A Hard Day

Today my neighbor came home to find their tabby cat mauled to death in their yard by a dog. The suspect dog is known to have killed 2 previous cats but their were no witnesses to today's carnage. The neighbors are heart broken. So I helped them bury their cat in the backyard amongst the flowers.

Immediately upon returning to my own home I received a call that a friend just died of a massive heart attack. They want me to speak at her memorial this Friday. For several weeks I have been experiencing a strong sense of the importance of acknowledging my love and care for others. Life can throw so many things at us and all at once. Life is so precious but I want to respect death as well. There is a time for us all.

I don't know but suspect I am depressed by all that has happened and out of this emotion I wrote the following:

My Story

I begin my story with the admission
that I will most likely never finish it.
I have always been addicted to procrastination.
However, perhaps this time I will do it.

I confess somehow it is important to me
that perhaps there will be someone, someday
who will see my nakedness and not turn away.

My earliest memories are conflicting images,
of houses, grandparents, fear and laughter
all mixed together like a cheap potpourri.

The smells of cottonwood trees,
wet clay, lilac blooms and kerosene stoves.
What could these things have in common you ask?
They are the fragrances of my life, the sweet,
the sweaty and the stench.

I will endeavor not to write a self serving tale
or sing my sad song much too late.
For many years of my youth I felt special,
believing that somehow I would accomplish
something important, something great.

Now in my sixties, I am faced with my mediocrity,
and the horror of missed opportunities.
A handful of people think they know me.
I have hidden as much of my stench as possible
So they don’t really see me.


I seem to understand now
why men have built pyramids and tall buildings.
and placed their names upon them.

Maybe the goal of life is to be remembered beyond our death.
How many tombstones reach up out of the earth
shouting forgotten names.

There was a time I was full of optimism,
with endless days stretching before me.
I could do almost anything.

Now I have become one of those old people
doing nice things in hopes of accomplishing something,
anything of purpose and value in the time I have left.

Even pets leave their prints in the concrete.
What about me? Should I really care?
Shall I go hunting for a wet sidewalk somewhere?

Like a middle name that is always abbreviated
my faded name really doesn’t matter.
Will my life leave this world a better place?
Will my name bring a smile to a face?
If it does then I died without disgrace.

Thats a wonderful piece of writing and touching. Things do tend to get on top of us for sure. And everything does indeed come at once. I get hit with everything at once!. Im sorry about your friend to. They obviously respect you asking you to speak at her funeral. And im sure your kindness makes a lot of people smile. I smiled when i read This..Another lovely thread

Your story made me cry a little. Not because I feel sorry for you, but because I can relate. Totally. I can't add anymore than that. Thanks for posting.

reply to post by grayeagle


I'm sorry to hear of your friend.

It sure does seem that when it starts raining in life..it begins to pour down on us.

My prayers are with you friend now in your time of loss. Be well and peace and love.
-nat

reply to post by grayeagle


grayeagle, You see through my very heart and soul. Those words were yours but they are also me. I turn 71 July 8th and I look back on my life and I wonder. Did i make a difference in anything? I just made the mistake of reaching out and posting my heart out at the rants section and wow...did I get attacked. Now, I am more depressed and distressed and unhappy then when I started. There were some loving folks there but also very mean spirited ones who were not reading/understanding me properly. They made me doubt myself and hate myself for the first time in a very long time. I feel terrible.

There are a few dear hearts here who "get" me and care about me but some others?......Wow. I hurt bad tonite...real bad. Thanx for listening my friend. I sometimes feel my entire life has been a sham and a total waste of time. I love so deeply and still feel so alone mostly. Most times when I reach out....I get injured doing so. I,m glad i have you and natalia and Slayer and Doc and a few others here...otherwise....I'd be sunk. Hugs to you. You do read my mind/heart/soul/spirit.
I need you my friend...I hope you will not leave out on me.

reply to post by shrevegal


Hi shrevegal. Hope you are doing well today. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I know it must be hard for you sometimes but I also know that you are a very caring person with a huge heart. The trouble is there are a lot of mean people on here who like to fire off comments which are not nice. Just ignore them I say. I know it's hard to ignore them but just take the positive ones. There are a lot of nice people on here to. Keep smiling and good luck ..... Hugs to you my friend

reply to post by shrevegal


I believe there are small groups of people around the world that are reaching out to others. Those of us here on ATS that try to share our real thoughts and emotions risk the ridicule and even the anger of others. Whether they are driven by ego, despair or jealousy their words become like acid. It is a great effort to be open and not let their words break our bones.

I believe when we respond in truth and compassion we reap the benefit of being congruent. What we are on the outside is the same as we are on the inside. It helps us stay grounded and provides us a peace. The world appears to be on a path that is leading to the love of most becoming cold in a race to satisfy pleasure seeking.

Shrevegal, don't lose your kind heart and soul. You are much appreciated and important to us!

Peace to you my friend

reply to post by shrevegal


Oh gal I am so sorry people on here made you feel that way. There are a lot of mean spirited people on this site, and there are quite a few of us who are kind hearted like you my sweet friend. Doc, Cody, eagle, you...and there are others, I have found them. And I enjoy having you guys as my friends. Even though we don't see each other, I can feel you from your writing.
I know it's so hard to ignore mean comments, and a lot of times I let what people on here get to me and it sure is depressing. It's harder said than done just to ignore but you have to or people will pull you down with them. And the people who are rude and mean ...more than likely hate themselves so they have to lash out at the nice ones to feel better.

Stay strong, I know you are. You've told me before you've been through so much and look your still standing and about to be 71!!! That's awesome! I cherish you as a friend and you have a beautiful soul and heart.

Peace and love and a ton of hugs to you friend.

We are all here for you. You can u2u me any time you feel you need to talk. I am always around.
-nat