A Sincere Question

Ok to give you some background on this before I ask. There is a woman that I met at work about 3yrs ago. Her and I definitely seemed to have chemistry and we got along great. She even handcuffed herself to me once at work with some handcuffs she received when she was leaving our job for another one. During the times we worked together we would always talk about her relationships etc. After she left I had asked her if she wanted to have dinner sometime. Instead of answering it she just kind of dodged the question. When I pointed out she had dodged it she said something like I was hoping you wouldn't notice that. Then I asked her at one point if she would ever go out with me, and she said she didn't want to answer that. None of these are actual answers. I am sincerely interested in her, and I am curious what you all think. She is about five years older then me and I am not sure if that has anything to do with it.

So here are my questions.

1. Am I trying the wrong approach should I seek more of a fling then a relationship with her?
2. Is she basically letting me know that she wants to be friends and nothing more and I am missing it?
3. Should I just come out and ask her sincerely why do you ignore it every-time I hit on you?

I have considered just coming out and asking her for a one nighter but I don't know if that would be a good idea and well I am just not that kind of guy lol.

Let me know what you think.

She's not interested, but doesn't want to hurt your feelings

FYI, there's nothing more annoying than when a guy won't take a hint! aha, leave her to it.

Sounds like she's dodging because she's not interested that way, and probably doesn't want to hurt your feelings. But, to clarify any uncertainty, you could always just ask her bluntly.

reply to post by Phantom28804


Somwhere along the way, you have already established "friend status" with her, or she wouldn't be talking to you about her past relationship failures and all of the other emotional stuff usually reserved for friends. If she were interested in you in the way that you are interested in her she wouldn't be telling you all of that stuff for fear of scaring you away.

Originally posted by ObservingYou
She's not interested, but doesn't want to hurt your feelings

FYI, there's nothing more annoying than when a guy won't take a hint! aha, leave her to it.

It's equally as annoying when a woman won't get straight to the point instead of giving hints and "hoping" that the guy catches on. Just be straight forward and say yes or no.

reply to post by Phantom28804

Absence make's the heart grow fonder. If she is your friend, and you are ok with that stay friends. If you can't and have feelings that are to strong. Give her some time to miss you.

I'd say she just wants to be friends. If the chemistry isn't there, it isn't there. It doesn't mean that you cannot still be friends though. Maybe someday the chemistry will change. What is wrong with being a friend, it doesn't have to be more than that. Sometimes being a friend is more important than being a partner. Many times it is hard to be friends after a relationship.

reply to post by Phantom28804

When I pointed out she had dodged it she said something like I was hoping you wouldn't notice that.

Instead of answering it she just kind of dodged the question.

...she said she didn't want to answer that.

Seems to me that she has already answered your question and you just don't want to know the answer. Time for you to either jump back into the "friend" trench or move on to another battle.

Originally posted by Phantom28804


I have considered just coming out and asking her for a one nighter

Let me know what you think.

Definitely this one and tell her to bring her handcuffs.
If you get a slap,that means no.No slap and you're in there,worth a try.

What you're experiencing is my number one pet-peeve when it comes to women. Instead of telling you the truth, like an adult, they give some lame excuse or avoid all together, so they "do not hurt your feelings". People that do not tell the truth are insecure about the ramifications of said truth, simple immaturity.

Be confident in yourself. Know that you are worth anyone's time and effort. My advice in future dealings with women: ambiguity is the secret weapon. Keep them guessing. They should wonder about your interest in them as much as you are. At some point she will let you know that she is interested.

reply to post by Phantom28804

Then I asked her at one point if she would ever go out with me, and she said she didn't want to answer that.

You've found yourself a woman who understands tactfulness. Clearly, she doesn't want her workplace to become uncomfortable. So, she chooses not to answer because:

The answer is no.
No will make you feel bad
You feeling bad, and rejected, while still having to work in the same place with her, will not be fun at all

Never dip your pen in the company ink, you want a fling? That's what office christmas parties are for.

At least she's not a cold hearted you know what.... she could have destroyed you, instead, she chose to not answer.

It would have been nice had she given you a more direct reason why she wasn't interested in going out with you, especially since you seemed to have been pretty good friends at work and did discuss personal matters in the past.

She didn't want to hurt your feelings, but if your anything like me, I would much rather someone be direct with me if I have put myself in a vulnerable enough place to show someone I am interested in them. There are a number of reasons she may not want to date you and it sucks you have to "quess" what those reasons may be....however you really have no right to pursue asking her any further.

I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but a few years back a very nice, smart, handsome man became quite smitten with me, at the time I was going through the whole "on again, off again" thing with my BF....even though I was technically single at the time...in my heart I was still in a relationship,

The thing is in another place and time I would have dated this man in a heartbeat, but I was still in Love with someone else, and that is what I told him. I have no idea why this woman doesn't want to date you, but don't assume for a minute it's because your not absolutely wounderful, she obviously enjoyed your friendship....Good Luck...

To clear up a couple of things.

1. She doesn't work with me anymore. In fact I actually didn't ask her out till after she was gone from the city.
2. I realize that she might just be trying not to hurt my feelings, but she always plays coy about it.
3. Her and I have spent a few late nights talking and she flirts too. It's not just a one way street. Always telling me how cute and sweet I am, but yea I don't know how to read her anymore.

is she basically letting me know that she wants to be friends and nothing more and I am missing it?

That's the one.

You are trapped in the "friend zone".
Also, sounds like you're looking more for a conquest than a relationship (hence the one-nighter idea).

If that's really all it is, you could try being more of a jerk...some gals go for that, maybe her....and it could pop you out of the friend zone. But, you'd have to own it...if it doesn't come across as you, she'll sniff out the deception.

My actual advice though, blow her off, and let the absence thing play out. In the meantime, hunt elsewhere.

Originally posted by Phantom28804
She even handcuffed herself to me once at work with some handcuffs

Return the favor, then.....

I have considered just coming out and asking her for a one nighter but I don't know if that would be a good idea and well I am just not that kind of guy lol.

Well, become that kind of guy. It's only one night, it can't be that hard.

reply to post by Phantom28804

Instead of answering it she just kind of dodged the question. When I pointed out she had dodged it she said something like I was hoping you wouldn't notice that. Then I asked her at one point if she would ever go out with me, and she said she didn't want to answer that.

If you didn't get a resounding YES from her, why would you still want her? Find someone that will answer YES!

reply to post by jiggerj


He's in "thrill of the hunt" mode, and likely has built up some kind of fantasy image of who she is vs. the real person. I know because I've done it in the past, in my youth...multiple times, until I got older and wiser.