My story

I think that sometimes it's really easy for people to be either confused or uncertain of me so I figure that airing some of my personal experience might clarify (or further muddle) things.. Then again, maybe the feeling that people are uncertain of me is just paranoia, lol, I also have a need for sharing my story, in at least, a small bit so that perhaps somewhere somebody can understand that other's lives may have had their lives been made to be, perhaps deliberately, confusing. Some might think I'm mad and I wouldn't blame them. I struggled with that thought myself until the discovery of something that eradicated all hope that a pill could save me.

For starters, I am an amnesiac and have dissociative disorder. Nearly the entirety of my childhood was obliterated. After years of therapy in trying to both undo the amnesia and help me deal with the possible restoration of memory, I spent a long time waiting for my memory to return either in its predicted flood or trickle. The condition in which one has such diffuse amnesia creates a rather anachronistic existence. There are many things that I knew how to do but had no recollection of ever learning them. Obvious ones would be like knowing how to tie my shoes. Not so obvious were the ones that startled me, like being an exceptional marksman at both archery and guns when I had zero recollection of learning either and being raised in a family with a very apparent lack of either. With a lack of memory, it can create an extreme anachronism in these kind of circumstances as it was slightly troubling and baffling that I just filed away into my mental "peculiar" file to be re-examined at a later date. My own family, of which they are, in fact, my family, has not been helpful in attempting to retrieve memories. Instead, they opted to further muddle and delay recollection by doing such things as removing childhood photos that could trigger recollection and many lies about things that should not have been lied about. For example, I recollected that my mother had long brown hair when I was a child and was really excited about having remembered something. My own mother told me that she never had long brown hair and that I wasn't remembering properly. It wasn't until this last year, when after 30 years, I started remembering that I discovered the missing childhood photos which featured my mom with long brown hair. I've come to the realization, through seeking out evidence of those little things that they repeated over and over again, that the majority of what my parents told me was chock full of lies. Massive discontinuities.

At this point, it'd be very reasonable to assume that I just had tremendously crappy parents and without a doubt, that is very true. However, there are other aspects of this conundrum that take it well beyond my parents and I can't even begin to try to explain them all. I have been spending months trying to assess what is natural about me and what may be unnatural. My family had a very significant military tie (mentioned it previously in other post) and I don't know if that aspect even played a role in my formation. What I do know is that what I found is outside of just having crappy parents. In my hunts for missing information in my parents' home, I came across a very peculiar and disturbing tape with the name of a neuropsychiatrist and former associate dean of a good sized medical university on the typed label. It is a subliminal tape beyond a doubt and not of the typical store bought variety that would've been popular at the time. I do have the audio file of the tape online but I'm very loathe to give the link because I really don't know what it's purpose is.

For the record, I was a debunker and apologist. Now that some of this stuff has hit directly home for me, my attitude has changed in that there are some things that have been potentially done that are perhaps unimaginable. I make no claim of being anything special. If anything, my more peculiar recollections are of chronic failure. I was in a specialized education program as a kid but I significantly doubt that that was necessarily related. All I know is that I found something very foul in my life in conjunction with diffuse and peculiar anachronism and the process of this uncovering has altered my view of the world and self permanently. I will say one more thing and that is, although this would not be the first time that I mentioned the existence of the tape that I have in my possession and it's highly disturbing nature, I still haven't had any unusual cars parked on my street or anybody knocking on my door. What I have seen is people who were once friends of mine run for the hills out of pure terror for fear of such a thing occurring to them. Not cool.

I read the OP but it didnt make much sense to me, why or what do you feel people have wrong about you?

What do you feel your parents are trying to hide from you?

It seemed like the main point of the thread was to get the mention of the tape in there, cmon dude spill the beans, give us some more info and a link to the audio

Originally posted by IkNOwSTuff
I read the OP but it didnt make much sense to me, why or what do you feel people have wrong about you?

What do you feel your parents are trying to hide from you?

It seemed like the main point of the thread was to get the mention of the tape in there, cmon dude spill the beans, give us some more info and a link to the audio

Sorry about that. It's just that sometimes I feel like I put people off. Probably doesn't help in that I actually have had a lot people absolutely run from me once I tell them that something is very off in my life, lol. I emphasized the tape for the purpose as it is the evidence that something abhorrently abnormal occurred with me in at least my teen years.

