reply to post by natalia
I’m really sorry that you have to deal with so much negativity! It sucks that your Grandma is constantly bashing your Dad. It does put you in a very
unfair position, because even if you agree to some extent with what your Grandma is saying, you can’t help but want to defend your Dad
because...well he’s your Dad. And I’m guessing that when you do try to stick up for him, your Grandma starts attacking you/guilt tripping you
I know this is hard to do --- especially with an elderly family member like your Grandma, but is there any way that you can give yourself at least a
small break from having to deal with her?
There’s nothing wrong with the occasional white lie. I’m hoping that you have caller ID/call display on your phone, so that occasionally, when you
need a break from her you can simply not answer her calls. You can always check in with your sister by text or e-mail. Or if you do answer your phone
and she starts being mean, just say that your phone’s losing its charge and that you’ll call her back later.
Another (perhaps a little less passive-aggressive) approach might be to set some very clear boundaries on what type of behaviour you will tolerate
from her. Imo, it’s never too late to set and/or clarify boundaries.
In other words, next time she calls and starts belittling your father, gently try to placate her with a general statement like “yeah it’s a
difficult situation for everyone right now” (that way you’ve acknowledged her feelings) but when she continues being nasty --- at this point ---
firmly tell her that it “upsets you too much to hear this and that if she continues you will have not choice but to hang up the phone.” (And if
she continues --- I really recommend hanging up)
I know it might seem harsh to hang up on your Grandma --- but if you do it a couple of times, she’ll hopefully get the message that you’re not
going to tolerate these mind games anymore. And when your Grandma guilt trips you for hanging up on her (and believe me, she will) --- just quickly
turn it right around --- and say how much it “upsets YOU to have to hang up on her because you love her so much, but right now you need to focus on
positive constructive things rather than wallow in the negative.”
(Or something to that extent --- as you can guess I’ve had to set boundaries myself. Mine was with a very negative older sister, who has perfected
the guilt trip into almost an art form)
But anyways, more importantly, I’m so sorry to hear about your Mom. You definitely deserve time to heal yourself. And imo, setting boundaries and
maybe even ignoring your Grandma on occasion, doesn't mean that you’re neglecting your sister or your father. I think it sets a good example to
your sister, you are showing her that you don’t have to let negative people suck you down with them. Even if the negative person is a family
I definitely feel for you! Remember be kind to yourself and it will get better!