Passive Aggressive Woman

Originally posted by Shdak
reply to post by slapjacks

 

There is no communicating with a passive aggressive, they will turn things around on you...compromise yes, and that hard to do also... but it works

that is true - it is a very unhealthy way to communicate. You guys need to reconnect - would a marriage counsellor help ?

reply to post by Shdak


You should leave or should have left. You knew what she was like when you met her. It is your fault. Her being a good mother and a good worked does not change the fact that both of you are not compatible.

I spent 8yrs with one woman in a similar situation as you. Except in that case I was more like your wife than you.

You both are good people just that you probably were not meant to be together. You both may have grown to care and love each other with time but it doesnt' sound like either of you are completely happy.

25yrs in yeesh... well either cut your losses or continue to live with it. good luck man. I bailed from my situation and I do not regret it one bit.

Originally posted by InTheLight
You should be communicating with her and not strangers on a forum. Unless, of course, you are just looking for sympathy from the woman haters.

Communication entails two or more participants - but it seems his wife has opted to not join in.

reply to post by Shdak


can I point out one thing here....

You said...

Been married 25 years, and for the most part I ignore the above, I know I should have ran a long time ago… but I didn’t, mostly for my child’s sake, who knows?,

Yet your child said...

Funny thing that my son (25 years old now) asked me a couple of years ago… Why are you still married? I couldn’t live like that…

Does he see something you don't?

Better yet... do you see something he doesn't?

reply to post by Shdak


Everyone deserves to be happy and it's never to late to start again and build your life.
A person can only take so much before they loose it. Don't let it get to that point. This is how really bad things can come into play. If your at that point, get a divorce or just leave and let her be.

You have my sympathy, but in your OP you haven't really given enough for me to get a real good idea of what the problem is with your wife. She is obviously unhappy too. People who are not open to criticism, as you say is the case with your wife, are not being realistic. But you also are not being realistic when you don't post the important details that might help people understand what is wrong in the relationship.

Did you have problems from the very beginning of the relationship or did something happen that changed you or your partner?

I spent years living with a master of passive aggression. This woman had other characteristics of being a sociopath; manipulative, liar, childish, self centered, unscrupulous, passive aggressive, no conscience.

There is no meeting of minds possible with such a person.

Even under the best possible conditions to work on insanity, living in a meditation center under the supervision of an expert Tibetan lama surrounded by people who are compassionate and supportive, the rate at which such a person changes and gradually abandons habitual patterns of behavior is agonizingly slow. People committed to this type of relationship need decades of patience and perseverance, operating with no expectation of a payoff.

If you cannot get the kind of backup you need to stay in the relationship from expert, committed people, I would give serious consideration to walking away, at least to a separate living space.

reply to post by InTheLight


You seem to be taking this whole post rather perrsonally. Has the opp stuck a nerv with you? You have on multiple occasions now mentioned the other side of story. Well unless she joins ats and starts a thread of her own that's not going to happen is it?

First of all what the opp chooses to do in a public forum is none of your business. unless of course you are the wife lol.

Originally posted by Evanzsayz
reply to post by Shdak

 

Sounds like you and her need some distance. That's what happens when 2 people live together for years on end. They start hating everything about eachother and everything you do annoys them (especially women).

Listen children to the voice of wisdom.

Originally posted by Shdak
My wife turns everything I say against me, she has constant and inappropriate criticism about me when we are alone, and is always defensive when it comes to her own actions; she can’t take the slightest remark against her. She never appreciates things that are done around the home, she has no intimacy and leans towards a sexless marriage. She hates it when I talk with friends, or when I plan on doing some sort of social thing like fishing, going to a ball game, target shooting, etc… even though she says it’s OK to do it, I can still see it in her expressions.

I was thinking about your post on the way to work this morning and while your wife sounds emotionally abusive, what you have told us is to overt to really be considered passive agressive.

So I looked it up:

www.emotionalcompetency.com...