I honestly don't know what to think of it all or even what was done. I am not normal, never have been. Always was very painfully aware of that on a social level (I'm very clinical). If I sound obtuse about it, it's because of that not knowing what is me and what isn't. I've spent the last year trying to comprehend that one because there are strong anachronisms within me. The gun/archery is one. I was instantly top of the class for hand to hand combat but I don't know if that's just because it was a natural fit for me (not so much anymore). I have had sociological subjects kind of embedded in me along with philosophical theories that I thought were my own. The way that I thought even was highly structured and even my past times are slightly odd in that I have always been a large scale listener and observer utilizing game theory. There is peculiarities in regards to things like being able to write with both hands concurrently and doing so with each hand writing something different. I know that my mother had a prenatal injection of hormones while pregnant with me and that the result of that was subtle and internal congenital defects. Weird things like flashing lights absolutely traumatize me. Basically, there's a whole lot of oddness and I don't know what adds up with what. Sometimes, I feel like a failed science experiment. I'm very concerned about false memory issues for the record. However, the tape was crushing and it is something that I can hold in my hands and know that something went incredibly wrong. I don't know who did what. If I sound confusing in my OP then it's because I am confused, lol. I don't know if up is up anymore to be quite frank.

I will link one of the tracks from the tape as it is the best in which you can hear him. It is not the opening track not that I imagine it could hypnotize anybody. It's pretty awful on the ears. I'm really loathe to link it and urge caution. I did have a friend of mine who was a psychologist check it out and he considers it dangerous. A few audio junkies have tried cracking it with no luck as it is apparently recorded all as one unit in mono. Just do so with caution to be on the safe side. It has been attempted several times with zero luck so far. The doctor who made this tape was a neuropsychiatrist.

soundcloud.com...

The link seemed to be a music track

In regards to your post, define normal LOL

Very few people are "normal" when you get to know them fully, May I reccommend you check out a thread on here titled the waiting game, it may be of some interest to you.

As for the rest, it sounds like you were either born with or somehow given quite a few gifts and abilities. Are you putting any of them to good use?

reply to post by IkNOwSTuff


You didn't hear it then. Some people can't for whatever reason but a whole lot can hear him. It is a music track. It's what is under the track that makes it abnormal. You might want to try listening to the original song (Tango in the Night by Fleetwood Mac) to comprehend the difference. The talking in the quiet portions is not a part of the original song. There are a total of two foreign auditory elements to the original track.

I was identified as gifted as a kid. Whether I've put those gifts to good use or not, I have no clue. Kind of a subjective determination on what is "good" there.

Edit: Actually, did it even play for you? The title was just what my computer auto-named it. I just tried listening to the first section and it wouldn't play for me (not supposed to listen to it myself). Let me know if the link is broken and I will upload it again.

reply to post by WhiteAlice


Are you pretending to be Jason Bourne? From the movies?
Or are you implying you are an MK Ultra Victim?

reply to post by wagtail


Neither to be honest. Was half expecting that. On the contrary, I'm fundamentally flawed. I'm definitely out of time range to have had anything to do with MK. It's like I said, I honestly do not know what occurred.

Did you even listen to the recording? Did it work? Any explanations for it?

Hey WhiteAlice,just posting to offer some support.It does sound like weird and irregular stuff happened in your childhood/youth. Same here,i have reason to believe that strange things happened to me,i too had crappy parents(well not my dad so much,but it did'nt help that he chose a job which ensured that he was almost never home) and im afraid to say that my adoptive mom,despite some redeeming qualities,was not fit to be a parent to anyone,as her 2 sons were proof for all to see.I felt sad for them when i became a parent myself,broken,frightened angry people they were-and whatever she did,prevented them both from forming meaningful relationships.The oldest died at around age 60 without ever having even one date or relationship,the other may still be alive,i wouldnt know,but he too was messed up badly,a hostile alcoholic.I live in South Africa,so there was'nt any MK Ultra/military or that type of involvement,but something was'nt right-in fact as a young child,i found a diary-type book referring to me,much like an observation-log,including the words "She must never be allowed to know" When i was in my teens,she denied this book ever existed.She got me hooked on tranquilisers in my early teens,another thing she denied years later.I have some disturbing memories of bizarre happenings in my childhood,inexplicable things.Something was very off,thats for sure.I guess i just wanted to say hang in there,and bless you.Living in nature and surrounded by animals will always bring "realness" to your life,btw,and there are people out there with integrity and kindness in them.Another thing-don't worry too much if people seem to not take to you so well in general-with time ive come to learn that this is not necessarily a bad thing.

