Short Story Intro - Valentine and Lane

I wrote this as an introduction to a novella I'm writing. Constructive criticism is always welcome! Enjoy!

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“Help me!” she cries, hanging by her fingertips from the ledge of the balustrade. “God damn it Lane, give me your hand – please!’

We had a happy marriage, albeit short. An active couple, we spent a few summers outdoors, in exotic locales, hiking and exploring places many others have seen only in pictures. She almost fell once in British Columbia, climbing Mount Sir Donald. On a particularly difficult ascent, her grip failed her. I managed to catch her hand before she lost footing, but I could see in her eyes that she glimpsed a piece of the end before I grabbed her – she has that same look now.

I stare down at her thick brown hair, dancing across her face and weaving through her long, curled eyelashes. She really is quite beautiful tonight; her black dress, although torn, fits her perfectly. *Tha-thump* Her heart is beating so loud that for an instant, I think I can see its outline pounding in her chest. The green brooch attached at her shoulder is the exact shade of the eye shadow she wears, which is now streaming down her cheeks to her chin. I can’t decide if she’s crying, or if her tears came with the wind, painting some sad picture to arouse sympathy. *Tha-thump*

“Lane, please! I’m slipping!” *Tha-thump, tha-thump*

She is. I can see the tips of her fingers sliding closer to the edge, her frantic attempts to regain a solid hold are ripping the nails from her fingers, blood running down her arms into the sleeves of that pretty black dress. I think maybe her tears are real, after all. *Tha-thump* Her heartbeat is giving me a headache. The constant pulse grows in frequency and in severity – a boa constrictor, crushing my skull like a tiny rat. *Tha-thump, tha-thump*

I look away from Valentine and down to the courtyard below. When it fell, Daniel’s body landed right on top of the main attraction; a large marble statue of the Greek god Neptune, just recently acquired by the host of the party that was taking place around it. The statue had fallen from its pedestal as Daniel crashed into it, but Daniel was in worse shape. Dead, most likely, but it was hard to tell from this high up. Daniel’s misfortune was quickly brushed aside, however, when the socialites realized there was yet another catastrophe at hand. They are now looking up to me and Valentine, forty feet above.

*Tha-thump, tha-thump*

“I swear to God, Lane – I’ll get it back! I can find it for you!”

*Tha-thump, tha-thump*

I take a calm, deep breath and look back into her eyes. Time shifts, everything slows down around us as we simultaneously realize this is the final moment.

*Tha-thump, tha-thump*

“Don’t worry, Val. It should be quick.” I lean over the rail and pick the small green brooch from the shoulder of her dress, that beautiful black dress. Valentine is silent as I slide the gem into my pocket and turn around. Screams pierce the air outside as I walk back through the door, into the upper bedroom of the estate. It feels like justice.

reply to post by Vilhelm


That was really good friend. I felt the emotion.

Thanks for sharing this with us. God job
~nat