I need help.....please

Hey ATS, the last year I have come to discover spirituality and also have been seeking the truth and denying ignorance everywhere I go. I have started taking courses in school about social sciences, and also have been doing lots of research online concerning meditation, conspiracy theory's, philosophy, consciousness and all that good stuff. Getting to the point........I am having major issues with my dad. My whole life he has always had to do things his way because they are the only right way, to put it simple he's extremely narrow minded. Now as you can guess as I have been learning more and more I am learning alot about how he thinks, and his logic which is flawed. He literally see's me as some stupid pot head teen who knows nothing, and everything I say is some sort of bull# if it defy's him. We will get in argument and I will point out why hes doing ignorant things then he just laughs or says something that has nothing to do with what I said, here's an example. Tonight at dinner he started to argue with my mom (who is on my side and totally understands me) by saying that hes not walking the dogs and that we have too (he walks them every night after dinner the only reason he said that is because he was angry with me from a previous argument), then I pointed out that fact, and he continued to reply "Oh really know it all?", then i said "Why did you have to add know it all? You were trying to provoke me to further argue with you" then he just laughed.... This happens all the time, me and my mom can literally never be right in his eyes unless it benefits him in some sort of way. What I'm here to ask is that do you guys know any possible ways that I can change the way he thinks, so maybe he can see things from our perspective, or actually take our opinions into perspective at all. Please guys I really need your help here I'm afraid if he cant change his way of thinking I wont be able to deal with him and well end up hating each other.

Thanks ATS
Liam

reply to post by liam8126


Help yourself either by getting out the house or by getting out of the house.........

It is very difficult to change how anyone thinks! Most people who change do it because of their own experiences and wanting to change.

Your in a bad situation and you need to help yourself instead of worrying about changing someone else......

Eventually everybody must break free of the rules, regulations and advice of others and become the individual they were always supposed to be, The only way to exist is as a mirror image of your father or become an independent and successful person who follows their own heart

Brother...no need to change anyone for you wouldn't want anyone to change you.

The solution to your problem is *Compassion*

We always want others to change for the better of the whole. That's the issue of OUR world, not just in your family.

Learn to Compromise

Relationships ONLY work out when one or both parties are willling to compromise and make things work. That's a healthy relationship.

Love your father UNconditionally, no MATTER what and you would win his love for you, unconditionally.

When you change yourself from within, you change your envirenment and vice versa.

One prerequisite to being on the path of spirituality is that you treat and see everyone as yourself. Now, next time you want to respond to your father, know that you will be responding to yourself whether kindly or otherwise.

Originally posted by seeker1963
reply to post by liam8126

 

Help yourself either by getting out the house or by getting out of the house.........

It is very difficult to change how anyone thinks! Most people who change do it because of their own experiences and wanting to change.

Your in a bad situation and you need to help yourself instead of worrying about changing someone else......

Im only 16 I cant get out . Im maybe thinking of just saying your right to everything he says.

Originally posted by PurpleVortex
Brother...no need to change anyone for you wouldn't want anyone to change you.

The solution to your problem is *Compassion*

We always want others to change for the better of the whole. That's the issue of OUR world, not just in your family.

Learn to Compromise

Relationships ONLY work out when one or both parties are willling to compromise and make things work. That's a healthy relationship.

Love your father UNconditionally, no MATTER what and you would win his love for you, unconditionally.

When you change yourself from within, you change your envirenment and vice versa.

One prerequisite to being on the path of spirituality is that you treat and see everyone as yourself. Now, next time you want to respond to your father, know that you will be responding to yourself whether kindly or otherwise.

So even if i disagree with him i should just agree?

Classic and typical. The young male thinks he's so smart and has a chip on his shoulder. There's a Mark Twain quote:

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years.”

Source

You're not in charge right now, bud. When you are 18 you can leave. make your own way in life. Until then your Dad is supporting you.

Originally posted by PurpleVortex

The solution to your problem is *Compassion*
....

Love your father UNconditionally, no MATTER what and you would win his love for you, unconditionally.

Very well said.

