(Let me start off with the overused confession: I have been lurking this site since I was an awkward 14-year old, and its followed me into my early
twenties now. (PS: Akragon, if I give you my cat Agent, will it still be necessary to kiss that... "cat"?
I am a new bottle of wine to be shaped by the future.
In smaller terms, I'm a strapping, young soon-to-be 21-year-old with hopes for the future that will probably never become reality. But that may be
just a symptom of my youth. When I confess that my hope is to become a farm owner who is completely self-sufficient and off the grid, people tell me
to get some real dreams and get back to work. They are right: I don't understand how much work it will be to own my own farm and to earn a living off
of the land. Every day the governments of the world tighten the nooses around our necks. But if it is still possible to do that by the time I'm wise
enough to raise animals, I intend to prove to the world that there is some hope still to be found. "Fight the good fight," as it were.
I still can't seem to decide what "the good fight" actually is, though. I haven't exactly done my best over the years to cultivate intelligent
thoughts that were entirely my own. My parents have always been poor, and I was never able to attend any "high end" schools. Public school was the
route I took in my early years - and I flew through it with terrible ease. I was always astonished when I was the only one genuinely interested in
subject matter, and saddened when my quest for more knowledge was plucked from the stem in its earliest spring by so many frivolous things:
standardized testing, the lack of encouragement, and the punishments for failure to succeed. Inquisitive minds are shut down early.
I listened to the rabble while not truly taking any side and believing both to be flawed. My ten-year-old mind called for war in the wake of 9/11 (the
event which ultimately served to wake me from the state of slumber much of the people reside in). And I have since been thankful I was not older, and
did not have the power to put such immature, fear-driven desires out into the world. I have some dreadful news: I may be young, but I am not stupid. I
may not challenge myself like I should, but I have not buried the questions that keep asking themselves. I have only silenced them. For one so young
to already be so tired of hearing, "That's just the way it is," in reference to all the world's wrongs - is that normal? Is it, "socially acceptable?"
I decided to join because my neutral attitude has taken a turn for the worse. Something in me wants to go out and scream at the world to wake up and
do something, and something else wants to run away and shut it all out, to live in a similar manner to a hermit in the quest to just make peace with
the world as it is. Neither side is really helping, and both paths lead ultimately to ruin. My quest is simply to love myself and the world exactly
the same. At this moment, I am not happy with either. I seek to grow myself, to age and mature like the bottles of wine stored deep within an ancient
cellar until such time that I can positively impact the world.
To simplify that statement, my current motto is this: "Change yourself before you can change the world." Start with yourself, and watch the world
ripple and react to your choices. But I want to make the right choices, and I am at the point now where I am frozen. I can't decide what to do. I
can't decide whether to love the world or hate it all, whether to sing or to scream and I keep hoping and praying to whatever gods there are to
embrace my quest for wisdom and just show me the way - but we all know it doesn't work like that.
I am a bottle of wine mere seconds before its flavor becomes developed. I don't want to become bitter, like my parents. My flavor will not be one of
despair, but if it is my choice should become like the finest champagne to be shared eagerly with the rest of the world as a medicine for dejection.
And I guess I am merely hoping to prune back some of the weeds creeping in my thoughts through some active discussion. Maybe meet some like-minded
folks, or at least some folks who are not afraid to tell me why I am wrong, wrong, wrong.
So... Awkward hello, ATS.
edit on 4/29/2013 by moonskii because: pic?
edit on 4/29/2013 by moonskii because: embarassing n00b problems.