British humour

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posted on Mar, 8 2013 @ 11:01 AM
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Just received these from my dad,and thought I'd share them.
If any offend you I apologize in advance

Cody



Subject: More British humour


A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

A Muslim has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The British National Party's School of Diving said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.

Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50 a minute (charges may vary).

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him Bradford.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

Hope you had a chuckle

Cody
edit on 8/3/13 by cody599 because: Alien abduction whilst posting
edit on 8/3/13 by cody599 because: (no reason given)




posted on Mar, 8 2013 @ 11:19 AM
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post removed for serious violation of ATS Terms & Conditions



posted on Mar, 8 2013 @ 11:26 AM
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Well I thought some of those were pretty good, especially since I live in Bradford and that is what its like around here

Cheers



posted on Mar, 8 2013 @ 11:33 AM
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I've heard most of them before but they never get old.

I would contribute some jokes but I think it would get me banned!


Some people don't understand the British sense of humour. Some people have no sense of humour at all....There's plenty of those around here



posted on Mar, 8 2013 @ 11:37 AM
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reply to post by Kody27
 


I actually really like british humor.

I have taken in far more British humor than the average American, and I have to say that it is an acquired taste and may not agree with you at first. At first it seems bland, then a little off, maybe even a tad dated, then you chow it down, regardless of the indigestion.



edit on 8-3-2013 by tadaman because: (no reason given)



posted on Mar, 8 2013 @ 11:38 AM
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LMAO

Cheers dude got a good chuckle out of that and Im not even British.

British Humour and sitcoms fly way over the head of most Americans, its to dry and understated for them.

Dont worry about the replies you get saying the jokes arent funny, the people saying that just arent clever enough to understand them



posted on Mar, 8 2013 @ 11:38 AM
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Originally posted by Kody27
reply to post by cody599
 


The worst phucking god forsaken form of comedy on the planet, British comedy. these jokes are the worst man. jesus christ


Could be worse
Could be Memphis comedy



I think I just found the worst humor in the world



posted on Mar, 8 2013 @ 11:40 AM
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reply to post by IkNOwSTuff
 


It's all subjective IkNOwSTuff





posted on Mar, 8 2013 @ 11:47 AM
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Yeah not really a fan of these kind of jokes.

British humour is great though. The best in the world. But this isn't it. These are just low humour jokes that you probably get if you pay £1.50 a text for some joke subscription crap

Some stuff more to my liking.

















British comedy is the best for tv shows and standups. Americans do better movies but then that's true across the board and I wouldn't say is necessarily a reflection of comedic talent rather than tons of money



posted on Mar, 8 2013 @ 11:49 AM
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Originally posted by SilentE
I've heard most of them before but they never get old.

I would contribute some jokes but I think it would get me banned!


Some people don't understand the British sense of humour. Some people have no sense of humour at all....There's plenty of those around here


Everyone gets the British sense of humour, it's not that special. There's no need to be kind, it's just that Americans are dense for the most part.

Nobody else has a problem "getting" British humour



posted on Mar, 8 2013 @ 11:53 AM
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reply to post by GrandStrategy
 


Totally agree with you
Intelligent humour is much funnier. Just that some of these gave me giggle so I thought I'd share


Cody



posted on Mar, 8 2013 @ 11:54 AM
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Originally posted by Kody27
reply to post by cody599
 


The worst phucking god forsaken form of comedy on the planet, British comedy. these jokes are the worst man. jesus christ


Here's some to lighten your mood Kody27...
This will probably get me flamed!


*Chasing the American Dream does not count as exercise.

*How do you convince Americans to get involved in a war?
Tell them it's nearly finished.

*America: a country where people believe the moon landing is fake, but wrestling is real.

*So, X-rated websites have been given the approval to have the XXX domain name?
Surely this is going to confuse the Americans when they are shopping for clothes online.

*How does an American change a light bulb?
Holds it under the socket and expects the world to revolve around him

(All from sickipedia - The best freakin joke site in the WORLD!!)

Only having a laugh you guys


I welcome any jokes about us Brits. I love to laugh, even at my own expense.
edit on 8/3/2013 by SilentE because: (no reason given)



posted on Mar, 8 2013 @ 11:58 AM
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reply to post by GrandStrategy
 


1. I resent that. There is a special kind of stupid in the UK that you hide from cameras and the press, I dont blame you. I wouldnt want a chav to be representing my people either. Also it is still in the air as to whether your hicks and inner city dumb-dumbs are worse than ours.....

