Separate Bedrooms?

btw if you snore or your partner snores... you should see a doctor, you might be getting a bit of brain damage every night. You'll find if you stop snoring at night your brain will likely work better the next day... its oxygen depravation.. sleep aponea

en.wikipedia.org...

Originally posted by MojaveBurning
Lately, I’ve been thinking that it would be nice to have my own bedroom.

I am happily married, and have been for 7 years. My husband and I get along very well, and have no rifts in the marriage or anything like that. He doesn’t snore, or hog the covers. I’m actually the one who snores! I like to sprawl out across the bed.

But I wonder, how good for the marriage would it be for us to move into separate bedrooms? Also, how would it affect our young daughter to see us sleeping in separate rooms? Would he be offended or hurt by this suggestion (would you?)?

I’ve done some research, and most articles I’ve read seem to indicate that separate sleeping arrangements between married couples can actually be a good thing.

What say you, ATS?

Do it. You never know until you try it. As for your kid...when she sees you or your husband spend the night in the others bedroom, she's going to have some questions.

Me and my wife work different shifts, we appreciate the times when we actually sleep at the same time.

Good luck & I bet your husband will go for it.

I was under the impression that the purpose of getting married, besides love, is so that you dont have to sleep alone.
Coming from this man....if my wife even mentioned such nonsense as seperate beds, I'd be looking for a different woman who WANTED to wake up next to me. Men reach the conclusion of marriage differently than women. If a man offers to share his life, and bed with someone, he doesnt make that decision lightly whereas women seem ready to move in after a week of dating.

Seems to me that seperate bedrooms leads to a slippery slope. What next...foregoing anniversaries....seperate bank accounts? What the OP is proposing seems like a way to bow out gracefully because she doesnt have the intestinal fortitude to be HONEST to her man about the underlying problem...whatever that may be. This will inevitably breed feelings of resentment in her man. It will fester for a time...until a REAL woman enters his life.

Be careful what you wish for OP...you just might get it.

Married but seperate beds lol...perhaps someone forgot their vows?? For better or worse, sickness and health....but who cares about a promise in front of God, family, and your "partner" anyway right?

Good luck OP...and have a moving truck at the ready because if your hubby is a REAL man, he wouldnt stand for the poppycock you're slinging. HA! I said poppycock!

Bad idea ... very bad idea ... two of my EX-wives pulled the seperate bedrooms stunt ... it kills a marriage... communications breakdown .. affection goes out the window as does sex life ...

Originally posted by CaptainOblivious
I was under the impression that the purpose of getting married, besides love, is so that you dont have to sleep alone.
Coming from this man....if my wife even mentioned such nonsense as seperate beds, I'd be looking for a different woman who WANTED to wake up next to me. Men reach the conclusion of marriage differently than women. If a man offers to share his life, and bed with someone, he doesnt make that decision lightly whereas women seem ready to move in after a week of dating.

Seems to me that seperate bedrooms leads to a slippery slope. What next...foregoing anniversaries....seperate bank accounts? What the OP is proposing seems like a way to bow out gracefully because she doesnt have the intestinal fortitude to be HONEST to her man about the underlying problem...whatever that may be. This will inevitably breed feelings of resentment in her man. It will fester for a time...until a REAL woman enters his life.

Be careful what you wish for OP...you just might get it.

Married but seperate beds lol...perhaps someone forgot their vows?? For better or worse, sickness and health....but who cares about a promise in front of God, family, and your "partner" anyway right?

Good luck OP...and have a moving truck at the ready because if your hubby is a REAL man, he wouldnt stand for the poppycock you're slinging. HA! I said poppycock!

edit on 27-2-2013 by CaptainOblivious because: i cant spell

Lots of generalizations here. I dated one man who proposed to me after the second date! Another man proposed after just 3 months of dating. Now, I'm not claiming to be all that, I'm just sayin' - there are men out there who rush into marriage.

I think it is a very insecure man who would leave the marriage just because the woman asks for some alone time while sleeping. It would depend on why she wants it of course. If there are other problems in the marriage, sleeping in the same bed isn't necessarily going to solve it. I have known lots of couples who didn't have separate bedrooms, yet got divorced anyway.

The bottom line is, if your marriage is all about honesty and open communication, and there's lots of love (and both partners are secure in themselves) -- sleeping in a separate bed isn't going to end it. I am living proof of that (13 years happily married, 7 of those years sleeping in separate beds).

reply to post by MojaveBurning


I'm going to be 100% honest on this one.

Would I be offended if my husband suddenly decided he wanted his own bedroom? Yeah....and I'd also be hurt, and suspicious as to why he suddenly decided he no longer wanted to share a room with me.

