Never sure what to do, even when the answers are clear

I was going to do this as a chronological history, but as i am on my phone it doesnt seem practical to do so.

So, some basic facts about my current relationship: we have known each other since we were five, were out of touch for thirteen years, got back in contact started dating, been together five years, have two kids, and I have a third from a previous whom I have full custody of.

In the beginning, intimacy was great. We were on the same page in everyway. Immediately after finding out she was pregnant, she literally stopped wanting to. I knew this was a thing, so I wasnt too worried. During this time, I was told by her that she considers 'taking matters into your own hands' cheating, as I am looking for satisfaction elsewhere. But she was never willing to compromise on my end. During this time even when we did, it was limited by what she could do while pregnant; again, I get it, no big deal.

I was scheduled to be fixed a few month after my first daughter was born. In what will turn out to be quite convinient, for the several months in between, she was back to her old self. Then she found out she was pregnsnt again, and still has not wanted to in the almost two years since she was born. At this point, while bothered, I coukd still live with it.

However, during this time, she has told exes she loved them, tried to 'see if guys would try to pick her up', and even offered to go to an old suitors house so they could hook up, and stsrted reading erotica (remember, 'doing it yourself is cheating').

Realizing that the problen may be on my end, I ask her what is wrong. First, she tells me I am boring.....again, remember that we were limited due to her pregnancy, and I often 'opened the door' to other things. So I try switching things up, but she always cut foreplay short and stuck with the same things she was complaining were boring. Next, she says she likes it when I initiate, and so I go to, often being flirty and whatnot through the day......she always cuts me off, saying its bad timing, but never aids me in knowing the proper times on her end. Next, I bother her too much for it. So for the next five days, I dont bother her for it at all. On the fifth day, she wakes up crying that she feels unnattractive, and leaves.

A few days later I have a female friend over, and the moment she finds out, she is back, the first week is like the good ol days, and literally right back to the same. That was last november. It is still the same.

I am bothered mostly that she is clearly interested in sex, but not with me, but cannot admit it to any degree that can allow it to fix.

I feel for you brother. I can relate to this on my own level. As well as still looking for the answers. Keep your head up dude! It can be very aggravating at times, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do!

Seems like a case of the "Do as I say, not as I do" variety... As to masturbation being cheating...that's just absurd. I will say though, that most women see "looking" at pornography almost as cheating, but somehow reading about it is just fine. Go figure. (I suppose this is because they don't feel like they have to "compete" with someone in your imagination vs. someone on a screen, etc.).

I'm thinking she's really more about the excitement of playing the field, than the actual sex part of it... It's likely more about romance and attention than sex. (Like when you were with another, she lost the attention, so needed it back). She certainly doesn't seem to be hiding that she is either cheating or looking to though, and that's a pretty big deal (of course, sounds like you did too). She seems incredibly immature, and inconsiderate of her family (of course, we're just getting your side of the story).

Of course, you've got kids involved in this whole mess too. A lot to consider here, but sometimes moving on is best for both. Some will suggest counseling, and if you think it is salvageable, may not be a bad idea...but the current situation clearly isn't working, so some kind of change is needed.

Originally posted by Gazrok
I will say though, that most women see "looking" at pornography almost as cheating, but somehow reading about it is just fine. Go figure. (I suppose this is because they don't feel like they have to "compete" with someone in your imagination vs. someone on a screen, etc.).

A clear difference between men and women. Men are "turned on" by visual stimulation, i.e.: Pictures. Women are "turned on" bu the environmental situation, i.e.: Reading about it. The first is considered pornography and assailed as evil; the second is considered romantic. A rather unfair disadvantage to men, I think, and shows, at least partially, the feminization of our culture. (I know that's not the whole story.)

Regarding this situation, yikes! And you've got three kids. This is going to be tough.

Oh I fully admit to having fault in this situation. Most fundamentally my issue is with her unwillingness to work on the parts even she says are issues. As I always tell her, its not 'success in being pefectly happy' im looking for, but simply seeing effort in that direction. So long as it has the slightest chance to work out, I will be by her side till the end. However, if the effort isnt mutal, it is clearly a losing battle.

Once a cheater, always a cheater. What I really mean by that is that once you are cheated on, that person has nothing that won't stop them from cheating again.

Your best bet is to get out of this relationship so your children don't get raised thinking this behavior is acceptable.

If it sounds jaded, it may be. I have been cheated on and apparently didn't learn from my mistakes soon enough. Don't make the same mistakes I did. She seems like the type that loves having affairs. She didn't even want anything to do with you until you had someone else after you.

I don't see this being a good situation for either of you.

reply to post by secret titan

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

You got that right.

I say find an ugly girl that doesn't have any self-esteem issues and keep her.