Separate Bedrooms?

Originally posted by SinMaker
I use the same analogy as "fences make good neighbors". Happy relationship here, the other half snores like a freight train though. After ten years, it don't really matter if you share a bedroom or not. Now I have the freedom to pee standing up.

10 years of sleeping apart? Is it just like having a roommate now?

I hope you are a man.

reply to post by MojaveBurning


My wife and I sleep in separate rooms. I initiated it because my 3 year old son refuses to sleep in his bed at night. We put him to bed in his room, but EVERY single night around 1am he wakes up and comes in our room. Our bed just isn't big enough... it's a queen sized bed and I'm big enough to play on an offensive line somewhere, and so I found sleeping in the bed with my wife and son was very uncomfortable. I decided to move into the guest room and that's where I sleep every night. My son now makes the distinction between Mommy's room and Daddy's room, and Mommy's bed and Daddy's bed. I do feel that it has caused some strain on our intimacy, but that just means we have to try a little harder to maintain it.

Don't listen to these people that say you're headed for doom just because you want a separate room. As long as you don't separate in other areas of your lives- what's the big deal? I think it's a great idea and I've often wondered myself how I could get away with it if I ever moved in with some one again. I've gotten so used to the bed to myself and puppies that I don't see how I could possibly change back.

It doesn't mean you don't love him. It doesn't mean you're on your way to separate lives. If you can work out this deal with him, it just means you've got your own space- which we all need.

It depends on your relationship and what it is based on. Do either one of you have an intimacy requirement? It might not be a good idea in that case. Read "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. No, I do not watch Oprah. I am going through some marital difficulty right now and that has been an enlightening book. If one of you has a strong need for intimacy, then you might consider an occasional solo night in the other room to satisfy your urge to sprawl. At the very least, talk it out and be honest, and it should become clear what you should do.

But hey, I am not a counselor or anything.

Thats what my parents did after my dad caught her cheating on him. Then the whore stayed a few more years as if she was wanted there.

Do what makes you happy life is short.

People over forty are very familiar with these issues. We all have been married twenty two years and had the sex
five million times so this is not a marriage insecurity issue, everyone's hormone levels are dropping anyways. The 40 plus men are fat and snore so loud they have to go to a sleep clinic and get put on CPAP machines. Then they decide they won't wear the CPAP because it's not comfortable. We bought a sled bed for the two headboards. The snoring was still epic, the farting was scary and annoying, and getting kicked in the back was not funny either. I would lay there and count the snoring and snorting/ apneas for hours. I would be so tired and cranky the next day. I also used to shake the bed and snap my fingers to get him to roll over. I would take benedryl, tylenol pm, and meletonin to knock myself out. I even wore tracter noise canceling ear phones. The ear plugs would make my ears really sore.
He has worn the breathe right strips, used snore squirt in his throat, and nasal passage opening medicinal spray.
The only time he didn't snore is when he lost 50 lbs. on the Atkins diet. He has gained it all back in ten years.
I think if one person is a light sleeper and the other person is a chainsaw it is obvious separate rooms are in order. If you want to stay married, healthy, and rested. Any child who has slept in a hotel room with a Dad who is a cronic snorer, and has spent all night awake telling Dad to stop it, has a great deal of empathy and understanding for their Mom. My kids will shut their doors at night because of the snoring. Any alcohol consumption makes a snorer louder.
I eventually built a bonus room in the attic over the garage space which was not cheap, heated, or air conditioned well... but it fits a bed and I can sleep in it most of the night. In your forties you need your rest for your stressful work life and raising children. It is not about the marriage, it is about sleeping. Sure, we would all like the ideal Norman Rockwellian life. However, people are indivduals and need different things than other people might need.

If you start out in the same bed, and watch Tv together you get the quality marriage time before going to sleep.

Originally posted by frugal
Do what makes you happy life is short.

That right there is some of the worst advice someone can give another person. It's like saying "You should be totally selfish when it comes to doing whatever you want."

What about the wedding vows? What about the kids? They don't count for anything? Their happiness is irrelevant?

When you get married and have kids, it is not about YOU any more. It is about the kids, then your relationship with your spouse. I know we're only talking about sleeping arrangements, but love/marriage is not about what makes YOU happy. It is about how you make others feel, and what you give will come back to you - then everyone is happy.

