A Discourse On My One Openly Admitted Weakness

So there's the bacon... A word that, for as long as I am a member of ATS, I will most likely be closely associated with. Then, for those who actually pay attention to my diatribes and madness, there are the frequent mentions of Sweet Baby Rays Barbecue sauce. Oh and been. I can't forget the beer. I'm fairly sure that at least one or two folks have Googled "Hefficide" and come across any number of pictures of a moderately acceptable looking, dark haired man holding or drinking a Heineken. These seem to be some of the product placement based associations that people online, and in real life, get of me quite often. Some deserved. Others really not so much.

For example, the bacon... A few years ago I used to spend a LOT of time in ATS chat and a bacon meme kind of developed there. If the truth be told, I honestly think it was JaxonRoberts who started it ( though I could be wrong - and he might have just been another link in the chain ). I just happened to be louder or faster on the keyboard and sort of fell into the whole bacon thing. Don't get me wrong. I love bacon! I eat it! Just not every day. Not even weekly. In fact, I will let the cat out of the bag and fess up... sausage is actually my favorite breakfast meat. Before you judge... there have been many occasions where the compliment to my sausage gravy based breakfast was a side of bacon... so it's not as bad as it seems.

As for the Sweet Baby Rays? Legitimate. I use it on burgers, pork chops, chicken, even pizza. At least three or four evening meals, each week, see me finding a way to incorporate some Sweet Baby Rays into it somehow. It's my ketchup basically.

The Heineken? The one that most of my real life friends of old and acquaintances would associate with me. While there was a time ( actually it was 26 straight years ) where I drank anywhere from 2 to 50 beers per night, nearly every night - I haven't had a single sip of beer in the past 3 or 4 years. From about 2001 or 2002 until 2008, or so, that beer choice was most almost exclusively Heineken. I loved it! It just happens that I woke up one day, years ago, and seemingly lost my taste for alcohol. No 12 step programs. No DT's. Just a sudden and rather inexplicable loss of interest in it. Maybe I reached my lifetime hangover limit... I don't know.

All of the above things, in the end, are things I could honestly do without. If I awoke tomorrow to a headline that read "Bacon, Sweet Baby Rays, and Heineken all banned!!!" - I'd be irked and agitated, but life would go on. I would adapt and find new favorites. After all, before bacon, beer, and bbq sauce, I had things I used to love and no longer really even remember. Spagettios is one that comes to mind. When I was about 8 they were manna... food from God. I'd have killed anyone who got between me and my 'Skettios. Now? Now I realize that they're slop. I adapted.

There is, however, one item that, if it were taken away from my life cycle, I would be absolutely crushed. In my area ( at least ) it is a seasonal delicacy that I can only partake in once per year. But this item literally defines an entire season for me.

I speak to you of Jolly Rancher jelly beans.

In this market they are only available for about a month preceding Easter. In past years I did get tempted and found that I could order them year round but the idea felt like cheating to me. I actually look forward to the late winter / early spring period because of Jolly Rancher jelly beans. It provides me with something to look forward to between Christmastime and my birthday in July. A period of time that used to be so barren of things to look forward to that I'd just eat barbecue sauce and bacon, washed down with copious amounts of beer - to keep the boredom from killing me. Now I have something to make an otherwise dreary season stand out!

For those who have never tasted these little flavor bombs of artificial fruity goodness? You are truly missing out. One cannot describe in mere words how darned good they are. When they are available I purchase them in 14 ounce bags ( the only size I am aware of them being sold in. If I ever happen across a 50 gallon drum size, I will mostly likely die of joy overdose on the spot ). Every so often I encounter a person who has never had one, and if I get them to try just one - they usually end up eating just about the entire bag. Even people, like me, who aren't big on sweets and candy, become jelly bean addicts instantly - zombies with only one drive and purpose... chew, swallow, refill mouth, chew, swallow, refill mouth again....

They are evil that way. In attempts to avoid eating so many that I give myself a stomach ache, I will try the kinds of tricks that we, as adults, utilize to reinforce our willpower. I'll store them in a room all the way across the house so that I have to get up and walk just to have one. This works with just about everything, I've found. The two exceptions... cigarettes and Jolly Rancher jelly beans. If there were hidden cameras in my house right now, they would probably suffice as the basis for a new hit reality TV show. Just video of me getting out of my chair - even out of bed - over and over again, walking down three flights of stairs, grabbing a few jelly beans, walking back to my room, while chewing... only to sit or lay back down for about five minutes before repeating the ritual.

I wonder if Dr Drew has a program for dealing with Jolly Rancher addiction?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've been typing for about ten minutes - and that means I am at least two trips behind on my jelly bean schedule.

~Heff

I do not buy Jolly rancher jelly beans any more.
If I did buy some, I would eat every last one of them without stopping.
They are that good.

I'm not a huge Jelly bean fan, but Jolly Rancher ones are the only ones I buy and they are the hubby's favorite too.

reply to post by Hefficide


Actually, I like the sweet tart jelly beans best. The jolly rancher ones are good too though. I does suck that they are only available this time of year.

On another note, I can't imagine ever waking up and having no more interest in beer! I'm 54 and have been drinking it for many years. I don't overdo it as badly these days as I did for much of my existence, but I still quite enjoy it.

reply to post by Hefficide


got to this part...

drinking a Heineken

Sorry man...but...that's such a [snip] beer Expensive and fancy looking, tasting more like water than beer...not a choice of a true drunkard

reply to post by MarioOnTheFly


I liked the taste and never really thought of beer as a man thing. When it came to getting drunk, grain alcohol, cheap vodka, copious amounts of 151 rum were my norms. Though later on my ex got me to like Crown Royal - as that was her beverage of choice.

I once made drinks from Golden Grain and Dr Pepper... down about ten of those and we'll talk manhood.

Just be warned... I named them "Dr Pukers" and they lived up to the moniker.

reply to post by Hefficide


hm...seems like it would be a challenge no doubt. Me...they don't call me at all...anymore...

I used to love a belgian beer called Crystal Alken. Never seen it in the uk. But i loved that beer. It was pure wonder. I could drink that until i turned white!. Now i hardly drink anything. I also awoke one morning around 10 years ago and threw my cigarettes in the bin. My love affair with them had ended. Now if only i could find another as enjoyable hobby

Just wondering, did any other members ever drink vodka all night with a Jolly Rancher candy in the bottom of the glass?

reply to post by butcherguy


HA!

I did it! With Smirnoff - Green Apple Jolly Rancher!

Soon after i tried it with Green Gummy Bear.

reply to post by Hefficide


I've discovered a weakness of mine just in the last three days. It's BREAD! Because of that pitiful snowstorm last Friday in New England, people went nuts and bought all the bread in the local stores. I couldn't even make a lunch for work today.

I love beans and hot dogs, but with four slices of bread and butter. Ramen noodles is fine without bread, but what a waste of the broth that I usually dip three slices into. What good is spaghetti without bread??? My favorite (easy) snack is peanutbutter sandwiches. What? Beef stew without bread and butter? Are you insane!

I want my bread!

Wouldn't another link in the old bacon chain be called a sausage?

Just putting it out there for clarity

Originally posted by luciddream
reply to post by butcherguy

 

HA!

I did it! With Smirnoff - Green Apple Jolly Rancher!

Soon after i tried it with Green Gummy Bear.

I'll have to try the Gummy Bear thing.

reply to post by Hefficide


I understand and sympathize. When I was kid growing up the jolly rancher "factory" was here in Colorado. You used to be able to go on tours, kind of like a brewery tour where after you were done they put you in a room and you got to sample some of the wares. It was a kids brewery tour. Love those things.

CJ

I completely sympathize with the sweet baby rays...my friend had me over for a barbecue years back and had this sauce on the ribs. I never even liked ribs until this encounter and afterward I was shamelessly hooked. I am a sweets addict, but the super sugary stuff was never my thing...no starburst, skittles, gummi's or jelly beans for me.

Until my husband suggested eating a blueberry one with a popcorn flavored one and suddenly something very primal occurred....I shifted through the bag eating up all the blueberry and popcorn beans until I had exterminated every single one. I felt a wave of grief as I looked upon the rest of the jelly beans knowing that I had purposefully targeted their brethren. I stepped away from the bag and vowed to never eat jelly beans again.

To this day I avoid jelly beans, only because I realize my problem is one of access. If I have access to them, I will commit jelly bean genocide without a single thought otherwise. Anything that addictive has to be stopped, or I would forgo regular food all together. I have been known in the past to subsist off oatmeal cream pies for months....this is not something I want to develop a habit for.

Oh, Heineken is something I cannot tolerate either, mostly because of a family friend who pretty much lived with us for several years. He drank heine's like water and the smell invaded our house. To this day anything or one associated with Heineken reminds me of him, and it is a bittersweet reminder of my great friend and how much I miss him in my life.

I prefer heffewiezen beer, especially "bananen weizen" it is a hefe mixed with banana nectar, or hefe's with fruit cocktail bits in the bottom....both delicious and sweet but not too sweet to take the bitter edge from the beer. I have never thought of putting jellybeans or gummi's in my beer though, I might have to experiment, but I will tell my hubby to hide the jellybeans, like I said....I am not looking to be a jelly bean "reoffender" any time soon