I really apologize for posting two self-indulgent threads in one day, ATS. I feel like a crybaby.
But I have a serious problem. I'm not expecting everyone to understand it completely, cause hell... I don't understand it completely. But objectivity
is what someone stuck in the middle of a problem lacks, and that's what I'm looking for here. Objective perspectives.
My mom and dad have been divorced for ten years. It ruined all of our lives, exposed us to an abusive step mother, broke mom's heart, turned dad into
#1st an alcoholic, then #2nd into a pill head. After he divorced the step monster a few months ago, miraculously, he gets back together with my
mother, which is nothing short of a miracle. The amount of hatred they've expressed for one another over the past decade is astonishing.
So, dad moved into mom's apartment, and they lived fine for a few months.
Now, here we are.
They've both been fighting like crazy lately.
Now listen--I have a bit of a history with both of them. When I was little, I used to get into screaming matches and sometimes physical fights (which
was really more of a restraint most of the time, because I was little). He was a tyrant of a father. He wasn't too bad, but he was bad enough to make
me feel like a failure all the time.
Then, when I moved in with my mother at the start of high school, at first, all was well... then, she and I began to fight too. She'd hear me say
something, then instantly get angry at me and yell at me because I sounded "just like my father." She made me feel bad for a lot of senseless things.
She didn't mean to, but she's a generally very bitter person when she's not in a good mood. She's been hurt a lot.
And, since I lived with her, I got to take all of it.
It got to the point where she and I got into physical confrontations a few times.
And lately, she and I fought a few times a few weeks ago, and I made the mistake of venting to my father about it. I know better than to open up to
either one of them, because emotions are ammunition in my family. You keep them to yourself, or they come back to haunt you.
He--for the first time in my life--agreed with me, saying he feels the same way. Like he's "walking on eggshells" around her.
Then, he goes and tells her that he's not sure if he wants to be with her.
So... my mother is falling apart, crying, and I feel like complete TRASH because I caused this. I know I didn't force him to make that decision, but I
egged him on.
See? Emotions are ammunition.
My little brother and sister are unhappy again, my mother is heartbroken, and my dad is... stupid.
I've thought about what to say to my dad, and I can't figure anything out. I can't STAND the thought of confronting him about anything serious. I look
at my dad as more of a friend than a parent. He and I don't usually talk about anything serious.
I tend to avoid serious talk around him because he laughed at me when I was a kid, any time I'd try to talk to him seriously. He honestly thought it
was funny that I came off so straight forward, and I told him I wasn't going to lay down and take the way my step mother treated me. So, I learned not
to say serious things to him. It never accomplished anything, and he made me feel like garbage.
But I feel like I have to say something to him.
I've prayed my heart out numerous times in the past couple days. I've talked to my mom, I've played out countless scenarios in my head, and STILL have
no IDEA what to do.
It makes me physically sick to think about. I can't eat properly. I'm on enormous amounts of caffeine right now, and nothing else. I can't sleep
either. I've been awake all night, and so far, all day.
I am LOSING MY MIND over this, and I'm sorry, but if any of you are going to tell me to "let it go" because its not my decision--I. CAN. NOT. LET. IT.
I had a hand in this whole thing, and my mom, dad, brother, AND sister are all hurting and wallowing in pain right now, and I am so SICK of it. And
there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.
But I know there is. I just can't FIND it.
I can't figure it out.
God, someone tell me what I need to do... any ideas. Anything, seriously. I'm trying to be a parent to both my parents, my bro and sis, and
God--EVERYONE around me. Thank God for ATS, or I'd have nowhere and no one to rant to. Everyone else would take it personally.
Just like dad did. See? Emotions = weapons.
GOD, this SUCKS!
edit on 14-5-2013 by XxNightAngelusxX because: (no reason given)