reply to post by Raxoxane


Thank you, Raxoxane. Truly appreciate you chiming in. I think that people have a tendency of making two different kind of mistakes when it comes to the abnormal--1. that because they did not experience it themselves, it must not have occurred and 2. that compartmentalizing them is the way to go. It never makes any sense to me because my childhood experience was extraordinarily messed up in many ways but I know that there are kids out there right now who have it a thousand times worse than I did and probably in unimaginable ways. Like you, I make no claim that the government did it--I just don't know who did what and things like the tape and a few other things are deeply troubling because it goes outside logic and rationality that they should have possessed such an unethical thing. The only theory that I have is that, because I was identified as a gifted child, I ended up getting pushed by everybody else's whim and desires to an extreme. My grandpa was a chief of staff so you bet he's most likely responsible for the more militaristic pushes. If I can remember being drilled on stances and having to learn how to make a bed so a quarter bounces off of it at a young age now, then it's logical that he ingrained other things in me. I don't know what is related to what or who. I think overall there were too many chefs and it broke the pot. Wouldn't be the first time that happened. Overall, I'm saying mea culpa. The first to respond wanted to know why I emphasized the tape. I emphasize it because that is the important thing. Jon Ronson talked about the potential existence of an actual subliminal tape underneath lyrical pop music and how nobody seemed to have one. Well that's what that tape is. Ronson's "holy grail" crafted by a neuropsychiatrist and former associate dean. It's my gift and my apology.

And thank you so much for your words of advice. That's actually what I've been trying to do. When I'm surrounded by nature, animals and my loved ones, it makes everything okay and like you said "real". I think that's the hardest thing for people to understand--what such an existence does to a person. When your life has been surreal, it's deeply unsettling. Those things that don't lie, conspire, or cover things up become the inevitable cornerstones in one's life. It's the only way to survive. Hang in there to you, too. I believe you because I went through that similar bizarre mess of a childhood. I know it's possible.

reply to post by WhiteAlice


#. i listened to the track you linked to and it creeped me out.
he says""it doesnt make any difference.. but the experience muust...might be something big,...might be something small, might be something.." and the music starts and after that i cant really make out anything anymore.
in a different recording i saw on the page, i heard him say "almost there, 1..."

the hell did you find this??? you deserve some answers from your parents!!

reply to post by Kryscent


We were able to isolate his voice down to hear more of it. It's problematic because of that kind of movie sound that is also underneath it all. It's very close in frequency to the doctor's voice and muffling that eliminates his voice, too. I think it was around 250 on FL studio or somewhere thereabouts. What we ended up getting from that song (quietest song on the entire tape) was this after our "best shot":

doesn't make any difference what the experience was....might be something big, might be something small..might be something...something..it doesn't matter. absolutely related to...your job...or school......personal experience...get into as deeply as possible...what were you wearing? ...recall it as vividly as you can...just bury it...the pride...the justified pride that you have...this is power...it's good.

It is creepy as hell and as the target of the tape, working on it was very unhealthy for me. The tape was hidden in my mother's house along with some other of my childhood things including a letter I had written to a friend. In that letter, I had told this friend what had been occurring and she made sure it never reached its recipient. I can only imagine that the hidden stash was left for me for a later date out of guilt and that she never would have imagined that I would find it prematurely. I have the tape well hidden so it can never disappear again. I will never get those answers. Trust me, I've tried to an extreme. Whatever was going on, I'll never know for sure. Hell of a cruelty really. There is an imgur link in the comments that shows the tape itself including the doctor's name on it. It's not the greatest quality picture because the white typed sticker tended to glare but you can see his name. I'm loathe to say it outright because I have no clue what kind of person this was and I also know where his son works. That'd be playing with fire.

reply to post by WhiteAlice

Thank you WA.I really do wish you well,and peace+ happiness for the present and future.

reply to post by WhiteAlice


So, what did the letter say that you wrote to your childhood friend?

