Once Upon a Time....[LOWWC]

"Hello...I'm here"

"I'll be right over... down... there... I mean..."

Her eyes were mysteriously sad, lonely and inviting, His heart skipped a beat. "This one is going to hurt" He thought to himself. The room was small and sparsely furnished, just the basic necessities of college life. Bare walls tell a tale too...

"So, how was the trip"

"Good, how was the wait?"

Nervously she walked to him taking his travel bag. Placing it carefully amongst her things, as if it were a sign of acceptance or of taking possession.

"This one is mine finally" she thought as she shyly turned back to him capturing his eyes as they admired her slender female form. He quickly looked away clearing his throat after noticing her being aware of his approving admiration. Small talk, nervous looks and gestures. He notices a coffee stain on the carpet.

"Want to go for a walk?"

"I'd love to"

Autumn's early leaves yellowing as they are ground underfoot into the brick pavement. Both nervously walked jelly kneed holding hands for the first time. She interlocking her finger with his. Another sign? A declaration of possession" Their mutual passion for people watching reveals itself making the passing of time easier.

All manner of modern city life passes like the unraveling or telling of a yet to be told tale, this tale, this story, this moment in time, their story.

Settling in to explore each others life experiences with disposable small talk, Starbucks and nervous anticipative glances...

"I feel so comfortable with you"

"Yeah, me too, strange isn't it?"

Placing her hand over his, he turns his palm up to meet hers, Again, interlocking fingers revealing a subtle mutual desire for closer intimacy. Eyes meeting, holding the stare. No hiding his intentions..

"Ready to go?"

"Y......Yeah"

The bright autumn day gave way to a crisp, damp evening as they walked hurriedly passing now empty park benches once populated by unknowns. Street lights guiding an anticipative path..

15 years her senior, she didn't care.

Locking the door that evening

Their story had just begun......

An enjoyable read indeed. Theres some stiff competition in this area, And yours is in there. Nice work

reply to post by TheDoctor46


It's all good. Stiff competition means good writing contributions and that's what this forum is all about.

Win/Win

reply to post by SLAYER69


Very enjoyable. I couldnt help but feel a lot of real world connections and a under laying theme. Hard to explain really...

none the less


PS>> Still awaiting the next installment of the USS Dauntless

ETA

This line

"I'll be right over... down... there... I mean..."

Is very informative.


May i ask, The two were childhood friends/first loves that never developed and that only now through the passage of time they realized their connection?

reply to post by MDDoxs


I was shooting for reader interpretation on that. I wanted them to fill in the void with whatever related personal experiences they've had in their lives.

That way, I thought, it would draw the reader into this small slice or snippet of their experience that day.

reply to post by SLAYER69


A pair of star crossed lovers.

But there seems to be a tension between them...a new couple moving in together??

S+F

reply to post by DAZ21


I think that's kind of the story's premise.
It leaves people wanting to know more

Nice. I could “feel” the moment. I like how you left it open to interpretation, makes me rely on my own imagination as to what happens next.

very well done.


Thanks,
Blend57

reply to post by SLAYER69


That was a very lovely story.

Thanks for sharing.

-nat the blue cat-

Ho. Lee. Crap.

That was eerie.

That was the distillation of an experience many hold in common, right down to the bare bones basic elements. By cutting right to the heart of the story, the essence, the bones, the framework, you've allowed each individual to put the flesh on the story themselves, drawing from their own recollections and thus personalizing it for each reader.

Ho. Lee. Crap.

reply to post by nenothtu


That's exactly how I'm trying to write these days.

I'm still working on the technique.

reply to post by SLAYER69

I was shooting for reader interpretation on that. I wanted them to fill in the void with whatever related personal experiences they've had in their lives.

That way, I thought, it would draw the reader into this small slice or snippet of their experience that day.

Then mission accomplished. It was a very interesting and memory provoking construct.

reply to post by nenothtu

That was the distillation of an experience many hold in common, right down to the bare bones basic elements. By cutting right to the heart of the story, the essence, the bones, the framework, you've allowed each individual to put the flesh on the story themselves, drawing from their own recollections and thus personalizing it for each reader.

I too had old memories stir. Even this part for some reason

He notices a coffee stain on the carpet.

reply to post by MDDoxs


Sort of like the Jeet Kune Do of writing.

Maximum impact with the least amount of effort or leverage.

Very interesting...

I liked it..thanks!

reply to post by SLAYER69


Hi Slayer. I drop by and read the short stories every now and again on this forum. And since this was on the top I thought I'd take a gander at it. I don't really know if we're supposed to give feedback or not, I haven't really read any yet, except for someone that really was just being mean and didn't offer anything constructive. So anyway, if it's okay, here's my two cents on it.

I enjoyed the fact that you kept the paragraphs short and to the point. That is very nice. Good job on that.

It appears you are using an omniscient voice in third person. If that is the case there are a few inconsistencies. Fore example you say her eyes were "mysteriously sad." How are eyes "mysteriously sad"? I don't think they can be. They can "look mysteriously sad." But if that was the case, who thought that they looked like that? Certainly not the author, for it is an omniscient voice, who already knows everything. Was anyone else looking at the eyes that thought that way? Who?

Also it appears you go from an omniscient voice, to the man's point of view, to the woman's point of view. It is all very dizzying.

I would recommend you actually start out with one person's point of view in mind and write only from that perspective, that will give your work a much richer feel to it.

Also you have lots of punctuation errors, usually missing commas. And even periods, like:

"I'd love to"[sic]

This looks like a rough draft. And that's the way rough drafts look. I don't think a rough draft has to be perfect, but it doesn't really look like it was pretty to put up.

There are a lot of grammatical errors as well. For example:

"She interlocking her finger with his." That should actually read: "She interlocked fingers with him," or something like that. Then you have:

"A declaration of possession" Their mutual passion for people watching reveals itself making the passing of time easier."

You have a qutation mark. Just one, you need another one. And to tell you the truth, that sentence if it is just one, is a run on, and if it is two, you're missing a period, and it really doesn't make any sense at all. They have a "mutual passion for people watching." What do they have a mutual passion for? People watching what? You should state what they have a passion for people watching. Also explain how it reveals itself and makes time pass easier.

"All manner of modern city life passes like the unraveling or telling of a yet to be told tale, this tale, this story, this moment in time, their story."

That was pretty good compared to the rest of the story written above.

Hope some of that helps.

reply to post by InTheFlesh1980


I appreciate the feedback both pro and con

reply to post by SubAce


Now here is an interesting post.

Thanks.You know, these are the types of replies that I find most helpful
I consider it very informative and insightful.

I'll attempt to employ this in the next go round.