Our Family Is Just Waiting For Us To Die! Please Comment.

Originally posted by shrevegal
reply to post by AQuestion

 

Thank you AQuestion for stopping by. I appreciate you cared to help and comment. You are absolutely correct. Hubby and I plan to see the attorneys at the Air Force Base jag office as he is a 100% disabled vet and is entitled to free legal advice. Our original wills were drawn up there and I am sure they can re-write/change all that is necessary. We already had our living wills done there...with DNR's written in. They are very kind and considerate and efficient there....it is hubby and I that perhaps did not think things thru...being guided too much by emotion at the time and less on common sense. Thanx again and regards and good wishes.

Dear shrevegal,

And if you don't trust your attorney, I will give you references. Wills can be changed up till the point when you are dead. Our children are not entitled to what we earned, give it all to charity if you wish. You and your spouse have raised your kids and to take care of yourselves in your own age. Protect yourself so that you can continue to make your choices with the resources you bring to the table. Best wishes.

reply to post by shrevegal


Don't blame yourself you have been good parents. Lets hope your children can wake up and realize this before its too late and face later regrets.

reply to post by benrl


benrl, Thank you for stopping by. I am sorry if I painted an inaccurate picture. Of course our life wasn't right out of a Rockwell painting. I am not perfect and neither is husband. Being a soldier and being away a lot was not ideal for family life. I understand that. I am not perfect...husband is not perfect. I am sure we made mistakes as all parents do. However, we tried our very best. For our only child/daughter, we tried much counseling/family therapy, psychology, religion, occupational therapy, medical solutions, loving and kindness and so on. No family situation is perfect and no marriage is perfect but by God, things didn't go astray for lack of trying to make things as right and decent as possible. Of course we are not angels. If I thought so, I wouldn't wrack my brain every night worrying/wondering why things happened as they did. We had no influence over our grandchilds upbringing tho and they are the main problem I was referring to here in the post, not my child/daughter so much. She is 50 now and we cannot do much relevant to her choices.. So what has my parenting skills have to do with the grandchildren that are adults and live on their own?

Certainly we are not at fault for their addictions/problems as well. There has to be something more to it all than to just have folks feel we were at fault and didn't try our very best. If I thought I was so rosey perfect I wouldn't be here worrying about it all now would I? I have no illusions relevant to the family dynamics....sure, it would have been better to not have so much military travelling and such but where does the blame fall on us relevant to our grandchildren, which was the main point of my topic and the ones that are causing the most problem? Sure, I wish our daughters life would have been better also.

If I thought our family life was all one big fairy tale, I wouldn't be here now turning myself inside out. I've had MS a long time, perhaps that caused family issues...I just don't know. Sometimes addicts have to hit rock bottom and help themselves. Husband and I helped all we could but can't see where we didn't do enuf. I love my entire family...if any/all of all their problems are my fault....well. Now I'm at a loss. You may be right in every way. Thank You for making me think more relevant to it all. I suppose I failed...the fact that you have seen it so clearly does give me pause for thought. I am very ashamed now.

reply to post by AQuestion


AQuestion, Thank you again for your kind help. We will be seeing attorneys next week but if unexpected problems ensue, it is good to know you can be of help. You are a Blessing to me and i thank you from the bottom of my heart and will remember always that you were there for me if/when need. Hugs and thank you again.

P.S. Usually the jag attorneys on base are great and helpful so will see if all is the same as far as their services. ^j^

reply to post by AthlonSavage

AthlonSavage, Thank you for the kind words and support. I am hoping for the best of all possible outcomes eventually too. I do not like the sad state of affairs relevant to the family dynamics and hope they become resovled someday. We all want to love and be loved and get along and find happiness and joy and all good things with our families and that is what i hope for everyday. I love them all no matter what has transpired and I hope they can find peace and happiness and solve their issues and bad health habits and such so we can all function as a happy, loving family. Husband and I are pushing 80 and do not want to leave this world full of regrets and sadness and hurt and we don't want them to go thru that either. Blessings to you.

Did you do your best. Yes, sounds like you did.

Stop hitting yourself over the head. You did your best and this is how it turned out. Crap happens. Live your life for yourself.

A parent only has (constantly reducing) control until they hit 18. You get 18 years if you are lucky. I would guess that moving kids so often does not help them. In fact, I know it doesn't. As a child you can't keep friends and it is so easy to fall in with the wrong crowd / gang if you are constantly in new / unknown environments.

I suggest that the last thing I would worry about is what happens if you are both dead. WTF, why should you care.

It is likely too late to do much to heal the past. Their future is their own and I have seen people turn their lives around so there is always hope.

You did your best, so be it. Relax!