Bad, bad advice.

reply to post by AwakeinNM


Hahaha, glad to see another like minded individual. I told my wife she was a very close second to our kids, but, I would step over her to save one of them.

reply to post by AwakeinNM


Look at your self, who are you to judge the needs of others and what makes their family happy? You are into drama and are a # creator. Happiness in life is essential. What works for one family doesn't necessarily work for another. Most of my friends can and do have extra bedrooms. I don't care what you think.

Honestly I prefer separate beds. I get better sleep when I don't have to worry about kicking the person I care about in the middle of the night (apparently I'm a pretty violent sleeper lol) and just sprawl out over the whole bed. Plus different work schedules, I like being able to sleep in, once I'm awake can't get back to sleep. So I don't want to hear that 4 am alarm clock. No strain, if you love someone, sleeping in separate beds doesn't make it any less valid.

My husband and I sleep in seperate rooms, but it started because of my car accident and back pain. We had a waterbed on a double Captain's pedestal, and I couldn't get out of the bed alone. Also, I was a tummy sleeper, and no matter what I did, I would awaken on my tummy, my back locked in spasms so bad, just moving to roll over would make me scream in pain.

One day, when I got home from working my nightshift, I went to sleep on my right side, on the couch. When I woke, no spasms, I could get up by myself, and I could walk to the bathroom in less than 5 minutes. After sleeping on the couch for several days, I found I felt better, and the severity of pain was greatly reduced during my waking hours. It prevented me from rolling onto my tummy.

After a few years, when we could afford it, we went and spent 4 thousand dollars on a bedroom suite, including almost 2 thousand just for a fancy mattress. I still can't sleep on it, but it is better for... recreational times.

We also have completely opposite schedules, I work at night or when I am home, I am up all night, and he works during the day. Even if I go to bed to keep him company, and read or watch tv, it keeps him awake and disturbs him.

It has worked out fine, and on nights when I miss just being with him, I go to bed with him, and we cuddle, or whatever... till he goes to sleep. I quietly slip out, and leave him to rest. He sometimes teases me about waking up alone, but he knows I can't stay in the bed. He just teases about it. He even said when I turn 50, he is trading me in on two 25 year olds. I laughed, and told him he has a death wish!

We have been doing this a long time, and our relationship hasn't sufferred, so I think it is up to you and him, and a personal decision. Just know it does and can work.

reply to post by MojaveBurning


Yes, sleep in seperate rooms. Also, let your hubby get a mistress while you're at it. We all know that's the recipe for a perfect marriage...

Originally posted by AwakeinNM
What about the wedding vows? What about the kids? They don't count for anything? Their happiness is irrelevant?

Dude ... EVERYONE in the house will be happier if the parents are able to get a good night sleep. And if sleeping in separate beds is what it takes .. then so be it.


I'm thinking that a lot of these 'the marriage is doomed if you sleep in separate beds' posts are made by guys that can't hear themselves SNORE like a lawnmower all night. Seriously ... better sleep at night means better moods in the day and probably a better marriage.

I was the first responder here with the phrase, "Different strokes and all that." I see this has played out on the thread, but I never explained the good about sleeping together. I'm actually amazed at how many people have expressed revulsion about their mates being "too close" or "breathing on them" or "being a bed hog." Of course, that's classic:



My wife and I had a discussion about this last night and she was as shocked as I am. Sleeping with each other and touching each other is like a time of re-charge after a hard day. There's nothing better than snuggling up with your lover and falling asleep feeling their warmth. We cuddle each other all night long this way and that and only reluctantly does one of us get up. A Queen is the perfect size. A double is too small because you really do need some space, and a King is too big because we can hardly find each other. If one of us snores, the other turns him over. Of course, we have no "special needs" as some of you have expressed, other than to be together.

I can't imagine sleeping in separate beds, though sometimes we have to, such as traveling in Europe where they apparently have not heard of the concept of sleeping together, and I REALLY can't imagine separate bedrooms. That's like a roommate you tolerate and can't wait til they move. The only reason they are there is to help pay the rent. A marriage like that is a social convenience and something you wouldn't do at all if you had to do it over.

BUT, different strokes and all. But it leaves me with an overwhelming feeling of sadness.

Originally posted by schuyler

My wife and I had a discussion about this last night and she was as shocked as I am. Sleeping with each other and touching each other is like a time of re-charge after a hard day. There's nothing better than snuggling up with your lover and falling asleep feeling their warmth. We cuddle each other all night long this way and that and only reluctantly does one of us get up. A Queen is the perfect size. A double is too small because you really do need some space, and a King is too big because we can hardly find each other. If one of us snores, the other turns him over. Of course, we have no "special needs" as some of you have expressed, other than to be together.

