Ugh...I feel stuck in the middle. I want to just SCREAM!!!

Wow Nat!!!

I must be bi-located and living simultaneous lives. Your story NEARLY MIRRORS mine!!!
It sucks being locked into a cell by multiple walls of division. OTHER's divisive ways!

Hang in there, abide. Eventually they will all go their own ways and "the old ones" won't be around forever.

Originally posted by McScrad
reply to post by McScrad

 

Im just one man.. I need support. Im asking someone on this forum to create a topic for me so I can spread my message.

It only takes 20 replies until you can post a topic of your own. Maybe linger around for a bit, reply to some topics... and believe it or not, giving the threads feedback is pretty theraputic.

What is it you're wanting to post a topic about?

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Also, I wanted to add to the OP. I saw someone already say that you have to ignore the phone for a while. I've done that before, and it works. For a while.

Its very soothing. From a psychological approach, ignoring stressful calls is assurance that you don't HAVE to be tied to the people that stress you out. It assures you that you CHOOSE to talk to these people, when YOU decide fit, and not when THEY want to stress you out. Just that simple little change can impact the way you handle the stress at a later point greatly.

Just don't get to carried away and try to cut everyone out like I did. Not unless they're REALLY handicapping your life.

One more thing, but don't ignore them too much. Find a balance. My grandmother died recently, and I regret not visiting her every time I had the chance to. Her last year of life was during my "I hate everyone in my family, I'm never talking to them again" phase. It was a huge blow to me when she died.

I'm glad I visited her beforehand, at least once. She died the day after I left her house.

But during that year, I had a LOT of opportunities to see her, and I chose not to.

So... my advice, I guess, is to take the stress in doses, but don't overdose on ignorance like I did.

You do NOT want to have unresolved issues in your life. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed for you OR her.

God bless.

reply to post by natalia


This moment of Serenity brought to you by the coalition for setting stronger boundaries.....



Nat, be kind to yourself. You need to extricate yourself from the drama your G'ma dumps on you daily. You've received some excellent suggestions already. Tell her..."I'm sorry you feel this way, but it's your problem...not mine.".

You can't change the way she feels, but you can tell her...it's NOT your problem.

((((((((((Nat))))))))))

Des

reply to post by Destinyone


That is just... the CUTEST THING EVER.

**steals kitties** .... **runs away**



EDIT; also, COMPLETELY unrelated note, I had two kitties a few months ago who loved each other like brothers. They played, ate, and slept together... and I have a picture of them sleeping with one another, wrapped around each other perfectly like Yin and Yang. Don't have the pic on ATS right now, or I'd share it.

That's what these heart kitties reminded me of. Adorableness.

reply to post by natalia


Sounds like you need to say this to your Grandma and your Dad.

If she is constantly backbiting him and it is hurtful to you, let her know that her negativity is not helping.

Everybody screws up from time to time, but if your dad is a total screw up then he probably always will be. He is grown. You are not responsible for any other adult, family or not. You cannot make decisions for them. (Unless you have power of attorney.)

Sometimes having family does more harm than good. Sometimes you just gotta walk away for 6 months or year. Give her the silent treatment, but explain why beforehand. How many times has your grandmother told you: "if you haven't anything nice to say, don't say anything"? Tell her to live by her own advice.

Maybe she is going senile? They tend to get mean as rattlesnakes just before being diagnosed with Alzheimer's. All the fake sentiment goes out the window. Perhaps she has always felt this way and is now able to voice those opinions to you instead of your mom.

If you feel stuck in the middle then remove yourself from the situation. Let them work it out or leave it alone.

eta: you can always give them an ultimatum. If they cannot behave like civilized adults around each other or concerning each other then they will no longer be able to participate in your family. For example, they should have a sit-down before either of them is allowed to visit your child. No birthdays, no sunday dinner, no christmas. If they want a dysfunctional family then let see how bad it can get.

I really appreciate all the comments and advice and the hugs and love.

I honestly did not expect anyone to reply..

I talked to my grandma today. I know shes hurting. She is bull headed but does have a heart. She just blames my dad for my moms death.
I can tell everyone that my mom died from liver failure. She was an alcoholic who abused pills. I helped her withdrawl from pills twice, and right when I was gonna help her wean off alcohol, it was too late. My dad did continue drink, and he still drinks the same drink that lead to the demise of my mother. Yes my sister has to live in that, hes functioning in all, its just my little sister does not understand why he would continue to drink after seeing my mom lay up in the hospital for 40 days with tubes and and trache in her throat.

I have talked to him before about the alcohol, but I can't get through to him. I know that an alcoholic has to take the first step.

I got to tell my mammy today that I can't do everything. She said she knows...but I still need to be a mosquito in my dads ear. I can't make him listen to me, I will try and say what she wants me to. I am just so passive, and I hate confrontation. Thats why I write. I can tell someone how I really feel through a letter better than my voice.

