This is simply a personal experience that I had and I don't expect anyone to believe me, but I'll tell my story anyway, because it agrees with much of
what you've said and it had a profound impact on my life and the way I see the world.
First off I've done some drugs. Dabbled really because I was curious. I didn't try them until I was 34. I know what you're thinking, at 34 you
should be over and done with all that but I lived a pretty clean life up till then and when I realized that 100,000 dollar education my parents told
me would lead me to a life of happiness and prosperity and that Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy weren't real, so I started to wonder what else might
be a fabrication.
I didn't do anything that I thought I would get addicted to. I wanted to stick with something that grew out of the ground. I happen to live in a
state where you can get medical marijuana, and had some friends that partook in it a leidableot so I thought I'd givedible pot chocolate a try. a try.
After all they didn't seem impeded by it at all, and they did a lot of the green. So what would be the harm if I tried it once?
So they got me this chocolate bar out and out of the blue they showed up at my door step. I had just finished a bottle of beer and was cracking a
second. They told me to eat a quarter of the bar and I agreed and then they smoked me up. I had smoked cigars and cigarettes before so I wasn't
aloof in how to smoke. Everything got really chill and I sort of forgot where I was. We started talking about the great red woods and how they were
so big you could fit a car through one. I live in a small apartment, which was getting smaller by the minute and I started wondering if I might be
actually living in a giant red wood. Granted I was stoned. Really stoned.
But 45 minutes later, the chocolate hit me, and I can only equate it with nirvana. For those that don't know “Nirvana” actually means “Blow
out.” I didn't know that when this was happening. I was raised Catholic. This was all new to me. I experienced Catholic guilt. This was
unadulterated freedom. And it started out as infantile.
So I was giggling. And these were friends that I knew but had never been to my meager apartment and I was embarrassed because I live a very small
life. One room. A bed. A fish. No TV. A computer. I'm basically one room from being homeless. So I started laughing as they were talking about
all their stuff because I own nothing. And then I was laughing so much I squeezed out a little fart. It was one of those high pitched ones that
everyone laughs at. So I laughed more. And then I said to myself I hope I don't laugh so hard that I pee myself. Which in my mind I already had
done. But it was so funny and I was so caught up in my expulsions that my mind kept wandering. Granted in the real world NONE of this was actually
happening, but I, in my mind was tearing apart at the seems.
I've never had a seizure before. I'm not epileptic. But what I can remember and what those that were there can only be explained as some sort of a
seizure. My body went rigid and then completely relaxed. I was conscience through it all but what I saw wasn't the room I was in but the veils of
reality being striped away. It sort of felt like I was diving deeper and deeper into water. If gets to a point that it feels you can't go deeper but
I was forcing myself to while the weight of the water weighted heavier on my chest. I “saw”, ( I can only say I saw because I don't know if it
was through my eyes or just in my mind,) streaks of white and black passing beside me like I running down a hallway at break neck speed.
Little did I know that my friends were panicking they kept calling my name and telling me to wake up, but I didn't want to. I wanted to see how far
down the hole I could go. The farther I went though the harder it got until I almost hit this barrier. It felt like a steel wall. Like a distant
echo I could hear my friend tell my other friend to call 911, but I didn't care. I wanted to see. I wanted to see what was on the other side of the
wall. So I pushed as hard as I could.
I can only, describe the feeling as what it must feel when you are being birthed. Imagine you're putting on a really tight sweater where the neck is
way too tight and it happens to be made of concrete. I struggled and struggled, but after I was though, the struggle no longer mattered.
I didn't know where I was anymore. I couldn't hear or see my friends or my apartment. I couldn't even see my body. The funny thing, was the first
thing I thought of was “OH S@#T I'm dead!” But I was still thinking. I was still present. I continued to look for my body again, but in seeing
it wasn't there I immediately realized that I didn't need it. That I was free. And then I said to myself, “Well if I'm dead, I thought I would at
least get to know the meaning of life.” After all we hear so much about that. I was lead to believe that when you die you get the meaning of life!
I think it was about then that I realized where I was.
Imagine that you had the eyes of a fly. That you could see 360 degrees around yourself. You could see the whole sphere of where you were. Now
imagine being able to see the whole expanse of the universe like that. I laughed to myself. I laughed because the joke was so funny. The meaning of
life was the joke. We are the punch line.
I said to myself, “I've been asking the wrong question this entire
time! The question isn't what is the meaning of life. The question is who am I?” I thought for a second. I took in everything I was in. The
stars and nebula and I said to myself, “Well I'm Dan Sullivan.” But then I realized I wasn't. My parents named me that. But that isn't my name.
That may have been my human form, but I have no human form now and no name unless I give myself a name. I am and will always be free. Then I didn't
even have to tell myself I was free. I knew I was free. And I knew I didn't even need to have a name, so I just had to tell myself, “I am.”
`It was a call out into the night. It was a call out into the darkness that surrounded me. It was a pledge not to anyone else but myself to say
that “I exist!” I realized that no one could ever take that away from me. As small as I might think I am. I am. I am the ripple that makes the
tidal waves. I am the grain of sand that will demolish the pyramids. I am spark that will burn Rome. I am the butterfly that creates the hurricane.
And once I realized that I got bored.
Don't get me wrong it's really awesome out there, but being a God is pretty boring. It's as if you were watching the same movie, every day non-stop
forever. So in hindsight, I did something that I wish I didn't. Because yes this life is all a game we play with ourselves. We get so invested in
it we think it's real. And in my case I got so invested in it that I wanted to figure out how it ends. I completely realized that I could have
chosen any other path at another point. I could have been a king or a pauper or a genius or whatever, but I said, “If I do that then I'll have
forgotten everything I ever learned because I wouldn't remember experiencing this.” So I decided to come back as myself.
And everything went dark. And a single point exploded. And then I had to live every single point up until I got back into my body. Now you're all
saying this is insane. And I agree with you. But let me say this, if you've ever spend a life time as a lone pet guinea pig, it's pretty miserable.
Don't ever have just one guinea pig. They need a companion, or at least pay attention to them, and give them something more to eat then just
pellets. That being said, I don't remember what it was like to be a beta fish and I can only imagine how frustrated he must be.
So according to my friends, they thought I was possessed because I started speaking nothing but equations. I wish I could remember what they were.
I wish they had their iphones on but at the moment they were too freaked out to take video. So I came too finally and my nose was bleeding. I also
had blown out every capillary in my forehead. For the next couple days I had this muddled look on my forehead that looked like a sunburst.
Now you can choose to not believe anything I wrote. That's fine. Unless I experienced it myself I wouldn't either. I was a hard core atheist
before I had this experience. I still have trouble sometimes believing it. But it gives me hope and focus. I do find it odd though that “I am”
works itself into many different religious texts, and it always seems to be the name of God.
After my experience, I started to look for things that made sense. Honestly I was out of my wits and thought I was going insane. But I found these
two videos that put it into perspective for me.
And if you're wondering, yes, I am the illusion. You are the reality. Be the change you want to see in the world.
edit on 16-6-2013 by
Sully2012 because: (no reason given)