....
OP,

It sounds like your father may actually have very low self-esteem. I know that sounds contradictory to what you may think, since you perceive that he is putting you down and trying to belittle you. The truth is, people who do this usually feel inferior, and feel that the only way to defend themselves is to put others down. This is evidenced by him calling you things such as a know-it-all. Deep down, he probably does really feel like you know more than him, and this makes him feel inferior. He erroneously feels that the only way to gain back his self-respect is to put down others.

Try to make him feel good about himself. When you do see something positive about him, however slight, compliment him. Try to avoid saying things that put him down, even if you feel righteous about it. Bite your tongue, no matter how hard. When he puts you down, calmly tell him that things like that make you feel bad, and that you love him, and know he loves you, and to please not make you feel bad. Try to be above the arguing. You will gradually see him lifted up to not feel so defensive.

In controlling your own antagonism, even if you feel it build up from dealing with this, you will make yourself a better and stronger person. Just keep reminding yourself of that when you feel tempted to argue back. Take a deep breath and tell yourself "no, I'm not doing this."

Of course, if ever gets physical, there is no reason to take that. Then it is time to leave. But it does not sound like he has resorted to that.

Remember - someone who is hurting inside often lashes out at others. It is not a reflection on you, but a reflection of his most inner self that you are seeing. Try to be the strong one. Be the good mirror he sees, that will improve his own self-image. Remember to be compassionate, and let your love show.

If you don't do this, your family will keep falling in a downward spiral that is hard to recover from.

reply to post by liam8126


dont get angry, get even.

If you are only 16,yes you obey his rules under his roof.
Unless there is bodily harm.
2 more years you can be free to choose.
I went through that and it was tough,but once I left,I chose my destiny and my path to follow.

Hang in there.

Peace,
K

reply to post by liam8126


it seems part of the Spiritual journey is to possess eventually a large amount of patience. With this in mind liam8126, try to apply this logic more with your father. Try to ask him one day can he and you have a talk about something serious that you feel is affecting the family, and that you mean he no disrespect. If he does not take you serious ask he 1 to 2 more times to remind he then back off and then ask your mother to ask he the same question.

1 will remain hopeful that by this time he sees it must be something serious and takes a moment to listen to you.

good luck

Get yourself out of there, or if you still have to be there for a few more years, just buy your time with school, part time job, hobbies, friends, extrcuricular activities, etc.

That older generation, Dads in general, they are mostly set and stuck in their ways, HUGE ego based on old school dying cultures (Joe Camel, Marlboro man, Clint Eastwood Shoot'em Up cowboys)

Let him go, he's a dying breed and wont last long in today's fast paced, ever changing world, which headed towards massive Enlightenment one way or another ...may even be through the transhumanism movement and consciousness downloading.

To further your spiritual pursuits I got an Awesome thread about Enlightenment here:
The Ultimate Enlightenment How To Thread

Also NEVER HATE for it only will cause the issue to remain unsolved. Do your best with patience with he, sometimes it takes others more time for the message to be absorbed.

NAMASTE
LOVE LIGHT ETERNIA*******

I am fifty, but live in a similar situation (very embarrassing to admit.) But there it is. Sigh.
My best advice is try to disassociate in a healthy way by separating what part of this communication issue is you and what part of it is him. In other words, this is his problem, it's not yours. It becomes yours by your reaction, which it seems like what he is looking for. As you describe, he seems to be "baiting" you in a way, or trying to get a rise out of you....I suppose because it entertains him. I only describe it that way because you included your mother in your description as being in a similar predicament to communication exchanges with him.

First, know this is not rare at all, I don't think, in families and communication. I remember being your age at reunion type situations, and there would ensue a huge debate about what a particular aunt was wearing on a particular occasion....silly stuff like this, seemed like just to have an argument about basically, nothing. I guess a way of asserting "rightness," or superiority or just to get under each others' skin...... My way of dealing with it was to either walk away or start humming a tune to myself.

Whatever, so much for my anecdotal attempts, here. My point is basically that you can't change your dad. There's probably zero hope for that. You may at some point find you can earn his respect, or change the way he views you, but changing his perspective about life philosophies or beliefs is probably unlikely. But don't allow him to "suck" or drain your energy with this, because this is the game he's playing with you, and when you let him get that rise out of you, that's the result.

