posted on Apr, 29 2013 @ 07:52 PM
Randy, I admire and actually envy your faith and I appreciate your desire to give people hope and comfort. And if the beliefs you hold accomplish
that, then I am all for it.
Sadly, faith is not a switch I can flip and simply choose to have. Over the course of the last few days I've had no less than five people tell me,
"Just choose to believe." But therein lies the problem. It isn't a choice. If it were a choice, then the majority of my life I've spent
struggling, longing, praying, meditating, pleading, and reaching both out and in through myriad forms, would be sufficient for me to find faith.
I could not possibly try harder than I have to find faith in something. I've done, quite literally, everything I can to reach out to a deity or
higher power or greater purpose if one exists and beseech it to help instill faith in whatever truth or meaning there may be in this existence, in me.
I have most definitely chosen to TRY to find faith. And yet I still lack faith, and am still full of nothing but doubt and skepticism.
I'm agnostic. I am not closed to the possibility of a deity or the concepts held by the religious, but I am not capable of simply "believing." I
want to believe in something. I want to know in my heart that existence has a meaning and a purpose. That we are loved by something greater than we
can comprehend. That all of this is happening for a reason. But I can't simply will myself to do that. People tell me I am a doubting Thomas. But
even Thomas got to touch his Lord and prove to himself that he was standing before him, so I'm a fair sight less than that even. And no, it does not
appear self evident to me that my very existence requires or reveals the existence of a creator, because other possibilities exist which could readily
account for this.
I love everyone and hold compassion for everyone. I try my utmost to treat others the way I would want to be treated, and to act with empathy and
kindness. I have no criminal or misdemeanor record. I want peace and happiness for all. But that is the extent of my beliefs. If trying to live that
way, but not being able to embrace belief as you have defined it means I will not be "saved," then I guess I won't be. But I have to ask...
is that fair? Do I deserve to perish in spirit (if a spirit or soul exists that is,) or worse yet, suffer for eternity because I sought and never
found? Because I knocked, and it wasn't opened to me? Or if it was, I could not see it? Despite earnestly and genuinely trying for most of my
The irony is that everything I just said - literally every word of it - applies equally to those who tell me I don't believe in alien visitation
because I "don't want to believe" or "choose not to believe." When nothing could be further from the truth. I want to believe in something,
anything, more than anything else in my life. I just haven't been able to, because at the end of the day nothing about reality as I am capable of
perceiving it requires these things to be true in order for the observable reality around me and as observed by others to function.
Possible? Yes. Open to it? Absolutely. Want to believe it? God, yes. (No pun intended.) Able to dismiss all other possibilities and theories to simply
"choose" to believe? No. I can't do it.
I love everyone. And if a God or gods exist, I love him/her/it, too. But I cannot simply decide to believe without some compelling reason to do so. I
can engage in belief for the purpose of experiencing it. (Which is akin to make believe when I really get down to it.) But I can't embrace it as real
or accept it as truth. It is not for lack of trying. Believe me (again, no pun intended.)