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Reservation Comedy: The Crazy Bahanna

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posted on Mar, 6 2013 @ 02:35 PM
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Thanks for coming out tonight to see the Crazy Bahanna. I hope they didn't charge you anything to get in the door, so that you won't be disappointed. Really, I should give all of you something. (Digs around in pockets and shrugs. Finally pulls out an ear of corn and offers it to someone)

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People are always curious about a crazy bahanna being on the reservation. Often they ask me where I'm from. When I tell them North Carolina, the next question usually is, "So when are you going back?"

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Ease up on me I promise the jokes get better. Well actually not much better, but damn it I'm trying.

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I was hitch-hiking up 264 on the reservation once. and you know natives can be a very untrusting bunch. I don't know but I guess I might've picked a bad section of road, because I stood there so long that even the crows were laughing at me. Days turned into weeks... the seasons changed... I could've already walked all the way back to North Carolina in the time that I waited. But something told me to persevere and my patience would pay off. Meanwhile, pack rats were living in my pockets, ADOT mounted a speed limit sign on my back. Yes I became something of a landmark standing there, but I just kept smiling with my thumb out. People were even using me to give directions. "Go down just past the crazy bahanna and make a left."

I don't know how long I waited because you know time can be funny like that out here... it eventually turned into something of a vision quest I guess. But as luck would have it, an older gentleman finally stopped and offered me a ride in his 1964 Impala. I was ecstatic until I realized that my body was frozen in place like a statue and I couldn't move. I was so stiff the only thing I could do was motion with my eyes, and let me tell you it's hard to talk with just your eyes.

He must have felt really sorry for me and evidently he knew eye language. So he cleaned me out a spot in the car and smudged me with sage as I stood there like a cardboard cut out. Having transferred the sheep to the front seat, he then slid me into the back seat. The sheep didn't seem nearly as happy about the ride as I was. The old man laid my backpack under my head for a pillow and asked me if I was comfortable. I blinked twice in the affirmative. It turns out that he must have also been something of a medicine man, because he dug around in his bag and took out a bottle of clear liquid. After looking all directions cautiously, he poured some across my lips and I think it was 180 proof. But my body didn't react at all to this remedy and my lips felt like they were on fire.

Before pulling off the shoulder of the road, he looked back and asked me where I was headed. I blinked four times. He said, "This is your lucky day because I'm also going to four corners to deliver this sheep for a wedding." I was actually just trying to make it back to I-40 but what the hell.

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You know things are much more expensive on the reservation than any other place I've been. Yep it's true. I went to the local grocery store and had a hard time trying to decide whether I should buy enough food for a week or take a two week vacation to Las Vegas.

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It's easy to get lost out here especially since a lot of the streets have no apparent name and many places look very similar. The other night I was out admiring the stars when one of them started moving. It swooped down towards me and a beam of light shot out of it. Instantly, there was one of the occupants of a UFO standing there in front of me with a puzzled look on his face. "Which way to First Mesa?" he asked. I told him the best I could, then I asked him where he was from. "First Mesa," he replied.

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I went out to the field one day to do some weeding. Tumbleweeds had overrun the entire field, making it hard to tell even where the field started and ended. Frustrated I yelled out, "Where did all these damn weeds come from?" To my surprise one of the tumbleweeds replied to me, "The Bureau of Land Management introduced us to this land long ago to help with wind erosion." I shook my head and half-heartedly apologized as I started to chop down the weeds with a hoe. The surrounding tumbleweeds laughed every time I made a chop. Laughter echoed all around the field. Finally I stopped weeding and asked just what was so funny. One of the tumbleweeds stopped laughing long enough to say, "You're actually doing us a favor. We were engineered in such a way that each time you chop off one of our heads, three more grow back in its place!"
I said, "You're pretty smart for a tumbleweed. Maybe you can answer another burning question I've been pondering on. What purpose do the large prickly briars called bullheads serve?" He said, "Oh they're just here to make your life a living hell."

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The birds here seem overly smart and they can even be helpful. Once I chopping wood and a crow was sitting by the front door. He starting yelling CAW CAW CAW! I dropped the axe, went around the house and sure enough the phone was ringing. I answered the phone and on the other end I heard CAW CAW! I said what the... then I remembered I was supposed to call my friend Carl.

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The economy on the reservation is slightly different than most other places I've noticed. The reservation's equivalent of a tycoon is someone who has over ten hundred dollars... a thousandaire.

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What's up with all the fencing out here? My gosh it's everywhere on both sides of all the roads going each way as far as the eye can see. So who are these geniuses in Washington anyway? With the money that was spent on the fencing and labor we could've made every Indian in the world a multi-thousandaire and left the land open.

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A younger man asked me once, "So what brings you to the reservation?" I told him that I'd been led here by spirit. His face immediately lit up as he said, "If you have any of that left do you mind if I have a nip?"

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Possibly to be continued...
edit on 6/3/2013 by htapath because: (no reason given)




posted on Mar, 7 2013 @ 09:27 AM
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Dude... Come on... What the Hell were you seriously thinking when you made this thread?? If it was at least funny, then it might be forgivable. The first one was the best. Anyone who's been in unfamiliar territory can relate to that. But the stuff about poverty and alcoholism... you gotta cut that outta your act and shape up your act a little. If you're gonna go their with the borderline racism, you gotta know how to make it acceptable. Basically, you have to belong to the group you are making fun of, or be black. Are you black? You don't SOUND black. It's the internet so you could possibly create a black persona... See, black people can make jokes about black people, make jokes about white people, make jokes about Asians, Arabians, Natives, whoever. It seems that blacks own the topic of race when it comes to comedy. Don't ask me how it happened, but I think one reason they are allowed to get away with it is that they know how to make it Funny! Maybe you should study some other comedians who rely on race or culture as a topic. If you're native American or black, then sorry, carry on... Things like racial identity do not carry over so well online.

What is a...what are you again? The Crazy Banana? What exactly is that supposed to mean?



posted on Mar, 7 2013 @ 11:31 AM
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reply to post by 3n19m470
 


To answer your question, yes I am part Cherokee, and by no means do I look white. But, by the rigid standards set forth by most Native Americans, I am still considered to be a bahanna. Actually I don't really agree with any labels, and that is the underlying reason that I created this thread. If you would like to walk a mile in my boots, then by all means strap them puppies on.

I understand where you're coming from, believe me. But if we can't laugh at ourselves, then we don't have any business laughing at anyone else.

I trust this addresses your concerns.



posted on Mar, 8 2013 @ 10:48 PM
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reply to post by htapath
 


I am so laughing my arse off!! We have the same sense of humor!! Too good

strap them puppies on.. that is good too!

and brother! you are from NC !! Rock ON! I should have guessed,!



posted on Mar, 9 2013 @ 03:10 PM
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How many bahannas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only two, but I've never seen two bahannas that were small enough to fit inside of a light bulb yet.

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Microsoft just announced a new feature that will soon be available as an add-on to all their platforms, although it's still in the beta testing stages.... Spell checker for witches!

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There are many different varieties of corn and it grows in a few different colors. There's red, white, yellow, blue, and then there's the lesser known brown. Brown corn is what happens when you're roasting corn on an open fire and a sandstorm blows in.

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Since coming to the reservation I've acquired a new talent. With the right concentration, I can make certain stars and even whole constellations move with my mind. Oh yea (looks around and nods).

The other night after doing this for a while I became very tired, since this takes a bit of effort. As I was drifting off to sleep, my bed suddenly started moving, jolting me awake. There was a reptilian alien standing over me and he said, "How does it feel, asshole?"
edit on 9/3/2013 by htapath because: it just felt right



posted on Mar, 13 2013 @ 09:52 AM
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Why did the bahanna cross the rez?
He didn't the mother died.

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Have you heard? A section of the highway collapsed the other day just outside of the Grand Canyon... Look it up if you don't believe me.
Yes apparently it was a geologic event according to officials.
This can't be right though... since when did officials start speaking using any kind of logic in their explanations?

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In a related story, the earth is vibrating in Hopiland these days. No joke.
This one hasn't been reported, however; because no ground shaking news EVER comes from the rez.

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I called the phone company to complain about my cellular service the other day.
The lady told me not to get down on myself, because no bahannas get a good reception on the reservation.

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What's a good way to tell how long a bahanna has been standing there with his thumb out trying to get a ride?
By the rings around his collar.

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A Navajo and a bahanna walk into a bar. The bahanna can't get the Navajo out of the bar.
Relax it was just a sand bar. Remember... It's a dry county.

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What do you get when you cross a Caribbean drink with energy from the heavens?
A Bahama Manna.

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It's hard to make a living out here, so I've been thinking of ways to tap into the bahanna market.
In these trying times, more people are losing their hair than ever before, hence my new idea...
Scalp insurance! No applause, just throw tomahawks.



posted on Mar, 13 2013 @ 11:42 AM
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Originally posted by htapath
How many bahannas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only two, but I've never seen two bahannas that were small enough to fit inside of a light bulb yet.

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Microsoft just announced a new feature that will soon be available as an add-on to all their platforms, although it's still in the beta testing stages.... Spell checker for witches!
LOL! Funny stuff here! Thanks for the laughs.



posted on Mar, 15 2013 @ 09:38 AM
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Things are tough out here I tell you.

I was standing close to a pay phone once on the reservation.

And IT dug around in MY pockets searching for change while nobody was looking.






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