Definitions:
Hostile Inaction,
Covert violence,
Covert defiance,
Stealth spite,
Seeking revenge by refusing to act.
Modes and Techniques
Here are some of the passive aggressive ways people express their anger:

Grin fake: Saying “yes” and smiling pleasantly while meaning “no way”.
Denying hostility; “who me?”
Exploiting plausible deniability; “I never would have done that.”
Looking good while doing bad.
Delay and other forms of obstruction.
The “silent treatment” and other forms of pouting and playing the victim.
Stonewalling; stalling or delaying especially by refusing to answer questions or cooperate.
Manipulation; controlling people without letting them know you are doing so. Acting outside of trust.
Passive withdrawal, lack of response, lack of cooperation, sabotage, covert revenge.
Suffering in silence . . . while fueling resentment, justifying retaliation, and expecting to gain leverage, pity, or salvation for your suffering.
Playing the victim, feigning powerlessness, pretending you don't have any choices, denying your responsibility.
Playing the martyr—publicly selecting (or acquiescing to) an undesirable alternative for the purpose of justifying revenge or extracting pity.
Talking about your adversary while never talking to him about the troubling behavior.
Fueling the Fire
A particularly destructive cycle happens when a passive aggressive response is used in a relationship with an overtly hostile or violent adversary. The overtly hostile person is provoked into performing a particularly violent anger display. This is then used to justify the passive aggressive response: “I'll show him and I refuse to become violent like he is.” This hostile inaction fuels the rage of the overtly hostile partner and the cycle continues or escalates. End the cycle by working together to travel down a constructive anger path.

And frankly, you post seems to fall into this catagory. We often 'project' our own shortcomings on to others. But the more you 'label' someone else (and these labels we throw around have very definite boundaries of diagnosis) , the more likely that you are tallking about yourself.

Like I said earlier - check out Al-Anon, it's not just for family and friends of Alcoholics. It's of help in any disfuncional relationship. That is assuming you want your relationship to get better, or yourself to get better. If you just want someone to co-sign you running away, go elsewhere.

Thanks for all the replies, when I posted this it was more of a vent then anything else, I think I had a bad day when I posted, everybody has those kind of days. I have learned to live with the issue’s and most of the time I don’t even let this behavior bother me… I did marry for better or worse, so unless she decides enough is enough I will most likely see it to its end.

To answer some of the replies, we have spent time apart more than once, I did continue with counseling for a while; not just about this, but for myself as well. My son and I see the same thing (another story), and I’m far from losing control or snapping; this will most likely be my last reply on this subject btw.

What did I get from this?, My faith in people is a little stronger, I am amazed at the number of people that replied with opinions of their own… trust me, over the years, I have tried most of these opinions in one manner or another.

reply to post by Rubic0n


You obviously did not grasp the meaning of my post. The point of it had nothing to do with "permission" to share. The point was you are hearing one side of the story. I imagine she could share a lot about him that he is not sharing. Frankly, I find this sort of post the op made of little help. How can you or I give advice when we truly cannot know any more than what he is telling. I have no clue what he is like. I have no clue what he does or does not do to help or what she does or does not do, and neither do you.

OP'er, you should sit and watch some youtube videos about being in relationships with narcissists and sociopaths. There are alot of people who physically have no consience in their brain. all they know, is what they want, and how to get it. The outward symptoms of that, are no introspection, no guilt, everything wrong is YOU not them. Defensive. Turns it back on you. They are subtley crazy-making. They make you feel like you are losing your mind, but even worseley, they constantly are devaluing you, so that you are constantly questioning yourself.

The root cause of passive aggressive behavior is resentment; the root of resentment is expectation...the expectation may either be rooted from ones self or in another. So what expectations has she had of herself and you in all of this time? Were there agreements that were never met? Were their plans that never came to fruition? You have to ask yourself what her and your root of resentments are for each other...any promises made but not kept? Those sort of things add up ya know.

And when they add up you get negative passive aggressive behavior back; if you can put your finger on any major resentments that could have arisen during your years together, then it has built up to what it is over time.

