Feeling evil

Feel free to move if posted incorrectly.

I don't know why, but since I was a kid I have always had the feeling that I was an evil being.
And that while I never did something 'evil'.
Of course I stole candy once when I was a kid but I never did anything that is truly evil.
I never hurt animals or people on purpose, I always treat others as I like to be treated myself.
I never fought, killed or did anything else which would've made my soul evil.
Still I can't shake the feeling that I am pure evil and that I'm sent here to do drastic and evil things.
I know this sounds as a god complex but please try to keep an open mind.

As a child people called me the devils kid for fun cause they said I had an evil glare in my eye when I was angry, This has always hurt me, because deep inside I felt evil and this was only affirming it. I think all I want to hear is that I'm not evil and I'm just another human being,
The last couple of years I did a lot of selfreflecting and exploring and this is the only thing about myself that I cannot change.
The evil feeling is there to stay and it drives me crazy that I can't explain it.
I had this feeling since I can remember and just want to know if there are more people out there like me.
I can't be the only one out there who feels like they are truly evil without a trace of evilness in them.
So please, don't hold back and share your experiences.

reply to post by Duckling


What, may I ask, are you using as a comparison to call yourself evil. Surely not what some people called you in jest, as a a child. Could this merely be a form of wishful thinking on your part?

Des

reply to post by Destinyone


I don't know how to explain it but it is like I just know it to be true. I don't think it is wishful thinking because I don't like this part of me. I don't want to be special, I want to be ordinary, 'normal' you may say.

Are you experiencing religious, cultural or Freudian guilt because you are different than those around you want you to be? Who is it you really want to be? Who is it that those around you want to be?

Could it come from this?

There are many different ways of life in this country. and in the world. I would recommend traveling or hanging out with people of all kinds of backgrounds in order to see the diversity in the world and become more comfortable with yourself. Immerse yourself in different cultures in order to see that they are truly those - cultures, not Truth.

In the end, being comfortable with being yourself and expressing yourself is going to be very important for your happiness.

reply to post by Duckling


You're not evil. If you are alive and occupying a flesh body then you can not be truly evil. You can be influenced by evil and you can let your thoughts turn dark, but you are not evil. Even serial killers are not evil, they are sick and also influenced by dark forces in many instances. It is likely that people calling you the devil's child when you were a kid just stuck with you and made a lasting impression. I don't know what to tell you to get rid of that self image, but it has to come from within you. I guess it will help for others to reaffirm it also. So here - you are NOT evil.

Originally posted by Duckling
Feel free to move if posted incorrectly.

I don't know why, but since I was a kid I have always had the feeling that I was an evil being.
And that while I never did something 'evil'.
Of course I stole candy once when I was a kid but I never did anything that is truly evil.
I never hurt animals or people on purpose, I always treat others as I like to be treated myself.
I never fought, killed or did anything else which would've made my soul evil.
Still I can't shake the feeling that I am pure evil and that I'm sent here to do drastic and evil things.
I know this sounds as a god complex but please try to keep an open mind.

As a child people called me the devils kid for fun cause they said I had an evil glare in my eye when I was angry, This has always hurt me, because deep inside I felt evil and this was only affirming it. I think all I want to hear is that I'm not evil and I'm just another human being,
The last couple of years I did a lot of selfreflecting and exploring and this is the only thing about myself that I cannot change.
The evil feeling is there to stay and it drives me crazy that I can't explain it.
I had this feeling since I can remember and just want to know if there are more people out there like me.
I can't be the only one out there who feels like they are truly evil without a trace of evilness in them.
So please, don't hold back and share your experiences.

Quick question. Were you raised in a religious family?

reply to post by smyleegrl


Good job, Smyleegirl.

reply to post by smyleegrl


Can't imagine any 'religious' family calling a young one among them a 'devil's child'. Maybe a Satanist family...lol.

Originally posted by wtbengineer
reply to post by smyleegrl

 

Can't imagine any 'religious' family calling a young one among them a 'devil's child'. Maybe a Satanist family...lol.

Oh, it happens.

My best friend was raised in a fundamentalist Christian family (so was I, but my family didn't do this). Her family believed they needed to scare the evil out of everyone. They kept focusing on how everyone is evil and unworthy of god's love and damned to hell.

