Okay. I need help here. I am desperate.

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posted on May, 14 2013 @ 11:06 AM
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I really apologize for posting two self-indulgent threads in one day, ATS. I feel like a crybaby.

But I have a serious problem. I'm not expecting everyone to understand it completely, cause hell... I don't understand it completely. But objectivity is what someone stuck in the middle of a problem lacks, and that's what I'm looking for here. Objective perspectives.

Okay, summary...

My mom and dad have been divorced for ten years. It ruined all of our lives, exposed us to an abusive step mother, broke mom's heart, turned dad into #1st an alcoholic, then #2nd into a pill head. After he divorced the step monster a few months ago, miraculously, he gets back together with my mother, which is nothing short of a miracle. The amount of hatred they've expressed for one another over the past decade is astonishing.

So, dad moved into mom's apartment, and they lived fine for a few months.

Now, here we are.

They've both been fighting like crazy lately.

Now listen--I have a bit of a history with both of them. When I was little, I used to get into screaming matches and sometimes physical fights (which was really more of a restraint most of the time, because I was little). He was a tyrant of a father. He wasn't too bad, but he was bad enough to make me feel like a failure all the time.

Then, when I moved in with my mother at the start of high school, at first, all was well... then, she and I began to fight too. She'd hear me say something, then instantly get angry at me and yell at me because I sounded "just like my father." She made me feel bad for a lot of senseless things. She didn't mean to, but she's a generally very bitter person when she's not in a good mood. She's been hurt a lot.

And, since I lived with her, I got to take all of it.

It got to the point where she and I got into physical confrontations a few times.

And lately, she and I fought a few times a few weeks ago, and I made the mistake of venting to my father about it. I know better than to open up to either one of them, because emotions are ammunition in my family. You keep them to yourself, or they come back to haunt you.

He--for the first time in my life--agreed with me, saying he feels the same way. Like he's "walking on eggshells" around her.

Then, he goes and tells her that he's not sure if he wants to be with her.

So... my mother is falling apart, crying, and I feel like complete TRASH because I caused this. I know I didn't force him to make that decision, but I egged him on.

See? Emotions are ammunition.

My little brother and sister are unhappy again, my mother is heartbroken, and my dad is... stupid.

I've thought about what to say to my dad, and I can't figure anything out. I can't STAND the thought of confronting him about anything serious. I look at my dad as more of a friend than a parent. He and I don't usually talk about anything serious.

I tend to avoid serious talk around him because he laughed at me when I was a kid, any time I'd try to talk to him seriously. He honestly thought it was funny that I came off so straight forward, and I told him I wasn't going to lay down and take the way my step mother treated me. So, I learned not to say serious things to him. It never accomplished anything, and he made me feel like garbage.

But I feel like I have to say something to him.

I've prayed my heart out numerous times in the past couple days. I've talked to my mom, I've played out countless scenarios in my head, and STILL have no IDEA what to do.

It makes me physically sick to think about. I can't eat properly. I'm on enormous amounts of caffeine right now, and nothing else. I can't sleep either. I've been awake all night, and so far, all day.

I am LOSING MY MIND over this, and I'm sorry, but if any of you are going to tell me to "let it go" because its not my decision--I. CAN. NOT. LET. IT. GO.

I had a hand in this whole thing, and my mom, dad, brother, AND sister are all hurting and wallowing in pain right now, and I am so SICK of it. And there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.

But I know there is. I just can't FIND it.

I can't figure it out.

God, someone tell me what I need to do... any ideas. Anything, seriously. I'm trying to be a parent to both my parents, my bro and sis, and God--EVERYONE around me. Thank God for ATS, or I'd have nowhere and no one to rant to. Everyone else would take it personally.

Just like dad did. See? Emotions = weapons.

GOD, this SUCKS!

edit on 14-5-2013 by XxNightAngelusxX because: (no reason given)




posted on May, 14 2013 @ 11:16 AM
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reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX
 


Is there any chance you could all go to Family Counseling? If you get the right counselor it truly helps a ton!

I have been through a lot myself in life and I can tell you right now, your Mom and Dad should not be together, but a counselor would help them to figure that out.

