Need some guidance and a short personal history.

This may be a long post, but it's imperative that you read it in it's entirety if you wish to help. I am leaving out some details to maintain a thin veil of security.

About me: Originally Norwegian (born) I moved to the U.S. with my mother when I was around four years old. I've been raised in the U.S. until I decided to return to Norway for college. However, things took a rough turn. I'm used to struggling in life. I'm used to having to have to fight for everything I have. When I was little, my step father was abusive towards my mother. I could hear her being beat up in the room next to mine. It was a struggle being a child. Especially when the police would come and to see my family split up. Not knowing what's going to happen next. Or if this is going to happen again. And I think a lot of my childhood experiences may be partly the cause for my problems in adulthood.

As I said, I moved back to Norway to go to college. I was eighteen. I got into a school for architecture but found a girl, a person I thought was the love of my life. I had to ditch school in favor of finding a job to support us. Shortly after, we had a child. All this was very difficult for me as I was in what I call an "extended culture shock". I'd also like to mention she was five years older then myself and was previously married. (Not that I believe that had anything to do with what happened.)

Throughout our relationship, I was being abused. It's hard for me to say, as I wouldn't allow the situation to ever occur again. It was daily, I'd be yelled at, mentally tortured and physically hit and kicked. Yet, I stuck with her.

The final straw was when I found out she was cheating. And the kicker is, SHE asked for a divorce, something I gave her. About six months to a year later, she told me she wanted to get back and that she wanted a chance. That she had made the biggest mistake of her life. I said NO, and I believe I did the right thing. As she said, "You can't even give me ONE chance after all the chances I gave you?!". (The chances she's talking about were the times she got upset over something trivial like dishes and physically attacked me.)

I couldn't go anywhere alone, she expected me to do everything so she could hang out with her friends. Everything was somehow my fault (like the roof in the house we rented which was bad...). I wasn't allowed to contact my family, and if she noticed I got sad from that, she'd say, "Oh do you miss your brothers d***?" Or, "Do you miss your mothers p****?".

So that's what I've experienced so far, plus a ton of other things I'll leave out for now. I'm going through a deep bout of depression. I've gone up in weight, no energy and my angst is at an all time high. I'm taking "Escitalopram" for my angst, but it isn't doing to hot of a job.

So I'm asking you all, what can I do to better my situation mental wise? What can I do about my lethargy? I'm desperate for some guidance from someone who knows what I'm going through.

Thanks for reading and I'm looking forward to replies.

You were given a bad apple so you can truly cherish the next one you are given. Thank god that you went through that heartache because even if it didnt teach you who you are, it taught you who you were not.

Pain exists to teach us something. Dont get down on yourself, nothin wrong with you dude. Forgive the girl and move on, your destiny awaits.

Emotional and verbal abuse is tough. As tough as actual physical violence. People don't realize how deep an effect it can have on our psyche. I can tell you are fully aware of that. I feel your pain. I am in a similar situation right now.

So I am going to be blunt. After what you have been through I think you can appreciate it (and take it).

You do realize that you were attracted to this girl you married because she was the same as your stepfather. Abusive, controlling, never measuring up, etc. Its all you know from your upbringing. We tend to gravitate to relationships we are familiar with even if it is painful.

So its not your fault that she recognized you as someone she could control. Socio-paths can spot this right away. They are attracted to victims (like you).

Don't take that the wrong way, you did absolutely the right thing by ending it and refusing to take her back. She came back for more. She misses picking on someone. Sociopaths love their victims the way lions "love" their prey. The feed on avarice, misery and argument. They swell up with it.

In this regard they really don't care about you except how you can feed their dysfunction. You get that? They don't care about you. They sure don't love you in the normal sense of the word.

People like your stepfather and your ex are the real scumbags, not you. They have brought down your self esteem by making you think you aren't good enough. But really you are so much better than them. You are not like them. You are beautiful. Always remember that.

Now that you are waking up to the cycle of abuse and the hold it has had over you, you wil recognize it in the future when people begin to use it on you. The first thing is the awareness, which you have.

The other is to learn more about Narcissism and Sociopathic tendencies. Heres an article and a compelling video that is sort of hard to watch but gets the point across. There are others in that area of YouTube as well.

Narcissistic and Sociopathic tendencies

Psychological Manipulation

Remember, you aren't the problem, they are. Stay as far away from these type people as you can. It will take a while to get your idea of self and goodness back. You have been through enormous trauma.

For improvement on the lethargy I would recommend working out. Get your heart beating and your blood pumping and a good sweat. You could play some pick-up basketball at a local park or gym, which would have you interacting and working out without it being too much like working out. If sports aren't your thing you could run or cycle or swim and lift some weights....there are tons of ways it will shake up your blocks of sadness and naturally elevate your state of well being. If you're not eating balanced meals or too much salt or sugar you should drink a lot of water and start eating things that are green. Just simple things to start with will make a big difference.

Auricom,
I am really sorry something like this happened to you. You were right to not take her back. As intrptr already pointed out than you seem to be repeating patterns. You will need to look for these and work on them. If you are feeling low please do not take anti-depressants. I did start a thread about some supplements that are much safer perhaps you can take the time to read through it. Their are lots of good tips in the thread-
www.abovetopsecret.com...
Other than that-
Start working out.
Eat healthy
Join a support group
Have goals in life. Maybe enroll in a community college on your way to higher education.
Start going out again. There are lots of singles group on meetup.com for most cities as well as interest groups.

Good Luck!

There is some good advice here.

I had an abusive childhood and my first relationship was very abusive. Most people who experienced abusive childhoods lean towards abusive relationships. That is normal. The challenge is to pay attention to all the signs and make sure you never put yourself in that situation again.

Working out is great.

Self talk! You can convince your mind of anything if you tell it the same thing long enough. Just make sure you are telling yourself the right things.

Immerse yourself in a hobby or two or three. Since you are here on ATS thoroughly researching your favorite topics would be a great place to start.

Get to know yourself. The better you know yourself the better you will know how to help yourself past this, and how to cope with and minimize future pain.

Auricom - what a brave post. I applaud you for reaching out for help and advice. Early in my life, my first big relationship was abusive - mostly verbal and control and veiled threats. I was only 20, got pregnant, and felt stuck. It lasted four more years. Break up, back together, break up, back together. I knew it was a dance, albeit a bad, sick one. An abuser needs a victim. I was the victim.

One day, I read a story in a magazine about a woman who wrote a note to herself to remind herself everyday that she would get out of the situation she was in. She wrote: "Not one more day." It meant the world to me. I finally broke it off for good, got my child and myself the hell away -- even went away to Ireland for a month to make a clean break and be safe during the initial fallout.

At 20, I was told "you're fat, old and ugly" - and I was none of those things. I was young, thin and pretty. Just beaten inside. When I finally got the gumption to say no to the revolving door relationship, I realized I could do, be and accomplish anything I set my mind to. I never wanted to be beholden to a man to feed my child or put a roof over our heads. And I never have been again. I made darn sure I could pay my way in the world and make choices.

Funny, my mother was emotionally abusive to us -- and as a woman, I still found that abusiveness in a man. Weird how that works. My dad was not abusive and was the voice of reason.

I wish you all the best, friend.