How can I deal with all my families problems?

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posted on Mar, 18 2013 @ 01:04 PM
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You can't change them. If try continuously you will aggravate yourself. It is a problem when parents defend evil behavior of one sibling while treating the other different. Do yourself and favor and use the anger for positive in your own life and don't let it happen when you have a family. They sound like emotional vampires that are likely spoiled baby boomers. Good luck.




posted on Mar, 18 2013 @ 02:00 PM
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Originally posted by AkumaStreak
reply to post by Phoenix267
 


1) Find a source of income/job.

2) Learn quickly how to live affordable, making meals on the cheap, thrift store clothes, etc.

3) Get a studio apartment and get the hell out of there.

4) Be honest with your family members concerning how serious you feel their problems are. Advise them accordingly/as respectfully as warranted. Then go about living YOUR life, reaching YOUR potential, and finding the happiness and peace you have as much of a right to as everyone else.

Failure to do this will make you dependent on your family's poor choices. You will be dragged through the mud in life/held back/possibly have a lot of the best years of your life completely tainted by them. They may need to hit rock bottom on their own to learn their own lessons. Why should you pay the price?


I totally agree with you...you have stated what I was going to say...I 2nd these suggestions!



posted on Mar, 18 2013 @ 02:49 PM
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You are realizing the truth, that just because these people are related you by blood doesn't mean they give a rodents rear. It sucks when you wake up and realize that your parents lack integrity since they're supposed to be the stable rock in life.

They make make excuses about how "bad" there parents were too. That too is lame.

These people are toxic. Don't be infected with this virus anymore. Better to be independent and free yourself.

The truth sets you free, but it also makes you quite angry and I sympathasize. Resolution will come when you have a normal stable family with integrity and love.

I hope this helps.



posted on Mar, 18 2013 @ 04:00 PM
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Why do you think its YOU that has to solve all of your families problems? You dont.

Get away...far away..and deal with your own...The 1st one I'd deal with is your "savior" complex...that you think its up to you to solve all their nonsense...its not.

And if you still think it IS up to you to save them...well...Im sorry for you



posted on Mar, 18 2013 @ 04:12 PM
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reply to post by Phoenix267
 


Quick question... are you the middle child? just curious.

Any way... I know everyone is just trying to help here, but I would not suggest you join any type of military academy. This situation has been going on at your household for years and it is putting a strain on you mentally and emotionally. so no matter how ready you are physically, if you join the military just to run away from the issue believe me when I say it won't help. what you need is try to stay as social as possible. Do not let this isolate yourself from the world or you might even fall into depression. You say that friends don't even contact you, seek people or friends that are willing to listen and to help and support you. Stay away from that negativity as much as possible until you're able to get on your feet and have enough money to move out.

Meet new people, try not to spend too much time at home. Also exercise constantly to release the stress. If you're having a hard time expressing yourself about the issue, you can use a journal too. Write down how you feel. It also helps. you can also volunteer and go away from the house at least for a few weeks or so to clear your head. Go and take a walk when things get out of control, don't just sit there and take everything quietly.

And last but not least, have faith everything will work out in the end... you need to have faith, believe in something (God, The Source, The Higher Being, The Central Sun...) because yes, it does exist. Ask for help, a prayer wouldn't hurt you either, even before going to sleep.

In the end, no matter what we tell you here, you're the one who has to make a decision. Hopefully you'll choose what works out for you best, because no matter what you tell your family to help them, if they're not willing to snap out of it, and get help, it won't happen.

Remember;
There's always light at the end of the tunnel, and things will get better eventually.

Good Luck




posted on Mar, 18 2013 @ 04:12 PM
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The biggest thing to remember here is that it's not your problem. You can't change anyone else. There is no reason you need to take any responsibility for their issues--even the kids. Probably the worst thing you could do is any sort of "I'll save you!" mentality.

It sounds like you're two troubled brothers are dependent on your parents, who themselves have developed a "co-dependent" relationship with them.

But so have you. There's no good reason for a 24 year old man to still be living with his parents. Your brothers and you are preventing your parents from having a well-deserved "retirement" from their children. My guess is they worked hard and they deserve to be empty nesters for the twilight of their lives rather than finding themselves caring for adult children who have never really grown up. You need to do what you need to do for yourself to take responsibility for your own life and move out.

And good luck.



posted on Mar, 18 2013 @ 04:45 PM
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It would seem you've got many opinions to go through for good advice.

I tend to agree with a lot of them... But thought I might add some twists to some of the advice given.

