give a key to your home to ANY of your family. If you're worried about having a domestic accident, give a key to a neighbour you can trust with your life.

You deserve peace, love, and ease in your sunset years, but you won't find it from those you devoted your lives to. So look to each other now, more than ever. A new life awaits you both, if you choose it.

God bless you and keep you both. You are in my prayers.

Namaste, and much love and light to you.

David.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is challenging enough to have major illness/ disabilities and to both have this going on in a marriage is extremely difficult - you are both caregivers to each other, and in need of care for yourselves.

Your children/grandchildren are dealing with their own form of disease, which is addiction. It is (approximately) 50% genetics and the rest is situational/coping skills issues/peer pressure/perception/etc. No parent or child is ever perfect, and even the most loving mother can watch their grown child make horrible choices in life. Their adult choices are not your responsibility and their disease is not your doing. If they are adults (at least on the outside) then they carry the responsibility of dealing with their own habits.

So, my sense of this, from what you have said, is that they are too involved in their own needs to be able to care for you - and being an addict is a high-need problem. It is normal to be sad and even angry that your kids/grandkids, to whom you feel you've given so much, are not finding it within themselves to give back. Being an addict, as you probably know, can make people less mature inside - like teenagers, they may not understand or see that you are at a point you need them to step up and help, as they may be having a very hard time being able to take care of themselves and their families. I'm afraid your reasonable expectations and hopes of seeing some care come your way may need to be adjusted. Given this situation, if I were you, I know I wouldn't want my kids/grandkids to be in charge (or even immediately informed) should both myself and my husband be simultaneously hospitalized. That would be worth changing!

I hope I have not read this wrong, and please forgive if I've not hit the mark - it is your life and family, and you know best the dynamics of the situation.

Still, it is okay to feel whatever you are feeling! Getting those feelings out in a healthy way is really important - if you have access to good counseling, I would go for it! Blessings to you. Healing light and care to you. May you have everything you need.

peace,
AB

reply to post by shrevegal


You might have been too kind. A little tough love would have taught them they can't walk all over you.

Even bail money was provided when needed.

Not me. My mother told me when i was 18 if i ended up in jail not to call her. She told me "if you're old enough to get yourself into it, you're old enough to get yourself out of it". So i've never been to jail, worst i've done is get speeding tickets and i have a good relationship with my mom and my in laws. My wife gets along with my mom good and i get along great with my mother-in-law.

We are very thoughtful and cannot understand what ever happened to the "thoughtfulness gene" relevant to the rest of the family?

That started going out the door when people started taking out Jesus Christ's "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" out of our schools. Now instead of being giving, we see a world full of takers.

Now, they are demanding copies of our wills, want keys to our house....telling us if we are ever in a coma, they will smother us to help end our misery.

What kind of people would ever say that to someone? That's insane.

Are we wrong to change stuff. With no family to rely on/trust, who can be executor if we both passed at once?

No you're not wrong to change things, these people clearly aren't worthy of good parents/grandparents. If you have other children or grandchildren who are worthy, will them your things. If there are none then find a poor family, who are in need and bless them with your things, but odds are you won't both pass at the same time.

For some reason your family has an astonishing lack of shame and i'm sorry things couldn't have been better, no one should be treated like that.

Keep in mind your children are reflections of you

reply to post by benrl


I agree with most of what you said but not this. Non of my sisters or I are anything like our Mother and my children are nothing like me.
Children are just people, you can raise the same person a dozen ways but they are who they are. It is not the parents who make you who or what you are. Yes what they do has effected you but "reflection" I don't think so.

reply to post by shrevegal


I don't think you would be wrong AT ALL to leave your money to charity or someone equally deserving. In fact, I think it would be the best way to honor your memory. Perhaps one life lesson your children need to learn is the golden rule...do unto others...etc, and what better way to teach them than leaving them nothing in death, as they are quite obviously giving nothing in life. They don't deserve anything. You however, deserve much better, and I'm terribly saddened that you are in such a situation.

sorry you are going thru a tough time with mainly the grandchildren....go ahead and change your will, when that is done you will be relieved. you did the best you could with your daughter,not your fault that the grandkids are drug addicts...never give drug addict the key to your house.

someone suggested things like meals on wheels, have you contacted your local senior center, since family and friends have passed, it is a place to meet up with other seniors, and they have all kinds of services for seniors as well.

hugs to you! it's good to have a place to rant...feel better!