Originally posted by Deetermined
reply to post by WhiteAlice

 

So, what did the letter say that you wrote to your childhood friend?

That I was being heavily drugged by my family and more. I had forgotten the letter entirely though I always remembered that I never heard from the friend again and felt grief from it. It was kind of sad to read it some 25 years later because I was so complacent about the whole thing in the letter and trying to be upbeat though there was clearly some distress in it as well. That's the thing that irks me the most was that they had me so manipulated that I was so complacent. Then again, I try to apply the principle of charity to myself in reminding myself that these were my parents doing this and had been probably engaging in these kind of activities since I was a young child. It was my "normal". Make sense? I eventually attempted suicide a few months after the date of the letter and, through routine hospitalization, the scandal of my being heavily drugged did arise after evaluation. I was told by hospital staff that the levels of drugs that I was on, for no apparent reason, exceeded dosages that were given to the hospitalized mentally insane. I was literally reduced to a drooling zombie. My mother was urged by the hospital to sue the prescribing doctor and attempt to have his license revoked but, no great surprise, she opted not to. For the record, the only issues that they found was dissociation (presumed due to longstanding abuse) and issues with insomnia. The depression and resulting suicide attempt was correlated with the drugs that I was inappropriately on to be absolutely clear. It was really interesting to hear that tape after so many years. That's the one thing that is peculiar about what its apparent intent is (hypnosis induction) because listening to it, one is more likely to just be thoroughly creeped out and unsettled than be put into a relaxed hypnotic state. So really, imagine being heavily dosed on a massive psychiatric drug cocktail and listening to it. Based on that one track, it sounds like the intention was to purge my memory, which it most likely did considering that I have amnesia. I just can't remember what it was that I was supposed to forget.

reply to post by WhiteAlice


So, what are your thoughts on the doctor? Do you think he was into some kind of Satanic occult practices in his work? Do you think your parents were in on it too or do you think they were oblivious?

Originally posted by Deetermined
reply to post by WhiteAlice

 

So, what are your thoughts on the doctor? Do you think he was into some kind of Satanic occult practices in his work? Do you think your parents were in on it too or do you think they were oblivious?

I have no idea what to make of the doctor. I only found one published paper by him on Google scholar and that was his thesis from 1958. His experimentation was on evoked and spontaneous brain activity in cats--obviously living cats. The combination of the tape and the thesis paper subject are a tad unsettling. I don't see him as a "nice guy". Considering that is the only paper by him that I found, it really makes me wonder just how he got the position he did. I would imagine that if someone was an associate dean of a medical school/research hospital, they would have had more papers published but all I could find was his thesis. I find that peculiar.

My parents were definitely in on it. They were the ones acquiring the medicines, administering them, and also playing the tapes. I distinctly recall my mother coming into my room and starting these tapes in the evenings when it was time for me to go to sleep. (There is at least one more tape that was used but I was unable to locate that one.) She was absolutely complicit and may have very well been the initiator. Trying to comprehend how she managed to get this particular tape is really difficult because the tape would have been deemed unethical at the time of its creation because of that combination of lyrics and subliminal hypnotic induction and its apparent manufacturer was an associate dean. That's weird. My mother was not really a person who would have held that much sway in society but her father did hold such a position. My grandfather was a former chief of staff in the military and was consistently bragging about being able to pull strings up until his death. She would have had cause to try to purge my memory (extraordinarily abusive) and he was highly defensive of her. I know this for a fact as I went to him for help with her and when I told him about what she was doing prior to this, he struck me across the face and called me a liar. My going theory is that he abused his power from his former position to do what was done to me in an attempt to cover up his daughter's failings. His position in the military and security clearance may have very well exposed him to research in these kind of things. On a conspiratorial note, he did spend a good deal of time, according to some of his home movies, in Texas and some of his footage is very clearly of Randolph AFB with its iconic Spanish style in architecture. If there is any truth to this kind of research occurring within the military and where it was supposed to have occurred, the link between my mother having this kind of tape and my grandfather makes it very possible that what is alleged by conspiracy theories on subliminal hypnosis inductions may be very well true. Hard to say.

To prove what I'm saying about his position in the military, this is his heavily redacted (to remove pertinent identifying information to remain on the "safe side") AF-11: i.imgur.com...