P

Buy a Caravan and see the country or sell up and go on a world trip or something. Dont give them a cent.
Ungrateful kids dont deserve it, let them earn their own wealth. Worse case scenario leave your wealth to a worthy charity. I truly feel for your situation.

reply to post by MadMax7

Hi MadMax7, (I liked that movie by the same name). No, a rant is all this topic is about. If you get/got a chance to read the rest of my posting here, You will see i have been seeking and utilizing attorneys, counselors, therapy sessions and every other possible professional venue relevant to the problems for quite some time. The most I was hoping for here at ATS from some of my long standing good friends here and others that post here was some support, kindness, understanding. I feel lucky in that i feel I have my ATS family here....there are some really good people here. I would never expect full out legal advice or counseling from a website. I am a nurse and know where to seek counseling/therapy and have done so many times. The jag attorney office on base, we know enough to go there...so no, this was just a rant and a hope for some support/kindness/love/understanding...that is all.

The conspiracy stuff and ufos and aliens and all of that...of course that dosen't apply here relevant to my rant but guess what...i respect those folks too and some of them have interesting things to say and I respect them for at least coming forward. Sure, a few "klinkers" post now and then but many may have more valuable things to contribute than is at first discernable. They have the right anyhow.

Thank you for your response and advice and i know you were meaning well and I can relate to where you were coming from to an extent and thanx again and hugs/Blessings.

reply to post by pheonix358


Hi pheonix, You gave me a smile. I like the way you put things. You are right. My main worry is to get them off the wills so we can be buried the way we want, in one piece, where as they want to cremate,(burn). I don't like that tho I guess i wouldn't know it anyhow. I am gonna try and stop crabbin about it and move on...we may try and literally move outta state. Bless ya,you are very cool and i like you.

reply to post by kudegras


kudegras, You are so right and thank you for stopping by. We are gonna try and have more fun and possibly move outta state too..that may help. Our entire prob is husband is terminal with Cancer and I have MS so travel/move may be hard but not impossible. There are VA Hospitals all over the place for him. We will strongly think on it all and I thank you and love you for being so kind and caring enough to offer ideas. Blessings and love. ^j^

Sorry to hear about your kids, don't take it personal ( I know that sounds easy right!). Nurture has a lot to do with how kids turn out, and that isn't necessarily you and your hubby. You probably did your best to raise them right, but once this cruel world got a hold of them, well the rest as they say is history.
My suggestion would be to cut them out of the will. Donate that money to a local animal shelter, you can go there everyday from now till that fateful last one, and EVERY animal in there will show there gratitude. Best part is they'll do it without knowing about any money.
Last week I heard about a woman who left her money to her dog. The people who got him didn't know about it till they got him, you should see the dog house HE got!
Well best of luck with your situation.

reply to post by benrl

benrrl, Sorry but after re-reading your post, I felt compelled to respond to a misunderstanding on your part. My topic/post is NOT about my children but my GRANDCHILDREN, which I did not raise and have had no control over. My daughter is not the focus of the topic and is NOT causing the problems relevant to our situation. It is the grandson and his wife.

Daughters bad habits and choices came as a direct result of the man she married and his bad influence and behaviors and my husband and i had nothing to do with that. Her only issues when little may have been from military life She got counseling for that....she was mostly ok. tho until her bad marriages of which she had several. We certainly cannot live her life for her. Her choices as an adult are her own. It is the grandson and his wife where are troubles are coming from. Again...we did not raise them.

We have discussed daughters issues many times and did the family counseling thing with her but her husband would not support it. She is 50. Again, her problems were/are a result of the husbands behaviors/habits. We can only interfere so much...Her and her husband are responsible for themselves. When I posted "Family" in the title, I mostly was referring to the adult grandkids. I see no way that husband and I caused her bad choices she made after adult married life. She raised the grandkids not us. They are the main problem. She picked her untoward way of life well after we were out of the picture.


Actually, since the problems are with the grandchildren, your comments relevant to how I raised my child, which was not the issue hurt me very deeply.

reply to post by iwontrun

Hi iwontrun, Thanx for stopping by and caring about my situation. You are most kind. I think my post hasn't been clear tho...it is not my child that is the problem/issue...it is my grandson and his wife...i didn't raise them. My other grandson also. My only daughter isn't causing the problem relevant to the will...she has many issues but not causing us any prob in this regard. Hugs and love to you for caring and stopping by. ^j^

I agree...I like your idea...I love animals and would enjoy making a bunch a doggies/kittens or even one very lucky. A good idea for where a will could go....a childrens home....old soldiers home...and so on. I like you...you may be receiving a check in the mail.