If I were in your position, I would do the following:

It helps to get the problems and possible solutions in perspective.

I would sit down and write out what has transpired in some detail, and perhaps examine what solutions you've attempted - even if they are written here on the website.

In your OP, for instance, it isn't quite clear to me that your parents are aware of the drug habits of your brothers... or if they are: that their understanding is necessarily on the same page as yours. It isn't your job to exhaustively solve their problems, unless you wish to... there are certainly some payoffs that can be had if you manage to do so - and you've mentioned what you are aiming for.

So, nothing ventured, nothing gained. On the other hand, don't go so far that you lose your peace of mind. If you cannot keep an accurate written record of what is transpiring - it may be difficult to wrap your head around the different arguments and mis-understandings that exist (if you think that you are simply a victim of mis-understanding).

On the other hand, the parents may be of the hope that your brothers will behave as the prodigal son did in the biblical story told by Christ. Perhaps they are of the hope that love will eventually convince your brothers that their way of life is not leading to the outcomes that are conducive to an end they personally desire.

Love is also not overfeeding the appetites of wasteful people ad-infinitum. By enabling, your parents may be on a never-ending ride to hell.

You did say that there are arguments - it would appear that your parents don't favour any extreme view of what your brothers are doing. You will find that you will have to argue the case to your satisfaction, and then similar to what you have stated about not putting all your eggs in one basket, you will have to leave yourself enough room in your time/patience to chase after your own ends and cut loose from a bottomless pit. It may be the best thing for you to do, to avoid hurting your parents and giving them the impression that you are out to reject their logic/view of your brother's worlds.

When writing the stories of what has transpired between you and the others - try and see where you are making assumptions and clear those up. If, for instance, you call your brothers serious drug addicts - it may be possible that your brothers are hiding this fact from your parents - since they are interested in using them.

You may be required to conjure proof of what you know to be true and ask your parents if they believe the same things as you do about the outcome of what your brothers are doing. If they do not agree with you - they have a right to disagree with the facts or point out the flaws in your reasoning by their standards - mark that down, so that you don't end up re-hashing the same arguments over and over.

This is a pretty onerous task, potentially, so you can either try to rush and get it done sloppily or you could take your sweet time getting breaks in between (like days, weeks months, years), or you can calculate your losses in the war and say that you have spent as much as you are willing to spend on fixing things for the good outcomes you are searching for. Then you won't have it on your conscience. You can wash your hands of what they do with properly presented information and arguments.

You may on the other hand feel panicked if you don't have other ways out of the mess. In that case you owe it to yourself to list the pros and cons of fighting the good fight and put a virtual price tag on each element and sum up the cost and benefits and see which one you feel exceeds the other.

Your mileage will naturally vary from mine on this situation and what you wish to do - I'm not you, you're not me.

Additionally, it helps to have friends on the Internet, like here to help with your arguments, but it also helps to have people you mutually respect help you if they believe in the cause that you speak of. Especially if you can find level headed and extremely patient friends who understand or who can help you see a different perspective. Such wise friends are also sometimes paid specialists.

If all you can do is help people out silently with the occasional, very well thought out ideas, sometimes, over time they will come to appreciate your help, even if it gets them an inch in the right direction. Never aim to hurt with your discussion, only offer facts and attempt to look from their perspective - this will open you to your own reasons for fighting with them and how you are different in dealing with situations from them from a facts based perspective - rather than an emotional one. Often this is why specialists are paid for help.

I've seen some people who take that much time to help others to do so... and they succeed in seemingly impossible odds



posted on Mar, 18 2013 @ 05:51 PM
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Having dealt with this before with a brother of mine and a friend it is always hard. Maybe its wake up time for your parents, if you are not indulging in the stuff yourself and are clean, remind your parents about the laws, that if your siblings are caught in the house or vehicle that they (your parents) can loose everything exspecially if they (cops) find more at the home that could be considered trafficing.

I seen were someone suggested Military, not a bad choise if you choose to do so, if you do only due a few years, but I would suggest that if you have any friends that care about you and know your sutuation maybe you can help each other with finacial needs (roommates).

Brother of mine was hooked on coc aine, he tried to clean himself up but he ended up making his son his best freind and would go out drinking and partying, even ended up in Vegas one weekend on his wife credit card, he was not the best brother or father, his son is currently looking at 5-15 years in prision becuase he (Father) turned a blind eye to his son actions.

You need to make a choise to better yourself by either leaving the sutuation on confront your parents and have them deal with it.