2. It is not that people dont get it, it is that comedy in the UK is geared for the UK. It is about local things and happenings. It is almost inapplicable outside of the UK without the proper context established and a British to American (or where ever) dictionary.

3. It is sometimes dreadful.

BUT

I do like the delightfully dreadful like "absolutely fabulous".

EDIT:
also I think somethings were great once "Americanized". "The office", British version, was just boring. "The office", US version was insanely funny. I bet you guys feel the same only with reversed sentiment.

I bet both are GREAT shows, that ultimately were just geared for their audience.

Also I LOVED monty python growing up. I was very appreciative as an adolescent in censor town USA watching a comedy show with skits with gratuitous shots of women in leingere. It was REALLY funny to.

Mr. Bean´s show, you guys hate, we LOVE....His spy movie, TERRIBLE.

Your recent stuff, REALLY good. Some of it though, cheap and local. Which is fine, but limited.


edit on 8-3-2013 by tadaman because: (no reason given)



posted on Mar, 8 2013 @ 12:07 PM
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here is one of my favorite british comedians-



Eddie Izzard. He is also good enough to cater to a broader audience than JUST the UK.

edit on 8-3-2013 by tadaman because: (no reason given)



posted on Mar, 8 2013 @ 12:16 PM
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Originally posted by tadaman
reply to post by GrandStrategy
 


1. I resent that. There is a special kind of stupid in the UK that you hide from cameras and the press, I dont blame you. I wouldnt want a chav to be representing my people either. Also it is still in the air as to whether your hicks and inner city dumb-dumbs are worse than ours.....

2. It is not that people dont get it, it is that comedy in the UK is geared for the UK. It is about local things and happenings. It is almost inapplicable outside of the UK without the proper context established and a British to American (or where ever) dictionary.

3. It is sometimes dreadful.

edit on 8-3-2013 by tadaman because: (no reason given)


Resent whatever you want. Like I told you, the rest of the world doesn't have a problem with British humour, the only people who seem to struggle are Americans. It has nothing to do with being applicable.

It's the same thing when it comes to accents. Everyone in the world, even people who speak English as a second language, seem to be okay with strong accents. Switch to America, and all you hear is complaints about how subtitles are needed and accents are incomprehensible.

These are special kind of issues that only Americans struggle with.

And there's no such thing as a chav. That's just a derogatory term that tits use to describe poor people. Britain having poor people is no secret.



posted on Mar, 8 2013 @ 12:23 PM
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Just want to add one of my favorites.




posted on Mar, 8 2013 @ 12:32 PM
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reply to post by cody599
 


That was classic! Love British humor. Thanks for sharing!



posted on Mar, 8 2013 @ 12:40 PM
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reply to post by GrandStrategy
 


I completely disagree.

I am friends with MANY UK citizens who TEACH english here in Spain. THEY ask for American native speakers to assist all the time so the students can hear a different accent since the case is that an American accent is not understandable to someone who is ONLY schooled in UK english AND vice versa. For international purposes and for business, American accents are better understood due to the globalization of our culture.

also, you can deny it all you want. BUT

Chavs.....

Chav, (pron.: /ˈtʃæv/ chav) is a stereotype and pejorative epithet commonly used in the British Isles. The stereotype was popularised in the British mass media to refer to working-class youth subculture in the United Kingdom.
en.wikipedia.org...





and the fact you can be so ignorant to describe almost a whole continent of people as dense is a sure sign of ignorance on your part. Get a passport and see the world little man.



EDIT:

also I bet you and the rest of the world has seen almost 90% of American comedy films. English comedy films, less then 20%...and its not a marketing failure. They are just not applicable to the rest of the world. Like "cockneys VS zombies"....a little dumb if you dont know the context for references they make in the movie. HELL even the title goes without being understood. "What the hell is a cockney" most people are asking themselves right now...Good movie by the way,

then there are things like "Shawn of the dead" fantastic movie made for ALL audiences.

Why would one movie do very well all over and the other, not so much so when they are both so similar?....one was made for domestic viewing, the other for international distribution.


edit on 8-3-2013 by tadaman because: (no reason given)



posted on Mar, 8 2013 @ 12:41 PM
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reply to post by BritofTexas
 


LMAO

All the Eddir Izzard is brilliant so far



posted on Mar, 8 2013 @ 12:45 PM
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And lets not forget the classic






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