Hi guys, Boy, do I feel Blessed and lucky to have so many great friends and kind people here at ATS responding to me and trying to be of help! I love you all for it! Perhaps it was the late hour and I didn't make my post/topic clear....the problem with the wills and burial wishes and such are not being caused by our only daughter but our GRANDSON and his wife and another grandson....none of those were raised by us. Our daughter has some issues due to several poor marriage choices with men folk that had/have bad habits and behavior problems. I'm sure we could have done better by her anyway too in the scheme of things but as I said....misunderstandings have come about as the problems are not stemming from our "kids" but our grandkids.

Sorry if I didn't make the post clear. I'm so pooped and pulling another all nighter cause of MS pain. Husband has terminal Cancer and has been a concern today but is resting comfortably here at home so I may have botched up the original post. Yikes guys, sorry if I messed up. Thanx for all the great comments and i appreciate each and every one and i know they all came from the heart and the advice still applies even so much as it is a grandchildren prob. A thousand thanx to all. You all have good hearts and i am lucky to have all of you folks to listen to my rant. Love.

Hi shrevegal

Everybody has missed the obvious as far as I can see you leave it all to me

Sorry I don't generally do serious, but do you have a friend you could trust to be the executor of your wills ? Failing that an attorney to make sure your wishes are carried out to the letter.

It's your money to do with as you please, but maybe a trust fund for a yet to come child to help them through college as long as certain provisions are met (no drugs for example). Or maybe the child of a friend.

Just a thought, if not then like you said leave it to a charity, and don't beat yourself for your kids drug abuse it was their choice to yes at the time and their choice to stop.

Cody

reply to post by cody599


Hi friend cody, Well, in the scheme of things. it really dosen't add up to much money at all...enough to bury 2 with a little left over. The main concern is HOW we get planted. I don't want cremation for us and the grandkids do. Sadly, at our age, most of our friends have passed on/moved/divorced and such. Our daughter, the only child we raised isn't causing the troubles relevant to the burial stuff...it is the grown grandkids. Daughter started the drug stuff thanx to gross husband choices so she can't be considered for money/arrangements and such. The grandkids are even worse. When we raised daughter, wasn't the drug thingy...marriage to wrong ones did that.

We will be seeing jag attorneys on the AFB next week and perhaps they can tell us how we can appoint someone, even if it is a military person, to be in charge of our burial wishes. I'm sure they will be able to advise us relevant to something to our satisfaction. I shouldn'ta started a rant about it all... Today was a bad day and what the grandsons wife said threw me and got me all off kilter. This kinda stuff is a drag and i like to have fun so my dear Cody, off with you to the chat section with another one of your "fun" threads. I absolutely LOVE those! I really don't like being a bummer. I don't know what I'd do without you and the other great pals of mine here at ATS. You're all the greatest!

PS. Actually, my worry is if we "go" same time...if not, and husband goes first or vice versa...we are in charge of it all ourselves. I wouldn't worry so much if we both weren't screwed up healthwise. Sorry, did it again. Lets have fun. Enuf of this gross dealy. Grab your honey and kiss the heck outta her and live to be 100! I'm gonna go look at my ole pics of my motorcycle and my wedding pics...sure were good lookin...still are for our age! Folks still say I don't look older than a well preserved 52.

reply to post by shrevegal


We're all on ATS for one reason or another
If part of that is getting to support a friend it's all the more rewarding,, trust me on this there is only one kind of thread that puts me on a downer and it isn't this kind.

I'm actually glad you posted this, it shows a trust in us, and for that I feel rather privileged.

Cody

reply to post by shrevegal


Hugs

Thanx all. Love ya! Gonna try and catch a little shut eye after i check on hubby. May check back later today. I rarely sleep more than a few hours. All your help and kindness and love means the world to me!! Blessings and hugs to all!

reply to post by shrevegal


So sorry for what you're going through. I can't imagine how much that hurts.

Do you have nieces or nephews? Perhaps you could leave your inheritance in a trust for them. If not, a reputable charity is a great idea. And I'm pretty sure an attorney can be executor of your estate.

Your grandchildren are not entitled to anything.. Heck, I don't want to inherit anything from my parents but photos and special knick-knacks. I'd rather they spend their money on themselves and had fun.

I wonder...would it be advisable to explain your position to your children?

Whatever you decide....good luck.



Edit to add: parenting is the hardest job in the world. It comes with no instructions, and every parent makes mistakes. Don't beat yourself up for this....at some point, your children and grandchildren have to accept responsibility for their actions.

My grandparents were wonderful, loving, generous people. All of their children turned out okay except one, who has a serious drug problem, in trouble with the law, etc. it's not the way he was raised, but the choices HE made in life that sent him down that path.