The fights with your Mom are something that every teen goes through, most anyway, it is so normal as long as you don't get physical you should just realize it is a fight, nothing more, it means nothing when you are a teen.

Again counseling can bring balance...it saved my life! Many charge by how much income you have, if you get one who is no right for you go to another, you need someone you feel comfortable talking to.

Time changes everything and keep in mind "This To Will Pass".



posted on May, 14 2013 @ 11:24 AM
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I think one of the key problems here is your dads alcohol and pill abuse. In my opinion, nothing will be resolved unless your dad accepts he has a problem and gets some help.

Unless your mother and father can get over their past issues, this getting back together thing will not work and will actually be worse the second time around.

Pladuim



posted on May, 14 2013 @ 11:26 AM
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Over the years when I had no idea on how to solve a crisis I found awesome advise by calling a 24 hour crisis hotline the folks who run these are very helpful you can vent to them anytime day or night and if need be they can refer you to a professional...hang in there and give this a try. Disfunctional family issues are the worse, please dont carry your burden alone...



posted on May, 14 2013 @ 11:27 AM
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reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX
 


If somehow this could happen...I think you all (as a family) should go to a (good family counselor). From the way you and your siblings were raised... to the way your parents relate to each other...you all need (outside objective help)...and I think a (family counselor) is the way to go.

Also...you need to take better care of yourself. Get your 8 hours of sleep per night; eat good meals; get out and go for walks and get some fresh air. Also...plan some fun activities with your friends. If you do all these things...you will have a clearer head and thought process.

I do hope things get better for you and yours.



posted on May, 14 2013 @ 11:27 AM
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How old are you if I may ask?

If you are old enough to work, get on that, start saving as much as you can to get the hell away from the situation. Your parents situation is not your fault period, if they can't be adults about situations than you must be.

Once you are secure enough financially get a apt it may be tough but will be worth it, it will have the added benefit of giving your siblings a safe haven from the nonsense.

If you are not of age to work maybe find a relative that can help or take you in, grand parent, aunt, uncle, cousin.



posted on May, 14 2013 @ 11:29 AM
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reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX
 


Angel, which city do you live in?



posted on May, 14 2013 @ 11:32 AM
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I have been through a lot myself in life and I can tell you right now, your Mom and Dad should not be together, but a counselor would help them to figure that out.


Counseling isn't really an option for us. My mother and father are absolutely stellar when they're happy... and they're much better at looking past their pride than they used to be. They seem like they belong together when they don't fight. They seem like they need each other more than food or water.




I think one of the key problems here is your dads alcohol and pill abuse. In my opinion, nothing will be resolved unless your dad accepts he has a problem and gets some help.


He stopped drinking a few years ago, but he takes hydros like candy. It worries me, because my mamaw and papaw--his parents--are doing the same thing, and they are both dying. My grandmother died recently, and she was taking them too. They seem to be a family tradition. My grandmother, mamaw, papaw, and dad all have this in common--AND the fact that they all have a history of substance abuse.

My grandmother didn't even have a particular cause of death. There were so many things wrong with her body, it just shut down. This is happening very slowly to my mamaw and papaw, just like it did my grandmother, and my dad might not be far behind them. But he won't quit them. He's prescribed them, so that's his mental "okay."




Unless your mother and father can get over their past issues, this getting back together thing will not work and will actually be worse the second time around.


Yeah, you're spot on here. I can't do anything about it. Its all on them. That is a SCARY thought.



posted on May, 14 2013 @ 11:36 AM
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First of all, you are NOT responsible for your parent's actions. You are responsible for your actions, and that is all.

Your parents sound like self-indulgent children, to be honest. You shouldn't be in the situation of acting like the grown-up, but you are. So we'll roll with that.

First thing you need to do. Print out what you just wrote and give it to each parent. Let them read it. They need to know how their behavior is impacting you. Right now it sounds like they are so caught up in their own drama that they haven't thought about what its doing to their children.

When you give them the letter, you need to be ready to tell them what you want to happen. I don't mean with their relationship, that's out of your control. But you can say:

"Mom, Dad, I feel very upset when I hear you fight all the time. From now on, if you are going to argue, please do it in another room where we can't hear you."