Yeah.... my ex-wife used to sleep on the couch in the living room. She had bad back problems and claimed she didn't want to disrupt my sleep with her tossing and turning.... She's my ex-wife now. Just sayin'....

Originally posted by MojaveBurning
Lately, I’ve been thinking that it would be nice to have my own bedroom.

I am happily married, and have been for 7 years. My husband and I get along very well, and have no rifts in the marriage or anything like that. He doesn’t snore, or hog the covers. I’m actually the one who snores! I like to sprawl out across the bed.

But I wonder, how good for the marriage would it be for us to move into separate bedrooms? Also, how would it affect our young daughter to see us sleeping in separate rooms? Would he be offended or hurt by this suggestion (would you?)?

I’ve done some research, and most articles I’ve read seem to indicate that separate sleeping arrangements between married couples can actually be a good thing.

What say you, ATS?

It would be interesting to know the source of the articles you have been "researching". The bond between a man and woman is unique on the entire planet. You do with each other that which is not shared with anyone else on the planet. Should you choose to deconstruct your bond with the man you have chosen to live with, I guarantee you there will come a point in your relationship with him where he will go his own way. I am not saying he will step out on you or anything detrimental to his end of the relationship (though that is always a possibility). What I am saying is that there will come a point in the relationship where he will lose his fondness for you. Should you choose to pursue a relationship that strips the uniqueness of the relationship, treating him like anybody else, you will lose the part of him that you are most attached to, that being his fondness for you. With fondness goes romance, friendship, and a host of other nuances that you will gradually notice are missing. It is your call. You make your own bed and you have to sleep in it. Just remember that when you get what you want, want what you get.

To the men reading this, are wondering about what this woman is actually saying, and are interested, I recommend you check out 'Paul Elam' and 'A Voice for Men' on youtube.com. Peace.

Originally posted by kaylaluv
Lots of generalizations here. I dated one man who proposed to me after the second date! Another man proposed after just 3 months of dating. Now, I'm not claiming to be all that, I'm just sayin' - there are men out there who rush into marriage.

You must be a real hottie! Or you have money....

I think it is a very insecure man who would leave the marriage just because the woman asks for some alone time while sleeping. It would depend on why she wants it of course. If there are other problems in the marriage, sleeping in the same bed isn't necessarily going to solve it. I have known lots of couples who didn't have separate bedrooms, yet got divorced anyway.

It has nothing to do with being secure or insecure... it's all about companionship... inside the bedroom and outside. Take it from someone who has been there and done that. It's inevitable that one of the partners will feel resentment.... it's just human nature.

The bottom line is, if your marriage is all about honesty and open communication, and there's lots of love (and both partners are secure in themselves) -- sleeping in a separate bed isn't going to end it. I am living proof of that (13 years happily married, 7 of those years sleeping in separate beds).

edit on 27-2-2013 by kaylaluv because: (no reason given)

Honestly sounds like the situation I was in. After 14 years of marraige... half of which was spent sleeping in seperate beds... we finally broke up. After the divorce.... I can't tell you how great it was to actually sleep in the same bed with a woman and to wake up next to her after so many years sleeping alone.

I wish you and your spouse the best of luck.... you will probably need it.

I know a couple that sleeps separately because he has been pushed out of the "family bed" by all the kids. He's the only person in the house who gets any sleep, LOL.

I always start out with my hub but can't usually stay there, because of his snoring. I think he has sleep apnea but he refused to get it checked. He has been sleeping on the couch for 3 nights because he has a bad flu and I have gotten SUCH great sleep. Honestly, I wish there was a comfortable bed I could go to. My only option is a really lumpy couch.

No one can say what's right for YOUR marriage except YOU. And your daughter will be far more affected by what happens in the DAYTIME than where you sleep at night.

reading through first and second page it seems many are married but no talk of children!

Me and my wife sleep in separate bedrooms, not because we snore, or kick or don't love each-other.
We do this because since our first was born she slept with us in our bed, and when you have 3 in one bed eventually the kicking and snoring possibilities are now x 3.

Our daughter is now 8 and for 2 years now she's been sleeping in her own bed (before that it was sporadic, maybe once a week or half the night, then she'd crawl into our bed)

We have a 4 year old as well who has his own bedroom and NEVER slept alone in his life.
Always with mommy.

My kids are well mannered, very family oriented, friendly, no ADD, no ADHD, not rude, care about everything around them etc....

As for our marriage? it will be 9 years of marriage this june (we were an exclusive couple 7 years before marriage)
so 16 years together, and we find time to be intimate at least 10 times / week.

So i don't know what the fuss is about, but i can only imagine its "Wrong" only to those who haven't had kids yet and or those selfish ones.