I had a therapist put it this way to me, once....stop dancing. It takes two people to do that dance, so just stop dancing. You are too young to leave, but also too young to let an influential loved one in your life take up that much of your mind, and involve emotions that could too easily start to make you feel undermined and let it affect you by undervaluing yourself, allowing it to become some kind of self fulfilling prophecy that shapes you, your behavior or how you feel about yourself. He's just another person in the world, and part of our growing up no matter how old we are, is learning how to not let others define who we are to ourselves, not giving them that power over us. If we don't learn how to do this, the world will chew you up and spit you out.

I've been rambling too long, but I hope I've been at least a little helpful. I am certainly very compassionate about your situation, and hope the best for you. Let it roll off your back. Smile, serenely, even if you don't feel it at first, and just agree with him....whatever will leave him speechless in the most unreactive, non argumental way possible, is my suggestion. Refuse to butt heads with him, in the most peaceful, kind way that you can---not as though you are laughing at him or making fun of him, but just as though it doesn't matter all that much, you are you and refuse to let who he is get to you that much.

Hope that helps a little. Take care.
Tetra

Originally posted by liam8126

Originally posted by PurpleVortex
Brother...no need to change anyone for you wouldn't want anyone to change you.

The solution to your problem is *Compassion*

We always want others to change for the better of the whole. That's the issue of OUR world, not just in your family.

Learn to Compromise

Relationships ONLY work out when one or both parties are willling to compromise and make things work. That's a healthy relationship.

Love your father UNconditionally, no MATTER what and you would win his love for you, unconditionally.

When you change yourself from within, you change your envirenment and vice versa.

One prerequisite to being on the path of spirituality is that you treat and see everyone as yourself. Now, next time you want to respond to your father, know that you will be responding to yourself whether kindly or otherwise.

So even if i disagree with him i should just agree?

That's not what I suggested. Disagree with him, but do so with kind intentions. Use your words wisely, compassionatily. I can say that I used to be exactly in your shoes once, but towards my older brother. Things changed WHEN I CHANGED how I responded to his conditioned patterns of anger and rage towards me.

When you change the way you respond to your father, you CHANGE the cycle of subtle resistance and habitual ways things would turn out. Novelty>Habit.

Respond creatively from now on, and notice he will start to change the way he responds to you. Show resistance and you will get the same back. Show love, and you will be given that; 10X more...

And for my brother and I, things have been going really good...really smooth. It takes time for "them" to change but it is well worth it my friend.

double

So many here are just suggesting... leave.
Please people - try not to give an impressionable teen advice to throw away his relationship with his father over a few paragraphs describing some arguments. As adults, we should be trying to present a level head to a young person in need.

Has no one ever gone through a rough teen / parent relationship, or seen someone else go through it, and then grow out of it? These years can be very rough on both teen and parent for many reasons.

...

Give your father a chance, and remember that you WILL get through this. You will both be stronger for it.

Alienating yourself from him will just lead to a lifetime of regret.
Just be patient, be compassionate, walk away for a couple of hours if you need to, and try not to let things get out of hand.
Things will look much different in a few years, as long as you see your parent as a person and not just as a father.

Originally posted by liam8126

Originally posted by seeker1963
reply to post by liam8126

 

Help yourself either by getting out the house or by getting out of the house.........

It is very difficult to change how anyone thinks! Most people who change do it because of their own experiences and wanting to change.

Your in a bad situation and you need to help yourself instead of worrying about changing someone else......

Im only 16 I cant get out

. Im maybe thinking of just saying your right to everything he says.

Exactly. What I was trying to say, but used a lot more useless words. Very wise of you.

Kick his ass,problem solved.

"Leave" is the American way...

There is a saying in my country, can't really translate but the idea is if things are not working out between two people at least one of those two needs to compromise or else the relationship is not going to work out. If two are stubborn then they both "leave". This is the issue in our world today not just in mutual relationships.

Oh let so and so figure this out, I'm chillin in my comfort bubble don't bother me...NO!

OP, when the issue is in the family you need to compromise bro. You are on the spiritual path, you are like the teacher and they are the students in a sort of a way. Lead the way, don't create obstacles. If you need to talk, you know where to find me.