We are retired military and so were our parents. Be aware that JAG may give you advice. However, they most likely will not do anything for you. They wouldn't do anything for my mother but did give her advice.

You can do your own will online and it will be legal. Just make sure you give a copy to someone outside your family. Computer stores even sell inexpensive software to make your own simple wills and directives. The key is making certain someone you trust who will be notified when you die has the most recent will and can run it to the courthouse and I mean run. Or if your state allows, turning your will over to the local courthouse, if your courthouse will take it.

Check with JAG by all means, I'm not a lawyer , just speaking out of experiences I and others have had.

Have you thought about a police report, just in case?

reply to post by smyleegrl


Hi smyleegrl, So glad to see you here stopping by. You have made some really great points and we plan to have attorney advice next week. The main problem is how we wish to be buried...family wants cremation and we do not. As far as the money... husband was not an officer in the Army when 100% disabled so the insurance money itself is very small amount....enough for 2 burials, (ours) and a few thousand. Husband and I were only able to get VERY small policies because of all our health issues so the money isn't gonna really be any big deal regardless. But how we are laid to rest is the main issue that is disturbing to us. We have some average furniture and no gold/silver/bonds/portfolios and all of that. We just hope what little insurance we have will give us the burial we want and not what the family wants.

Thanx so much for stopping by friend. Always the best of wishes and hugs to you.

reply to post by 19KTankCommander


Hi TankCommander, Thanx so much for stopping by. You sound like a wonderful person! Well, when husband became 100% disabled during Army service, the policy wasn't much anyhow...(not an officer). Both our policies are very small...only enuf to bury 2 of us plus a few thousand....no stocks/bonds/portfolios/gold/silver or fancy furniture. Because we both have very serious health issues we were never able to get extra insurance. All we hope for is that if we should die in a wreck together or some such, that we would be buried together and not cremated and our family wants cremation. I don't think they realize the inheritance will be so small. We had to move around a lot during military affiliations and only own a small trailer. Husband has Cancer now....would like to move but not sure it is possible. I have MS.


Anyway, I am sure we will do o.k. in the long run once we get things settled. Legally, the jag office can help us with will and our wishes as how to be buried I think. Thanx again and kind regards.

reply to post by derfreebie

I admire what you have done and appreciate what you have said derfreebie. I wish I would have listened to my head and common sense instead of my heart. I had this unrealistic Norman Rockwell dream picture in my head...life dosen't always work that way. Thanx for stopping by.

Get a lawyer. Have the lawyer be the executor of your wills.
Move and dont' give a forwarding address but only a Post Office box.
And dont feel like you need to leave anything to any family member.
Free advice ... but I'm sure you have already come to these conclusions .. right?

reply to post by stirling

Stirling...I think I love you. All that you have said resonates. I appreciate your reply....you do understand. All husband and I want is to be buried together and not cremated and the family dosen't even want to do that right. I like your advice. The jag office attorneys on base should be able to make a legal document stating our wishes to be followed to the letter.
I don't know how rich they think we are....only have enuf to bury us 2 plus a few thousand. Husband wasn't Army officer so small insurance and after him being 100% disabled and me with health stuff, no further policies, or gold, silver, portfolios. Just some adequate furniture.

They are in for surprise. We have tried to give them nice things and do lots for them....they rarely visit, never ask if we need anything...ride to docs or food. We manage on our own. If we had never been generous to a fault, I could understand it but no...bread thrown upon the water comes back...nah, seems to sink. Bless you and best wishes.

Hello, I understand how taxing family relations can be, and I do hope that you can make peace with all those you know before you go. I don't blame you whatsoever for the way your children and grandchildren behave. Not one iota. Please do not cause yourself undue stress because even though some people think that they can blame their parents for who they chose to be today, I don't, and neither should you. I've learned not to expect love from others, sure, it's okay to WANT to be loved, but imo in my case, I've learned it's easier not to expect it.