I'm not going to pretend that doing this will be easy. In fact, its going to be damn hard and there's no telling what reaction you may get. Be prepared for more tears and judgement, but understand its not really directed at you so much as it is the situation.

Are you still in school? If so....go talk to your guidance counselor or your teacher. Let them know how you are feeling, they have resources to help you emotionally get through this.

When you feel overwhelmed, like you can't take it anymore, LEAVE. Even if you can only go to another room, or outside....do so. Then breathe. Take a slow breath in to the count of five, hold it, then let it out to the count of 8. Its important that your outbreath is longer than your inbreath. Do this for several minutes, it will help calm you down.

You need an outlet for your emotions and feelings. This can be writing, exercise, beating the hell out of your pillow, but you need something to get it out. Find what works for you, then do it. Everyday. You've got to get the anger and hurt out before you can begin to feel better. Think of it like lancing a wound...get the nasty stuff out so the wound can heal.

The road ahead of you is difficult, I won't pretend otherwise. But its time to be selfish and put yourself first. After all, you are the only person you can control.

Best of luck to you. Keep us informed, and please please please feel free to message me if you need to talk.



posted on May, 14 2013 @ 11:40 AM
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To everyone;




Over the years when I had no idea on how to solve a crisis I found awesome advise by calling a 24 hour crisis hotline the folks who run these are very helpful you can vent to them anytime day or night and if need be they can refer you to a professional...hang in there and give this a try. Disfunctional family issues are the worse, please dont carry your burden alone...


I'm afraid they might recommend medication... that's all anyone did when I was a kid. We have enough pills in the house...




I do hope things get better for you and yours.


Thanks... its not that I'm not trying to sleep. I lay there for hours and I just can't stop thinking, because things just don't get resolved. I do walk regularly, though, and it helps. The only other thing that helps is having my siblings and cousins around and taking them to the park. The kids get my mind off things for a little bit.




If you are old enough to work, get on that, start saving as much as you can to get the hell away from the situation. Your parents situation is not your fault period, if they can't be adults about situations than you must be.


I'm 19, I'm finishing school a year late because I spent the previous year in an apartment with my fiance and some room mates struggling to support the place. But we got kicked out of that place, and I'm crashing at my mamaw's for the time being, and I decided to graduate while I was in the same town as my old school. All my time is going to school work. I'm actually working on school work right now, I have a rediculous amount of school to finish in the next couple weeks. I can do it, but its taking all my time and effort. I plan to start working again once I have my diploma.

I plan on moving to Texas in about a year's time, but I want my mom and dad to be happy. Its not something I'm gonna be able to move away and forget about.




Angel, which city do you live in?


Oak Ridge, at the moment. I'm sort of living in limbo until my fiance and I can get another place to live.

That's a weird question...



posted on May, 14 2013 @ 11:43 AM
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reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX
 


Thanks, that's all I needed. I'm going to speak with my guides and send you positive energy.



posted on May, 14 2013 @ 11:46 AM
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Originally posted by smyleegrl
First of all, you are NOT responsible for your parent's actions. You are responsible for your actions, and that is all.

Your parents sound like self-indulgent children, to be honest. You shouldn't be in the situation of acting like the grown-up, but you are. So we'll roll with that.

First thing you need to do. Print out what you just wrote and give it to each parent. Let them read it. They need to know how their behavior is impacting you. Right now it sounds like they are so caught up in their own drama that they haven't thought about what its doing to their children.

When you give them the letter, you need to be ready to tell them what you want to happen. I don't mean with their relationship, that's out of your control. But you can say:

"Mom, Dad, I feel very upset when I hear you fight all the time. From now on, if you are going to argue, please do it in another room where we can't hear you."

I'm not going to pretend that doing this will be easy. In fact, its going to be damn hard and there's no telling what reaction you may get. Be prepared for more tears and judgement, but understand its not really directed at you so much as it is the situation.

Are you still in school? If so....go talk to your guidance counselor or your teacher. Let them know how you are feeling, they have resources to help you emotionally get through this.

