I want to start this post by first saying that I love having ATS as a family
My problem is blood relatives that have been toxic for many years now. They consistently seek drama and negativity, and will even stir up 'mess' when
there is none.
The woman that gave birth to me is such person. Years ago, I made the decision to cut her out of my life due to a long history of abuse; emotional,
psychological, and verbal. As an adult, I often wondered why my grandmother, her mother, would always side with my mother depsite her cruelty to me,
to the point where I begin to see her (grandmother) role in the abuse. She would often say, "I know she keeps hanging up on you and cursing you out;
but keep calling her and tell her you love her- remember you only have 1 mother".
Following her advice would only add to my hurt, as my mother (and her) seemed to enjoy watching me 'chase' after my mother.
Soon I start to see that grandmother was not the 'dear old grandmother' that I thought she was. I begin to see through her deciet and manipulation as
well. It became apparent that these two women were bad for for my well-being
Later, I begin to see that the only communication from my mother was negative. She would call maybe once or twice a year, literally, only if she'd
heard I lost a job, entered an abusive relationship, financial troubles, etc. Never anything else like birthdays or holidays.
Once when I was not working and had faced eviction, my mother told me that I could only live with her if I dropped out of school and 'quit being so
uppity' by looking for office work- take minimum wage and quit chasing the college 'dream'. She told me to quit being too good to accept welfare.
Ever since I have been in college after my military service, I have been told to 'quit the college "thing" ' by my family members. I tell them that I
am trying to be successful, gain wealth and independence, and become a great example for my 3 children.
So much that I am leaving out, trust me, but my family members are completely and utterly dysfunctional.
One thing that I learned from a good friend to do whenever they bring their drama to me (by phone, text, or in person) was to change the subject and
talk about something positive in my life. For example:
Grandmother: Hey (ButterCookie). How are you?
Me: Great!! And you?
Grandmother: Oh I'm doing just fine. Listen, I heard that you and (my son's father) were arguing about something the other day. What was it?
(salavating for drama)
Me: Ohhh, that was nothing. We were able to work it out (probably a lie, but I won't give her the satisfaction). Anyway, I'm soooo glad you called.
I am getting ready to take the LSAT for law school and write start applying at various law schools such as .......I'd like for you to help me narrow
down my choices."
Grandmother: Nahh...don't have time. Anyway, I have something to do. Bye now.
Basically, positive news is a repellant to them.
Many of you know a little about me. As a black woman in a circle of impoverished family members, essentially, I "dared" too much for them. I dared
to 'leave the plantation' by:
wear my hair natural (not permed)
not voting Democratically
seeking higher education
not wanting to be comfortable living on welfare
not being religious
I basically started this thread because I have come to realize that 'family' is who you make it. We do not get to chose our blood relatives;
therefore I believe that we are not bound to them, especially if they are toxic.
Water is thin, and blood is thick- but too much blood can make you sick.
edit on 22-5-2013 by ButterCookie because: (no reason given)