Sadly, it's a common scare tactic in religion. The psychological damage can be profound.

Inner convictions are a part of many of us. It is part of who we are. You should pay attention to this feeling, it is sort of like a conscience. The best way is to learn what evil really is, don't take the interpretation of other people who want to control you. If you incorporate honesty and truthfulness into your desire than it is easy to satisfy yourself. Respecting the people who deserve respect is necessary. Some people think they deserve respect but they think they deserve it because of their credentials and what they perceive as desirable traits within the society that we live in. This is not always the case in reality.

Examine what is really needed to be a good person. Don't desire what you do not need, this makes life very easy. I know that avoiding the consumerism philosophy accepted by our society makes it hard to acquire perception of wealth but it also keeps us from falling into debt. Seems as you climb the social ladder expectations also increase on us and we wind up broke all the time anyway, sometimes way over our heads. Most people that look wealthy are close to being broke if even a little misfortune happens.

So what is really evil anyway? Lying for personal gain whether for social or monetary gain is not good. Conning someone out of what they worked hard for is not good. Letting your excessive wants contribute to the destruction of the environment is not good. killing others or causing them pain is not good. Contributing excessively to the destruction to animals and nature because your wants exceed your needs is not good. Cheating on your spouse or one who has learned to trust in you is not good. Abandoning your family and friends if they are good for personal gain is not good.

I give thanks to mother nature when I eat, knowing something had to die for me to live. God makes life possible but mother nature provides for us. That makes me feel better anyway and if I feel better it seems to make me feel more peaceful. Not doing so is not evil though.

Many of the things I said above are not considered bad by our society, people do this stuff every day and do not feel evil or even that they have done anything wrong. Our ability to slyly deceive others is looked at as a positive trait nowadays by a majority of the people in this society. Little white lies are being repeated everywhere without even being investigated by anyone. This is society now.

So what is evil anyway? It is a perception. I think the fact that you have that conscience of yours is a good thing, it keeps you from becoming evil. It is the good in you trying to keep you on the right path. Don't ignore it but don't let it convict you of crimes that are not real either. Don't do things that you know are wrong. Don't do things that you know are wrong just because others are doing them and getting away with it, that is also a slippery slope leading you down the wrong path. Don't convict yourself over things that are not really wrong either. Having sex with a person without being married is not bad, as long as it is consensual and does not result in disease or hurt someone else, don't interfere with others marriages. Don't let financial gain steer your love, real love is a feeling between two living beings, not between a person and money.

So now that I have really said nothing relative to answering the thread, I will say.....you must examine your self and get confidence in your ability to be good. Inner peace gives a person confidence that is real.

reply to post by smyleegrl


I am not religious, I don't deny it but I am the kind of person that needs proof before I can fully believe something. My parents also aren't religious and raised me to have an open mind. I was raised believing I could become and do anything I wanted to.

reply to post by Duckling

'Evil' probably isn't quite what you think it is. There are hints from other posters. I say embrace your inner 'evil'. Explore it and express it and be alive. You know you want to!

Originally posted by Duckling
reply to post by smyleegrl

 

I am not religious, I don't deny it but I am the kind of person that needs proof before I can fully believe something. My parents also aren't religious and raised me to have an open mind. I was raised believing I could become and do anything I wanted to.

Okay, so no history of being told your evil.

No history of you behaving in an evil manner (hurting others, etc).

I don't know why you have this feeling, and I won't negate it with simple platitudes. You feel it, therefore it is real.

What do you consider to be "good"? Have you done "good" and still feel this way?

You're not evil,

You're just resonating on the lowest Chakras in your body. (lolz, am i seriously talking about Chakras, i hardly know # about them..)

What I have noticed is,THEYRE VERY REAL, theyre the bundled up nerve centers of your body.

When you're down, or really depressed, or really anxious, you resonate on the lower systems supposedly, and, while there, you can only really think about things on that low level; selfish things, self-criticism, etc.

You're telling yourself that your evil in your own mind, which has been reinforced by people who you thought highly of while growing up also saying this. For instance, when i was a kid, everyone told me I'd be a liar like my Father was. Until I grew out of it and found God, I was basically a straight-up liar. Self-fulfilling prophecy.