When you feel overwhelmed, like you can't take it anymore, LEAVE. Even if you can only go to another room, or outside....do so. Then breathe. Take a slow breath in to the count of five, hold it, then let it out to the count of 8. Its important that your outbreath is longer than your inbreath. Do this for several minutes, it will help calm you down.

You need an outlet for your emotions and feelings. This can be writing, exercise, beating the hell out of your pillow, but you need something to get it out. Find what works for you, then do it. Everyday. You've got to get the anger and hurt out before you can begin to feel better. Think of it like lancing a wound...get the nasty stuff out so the wound can heal.

The road ahead of you is difficult, I won't pretend otherwise. But its time to be selfish and put yourself first. After all, you are the only person you can control.

Best of luck to you. Keep us informed, and please please please feel free to message me if you need to talk.


I can't tell them how its impacting me.

I'm watching them fall apart, to tell them that they're hurting their children would shatter whatever parts of them haven't fallen apart yet. They're doing their best for my bro and sis, but the reason its so twisted is because they're recovering from a decade of emotionally torturing one another.

It isn't me I'm worried about. I've long accepted that I can't talk to them about certain things, and I abandoned any hope of either of them ever being an example of stability a LONG time ago. Just me myself, I have detached.

But my bro and sis are like half my age, and they haven't. Its hurting them, and my mom and dad are hurting each other.

If it was me hurting, I could deal with it no problem. Its nothing.

I don't like watching them live in a whirlpool of suffering, though.

Thank you for the feedback



posted on May, 14 2013 @ 11:48 AM
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Originally posted by Luckyxfactor
reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX
 


Thanks, that's all I needed. I'm going to speak with my guides and send you positive energy.


Thank you... and maybe give God a hint? I swear, if he's sending me signs, they're bouncing off my head at every turn. I have NO CLUE right now.



posted on May, 14 2013 @ 11:49 AM
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Originally posted by XxNightAngelusxX
To everyone;




Over the years when I had no idea on how to solve a crisis I found awesome advise by calling a 24 hour crisis hotline the folks who run these are very helpful you can vent to them anytime day or night and if need be they can refer you to a professional...hang in there and give this a try. Disfunctional family issues are the worse, please dont carry your burden alone...


I'm afraid they might recommend medication... that's all anyone did when I was a kid. We have enough pills in the house...




I do hope things get better for you and yours.


Thanks... its not that I'm not trying to sleep. I lay there for hours and I just can't stop thinking, because things just don't get resolved. I do walk regularly, though, and it helps. The only other thing that helps is having my siblings and cousins around and taking them to the park. The kids get my mind off things for a little bit.




If you are old enough to work, get on that, start saving as much as you can to get the hell away from the situation. Your parents situation is not your fault period, if they can't be adults about situations than you must be.


I'm 19, I'm finishing school a year late because I spent the previous year in an apartment with my fiance and some room mates struggling to support the place. But we got kicked out of that place, and I'm crashing at my mamaw's for the time being, and I decided to graduate while I was in the same town as my old school. All my time is going to school work. I'm actually working on school work right now, I have a rediculous amount of school to finish in the next couple weeks. I can do it, but its taking all my time and effort. I plan to start working again once I have my diploma.

I plan on moving to Texas in about a year's time, but I want my mom and dad to be happy. Its not something I'm gonna be able to move away and forget about.




Angel, which city do you live in?


Oak Ridge, at the moment. I'm sort of living in limbo until my fiance and I can get another place to live.

That's a weird question...


Okay first thing forget the rest, get yourself into counseling .

That's the first step, you need to understand your upbringing and parental situation will be baggage you carry for the rest of your life.

What your parents are doing to you and your siblings is abuse the same as if they beat you, you will carry these scars emotionally with you forever if not addressed.

Just from reading your post I can tell the damage is already done, you need to be in a better place emotionally before you can even begin to help others.

My wife was raised in a chaotic home, the best thing she did was get away as fast as she could, even now 12 years later she is still dealing with the emotional damage her parents caused her.

Please take care of yourself, my hopes and prayers are with you.



posted on May, 14 2013 @ 11:59 AM
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reply to post by benrl
 


Thank you so much for your caring feedback, but I mean this in the least insensitive or immature way possible. I honestly don't care about myself.

I personally believe I am beyond repair, for a lot of reasons I don't care to post.

