Law Suit. Dull. Dull Reporting. Moving Through the Courts. Dull. Then You Read the Facts.

Dear ATSers,

I've been "playing chess with pigeons," in Mamabeth's delightful phrase, and needed some fun. The result was a video of an astonishing soccer (or football) play which is posted here:

www.abovetopsecret.com...

Go watch it, it's inspiring and jaw dropping. Not like this thread. I know dull when I see it and this is dull. "How dull? Well, consider that it's published in The West Virginia Record, which proudly bills itself as "West Virginia's Legal Journal." It involves a personal injury lawsuit filed against Alpha Tau Omega Fraternity, and everybody else within 50 miles, as is customary in these matters.

The article includes burning, passionate, prose such as:

West Virginia Code required Helmburg to provide the president of the university and the West Virginia Attorney General’s Office with notice of his claim and the relief sought in writing by certified mail at least 30 days before filing suit, which he failed to do, according to an Order Granting Marshall University Board of Governors’ Motion to Dismiss filed March 14.

Helmburg “failed to satisfy the pre-suit notice requirement mandated by W.Va. Code…and, therefore, the Court is expressly prohibited from asserting personal jurisdiction over defendant Marshall University Board of Governors,” the motion states.

“Further, it is hereby ordered that plaintiff’s causes of action against the other defendants in this matter shall be unaffected by the dismissal granted this day in favor of defendant Marshall University Board of Governors.”

OK!! WAKE UP YOU GUYS!!

Remember, we're dealing with a fraternity here. Points to anyone who has guessed the story. Here are the facts:

At about 1:30 a.m. on May 1, 2011, the fraternity was having a house party both Louis Helmburg III and Hughes were attending, according to a complaint filed Jan. 23, 2012, in Cabell Circuit Court.

Helmburg, who played for Marshall University’s baseball team at the time but wasn’t on the Thundering Herd’s 2013 roster, claimed Hughes became intoxicated and attempted to “shoot bottle rockets out of his anus on the ATO deck.”

When doing so, Hughes startled Helmburg, who then jumped back and fell off of the deck of the fraternity house and was injured, according to the suit. He was lodged between the deck and an air conditioning unit.

Helmburg claimed there was no railing on the deck at the time of the incident.

Helburg claimed the fraternity was negligent in failing to provide a safe deck and that Hughes was at fault for consuming alcohol “which leads to stupid and dangerous activities.”

Please forgive me. I've read this three times now, and it's funnier every time. Yes, I know I'm sick and twisted and insensitive to people sufferings. You'll find some new aspect every reading, guarantee it.

I'm only doing this to spread the joy around. The country is collapsing into a Soviet-style tyranny, everybody's fighting everybody, but thank all that is good that we still have fraternity lads learning that "consuming alcohol . . . leads to stupid and dangerous activities."

With respect,
Charles1952

P.s. Make that four times now, it's getting more and more funny. - C -

P.p.s. 5, I can't take it any more. This is hilarious, get me my meds. help. - C -

LOLOL

I didn't see that one coming...fireworks!

reply to post by smyleegrl


I can't type. So, he was "startled" was he? Just because of the fireworks coming out of ........ I'm sorry, I can't write the rest of this.

Laugh and be happy, dear smyleegrl.

reply to post by charles1952
Now Charles you know that shooting combustible materials from one's rectum is standard operating procedure at frat parties. How careless of them not to have had proper safety measures in place for such activity!

reply to post by littled16

Dear littled16,

Ohhhhhh, I'm slowly recovering. Oh, golly. Whew. I can see the plaintiff jumping off the porch. (And no, a railing wouldn't have stopped him. It wouldn't have stopped me if I saw one of those coming at me.) A couple of seconds later, you'd hear this quiet drunken voice calling out "Uhh, Guysh? I'm shtuck here? Shomebody help me want to out? I mean want to help me out?"

At that same time everybody who can still stand up has fallen to the floor laughing, except the guy with the fireworks problem. He's fanning his rear, dialling 911.

Oh, I'm so glad you're here sharing this with me. Thanks.

With respect,
Charles1952

P.s. Impressive new avatar, nice work. Jury's going to be out for a while on it though, I don't make snap decisions. - C -

reply to post by charles1952
For some reason this is giving me a flashback to old episodes of the Three Stooges with Shemp desperately seeking a bucket of water in which to sit as quickly as possible- because Moe and Larry have set his tail on fire!

reply to post by littled16

Dear littled16,

If it's a frat party, they're probably drinking out of the good old garbage pail. Considering that the party has gone on long enough for sticking lit fireworks in your rear to seem like a good idea, I'd estimate the garbage pail was sitting at about 72 proof.

If he sticks his tail in that, he'll burn down the frat house.

Cut it out, I've got to stop laughing and do something constructive today.

With respect,
Charles1952

P.s. I've just learned the problem with the whole Muslim world. They're not allowed to drink. Send 'em a couple of million barrels of a good American bourbon or whisky, and they'll be launching their missiles out of their camels' rears and hugging all the GIs. - C -

reply to post by charles1952


I agree with you there pal booze should be free flowing for all , I have a couple of moderate Muslim pals and they drink, one of them even likes a bacon butty (his guilty pleasure he says).

(put it in the right one lol )

:lol
Now this is definitely a case of sue happy and legal madness at it's finest.

On a more serious note, in a case similar in NZ a burglar successfully sued the home owners of the property he illegally broke into and was attempting to rob because he tripped over on something that was deemed a hazard by the courts.

I'm about to head into work, but I'll try and locate and post the link a bit later

Okay, I've been thinking about this way to much and trying to visualize things.

I'm not a huge fireworks fan....but wouldn't shooting the bottle rocket out of your butt require the fuse to be lit next to your posterior?

Couldn't that catch....things....on fire?

Dang it, I can't get this out of my head!!!

reply to post by charles1952


That is humorous.

And points to you Charles1952, I was unaware you had a sense of humor. I must now reevaluate my perception of you in a new light.

Edit:
Not that I though ill of you or anything, I always enjoy your threads. I just imagined a very serious straight arrow individual. Or maybe I just missed the funny parts.

You must be the best posters on ATS. I want to stick around and help this grow, but I've got to get to a meeting. I should be back in 3-4 hours.

Watchitburn, I've got one or two other bizarre twists to my personality. For example the South African goblin who was accused of sneaking around the village at night grabbing underwear from women's clothes lines. Great, true story.

I'll hurry back

- C -

reply to post by watchitburn

Dear watchitburn,

This is your fault, not mine. Remember that. Here are some of my threads which I thought were amusing (Heck, you'll laugh at all of them):

www.abovetopsecret.com...

www.abovetopsecret.com...

www.abovetopsecret.com...

www.abovetopsecret.com...

www.abovetopsecret.com...

www.abovetopsecret.com...

www.abovetopsecret.com...

And here's one where I was just furious:

www.abovetopsecret.com...

Actually, I'm kind of proud of that one.

With respect,
Charles1952

reply to post by charles1952


Ha.

I remember the Bacon sunscreen thread.
I don't know how I missed the others, I'll have to go punish myself.:bnghd: