So there's the bacon... A word that, for as long as I am a member of ATS, I will most likely be closely associated with. Then, for those who actually
pay attention to my diatribes and madness, there are the frequent mentions of Sweet Baby Rays Barbecue sauce. Oh and been. I can't forget the beer.
I'm fairly sure that at least one or two folks have Googled "Hefficide" and come across any number of pictures of a moderately acceptable looking,
dark haired man holding or drinking a Heineken. These seem to be some of the product placement based associations that people online, and in real
life, get of me quite often. Some deserved. Others really not so much.
For example, the bacon... A few years ago I used to spend a LOT of time in ATS chat and a bacon meme kind of developed there. If the truth be told, I
honestly think it was JaxonRoberts who started it ( though I could be wrong - and he might have just been another link in the chain ). I just happened
to be louder or faster on the keyboard and sort of fell into the whole bacon thing. Don't get me wrong. I love bacon! I eat it! Just not every day.
Not even weekly. In fact, I will let the cat out of the bag and fess up... sausage is actually my favorite breakfast meat. Before you judge... there
have been many occasions where the compliment to my sausage gravy based breakfast was a side of bacon... so it's not as bad as it seems.
As for the Sweet Baby Rays? Legitimate. I use it on burgers, pork chops, chicken, even pizza. At least three or four evening meals, each week, see me
finding a way to incorporate some Sweet Baby Rays into it somehow. It's my ketchup basically.
The Heineken? The one that most of my real life friends of old and acquaintances would associate with me. While there was a time ( actually it was 26
straight years ) where I drank anywhere from 2 to 50 beers per night, nearly every night - I haven't had a single sip of beer in the past 3 or 4
years. From about 2001 or 2002 until 2008, or so, that beer choice was most almost exclusively Heineken. I loved it! It just happens that I woke up
one day, years ago, and seemingly lost my taste for alcohol. No 12 step programs. No DT's. Just a sudden and rather inexplicable loss of interest in
it. Maybe I reached my lifetime hangover limit... I don't know.
All of the above things, in the end, are things I could honestly do without. If I awoke tomorrow to a headline that read "Bacon, Sweet Baby Rays, and
Heineken all banned!!!" - I'd be irked and agitated, but life would go on. I would adapt and find new favorites. After all, before bacon, beer, and
bbq sauce, I had things I used to love and no longer really even remember. Spagettios is one that comes to mind. When I was about 8 they were manna...
food from God. I'd have killed anyone who got between me and my 'Skettios. Now? Now I realize that they're slop. I adapted.
There is, however, one item that, if it were taken away from my life cycle, I would be absolutely crushed. In my area ( at least ) it is a seasonal
delicacy that I can only partake in once per year. But this item literally defines an entire season for me.
I speak to you of Jolly Rancher jelly beans.
In this market they are only available for about a month preceding Easter. In past years I did get tempted and found that I could order them year
round but the idea felt like cheating to me. I actually look forward
to the late winter / early spring period because of Jolly Rancher jelly
beans. It provides me with something to look forward to between Christmastime and my birthday in July. A period of time that used to be so barren of
things to look forward to that I'd just eat barbecue sauce and bacon, washed down with copious amounts of beer - to keep the boredom from killing me.
Now I have something to make an otherwise dreary season stand out!
For those who have never tasted these little flavor bombs of artificial fruity goodness? You are truly missing out. One cannot describe in mere words
how darned good they are. When they are available I purchase them in 14 ounce bags ( the only size I am aware of them being sold in. If I ever happen
across a 50 gallon drum size, I will mostly likely die of joy overdose on the spot ). Every so often I encounter a person who has never had one, and
if I get them to try just one - they usually end up eating just about the entire bag. Even people, like me, who aren't big on sweets and candy, become
jelly bean addicts instantly - zombies with only one drive and purpose... chew, swallow, refill mouth, chew, swallow, refill mouth again....
They are evil that way. In attempts to avoid eating so many that I give myself a stomach ache, I will try the kinds of tricks that we, as adults,
utilize to reinforce our willpower. I'll store them in a room all the way across the house so that I have to get up and walk just to have one. This
works with just about everything, I've found. The two exceptions... cigarettes and Jolly Rancher jelly beans. If there were hidden cameras in my house
right now, they would probably suffice as the basis for a new hit reality TV show. Just video of me getting out of my chair - even out of bed - over
and over again, walking down three flights of stairs, grabbing a few jelly beans, walking back to my room, while chewing... only to sit or lay back
down for about five minutes before repeating the ritual.
I wonder if Dr Drew has a program for dealing with Jolly Rancher addiction?
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've been typing for about ten minutes - and that means I am at least two trips behind on my jelly bean schedule.
edit on 3/11/13 by Hefficide because: Typo