But the fact that my mother and father are still naive enough to try trusting one another again after so many years of hell tells me that they're less damaged than I am, because I'm incapable of trust past a certain extent. Its good that they're child-like. That makes them easier to save.

And I don't want my brother and sister feeling the way I do when they're older. I'm probrably the worst role model they could have, because my motto is "I don't care." My sister mimicks literally EVERYTHING about me. Its annoying. And it worries me. I don't want her to be anything like me. That's why I'm HOPING mom and dad with get their heads out of their asses, and step up and be the role models instead of me being landed in that position.



posted on May, 14 2013 @ 12:06 PM
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reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX
 


You are not beyond repair. I was raised in a home similar to yours in many ways. I sought counselling, found support and walked the walk all others recommended. I finally felt fine when I cut contact, which was the right decision for me. Two years later and 40 years old, I can sincerely say for the first time that I no longer feel tainted and scarred - just relieved to have found some peace. Try different remedies. You'll know when you've found the right one for yourself.



posted on May, 14 2013 @ 12:07 PM
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reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX
 


Angel, I honestly believe your parents are more damaged than you think. They are so emotionally unstable,yet continue to be together. An individual who is mentally and spiritually healthy would--in a heartbeat--start a new path and not continue living a stressful life.

Both my parents are unstable as well and neither one of them has taken charge of their life. They continue to live the same routine where much negativity exists. As a member posted, the great thing is that you can take charge of your life.

Many of us are rooting for you. Make the impossible possible for yourself.
edit on 14-5-2013 by Luckyxfactor because: .



posted on May, 14 2013 @ 12:10 PM
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Originally posted by XxNightAngelusxX
reply to post by benrl
 


Thank you so much for your caring feedback, but I mean this in the least insensitive or immature way possible. I honestly don't care about myself.

I personally believe I am beyond repair, for a lot of reasons I don't care to post.

But the fact that my mother and father are still naive enough to try trusting one another again after so many years of hell tells me that they're less damaged than I am, because I'm incapable of trust past a certain extent. Its good that they're child-like. That makes them easier to save.

And I don't want my brother and sister feeling the way I do when they're older. I'm probrably the worst role model they could have, because my motto is "I don't care." My sister mimicks literally EVERYTHING about me. Its annoying. And it worries me. I don't want her to be anything like me. That's why I'm HOPING mom and dad with get their heads out of their asses, and step up and be the role models instead of me being landed in that position.


Again that's all part of the damage they have already cause, your 19, you have no idea what the future holds. If you don't care about yourself that's even better, than there's no ego to get in the way, if your already a lost cause than what harm is there I trying to seek help, worst case your in the same boat, best case you get better.

You have no hope of helping the situation for your siblings unless you get to a better place.



posted on May, 14 2013 @ 12:16 PM
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Seemes to me like you were brought up with tough love...Well...Time for you to use their way against them...Use tough love..Tell them exactly how it al makes you feel, tell them that if they truely love each other that they will be willing to seek professional help. You seem like a level headed person, you are going to school and want to graduate, keep that goal, that's important most of all...What ever your parents decide is out of your hands but the one thing you can do is confront them both at the same time on the issues at hand.

It worked for me...Well...They did devorce but...it set the record straight once and for all.



posted on May, 14 2013 @ 12:19 PM
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Originally posted by benrl

Again that's all part of the damage they have already cause, your 19, you have no idea what the future holds. If you don't care about yourself that's even better, than there's no ego to get in the way, if your already a lost cause than what harm is there I trying to seek help, worst case your in the same boat, best case you get better.

You have no hope of helping the situation for your siblings unless you get to a better place.


I agree with Benrl, as weird as it sounds, you should get yourself to a healthier environment. You'll be able to help your parents easier if you have a different perspective. In the meantime, breathe. It's okay. Your parents are adults, they should be able to make their own decisions and take responsibility for them themselves. You'll be okay :-)

If you want to improve your situation, be a good role model :-) I'm sure you can do it.

I admire your ability to care so much - but I think you are being too hard on yourself for other's flaws.

If you can detach yourself from the situation you might be able to give less biased advice, too :-)

Good luck.





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