This is a very interesting thread to me. And made more so after reading your other thread
from earlier in the week.
I have just sort of made my return
to ATS after about 8-9 months away.
It's sort of hard to allow my personal wall down and break through my shell to answer your questions, but I believe now is a good time to do that.
After cheating death twice in the last 6 months.
I will begin by going on record before others pop up and say something about this, that there is a huge difference between feeling sad, and feeling
depressed. Everyone gets down at times. And it is totally normal. Sadness is a feeling. An emotion. Depression however is more of a state of being. I
am a medical professional, and I know when I say that depression is an illness. It is caused by a chemical imbalance. It comes from having a lack of
serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine, among other things. These are neurotransmitters in the body that help allow nerve impulses travel between
gaps in nerves.
With that said, a don't worry, be happy attitude, may can help overcome sadness, but rarely if ever is effective for a true depression. In this case,
sometimes drugs are the answer. No..not in that way!
Anyway, before I get too far off topic! Back to me answering your questions. I've had off an on issues with depression for years now. Decades
actually. But until recently the reasons were unknown to me. Now, within the last 7 or so years I've developed reasons that are sufficient for my
logical mind to accept! My wife is a rapid cycling bi-polar. And it is very, VERY hard to live with her at times. This is a reason I know which
contributes to my depression. And has in a big way since 2005 or so.
I used to be fairly extroverted. But since she never likes doing anything, I'm now pretty introverted. And it seems to be getting worse. Well,
introverted in a personal way. I still seem to make a lot of friends online. Or enemies!
It seems like I've always felt like more of an observer of society than a member of it though. Usually. On the outside looking in........
Anyways, now for the meat of my post. Just after thanksgiving this past year, I began to realize something was wrong with me. I was sick. I just
wasn't sure exactly how for a week or two. It turns out, I had a bacterial infection on my aortic heart valve, and was preventing it from closing. At
all! And I was in congestive heart failure. I had also developed a rather large aneurysm just above the valve on my aorta. The operation should have
been about 5 hours long, but I was on the table for 16 hours. Then, after "rebooting" me, I encountered start up problems. It was 2 days later
before I woke up. I still left the hospital within a week thought. This may have normally caused some people to question their meaning of life or some
other spirituality's or something, but not me. Not yet at least.
Then, just under a month ago, I got violently ill after eating. After a second episode in under a day again, I knew something was wrong. This time, it
was acute pancreatitis caused by by gall bladder acting out and heaving gall stones at my pancreas and liver. After having the offending party removed
from the building, I again didn't want to wake up from surgery correctly.
Now I'm worried that if I ever have to have another surgery I may just not wake up at all. Surprisingly though, that doesn't bother me that much. At
least not as much as waking up with an intubation tube in me like I did in December. I've intubated countless people in the past personally. And even
had contemplated how it might feel knowing I was intubated myself. I didn't like it at all.
I've left out multiple other things. I'm trying hard to stay on topic here.
I'm still alive and kicking. But finally, I'm truly starting to feel
and maybe act different about my existence. I still believe I'm here because I'm here. But now why am I HERE.
And is it worth carrying on?
Why should I? I haven't even been able to cut my grass yet this year. I don't want to be stuck inside, and it will change, but is it worth it?
To quote the song Fade To Black Emptiness is filling me. To the point of agony. Growing darkness, taking dawn I was me, but now he's gone.
That's honestly how I feel now. And I don't know if that feeling is ever going to change.