I think that sometimes it's really easy for people to be either confused or uncertain of me so I figure that airing some of my personal experience might clarify (or further muddle) things.. Then again, maybe the feeling that people are uncertain of me is just paranoia, lol, I also have a need for sharing my story, in at least, a small bit so that perhaps somewhere somebody can understand that other's lives may have had their lives been made to be, perhaps deliberately, confusing. Some might think I'm mad and I wouldn't blame them. I struggled with that thought myself until the discovery of something that eradicated all hope that a pill could save me.

For starters, I am an amnesiac and have dissociative disorder. Nearly the entirety of my childhood was obliterated. After years of therapy in trying to both undo the amnesia and help me deal with the possible restoration of memory, I spent a long time waiting for my memory to return either in its predicted flood or trickle. The condition in which one has such diffuse amnesia creates a rather anachronistic existence. There are many things that I knew how to do but had no recollection of ever learning them. Obvious ones would be like knowing how to tie my shoes. Not so obvious were the ones that startled me, like being an exceptional marksman at both archery and guns when I had zero recollection of learning either and being raised in a family with a very apparent lack of either. With a lack of memory, it can create an extreme anachronism in these kind of circumstances as it was slightly troubling and baffling that I just filed away into my mental "peculiar" file to be re-examined at a later date. My own family, of which they are, in fact, my family, has not been helpful in attempting to retrieve memories. Instead, they opted to further muddle and delay recollection by doing such things as removing childhood photos that could trigger recollection and many lies about things that should not have been lied about. For example, I recollected that my mother had long brown hair when I was a child and was really excited about having remembered something. My own mother told me that she never had long brown hair and that I wasn't remembering properly. It wasn't until this last year, when after 30 years, I started remembering that I discovered the missing childhood photos which featured my mom with long brown hair. I've come to the realization, through seeking out evidence of those little things that they repeated over and over again, that the majority of what my parents told me was chock full of lies. Massive discontinuities.

At this point, it'd be very reasonable to assume that I just had tremendously crappy parents and without a doubt, that is very true. However, there are other aspects of this conundrum that take it well beyond my parents and I can't even begin to try to explain them all. I have been spending months trying to assess what is natural about me and what may be unnatural. My family had a very significant military tie (mentioned it previously in other post) and I don't know if that aspect even played a role in my formation. What I do know is that what I found is outside of just having crappy parents. In my hunts for missing information in my parents' home, I came across a very peculiar and disturbing tape with the name of a neuropsychiatrist and former associate dean of a good sized medical university on the typed label. It is a subliminal tape beyond a doubt and not of the typical store bought variety that would've been popular at the time. I do have the audio file of the tape online but I'm very loathe to give the link because I really don't know what it's purpose is.

For the record, I was a debunker and apologist. Now that some of this stuff has hit directly home for me, my attitude has changed in that there are some things that have been potentially done that are perhaps unimaginable. I make no claim of being anything special. If anything, my more peculiar recollections are of chronic failure. I was in a specialized education program as a kid but I significantly doubt that that was necessarily related. All I know is that I found something very foul in my life in conjunction with diffuse and peculiar anachronism and the process of this uncovering has altered my view of the world and self permanently. I will say one more thing and that is, although this would not be the first time that I mentioned the existence of the tape that I have in my possession and it's highly disturbing nature, I still haven't had any unusual cars parked on my street or anybody knocking on my door. What I have seen is people who were once friends of mine run for the hills out of pure terror for fear of such a thing occurring to them. Not cool.

I read the OP but it didnt make much sense to me, why or what do you feel people have wrong about you?

What do you feel your parents are trying to hide from you?

It seemed like the main point of the thread was to get the mention of the tape in there, cmon dude spill the beans, give us some more info and a link to the audio

The link seemed to be a music track

In regards to your post, define normal LOL

Very few people are "normal" when you get to know them fully, May I reccommend you check out a thread on here titled the waiting game, it may be of some interest to you.

As for the rest, it sounds like you were either born with or somehow given quite a few gifts and abilities. Are you putting any of them to good use?

Hey WhiteAlice,just posting to offer some support.It does sound like weird and irregular stuff happened in your childhood/youth. Same here,i have reason to believe that strange things happened to me,i too had crappy parents(well not my dad so much,but it did'nt help that he chose a job which ensured that he was almost never home) and im afraid to say that my adoptive mom,despite some redeeming qualities,was not fit to be a parent to anyone,as her 2 sons were proof for all to see.I felt sad for them when i became a parent myself,broken,frightened angry people they were-and whatever she did,prevented them both from forming meaningful relationships.The oldest died at around age 60 without ever having even one date or relationship,the other may still be alive,i wouldnt know,but he too was messed up badly,a hostile alcoholic.I live in South Africa,so there was'nt any MK Ultra/military or that type of involvement,but something was'nt right-in fact as a young child,i found a diary-type book referring to me,much like an observation-log,including the words "She must never be allowed to know" When i was in my teens,she denied this book ever existed.She got me hooked on tranquilisers in my early teens,another thing she denied years later.I have some disturbing memories of bizarre happenings in my childhood,inexplicable things.Something was very off,thats for sure.I guess i just wanted to say hang in there,and bless you.Living in nature and surrounded by animals will always bring "realness" to your life,btw,and there are people out there with integrity and kindness in them.Another thing-don't worry too much if people seem to not take to you so well in general-with time ive come to learn that this is not necessarily a bad thing.

This is really fascinating WhiteAlice. I'm not sure how to process this, but I too have fuzzy memories of something being done to me while very young, and although both of my parents were complicit, they were not the guiding force. Both parents were extremely abusive. My mother has admitted that "something was done to me" but won't expound upon the matter. However, I have moments of clarity, where the memory is clear and I'm left horrified. Just as quickly as the memory surfaced, it was gone. It's like trying to remember a dream once it's decided to return to dreamland.

Although I've no recollection of being medicated or required to listen to particular audio recordings, I do have the distinct memory of people coming to our house asking about me. It was all done in the spirit of fun, but the last time they were at my house I was about twelve and I finally asked them why they were there and they left after some quietly polite goodbyes. I'm hopeful that once my parents have passed on that I'll find information pertaining to these memories. But perhaps I was simply adopted and all of my other gut feelings about this tawdry situation are patently wrong. I've heard many abused children fantasize that their "parents" aren't their actual parents as a way to cope with the abuse, comforting themselves with the knowledge that their "real" parents wouldn't dream of behaving in such a way.