Separate Bedrooms?

reply to post by clairvoyantrose

How does sex happen if you aren't in the same bed? It would be weird to just plan a time for sex with someone you love.

You don't plan. It just happens.
It's a little bit harder if there are kids in the house. Then you might have to do some planning.
One person could just go to the other person's room in the morning to "wake" them
Bedroom door locks should only be to keep the kids out, not your spouse.

Originally posted by MojaveBurning
Lately, I’ve been thinking that it would be nice to have my own bedroom.

I am happily married, and have been for 7 years. My husband and I get along very well, and have no rifts in the marriage or anything like that. He doesn’t snore, or hog the covers. I’m actually the one who snores! I like to sprawl out across the bed.

But I wonder, how good for the marriage would it be for us to move into separate bedrooms? Also, how would it affect our young daughter to see us sleeping in separate rooms? Would he be offended or hurt by this suggestion (would you?)?

I’ve done some research, and most articles I’ve read seem to indicate that separate sleeping arrangements between married couples can actually be a good thing.

What say you, ATS?

There can be no perfect answer to this. It's just me, but I don't like someone being in my face 24 hours a day, 7 days a week throughout my entire life. To have to share my bedroom with someone would be pure hell. I like thinking uninterrupted thoughts while getting ready to doze off. I like farting without stinking somebody out of the room, and vice versa. I want quiet while reading a good book in bed, and even someone's breathing can be a distraction.

I don't believe in the idea that, in marriage, "two shall become as one". I'd want a fully functional and completely separate individual as a partner, not a clone of myself or someone so clingy that she'd emotionally suffocate me.

So, here's one vote for separate bedrooms. .

Try this for fun

Go to bed tonight get laid and and make it deep down and personal
Then decide if you want to go to a separate room to sleep or be held in his arms or vice verca.
If you do leave God help you.

Just my opinion

I was with my girlfriend for seven years. In year six she was injured at work and had to sleep in a special bed. Personally I feel this was the beginning of our rift. It happened slowly but over time we stopped touching each other. Our relationship ended quietly and very alone in separate bedrooms.

I have a very good marriage. We are open and affectionate with each other. I love spending time with my husband. We still hold hands when walking around in public.

I am a VERY light sleeper, and he is a VERY loud snorer. He even breathes loud, and sometimes makes this annoying "click" sound when he breathes. I tried to put up with it during the first 5 years or so, but the lack of sleep was really hurting my health. I tried ear plugs, white noise machines, everything. Sooooo, he started sleeping in the guest bedroom about 7 years ago. It has been a life-saver for me, and I think it has actually helped our marriage. Before, I was so irritable during the night and the next day (because I was so tired). Now, I'm a happy camper, which makes him a happy camper. It's all good.

The reason I want to sleep by myself has nothing to do with my love for my husband - and he knows that. His willingness to do this out of his concern for my health makes me love him even more.

Thirteen years, and still going strong!!

I've seen couples with separate bedrooms. There are basically 3 kinds of people who do that 1) because of loud snoring/cover or bed hog/ect 2) there are troubles in paradise and 3) elderly couples who have regular aches and pains that don't want an accidental bump or kick in the night. Also older couple aren't worried about doing that special thing couples do in the nude. (not that all elderly couples stop that, but the ones in separate bedrooms do)
It does work for some, personally it wouldn't for me and my. I'm not completely knocking it, but my question is why do you want it that way if there are no bed sharing issues? I'm assuming your not elderly either, with a young child in the home. I understand you want you own space for things (who doesn't), but might I suggest a study/craft/alone time room (for guys a man cave, or garage ect). Have you considered either a bigger bed or separate beds in the same room? Personally I don't have bed sharing issues, but I don't want to feel someones hot moist breath on me at night, so we just make sure the bed is big enough, so his breath hole isn't pointed in my direction.
I do think your kid will question it eventually. I did with a friend of my moms as a younger child, and they were actually fine (the 1st example I mentioned).
Truth be told, it doesn't matter what ATS thinks. It's up to you and the hubby, but if it's gonna work then he's going to have to agree. If he doesn't he might take the suggestion personally, so consider seriously at your own risk.

That would be a deal killer for me.

If you like to spread out, get a king size. There is plenty of room to sprawl out. People need intimacy, and sleeping together is part of that.

My dh's snoring could crack drywall. That doesn't mean that I kick him into another bedroom. I just go to bed before him so I fall asleep first and keep a pillow speaker under my pillow so I can listen to the radio if I wake up in the middle of the night.

I would imagine that we would lose a lot if we wer in separate beds and ultimately it would cause some drifting apart.

That sounds like a horrible idea.

I really hope you haven't told your husband about your idea. Seriously, even just telling him you want that would likely put an enormous irreparable crack in your relationship.

My 2 centavos:

I remember all the older folks in my family and their neighbors used to have two bedrooms. Matter of fact, growing up it seemed the norm. I never thought twice about it.

I could not see doing it myself. Maybe it's a generational thing or perhaps cultural. Maybe it's a different dynamic in the relationship.

No way will I tell you what to do. Your call.

reply to post by MojaveBurning


Get a king sized bed.
That way if you feel like cuddling you can.
But if you need space to spin around in your sleep you still can and not kick your hubby in the face by accident.

reply to post by MojaveBurning


Happiness is hard obtain, you might spoil it by going about what you desire that imo makes for an oddball relationship but is not unheard of.

