Passive Aggressive Woman

My wife turns everything I say against me, she has constant and inappropriate criticism about me when we are alone, and is always defensive when it comes to her own actions; she can’t take the slightest remark against her. She never appreciates things that are done around the home, she has no intimacy and leans towards a sexless marriage. She hates it when I talk with friends, or when I plan on doing some sort of social thing like fishing, going to a ball game, target shooting, etc… even though she says it’s OK to do it, I can still see it in her expressions.

Been married 25 years, and for the most part I ignore the above, I know I should have ran a long time ago… but I didn’t, mostly for my child’s sake, who knows?, maybe I have saved someone else from this miserable life style I’m in. I have looked back on my life just to reflect on how I use to be, then it suddenly dawns on me… this has compromised my emotional behavior badly. I’m am now just as messed up as she is and I truly don’t know how much longer I can go and keep my emotional sanity. What in the hell have I done to myself…

She has been a good mother, and a hard worker in which I’m glad of, especially due to fact I’m unemployed at the moment. We have worked hard together to have the things we have; we are blessed, because most everything is paid in full. Oh! Let me remind you that being unemployed comes with the constant criticism as mentioned above… note to self, “remember when you worked you never had enough time to spend at home” how ironic is that?

I have been to consoling, wife refused… she didn’t like what she was told btw, this was years ago, I listened to his advise and I’m aware of everything he said about the relationship, he was right, and it is manageable so long as you don’t get emotional compromised by it… people are people and will sometimes will be who they are, it’s up to you, if you can live with it.

Funny thing that my son (25 years old now) asked me a couple of years ago… Why are you still married? I couldn’t live like that… Has this affected him?… absolutely he is still single and very careful of who and what type of women he wants to spend his life with.

You should be communicating with her and not strangers on a forum. Unless, of course, you are just looking for sympathy from the woman haters.

Never get angry in an argument (if there is one), always use logic to back up any claims you have and refute any claims by the opposing party. Use "I" statements instead of accusatory statements such as those the other party is currently using against you.

you could have a sit down with the person in question and discuss this like adults, and remind her that when she can't take criticism that "we are trying to fix this together" and not arming for war.

If all else fails, follow your child's advice as this relationship cannot be mended.

I had to go through the same, although my ex was not only passive aggressive, she was very competitive while I was not. I knew that having a calm view would help me out with discussing items of mutual interest or any other negative issues that may incense her to verbal assault. We ended up divorcing when my son was 8 months old. I raised my son from that point on, and although it has not been easy, I look at the path her life has taken and know that I made the right choice. I hope that you analyze the situation and evaluate it all the way through before you decide what direction to take. Good luck.

reply to post by InTheLight


Communicating doesn't always work...it rarely does (in situations like this).. I agree with the OP no matter what, because I'm sure he feels as if it's always a lose lose situation.

OP, many of us have been and are in your shoes right now, it sucks believe me I know.

Staying in a dead relationship for a child is the wrong thing to do, they can tell its not like other parents. Now the child think when it grows up they should stay in a dead relationship for there child's sake since essentially you have shown them how to do it..

When you're happier away from her than with her, then it's time to give her an ultimatum:

Either she stops her emotionally abusive behavior, or you're outta there.

I say this as a woman. Nobody should have to be miserable because of their partner.

And yes, it really is just that simple.

reply to post by slapjacks


It also does not accurately reflect the real situation of what is going on in this relationship. All we have is a one-sided view - his. So, the resulting posts will, of course, and as usual, take a one-sided approach. It appears to me he just doesn't know how to communicate with his wife of 25 years, and from the OP's initial post, it seems he was not involved in her life while he did work, nor now, as he is planning all sorts of activities which exclude her.

reply to post by slapjacks


There is no communicating with a passive aggressive, they will turn things around on you...compromise yes, and that hard to do also... but it works

You know the answer and what you must do to be happy you're just looking for ways to not make that happen and continue down the same road just for the sake of it..

Originally posted by Shdak
reply to post by slapjacks

 

There is no communicating with a passive aggressive, they will turn things around on you...compromise yes, and that hard to do also... but it works

Shdak just tell her when she start "Yes, I can make everyone Miserable If I don't get my own way too!"

Then just before she opens her mouth

Then tell her "That's your problem you want everything YOUR OWN WAY"

Then just before she opens her mouth

Then tell her "Well hun, Guess where you are going?"

Then just before she opens her mouth

Then tell her "THE LOONEY BIN"

Then just before she opens her mouth

then tell her "Now, What... Where is your comeback now, HUH!"

reply to post by Shdak

Been married 25 years, and for the most part I ignore the above, I know I should have ran a long time ago… but I didn’t, mostly for my child’s sake, who knows?, maybe I have saved someone else from this miserable life style I’m in. I have looked back on my life just to reflect on how I use to be, then it suddenly dawns on me… this has compromised my emotional behavior badly.

Life is too short of an event to waste the whole thing on miserable people...
Sounds like you've paid your dues and learned your lessons.

Perhaps it's time she learned some lessons herself on how to treat people, and you just might be the perfect teacher for the job...

At some point you made a conscious decision to have an emotional (as well as legal) attachment to this person. It's not too late to reverse both decisions.

Originally posted by Shdak
reply to post by slapjacks

 

There is no communicating with a passive aggressive, they will turn things around on you...compromise yes, and that hard to do also... but it works

So, you opt to post a 'blaming' thread here and continue to let her support you instead of asking for a divorce.

reply to post by yourmaker


you can say "I hate change"... but looking at pro's and con's... over all we have had a good life together, not counting the passive aggressive thing; We have enjoyed the things we have accomplished, and neither of us would want to have to start over from that standpoint.

reply to post by InTheLight


The point is you can accept people for who they are, as I have, this is not a blaming thread... many women live with men who are passive aggressive "you see the behavior in more men then women" the point of the thread is awareness of the behavior.

Originally posted by Shdak
reply to post by InTheLight

 

The point is you can accept people for who they are, as I have, this is not a blaming thread... many women live with men who are passive aggressive "you see the behavior in more men then women" the point of the thread is awareness of the behavior.

Who labelled her with this behaviour? A professional psychiatrist or yourself?

reply to post by InTheLight


Did read the post?

I have been to consoling, wife refused…

Maybe you should read into this!

www.steadyhealth.com...

Maybe you should also read this.

divorcesupport.about.com...

Thanks for the read... guys/gals, but I already know what I'm into, It fits... but nothing you can do when treatment is refused and I'm not looking to divorce at the moment

Originally posted by Shdak
Thanks for the read... guys/gals, but I already know what I'm into, It fits... but nothing you can do when treatment is refused and I'm not looking to divorce at the moment

Hubby and I went to counselling many times throughout our 31 years together and found the majority of counsellors were duds, with significant relationship problems of their own. So, my advice to you is to not put too much weight on what an outsider looking in - on only one side - has to say.