Also, I suggested that we all sit down and have a talk and tell how we really feel, but my mammy said that wouldn't work at all...ever. So anyway, me and my mammy are okay. I ignored her negativity, and I really do need to accept thats how she is. I can't let it bring me down, I am stronger than I think. I feel I ranted for wrong reasons, and I almost wish I hadn't, but I did and got really nice advice and it is appreciated.

Thanks again everyone
~nat

reply to post by natalia


Take a vacation. Come back revitalized. Doesn't matter if you sit around thinking of your probs during said vacation. What's important is to put some distance for some time.

You could do what I do when people start talking negatively about my family, I will usually say something that makes them think I really don't care like "Mmmm yeah, I'm not sure about that!" (when they mention something someone has done) people like your Grandmother feeds off making people as miserable as they are, if you distance them from your feelings it won't allow themselves to be empowered by your being miserable (which if I might say so, I believe she is doing it for that very reason)
She sounds like my ex-wife who NEVER fails to tell me how awful my family is, even our daughter, but she has gotten the 'cold answers' like I mentioned above so much she no longer tries to use it against me.
I think if your grandmother felt her remarks weren't having any effect on you I think she might stop.
You may even want to say something like I do like "Can't we talk about this later, I have had a bad day and was trying to relax, etc. etc"
Best of luck to you and God bless you, I know you are a kind sincere person or you wouldn't be bothered, a person can only carry so much burden, please try to lighten that load and start thinking of making yourself happy!
Best of luck!

Join the military. You will learn to have three, and only three emotional phases.

This is bullshiit.
# it
# you

Grow a back bone, please.

Tell your sister, you love her, but don't have all the answers, you're not made of money, and you're tired.

Tell your grandma, you love her, but you also love your father, and the things she says about him hurts your feelings, and it's hard for you to listen too.

Tell your dad that you love him, but he needs to take control of his life, that you look to him for inspiration, and he is overwhelming you.

-----
Where's your husband during this? ( assuming ). You need to tell him to step up and give you a shoulder to lean on. To answer the phone for you and say your busy at the moment, regardless of who it is.

However, if you can't keep yourself in order, you can't help keep others in order, efficiently. Worry about you first. Wasn't in the mood to speak to your grandmother? Wasn't in the mood to counsel your dad? Wasn't in the mood to give your sister any money? Relax, keep calm, and carry on. They'll get over it.

I'm the authoritative type, though, I'll let you know in a heartbeat, respectfully, that I'm getting annoyed. You should as well.

-------

I would give you a more specific example on how I deal with all this mess, but, if you aren't Christian, it might turn you off.

We all have our sad stories. Your story sounds sad, if I were your husband, i might give you a hug or a pat on the back or something.

However, lets face it, sad story or not, you aren't handling this the best way. How do you handle it? You don't. What is this idiocy I speak? Stop trying to " handle " the situation, but steer it. You get my drift? direct your grandmothers thoughts, your sisters actions, and your fathers woes by speaking positively, empowering them, encouraging, chastising them lovingly.

Stop worrying about them, and start loving. Send me a PM if you need more specifics, I'll give you tips on how to be a leader and control the atmosphere around you.

I have had the same feeling with my parents and my wife's also.....all four are long gone and dearly missed.
However it was stress city to say it politely, I can relate but I cannot offer you advice as every situation has different things happening all at once.

Wishing you the best......please remember that you count too.

Regards, Iwinder

I see an oppurtunity for us to be able to conduct a little experiment. I think that all of the ATS members that have a degree of faith/belief in the ability of the human mind to manipulate energy on a quantum level should unite together in a concerted effort to bring about a positive change in the life of Natalia's father.

As i read about her situation I began to have great compassion for her and her family.....compassion is something that we must foster within ourselves. When we feel compassion we must utilize it's energy to bring about positive results in the lives of those that it is kindled toward.

I would also like to share my gut feeling on what may be happening with her father.. It may very well be that part of the reason he drinks is because it is a way to show faithfulness to his departed wife. He may feel guilty for not having been a better husband to his wife and for not being able to help deliver her from her addictions. If such is the case it could very well be that his own addiction is being supported by a sense of martyrdom....a way for him to enter into the same suffering that he watched his wife go through.....and therefore a way to help alleviate his guilty conscience.

My suggestion is that those of us who feel compassion toward Natalia and her father need to focus our energies for a period of time each day until the desired result is obtained. I feel that each one of us needs to fully accept Natalia's father and fully take responsibility with him for any short comings that may exist in his life. As a fellow human being he is one with us on a quantum level and we must use our united effort to bring about healing. This healing will not be for him alone but it will be for "US".....for we "MUST" own the failures of "ALL" of us....we are one.

