reply to post by SLAYER69
Hi Slayer. I drop by and read the short stories every now and again on this forum. And since this was on the top I thought I'd take a gander at it.
I don't really know if we're supposed to give feedback or not, I haven't really read any yet, except for someone that really was just being mean
and didn't offer anything constructive. So anyway, if it's okay, here's my two cents on it.
I enjoyed the fact that you kept the paragraphs short and to the point. That is very nice. Good job on that.
It appears you are using an omniscient voice in third person. If that is the case there are a few inconsistencies. Fore example you say her eyes
were "mysteriously sad." How are eyes "mysteriously sad"? I don't think they can be. They can "look mysteriously sad." But if that was the
case, who thought that they looked like that? Certainly not the author, for it is an omniscient voice, who already knows everything. Was anyone else
looking at the eyes that thought that way? Who?
Also it appears you go from an omniscient voice, to the man's point of view, to the woman's point of view. It is all very dizzying.
I would recommend you actually start out with one person's point of view in mind and write only from that perspective, that will give your work a
much richer feel to it.
Also you have lots of punctuation errors, usually missing commas. And even periods, like:
"I'd love to"[sic]
This looks like a rough draft. And that's the way rough drafts look. I don't think a rough draft has to be perfect, but it doesn't really look
like it was pretty to put up.
There are a lot of grammatical errors as well. For example:
"She interlocking her finger with his." That should actually read: "She interlocked fingers with him," or something like that. Then you
"A declaration of possession" Their mutual passion for people watching reveals itself making the passing of time easier."
You have a qutation mark. Just one, you need another one. And to tell you the truth, that sentence if it is just one, is a run on, and if it is two,
you're missing a period, and it really doesn't make any sense at all. They have a "mutual passion for people watching." What do they have a
mutual passion for? People watching what? You should state what they have a passion for people watching. Also explain how it reveals itself and
makes time pass easier.
"All manner of modern city life passes like the unraveling or telling of a yet to be told tale, this tale, this story, this moment in time, their
That was pretty good compared to the rest of the story written above.
Hope some of that helps.