Good luck, its a hard thing.....and I understand



posted on Mar, 18 2013 @ 06:11 PM
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Originally posted by Phoenix267

Originally posted by jiggerj
reply to post by Phoenix267
 


It's hard to offer suggestions when we know nothing about you. How old are you? Are you old enough to get the hell out of that environment? Your responsibility is to yourself. What good does it do you or society if these people drag you down to their level?


I'm 24 and a legal adult. But having limited funds and no where to go limits me to stay here were all the problems happen.


As difficult as it may be, you need to get out on your own. Only then will you be able to decide what goes on in your house.
Maybe find a room mate who can split the bills? Someone of similar interests who isn't into the drugs that your family members seem to be into.



posted on Mar, 18 2013 @ 09:07 PM
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Originally posted by LastStarfighter
You are realizing the truth, that just because these people are related you by blood doesn't mean they give a rodents rear. It sucks when you wake up and realize that your parents lack integrity since they're supposed to be the stable rock in life.

They make make excuses about how "bad" there parents were too. That too is lame.

These people are toxic. Don't be infected with this virus anymore. Better to be independent and free yourself.

The truth sets you free, but it also makes you quite angry and I sympathasize. Resolution will come when you have a normal stable family with integrity and love.

I hope this helps.



It doesn't mean they don't care about him/love him. It just means they don't know how to lead healthy lives. The choices the OP needs to make are the same either way.



posted on Mar, 19 2013 @ 08:29 AM
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Some excellent advice has been given here...
coping mechanisms such as the gym, journaling, socializing are good starts.

I would not recommend church or military, but that's my bias based on what I've seen can happen to sensitive people from the 'indoctrination' that goes with either one.

It is very true that you CAN NOT FIX this...you're in the role of "hero", and if you understand family systems and addiction, that's an impossible role to play. Codependents, yes, as schuyler said.

A family member can NOT fix the family, an outside influence, an objective eye is needed, and knowledge of how to make changes in group dynamics and family systems. I suggest you look into "family systems" theory, even doing so on your own can help you immensely.

Also, a good THERAPIST can help you navigate this, and extract yourself from it. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. Every one of those people are in a great deal of pain and spinning their wheels with it, feeding off of each other and unaware of how they are enabling the system to continue.

Yes, you should remove yourself from the situation as soon as possible, and if you want some help, don't rely just on an internet forum or friends, seek professional counseling. They can help you - pick one that is a Clinical Social Worker who specializes in Children and Families, and also addictions. There are free mental health clinics in nearly every city and town of this country - seek one out. They will be non-profits (even Catholic Charities has excellent non-religious practitioners). Do a simple search for "Community Mental Health Clinics" (or might be called "Community Behavioral Health" or some other similar name.

They will offer you service based on your income - if you have none, or simply can't afford it, they will STILL treat you, and there are VERY GOOD Clinical Psychotherapists/Counselors at these non-profits.

Please don't discount this idea...many people are unaware that such help is available, or don't "trust" the practiitoners. I can assure you, however, that those places have licensed, experienced people at the helm, and even if you are put in contact with an intern, they work UNDER SUPERVISION and ALL take their cases to their Supervisors for guidance.

That said, not ALL COUNSELORS are good, nor are all good counselors good matches for ALL CLIENTS. If you don't trust the counselor, if they try to "cure" you rather than looking at it as a "team effort" to help you achieve YOUR GOALS, then find someone else (this is why I stress Clinical Social Workers as opposed to Psychologists - they are trained differently: CSW does not try to "cure" a "patient" - they work to empower and educate and guide the client after the CLIENT decides how they want things to be. A psychologist will use the "medical model" - that they are the EXPERT and you are DEFECTIVE. CSW's again - see you as a CLIENT who is the EXPERT ON YOURSELF, and capable of establishing your OWN GOALS, and helps you to achieve those goals.)

Best of luck to you, dear. My daughter is your age, and even thinking of her dealing with such a horror-house breaks my heart.

I bet your parents will be happy for you and proud of you for being so resilient, but again, you need to understand the dynamics of your family before you can start to extract yourself from it emotionally. Physically is easier, but even then, you'll have scars worth tending to.

I wish you well, whatever you decide to do. Remember that since YOU appear to be of sound mind, you are an example of the beautiful resilience that is possible for people surrounded by the direst circumstances - they can flourish anyway.




posted on Mar, 19 2013 @ 08:52 AM
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reply to post by Phoenix267
 


I understand what you're going through, I've been in this same boat with my sister for years. She is literally bleeding my mother dry financially as well as emotionally. Here's what I came to realize. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do. I don't say that to be dismissive or callous, it's simply the truth. You cannot force an addict to get help just as you cannot force your parents not to be enablers. If at all possible, remove yourself from the situation as completely as possible. It's the only way to reclaim your life as well as your sanity.



posted on Mar, 19 2013 @ 11:41 AM
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Originally posted by Murgatroid
Have you spoken to God about it?