I have some suggestions for you:

1. There is no easy way to tell him, so just tell him you want a "Free Trial" per se and maybe through the difficulty he will soon come to accept it because he loves you and it is what you want and if not don't buy it per se because you don't need the service of a spike in your relationship for a simple matter of your reasons that you could probably resolve by other means.

2. Prepare your plan of action in written form as a offering of your kindness but stating that you have a different opinion on the matter and show your sympathies and give him desired rewards for his understanding of your well being.

3. Don't do it.

Good luck.

If he is like a lot of guys he will be hurt and feel rejected. But honestly I have been with my husband for 22 years now and I can not even begin to tell you how much I want my own bedroom. He is messy, he hogs the bed, he insists on cuddling up next to me, I wake up in the middle of the night with him WAY too close to my face for comfort. I do not like anyone right up in my space. I want to make my bedroom a reflection of me, a retreat from the rest of the world, but I can't. He has all his books cluttering up the place, he leaves his clothes all over his side of the bedroom, he somehow manages to get his pillow cases all yuky and dirty and I really just want breathing room.

Now I know if I were to bring these things up to him that he would feel it was a rejection of him personally rather than look at the logical issues so it's a hard nut to crack so to speak. I told him when the boys are older that he can move into one of their bedrooms and he can come 'visit' me Of course I'm sure he thought I was just joking, but in all reality, I would love nothing more than to have my own space and not feel smothered and infringed on by another body.

Originally posted by grey580
reply to post by MojaveBurning

 

Get a king sized bed.
That way if you feel like cuddling you can.
But if you need space to spin around in your sleep you still can and not kick your hubby in the face by accident.

I have a king sized bed, take it from me.. it isn't enough! My hubby is a bed hog no matter what the size of the bed is! LOL I have come to believe that people who take up the bed, sprawl out, ect.. will fill the space given!

I just posed this question to my wife, and she said she would be deeply offended if I just came out and asked the question without explaining why and trying to work through the issues first.

Our relationship is based on sharing everything, yet we understand each other enough so as to not impede on each others' space, at least not in a malicious or selfish manner.

Ultimately, one can do all the fishing they deem necessary in an attempt to rationalize it but ultimately it is something you will have to work out or compromise as a couple.

The comments here are great. They should build more homes with two master suites. In the end, we all do like our own retreats. The bedroom is one of those reserves that serve well to find that peace and solace. Even if you have three dogs that pile in and hog the bed! LOL

reply to post by MojaveBurning


My parents have separate bedrooms, and I have always supported it because I think my mom should have her own space. My parents get along fine, and they do occasionally sleep in the same bedroom - there aren't any strict rules or anything like that, my mom just has her own room.

From the perspective of a child who witnessed that by the people who raised her, I highly advise against it for your daughters sake. Those who encourage it based on the past seem to forget relationships were different then too.
Today it might (did with me) leave her with a warped sense of how relationships are supposed to be in modern times.

reply to post by MojaveBurning


As a guy, I personally wouldn't feel offended about it, if it were asked of me. That is as long as it was clear that there wasn't some ulterior motive to it, and also that it didn't affect the....ahem....more intimate aspects of a relationship.

Honestly I wouldn't see it as a big deal...However if your hubby feels uncomfortable with it, then perhaps you can suggest a compromise....Such as you lying in bed with him, until he falls asleep, then moving to sleep in your own room afterward.

My husband used to snore so loudly that the NEIGHBORS would ask what the noise was.

After (like an idiot) 20+ years of not getting nearly enough sleep, I finally told him I was laying there awake every night wondering if the local cops would be smart enough to figure out that I had suffocated him with a pillow. He turned white as a sheet and moved into the room farthest away from the master bedroom the next day. Once I finally was getting enough sleep, I was a lot happier person.

The sex was always great, so that's a separate issue.

You don't need a reason; some people just sleep better alone in a room, without the other person breathing, snoring, twitching or whatever. You might find that the sex (if you want it) is hotter than ever once you're rested and getting enough alone time, whatever that amount is. Don't let societal norms determine your happiness, figure it out for yourself. Just explain it to the kids matter-of-factly and they won't care. Ain't nobody happy if mama ain't happy.

PS: If all else fails, you can always develop a 'kicking disorder'.... then maybe he'd encourage some distance

My husband and I both have Asperger's, so we're not big on sleeping all entwined together like a litter of cats. I am a super-light sleeper and a touch would wake me up. As for him, touching means it's time for sex, not sleep.

Then there's the issue of him snoring at decible levels I'm sure violate noise ordinances, and me having to move and flop around in the bed because of my rheumatoid arthritis, I have to keep turning or my joints will hurt me severely.

With all these issues, we started sleeping separately. It has nothing to do with sex. We're retired and the kids are out of the house, so if we're feeling frisky, we go for it. Sleeping is a completely different thing. We actually sleep in shifts. He sleeps from the early afternoon until around midnight. I go to bed around midnight, when he wakes up.

There are no issues in our relationship, other than the previous one of neither of us getting good, quality sleep.

The newer, more expensive houses are now building two master bedrooms, because of this very issue. Wanting and needing a good, solid, peaceful night's sleep doesn't mean that the relationship is on the rocks. Taking caring of ourselves physically means that we're happier and in a better frame of mind. Anybody that is so needy that they cannot be a big boy or girl and sleep by themselves, despite one or both of the partners not being able to get restful sleep might need some soul searching as to why they cannot be alone at night.