The Conundrum of Being Awake

I am caught in a conundrum.
It seems sad to me sometimes
and a joy at other times.

Being awake creates daylight nightmares.
Things I abhor are always visible,
I can no longer ignore them
by simply closing my eyes.

I sometimes envy those,
who can live in denial,
work for the weekend
and buy the next toy.

My idea of success
is no longer the same.
Getting ahead
isn’t winning the game.

Fortunately being awake
also brings beautiful daydreams.
I echo Martin’s
and dream of peace.

Life once was so simple,
work and play,
laugh and cry,
and someday die

But now that I am awake
I realize and can no longer fake.
Happiness is not salvation
from the dark sadness.

Part of me feels like I am dying too soon,
and another part wants to wake up dead.
The pursuit of pleasure has left me unfulfilled,
on the false promises that I have been fed.

The joy I now feel awake
is from the love of those I love,
and the promise of eternal life from above,
no sadness, no hunger, no pain, and no sorrow.

The light at the end of the tunnel,
the promise of heaven motivates me still
to continue to dream
and stay awake.

Really beautiful, touched me deeply, thank you.

reply to post by Iamschist

I am thankful for your visiting and comments. I am endeavoring to keep my heart soft and open to others. Sharing heartfelt emotions can sometimes feel daunting because there are so many people who are afraid to really feel something. Thanks for expressing yours.

This a great post. I too share your sentiments, and have seen my life and attitudes change as I've grown more "aware."

Yes, there are trade-offs. You see and know more... Of everything. Your friends and family either think you're doing great or "off your rocker," when seeing your method of living and motivations change. But, I never want to go back.

Thank you.

reply to post by Q33323

Even as sad as some things are I too would never really want to go back. I will follow through with our ATS anthem.
I will always deny ignorance.

reply to post by grayeagle


That was beautiful friend. A lot of what you said rings true in my heart as well. Very nice
Thanks for sharing this.

Peace and love
-nat

beautiful grayeagle..

thats the thing, being awake makes it hard to pretend things aren't as they appear.. sometimes ignorance is bliss..

thanks for writing from your heart..

peace and love
the white ribbon

reply to post by grayeagle

Thank you grayeagle, for again sharing with us true words from your heart. I know what you speak of...some days, I wake up with my heart so filled with lonliness and despair that I must force myself to take my first breath of the day. I often feel as if I am already dead and just forgot to "drop"...yet, I try and see the light of life...the one soft glimmer, spark of "something" that will pull me back to the here and now.

I long to be truly "home" someday. I know there is a place for all of us one day....where we can be together and happy and healthy and whole again...free of pain and fear and sadness. The Creator promises us this. And so, we wait. Sometimes life seems like a living nightmare...to be awake we must endure. Are we the dreamer or the dream? I only hope and wait and wonder. There is a "place", a wonderful place, I have seen it. We will awaken there one day. Peace and love to you and all here. ^j^

Thought this was going to be about orexin.

It's the brain chemical that confers wakefulness.

Without it, the brain would be permanently asleep.

Thanks to you Natalia, White ribbon and shrevegal. I take strength and comfort from knowing there are others who are experiencing similar thoughts and feelings. It is people like you that I long to be around. To be understood and feel comfortable with. I try to avoid those who are caught up in acting like everything is wonderful and who earnestly desire to live in denial. Peace to you all and my hearts prayer for all of us is that we may continue in the pursuit of truth. I believe truth will set us free.