He's much better at dealing with problems than any one else I know...




An attempt at trying to convert someone when they feel down and vulnerable, it's exactly how the church works.

Get em' when they're down or get em' when they're young, eh'?



posted on Mar, 19 2013 @ 12:24 PM
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Originally posted by 0rbital
An attempt at trying to convert someone when they feel down and vulnerable, it's exactly how the church works.

Get em' when they're down or get em' when they're young, eh'?

You've confused Religion with God.

They are OPPOSITES.

God HATES Religion.

Why?

His enemy is behind it.


"...in the Old Testament, God actually calls religious people whores" ~ Jefferson Bethke



posted on Mar, 20 2013 @ 03:47 AM
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Just for fun... a little well placed passive aggression. For example, when they all start clashing, go turn the heat up, literally. Discreetly turn the thermostat up just enough to make the house uncomfortable, then leave. Slam the door on your way out. Vanish for a few hours. Each time. Never know what will happen but it might be interesting to find out.

Seriously though, I'm going parrot some of what others have said but I'll try to keep it original.

Deal with it by removing yourself from the situation. It might be a hard road to travel, but are you not presently traveling a hard road? Your place, your rules. None of this will matter anymore. It can be done.

Sounds like even if your brothers cleaned up they would probably still be d-bags. They may need some professional council. Let it be known that the behavior is not 'normal' or tolerated by refusing to participate and by reacting to it with indignation. Otherwise you become an enabler, like your parents.

If your friends won't contact you, then try contacting them. They might be busy or rarely want to leave the comfort of home if they are places of refuge. Nothing says you gotta move in with them, but if they are your friends then they will understand if you need a place to ride out a storm, or to just chill for the night. Have dinner with a happy family to gain some perspective... and a few moments of peace.

Find a cozy bar or coffee shop with decent food and a relaxed atmosphere, you may find yourself surrounded by people with similar stories willing to commiserate over a few pints and a plate of nachos.

You are the only thing that you can change about your situation.
Good luck.

edit on 20/3/13 by SlackOps because: (no reason given)
edit on 20/3/13 by SlackOps because: (no reason given)



posted on Mar, 20 2013 @ 04:39 AM
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reply to post by Phoenix267
 


Sometimes you just have to realize you cannot do anything about it and lead your own lives... Trust me when i say that...personal experience...



posted on Mar, 20 2013 @ 04:45 AM
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reply to post by maddy21
 


Thanks for the reply. Sorry for the delay. I've been slacking off, but I thank everyone for taking the time in wanting to offer advice to me.



posted on Mar, 20 2013 @ 05:13 AM
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reply to post by Phoenix267
 

I'm sorry for your family problems. I've only read your opening post, but the best I can say is get away from them and make a good life for yourself.

If at some point you become strong enough or successful enough and want to help both your folks and addicted siblings you can give it a shot. Just like they say on the aircraft when the oxygen mask are deployed you must first put your own mask on prior to assisting those not as capable as yourself.



posted on Mar, 20 2013 @ 01:07 PM
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reply to post by Phoenix267
 


Families are crazy. They can hit you where it hurts most. Sometimes, all you can do is sit back and let it all happen. When dealing with drug addicts, you are dealing with liars-that is-the addiction. Just let them know that if they ever need help cleaning up their life that you will be with them every step of the way, otherwise, you're sitting out and observing. You cannot control things that are out of your control. I know, because I'm a control freak, but I've learnt that sometimes you just have to take a step back and let it all happen. When they hit bottom, that's the only time you will be able to help. Addiction is a brutal, sad thing.



posted on Mar, 21 2013 @ 05:39 PM
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Originally posted by Murgatroid

Originally posted by 0rbital
An attempt at trying to convert someone when they feel down and vulnerable, it's exactly how the church works.

Get em' when they're down or get em' when they're young, eh'?

You've confused Religion with God.

They are OPPOSITES.

God HATES Religion.

Why?

His enemy is behind it.


"...in the Old Testament, God actually calls religious people whores" ~ Jefferson Bethke




Starred you for that post, I've long maintained that people don't have to take on religious trappings in order to believe in God, a relationship with such a creator would deserve a dignity not present in mainstream religions.

OP, genuinley hope things get better for you.





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