My wife and I occasionally sleep apart, if we've been ill, tired or have early starts for work. Despite best intentions we both interrupt each others sleep patterns. Sometimes lack of sleep can be just as bad for a relationship than sleeping apart.

If my wife came to me and suggested sleeping apart for no apparent reason I'd be worried, if it was following a string of sleepness nights then I'd understand.

If I've been drinking alcohol, even a small amount, I usually snore (quite loud as well), those nights I offer to sleep in the back room! and that way we both get a good nights sleep.

I don't believe you'd just suddenly decide to do it, there has to be an underlying reason imo.

i snore so i mostly sleep alone. wish i would not snore. sleeping separated has not destroyed my relationship or anything but i wouldnt recommend it for no reason. i dont hear my snoring so i get upset when being kicked during the night- sleeping separated is a contemporary solution. hope one day i can get my snoring under control.

reply to post by MojaveBurning


my parents do it now..they are in there 60's and I recall my aunt and uncle did when I was around 11 or twelve...both still married....

Originally posted by IkNOwSTuff

Originally posted by silverflame
Sleeping in different rooms was how married couples used to sleep, well nobility and upper crust people. Before you do talk to your husband first. You can always do like I used to do work different shifts. Just do what is right for your relationship.

True but their marriages were usually political alliances, I doubt very much the OP married hubby for political purposes LOL

As for the OP, If my wife or even GF suggested this Id consider it the end of the relationship, maybe hubby is different and he wont mind

edit on 25/2/2013 by IkNOwSTuff because: (no reason given)

I find myself in disagreement with you alot Iknowstuff, but on this we agree. I think it all depends on the people and the relationships, but I personally would be insulted in most likeliness.

One does not know what they have until it is gone, I was with my ex for 7 years as a couple and we split up because of financial difficulties and differences of opinions regarding her kids (all from previous relationships). The one thing I can say that is true to my relationship is that when it was gone (sleeping in the same bed) it was definately missed (I still miss it). I tend towards being very affectionate with a lover myself, I miss the feeling of just waking up next to a loved one, of draping my arm over them (and/or a foot over thiers) before going to sleep. You may find (especially if affectionate) you miss it terribly after. It has been several years now and I miss that feeling terribly and hope to feel that closeness again with someone special.

My advice is to be honest with your hubby, all relationships need honesty to work and if you don't have that the relationship will be doomed in all probability anyhow.

I wanted to see my husband's reaction to this, so I just told my him, that I'm sleeping in the other room from now on , and he said:
"What did I do?"
lol Then I told him about your post. (And yes, we like to play pranks on each other)
Been married for 5 years, but simply could not imagine not falling asleep next to him. I've been a terrible sleeper all my life, til I met him. I finally feel safe to fall into a deep sleep.

Also we cuddle every night before we fall asleep, it helps us both unwind and relax. The only time he slept on the couch, was when I came home with a terrible cold, and I insisted because I didn't want him to get sick too, and even then I missed him.
I think sharing your bed with the one you love is very important in a relationship. It is also important for your intimacy.
Then again every relationship is different I guess, so I'm sorry that I can't give you advice or tell you what to do, I can only say that my hubby would be offended or think that he did something wrong.

I hope you do find a solution to your problem, and if I might be honest here, I would say that something else is the problem in your marriage, and the "wanting a seperate room" is just the tip of the ice berg.

I wish you the best of luck in your decision.

reply to post by Schkeptick


Get a Serta inflatable queen bed (around $100), they are so comfy. We have two of them for overnight guests, and they always rave about how comfortable they slept. Even my mother wants one, and she complains about EVERYTHING!

I can understand you, OP. Sometimes, a little separation can be a good thing, but definitely talk about it first and come to an understanding between the both of you. My wife has to go away to another village to plant rice / whatever because it's that time of the year. I can only visit on the weekends when I'm not working, for now, during the planting season hehe. Each has their own reasons but it doesn't necessarily mean anything. Communication is key, as usual

reply to post by MojaveBurning


Very odd that you should post this because I have been thinking about doing the same. I am very happily married, no problems in our marriage what so ever or in our current sleeping arrangement together.
However there is something about my own "space" that seems appealing to me.
A room of my own with all my girly stuff (decor, TV, books, collectibles) although my husband wouldn't care if I did that to our bedroom now. The only thing he hates is the TV being on while he is trying to go to sleep which is what first lead me to the idea; from there it has grown into "when" I am going to start the project.
Maybe we are thinking back to childhood when having your own room was cool and perhaps there is something thrilling about the husband sneaking in at night occasionally LOL

I think there are a lot more couples already sleeping in separate bedrooms. They just call it...falling asleep in the guest room.

I know, when I was married, I did this at times I wanted to stay up late watching something on TV, but wanted to be cozy under some covers....

Des