I think it would be good for Natalia to tell us her father's name so that we can feel more connected to him. I would also like all of the ATS members that read this to do what they can to keep this thread alive and at the forefront so that we can garner the neccessary energy to accomplish our objective. Realize that our positive intents and actions will set into motion opposing forces as this is the law of the universe...but know also that LOVE overcomes ALL enemies and our victory is assured. The more of us that unite together the more quickly and profoundly the results shall be realized. I will starting now.... send forth my energies of compassion to entreat the powers of the universe to bring about healing and a healthy and positive attitude within her father. That he would be caused to know that the best way to honor his deceased wife would be for him to be the best father and grandfather and son and son-in law that he can be. For his eyes to be opened to see things in a new light. For him to be brought to a turning point where his aching soul would find rest and fulfilment and where a deep and fervent love for his daughter and his grandchild and all others will be born in his heart. We must also intend through the voice of command that the negative forces ( Know that they mock us as we stand powerless when all power has been given to us) that have helped bind him thus far would themselves be bound and removed from his presence.

I now entreat all those of like understanding to unite with me in this endeavour and may it be the beginning of a path of healing for Natalia's father and all of humanity.

Harry

Just a couple thoughts:

Tell her what she is doing to you. You love your dad and don't want to hear her constant put downs. Tell her this is making you miserable and tell her to call once a week/month/year or whatever you are feeling. She is using you to vent her anger and making you the complaint department. Tell her you will only talk to her if the conversation doesn't involve your dad. If she starts talking about him, say "your talking about my father again." then just hang up.

Just saying this as she probably has no idea what crap she is putting you through or she doesn't care.

If she keeps calling tell her you can't talk or don't pick if you know it's her calling. Suggest she get a therapist to help her deal with her issues. She'll love that and might quit calling altogether.

Protect yourself. Your family needs you healthy and happy.

Wishing you the best.

If you want, tell her you shared this with a therapist and these are her recommendations.

As for the other issues with sister and father. Consider suggesting to them that they talk to each other. I don't know their relationship with each other so this may not be the right thing. Whatever, you need some space and have your hands full with your kids that is reason enough for you pull back and let them get their needs met elsewhere.

Edit to add: I just read where your Grandma is blaming her daughter's death on her son-in-law.

Before hearing that I was pondering that if your poor Mom had to listen to her Mom bad-mouth your dad on a daily basis, she carried quite a burden. You know exactly how it feels because she put it on you now. Your grandma has a broken heart, she may also gave a guilty conscience that she can't acknowledge so she places the blame your Mom's death on your Dad.

Hope she can learn to forgive so she can start healing.

reply to post by natalia


My father is an addict of sorts. He was a churchman, a preacher, buttoned down and cleanly pressed, proper and solid to a fault. He was never drunk, nor high, nor any other thing other than just so. He was also the most hateful, psychologically maladjusted, spiritually cancerous wretch I have ever had the misfortune to meet. Self obsessed, deliberately abusive toward his family (without laying a finger on us mind). He was, and remains two dimensional at best, but thankfully, he is no longer my problem. He and my mother divorced, and he later disowned myself and my sister.

He was addicted to the sound of his own voice, to his own comfort and peace, and would behave in a way that made everyone elses lives half impossible, and not give a damn as long as he was not in any way troubled to do anything other than go to work, and come home again.

The man had, no soul what so ever. He and his mother, my grandmother, made my mothers life miserable for the whole time they were married. Now... I do not know your history, how well you ever related to the characters in your story, the people in your life. But if you have ever felt loved by the people in it, then cherish them, hold them near to your heart, and do not squander them, no matter how badly they rub you up the wrong way. I say this because I have lived with the sure knowledge that if I died tomorrow, my father would only grieve if it served to gain him sympathy, for he has no heart with which to feel such passage.

If you have family who are still capable of love, who have hearts and souls not rendered inactive through self absorbtion and self interest, then try to abide. The love you received from these people, is evidence of thier being worth keeping close.

reply to post by natalia

People do not change, generally it takes a long long time for any sort of real change to occur. I am talking about lifetimes here, generally hundreds of thousands of lifetimes. But yes next time your grandma calls and tries to place her bull# on you. Well if I was you I would kindly tell her to # off and dont call here again unless she has good news, or is baking some cookies which she wants to share, if its anything else tell her to go suck a lemon.

Though you dont have to use those words you know, I am sure you can come up with a more nicer way of saying that then I can. Though people tend to become like that when they got to much time on there hands, maybe you should set her up to play some bingo with other old fogies, just saying you know. She sounds like she needs hobbies, you know something else other then annoying you. And your dad may need a word or two, you know something nice dont be to mean. Something along the lines of. Hey Buddie, your old geezers need to work your own # out, if not there's the door learn to use it, if he wants to kill himself slowly that's his choice but you dont need deal with it, besides everybody dies sooner or later drinking yourself to death is as good a way as any, though there are better ways, I suppose. Again dont use those exact words, I failed the nice test, so I may not be the best go to guy on such matters. However I am sure you can come up with something much more creative and a nicer way to tell them to, # off... You now minus using the F word.

However you can not change people. Well there are ways, but those are kind of wayward and dont solve anything, in fact its just sweeping the dirt under the carpet. But ya! people generally do not change, and if they do they got to do it themselfs.

I am sure you will do fine Nat the former cat person, you seem to have plenty of advice on this situation.