posted on Mar, 11 2013 @ 05:16 PM
I think that sometimes it's really easy for people to be either confused or uncertain of me so I figure that airing some of my personal experience
might clarify (or further muddle) things.. Then again, maybe the feeling that people are uncertain of me is just paranoia, lol, I also have a need
for sharing my story, in at least, a small bit so that perhaps somewhere somebody can understand that other's lives may have had their lives been
made to be, perhaps deliberately, confusing. Some might think I'm mad and I wouldn't blame them. I struggled with that thought myself until the
discovery of something that eradicated all hope that a pill could save me.
For starters, I am an amnesiac and have dissociative disorder. Nearly the entirety of my childhood was obliterated. After years of therapy in trying
to both undo the amnesia and help me deal with the possible restoration of memory, I spent a long time waiting for my memory to return either in its
predicted flood or trickle. The condition in which one has such diffuse amnesia creates a rather anachronistic existence. There are many things that
I knew how to do but had no recollection of ever learning them. Obvious ones would be like knowing how to tie my shoes. Not so obvious were the ones
that startled me, like being an exceptional marksman at both archery and guns when I had zero recollection of learning either and being raised in a
family with a very apparent lack of either. With a lack of memory, it can create an extreme anachronism in these kind of circumstances as it was
slightly troubling and baffling that I just filed away into my mental "peculiar" file to be re-examined at a later date. My own family, of which
they are, in fact, my family, has not been helpful in attempting to retrieve memories. Instead, they opted to further muddle and delay recollection
by doing such things as removing childhood photos that could trigger recollection and many lies about things that should not have been lied about.
For example, I recollected that my mother had long brown hair when I was a child and was really excited about having remembered something. My own
mother told me that she never had long brown hair and that I wasn't remembering properly. It wasn't until this last year, when after 30 years, I
started remembering that I discovered the missing childhood photos which featured my mom with long brown hair. I've come to the realization, through
seeking out evidence of those little things that they repeated over and over again, that the majority of what my parents told me was chock full of
lies. Massive discontinuities.
At this point, it'd be very reasonable to assume that I just had tremendously crappy parents and without a doubt, that is very true. However, there
are other aspects of this conundrum that take it well beyond my parents and I can't even begin to try to explain them all. I have been spending
months trying to assess what is natural about me and what may be unnatural. My family had a very significant military tie (mentioned it previously in
other post) and I don't know if that aspect even played a role in my formation. What I do know is that what I found is outside of just having crappy
parents. In my hunts for missing information in my parents' home, I came across a very peculiar and disturbing tape with the name of a
neuropsychiatrist and former associate dean of a good sized medical university on the typed label. It is a subliminal tape beyond a doubt and not of
the typical store bought variety that would've been popular at the time. I do have the audio file of the tape online but I'm very loathe to give
the link because I really don't know what it's purpose is.
For the record, I was a debunker and apologist. Now that some of this stuff has hit directly home for me, my attitude has changed in that there are
some things that have been potentially done that are perhaps unimaginable. I make no claim of being anything special. If anything, my more peculiar
recollections are of chronic failure. I was in a specialized education program as a kid but I significantly doubt that that was necessarily related.
All I know is that I found something very foul in my life in conjunction with diffuse and peculiar anachronism and the process of this uncovering has
altered my view of the world and self permanently. I will say one more thing and that is, although this would not be the first time that I mentioned
the existence of the tape that I have in my possession and it's highly disturbing nature, I still haven't had any unusual cars parked on my street
or anybody knocking on my door. What I have seen is people who were once friends of mine run for the hills out of pure terror for fear of such a
thing occurring to them. Not cool.