Having a disagreement, a rule of thumb is to use the word "I"...never "You" someone upset already will go on the defense, so the term "You" just escalates whomever is upset. Also, there is no reason in the world, if there is a disagreement that the person upset cannot calmly say what they have to say, while the other listens...letting them vent it all out and get things off their chest, instead of sucking it in and pushing it down to get shaken up and explode later or come out in passive aggressive behavior.

Communication works great by yourself; if that's where you want to be...but for real communication both should be able to hold their tongues long enough with consideration for the other person. Then respond with the "I" feels without a you in it no matter how many "you's" came your way while they were sharing their feelings.

Expectation is a horrible device to have in a relationship...because it doesn't love the person for who they are, but who you expect them to be...it has conditions to give and receive love, a bunch of hoops to jump through on how to act and who to be, just so you can be with them when real love is unconditional. Now that's not saying you lay down and have no boundaries or standards people need to respect to be with you, and you don't let anyone cross those, or else it shows you have no self respect. Meaning if you don't have any for yourself then why should they give it to you? That may not be a conscious determination but it sure as hell is a subconscious cue to not give it. Not sticking to your standards; makes you a door mat and No Onewill respect a door mat.

If you are not strong enough to stick up for your standards; by stating them and letting people walk on you or let them keep testing them...then you are taking a submissive role, the other person naturally falls into the dominate roll. If you simply don't care then you are taking a dismissive role, the dismissive roll keeps making excuses and keeps drawing lines not to cross, when it's crossed they make a new excuse and draw a new line...eventually backing oneself into a corner...where it's fight or flight.

So again what expectations do you have for yourself and for this other person? What roles have you fell into? What compromises? How many lines have been drawn? Excuses made? You see where I am going with this?

I have two boundaries in my relationships; no lying and no cheating...if someone cannot respect those two simple rules then they cannot respect me, meaning they have no respect for themselves either, meaning we are both wasting our time trying to make something work that ultimately will not.

But the average relationship has expectations that force people to play or fill a role...this is a relationship where someone cannot be themselves and lead a happy healthy life with another person. That type it's either do this or you won't have my love...sure maybe somethings people don't mind doing anyway and if there's enough give and take in expectations and roles it can get a balance going...but if something changes that redefine those expectations or roles? Where's the love then? It certainly was never there to begin with because it was based on the give and take the roles accepted based on the others expectations, that one may or may not have minded doing.

reply to post by Shdak


Forget about her, why are YOU still with her? If she gives you that much grief that you have accepted it to the point where you now ignore it [ which sounds very unhealthy by the way], you must be very passive and unsure of yourself. Your kid even see's the futility in this. Why don't you?

No offense, but you come across as a dog who's been beaten so many times, he just accepts it while whimpering in the corner waiting for the next blow. Man up and leave. She'll miss having a whipping boy. Will you miss being the whipping boy? Your marriage is toxic. ANY relationship where there is that much of a disparity in control is unhealthy.

You used the term passive/aggressive. I see control issues being carried out emotionally. I was that situation twice, so I know the signs. I've moved on beyond those types of relationships, and so should you. I knew a woman a long time ago who used control over the men in her life. On one hand it was sexy as hell to see that, but when you take that sort of thing out of the bedroom and into real life, it makes the men pathetic and the woman coming across as being a bit unstable because, really, it's not very normal. The men end up doing things they regret later, all because they have gotten used to being controlled. They may receive favors from the woman of a non-sexual nature that can better their lives, but at what price?

I see that with you OP. You have a gained a way of life that is comfortable for you personally, but look at what you have to do, what you have to BE, to maintain it. If it's all worth it to you then you're never going to have the respect of anyone. Men or women.

Originally posted by UnifiedSerenity
reply to post by Rubic0n

 

You obviously did not grasp the meaning of my post. The point of it had nothing to do with "permission" to share. The point was you are hearing one side of the story. I imagine she could share a lot about him that he is not sharing. Frankly, I find this sort of post the op made of little help. How can you or I give advice when we truly cannot know any more than what he is telling. I have no clue what he is like. I have no clue what he does or does not do to help or what she does or does not do, and neither do you.

Bravo, well said and I concur.

How long does it take to get this off the home page. Grow a set and you'll deal we'll with women