This is really fascinating WhiteAlice. I'm not sure how to process this, but I too have fuzzy memories of something being done to me while very young, and although both of my parents were complicit, they were not the guiding force. Both parents were extremely abusive. My mother has admitted that "something was done to me" but won't expound upon the matter. However, I have moments of clarity, where the memory is clear and I'm left horrified. Just as quickly as the memory surfaced, it was gone. It's like trying to remember a dream once it's decided to return to dreamland.

Although I've no recollection of being medicated or required to listen to particular audio recordings, I do have the distinct memory of people coming to our house asking about me. It was all done in the spirit of fun, but the last time they were at my house I was about twelve and I finally asked them why they were there and they left after some quietly polite goodbyes. I'm hopeful that once my parents have passed on that I'll find information pertaining to these memories. But perhaps I was simply adopted and all of my other gut feelings about this tawdry situation are patently wrong. I've heard many abused children fantasize that their "parents" aren't their actual parents as a way to cope with the abuse, comforting themselves with the knowledge that their "real" parents wouldn't dream of behaving in such a way.

reply to post by WhiteAlice


To cover up his daughter's failings? What do you mean?

It sounds like a cycle of abuse that's been handed down to me. I bet your mother was abused too, by your grandfather.

reply to post by chasingbrahman


I actually had a similar response. One of thet hings that I was lied to about was a claimed non-existence of a birth certificate. Considering that part of their lies was also in regards to places that I had lived and their behavior, I actually thought that perhaps I was a stolen child, which was kind of illogical considering that my mother informed me of the injection that caused the congenital birth defects. If she wasn't my mother, how would she know that one? But when I investigated the matter of my birth, the state in which I was born did become very interested and the adoptive research services did investigate to verify the validity of my birth information on record. They actually told me that "unfortunately" my parents do seem to be my actual birth parents. Kind of funny and sad in a way--think they were hoping for a happy ending too, as in that I had a real family somewhere missing me, from the sounds of it. So, just saying, don't get your hopes up if you choose to investigate that route. I'm basically stuck with knowing that my actual flesh and blood behaved the way they did with me and that hurts.

My memories are highly fractured. I do know what you're talking about as far as that remember/forget/dream like sensation. When I start to recollect things that are very dark, I literally click off. The entire recollection process is cut short. I don't know if that is because of the tape or ???. Similarly, though, I do know that my mother voiced concerns about some 'them" taking me away and making me disappear and it was abundantly clear that it wasn't CPS that she was afraid of. CPS did get involved at one time after my school reported possible abuse but they backed off very rapidly. I always considered her paranoia of some phantom "them" at the time to be a symptom of a mental issue such as paranoid schizophrenia. The issue with that is the fact that she has managed very well in maintaining employment in very good jobs over long periods of time, her hygiene and more. If my grandfather was, in fact, the primary source of the tape and more, it almost makes me wonder what he could have potentially done to his own daughter and if that's what triggered her paranoia. I've been trying really hard to fathom all of this in context with the weirdness of my family and find some logical explanation. It's hard.

Originally posted by Deetermined
reply to post by WhiteAlice

 

To cover up his daughter's failings? What do you mean?

It sounds like a cycle of abuse that's been handed down to me. I bet your mother was abused too, by your grandfather.

My grandfather was extraordinarily tough and had extremely high expectations of his children and grandchildren. More than once, we all failed him at some point or the other because the bar was set so high. This is the same man who was trying to teach a child (me) how to make a bed so that a quarter could bounce off of it and to this day, my posture is pure military because of his drills. That was me as his granddaughter. I cannot even imagine what it must've been like for my mother. My name on ATS is actually from one of the very few stories that my mother shared with me about growing up under my grandfather and his position in the military. Definite cycle of abuse but with the twist of what that cycle of abuse looks like when you have somebody in a position of military power. There was no line between family and military for any of us and god forbid if somebody broke rank. My grandmother did once and the end result was massive EST. The irony is that we all forgave him for that and accepted his version of it. Sometimes I'll still talk about him with affection and I'd say that it's pure Stockholm Syndrome on all of our parts.

My mother is infinitely fractured whose minimum issue would be PTSD--that's her "failing". She outright broke. It took me a very long time to comprehend the deepness to it. I count myself lucky for surviving what I did as well as I have. I could've turned out like her.