The things you think, subconciously, have a way of coming out, whether you notice or realize it or not.

My advice would be to RENEW YOUR MIND, which can take some time and dedication, but, the thoughts youve been thinking are most likely reinforcing this messed up feeling within you.

If people around you call you HOLY, not evil, all the time, after a couple of weeks, you'd be feeling Godly.
^--example

reply to post by smyleegrl


I don't think I did something really 'good', I mean I didn't go to africa to fight worldhunger or end wars. But I think I am generally living a 'good' live. In some way I always believed in karma, so I always try to help strangers who need help and be there for friends who are having a hard time. If there was a meter for good and evil I think my life would scale to the good side, that is one of the main reasons the feeling confuses me. Cause when I'm thinking logically, I am a good person so then why do I feel the opposite? It is like my instincts are deceiving me.

Originally posted by Duckling
reply to post by smyleegrl

 

I don't think I did something really 'good', I mean I didn't go to africa to fight worldhunger or end wars.

If fighting world hunger and ending wars is your definition of good, maybe there is your problem.

What I mean is, those tasks are impossible for one individual to accomplish. So perhaps, instead of thinking good has to be so monumental, you could change your perspective and recognize that good can be done on a smaller scale.

Here's what I would suggest. Volunteer at a homeless shelter, hospital, public school, or something similar. You'll soon realize the impact even the smallest actions can have on someone's life. By giving selflessly, you'll be blessed beyond measure. It can literally transform how you view yourself and the world.

Good luck, if you ever need to talk just message me.

reply to post by smyleegrl


Thank you so much for your reaction. Not only you but also the rest of the posters of course.
I was kind of scared to open up and put this out, was really affraid that people were gonna judge me but I'm really amazed by how nice and sincere all of the reactions were.
I feel listened to and accepted, I want to thank you all for that.
Of course I'm not done with selfreflecting but the insights I got here were really helpful.

Thank you!

reply to post by Duckling


You sound like the child of a very accomplished narcissist. Is there any chance that, as you grew up, you received a very strong message from caregivers that your purpose was in serving them, and that when you did not serve well, love was withheld from you?

reply to post by Duckling


Hi Duckling,

Everyone - and I do mean everyone - has those mean little judgmental thoughts that come in our head as we experience and garner in more information. These negative reactions and thoughts do NOT make you evil.

Want to know why?

You don't act on them. You recognize those thoughts while there still on your head and say - "Hey, wait a minute - that's a nasty, evil, mean thought. It's just not right". Being that you do the necessary reasoning in your mind to neutralize those thoughts and not act on them (by action or actually stating something not nice) - your doing your work correctly. You are not evil.

Now when those evil tendencies overwhelm you - where you start acting on those thoughts - then you'd have a condition and might want to consider professional assistance for. But to me, in reading your OP, I honestly felt, your mistaking the normal human condition - which is hard work - and fearing others do not struggle as you do. I telling you they do, we all do, struggle with negative thinking. So long as you still recognize negative thinking and still do the work to change that - your okay. If you ever get to that point - where your negative thinking turns into actual words or deeds that cause others harm - that is when you need to seek help - before you get the predators taste of feeling pleasure at others pain.

I hope this helps.

Blessings,
Cirque

Originally posted by jheherrin
reply to post by Duckling

 

'Evil' probably isn't quite what you think it is. There are hints from other posters. I say embrace your inner 'evil'. Explore it and express it and be alive. You know you want to!

This reminds me of the song "being alive" sung by Mr. Hyde in Jeckyl and Hyde.

There are answers to Ducklings questions, but now is not the time to address them fully.

What is appropriate to share is this:

You are human, and as such you possess the creative ability for both good and evil; but to label one or the other is subjective to the individual and personel to each mind on Earth. Influences, from a myriad of sources (physical and spiritual) can guide such creative abilities in life. But the journey of determining your definitions of what is good and evil for you is a process that takes a lifetime to conclude, all for a great purpose in life.

Knowing your personal definitions is to become self aware; no label can cover this process finitely

God Bless,