I can't imagine sleeping in separate beds, thjough sometimes we have to, such as traveling in Europe where they apparently have not heard of the concept of sleeping together, and I REALLY can't imagine separate bedrooms. That's like a roommate you tolerate and can't wait til they move. The only reason they are there is to help pay the rent. A marriage like that is a social convenience and something you wouldn't do at all if you had to do it over.

BUT, different strokes and all. But it leaves me with an overwhelming feeling of sadness.

Well, in my own defense - my husband snores no matter what position he's in. He snores on his back, on either side, on his stomach. When we slept in the same bed, I would get so angry that I would kick him HARD every time he snored. He would stop for about 3 minutes then start again. Again, I kicked... and kicked.... and kicked - all night long. Even though I knew it wasn't his fault, I was so angry at him all the next day, because I was irritable and exhausted. After 5 years of that, I started to not like him very much. If he hadn't moved to another bedroom, I think we would have eventually grown apart and divorced.

We spend lot of cuddling time together. Our sex life is great - no problems there. He is not my roommate. He is my husband, in every way. He still makes my heart beat a little faster when he comes home after work. We talk about everything, and we would do anything for each other. I wouldn't want to be alone or with anyone else - ever.

You shouldn't feel sad - I for one, am a very happy married lady!

reply to post by MojaveBurning


I don't know about all that noise, if my wife started talking that nonsense she would be telling her friends that she ran into a door for the next two weeks.

I don't see relationships as surgical attachment. Both people are still individuals. I've always wanted my own room/personal space. It's no reflection on how I feel about my partner. If wanting my own room was cause for them to leave then obviously there are problems they have. Throw out a good loving relationship because of that? Rediculous. I don't see it as a bad thing at all.

My bf's idea of decor is quite different than mine. We both have erratic sleep/wake patterns. We are individuals. We usually work opposite shifts. Just because I want a pretty little room just for me, it doesn't mean I don't love him. What I don't love is if I wake at an odd hour on my nights off and want to sit up and read or listen to music for awhile, I have to get up and get my stuff and go to another room instead of just sitting up and turning on a light to relax in bed as I please. Same for him. If one is sleeping and the other needs to be in and out for some reason, seperate rooms makes this much easier. If we argue, which is rare, there should be a retreat where either of us can go and have the expectation of being left alone to cool off without having to completely leave the house. When one is sick, being holed up in your own private space is great and easier to contain the germs and general nastiness. One small place just for me. One room out of the whole place we share. That's not unreasomable to want. His room the way he wants and never could have when he was growing up. My room the same way. He would not be so insecure about it.

As for the sleep aspect, sleep is business. I've always seen it that way. Much better if uninterrupted and makes the rest of life easier to deal with. There's a difference between wanting to get away from someone and wanting to have your own room.

reply to post by MojaveBurning


Take it from someone who has been married to a number of women, all different and in 3 cases, from other countries and cultures, separate beds in the same room is one thing, separate baths is also fine but when separate rooms for spouses becomes acceptable for both parties, it becomes a marriage of convenience and is not likely to be convenient for long. I suggest to all men who want children to marry but be prepared to dump the witch by years 5-7 or 12-14, if the marriage lasts past the the 12-14 mark, you are probably going to stay married.

Looking back, expecting a woman to be all things forever flies in the face of reality and Solomon was right.

It could be a good thing I suppose according to research but for the life of me I will never understand it, and thus advice against it. But that is mainly based on my own experience on the matter.

I've been together with my boyfriend for 8.5 years now and due to my snoring I've been sleeping on the couch for the past year. The kicking and poking me about and the annoyed yelling at me in the middle of the night made me decide that was the best thing to do. I grew to love the couch and I sleep quite well at it when I do sleep but it also created an additional rift in the relationship by taking away the comfort and intimacy of sleeping together (and I don't mean just sex here - just sharing the bed and appreciate each other). We actually grew more and more apart the longer I had been sleeping on the couch and it's painful. I can't fix it because the doctor doesn't feel the need to help me out with the snoring issue (and stuff like sprays don't work) so it's actually horrible.

Even if you don't have problems in your marriage and no reason to sleep in a different room, this eventually might cause a problem. Don't take the little things for granted. It might not bite now, but that doesn't mean it will never happen.

I know people happily married who sleep in different bedrooms because of differing hours of work / one partner snores... basically its so that the other can get to sleep when they need to get up in the morning.

No issue. just remember to give your hubby an 'old fashion' every now and then..