Originally posted by smyleegrl
All my life I've had this feeling of.....waiting. For what? I do not know. I only know that it feels as if something's out there, and I'm at the
mercy of its timeline.
I wish I could describe this waiting sensation better, but I don't know that I can.
So I go through my daily routine, waiting for this....something.....and all the while life passes by.
Is it a distraction? Or is my lifestyle distracting me from discovering what I'm waiting for?
I'm 38 years old, I feel like I'm 18, and yet my life is halfway over in all likelihood. And the waiting continues, on and on.
Do you feel it? Have you discovered what you're waiting for? Or, like me, do you still wait?
Any and all replies welcomed.
I used to feel this very same way. For a very long time in my life I felt as if I was waiting for something. This something has changed over and over
through out my life. Waiting for a partner, waiting for a good job, waiting for something to give when things seemed bleak and dissatisfying. Or as
many on ATS subscribe, waiting for the miraculous or terrible. As you put it yourself, it's the waiting game. It's a game, it's our choice whether
we win or lose. Everyone one of us, picks the general idea of what we are waiting for. Something good, or something bad, of all sorts of varying
degrees. It's really a matter of what it is inside that you feel you are waiting for. This may sound confusing, because often we feel we do not know
what it is, but we are just waiting.
It could be embarrassment or shame that keeps us from openly admitting what it may be, but we all know what it is deep down inside. For a long time I
was waiting just like you, and sadly it was for the end. Whether it be a car accident, getting jumped on a walk at night, attacked by an animal.
Something, usually terrible. This evolved into waiting, and wishing for the end of everything. I would look around, watch the news, look at articles
on the web and just be so disgusted with mankind, myself, my life, my "friends". This quite literally drove me to the lowest darkest place in my
life. I was waiting for the end with open arms. Quietly mind you, but I didn't care to be a part of this world. I lost friends, I abandoned friends
feeling hurt by them and the world around me. This ordeal lasted 9months. Alone, it got to a point my physical health suffered. I got lung infections,
kidney pain, stomach pain, swollen glands, stomach issues, weakness, shaking limbs. I had literally given up, and my body was too. It ended me in the
hospital. Yep, depression made me physically ill, and I did not care. I welcomed it. Doctors, tests, medications, to counselors, to a long long long
I'm doing well now, but it's taken a lot of work, and a huge effort on my part to care a little less about the whole of mankind. "Our" problems
are not mine, I am not everyone. I can not carry the worlds burden on my shoulders. I suspect reading many of your posts on ATS we share at least this
one thing in common. We care almost too much. We will selflessly help anyone we can, just to help often putting our own wants needs and emotions
aside. We get so caught up in helping others that we forget about ourselves, and in turn our situations seem to dwindle and we get so frustrated
looking for a hand that we are so quick to hand out to others, but find none. We are absolutely powerless when it comes to helping ourselves. Not that
we are in dismal conditions, but our wants needs and desires often go overlooked and at times these are things we can not do for ourselves. We end up
in one sided friendships, relationships, end up feeling walked on by family even though we've willingly laid ourselves down beneath them. It's as
simple as always offering to pay for a meal, or do things for them. To never saying no. We don't do it expecting anything in return, but we will
often over extend ourselves, and it's not in our nature to say so, so we suffer silently, emotionally, maybe financially, sometimes physically, or
I have a weird feeling you're waiting for someone to save you. Maybe nothing fantastical, but deep down something is eating you, and you're looking
for that hand to pull you back up. It was that way for me, the longer you play the game the darker it gets. The worse the "coming thing" seems. A
wage cut, a death in the family, a catastrophe, your own death, the apocalypse. Don't let yourself get sucked in. IT is a game, you don't have to
Much love Smylee, don't know if I'm right, but if I am always available to talk or listen to those in need.