Another Downward Spiral...and on My Birthday

Greetings, ATS.

As happens every four-five years, my PTSD, anxiety, and depression ramp it up. It's been a while since I felt this low, I'd really hoped I wouldn't be at this place again. Yet, here I am.

I have no energy to do anything. Fell asleep Friday at 6:30, slept completely through Saturday and most of Sunday. It was a good sleep, maybe my body needed it.

But there are other troublesome signs. With all the crap at work, I've become numb to it. My shrink says its a coping mechanism, that the feelings hurt to much so your body numbs you. I guess that could be it, work truly is hell right now.

My husband and I have been trying for more than four years to conceive again. The infertility treatments are coming to an end soon, just to much money. At the same time, adoption is outrageously expensive. So I'm upset about that, too.

I feel like I'm simply treading water, waiting for something to happen. Either a boat comes along, or a shark, or I just can't swim anymore. It's a feeling of waiting...everything's on hold....and the entire time my life is passing me by.

I'm doing what I know will help: exercise, vitamins, daily sunshine, etc. my doctor wants to up my medicine, but I said no. I plan to come completely off the anxiety pills (which I only take if needed, and most days I don't). I'm learning some new calming techniques for when my anxiety shoots up, but it takes time.

And today is my birthday....I was really hoping for some flowers. Didn't happen, but my husband can be clueless. Still love him, though.

Thanks for letting me whine and moan, ATS. Now I'm going to watch some videos of giggling babies and goofy animals.

smylee

reply to post by smyleegrl


Hang in there love

Everything happens in due time and according to the whims of the universe!

Yeah, that's sappy as hell..

On a brighter note:

reply to post by smyleegrl


Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday dear (Smyleegrl)

Happy birthday to you

You're still so young!....

I am glad you were born; why you make ask; because I so enjoy your threads and replies; you always have something interesting to say...plus I really like your sense of humor.

reply to post by smyleegrl
Happy Birthday smyleegrl!

HUGS for one and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Sorry you feel so stressed out. I really hope things start looking up for you.

Happy Birthday Smylie!!

I got you this cake, but I kinda dropped it

YOU are a GEM! You shine so brilliantly, with such incredible posts and insightful views.
I remember posting something a few weeks back about my own issues with anger and depression and you provided such helpful advice, among others, that it very well could have saved a foolish and regrettable decision.

Today I will not wish you a "Happy" Birthday. I wish you a congratulations on making it through another year, through all tough times and tribulations you have had and inspiring others to do so as well. Men are forgetful, I had a similar experience with Valentines and have come to realize unless you give a helpful nudge with what you want, they (at least mine) tends to be clueless. At least you can say confidently that the love is there, and if I could send you flowers darling I would. How about taking a walk and finding a beautiful bouquet for yourself. One that you have chosen, to celebrate waking up today and taking a breath of life in.

I'm proud of you for not upping that dose. It seems to be the Doctors first solution, and it takes a lot of courage to take a chance on something else. I really wish I could say I understand what you're going through, but nobody really understands your own personal experience. Just know that you have support, and that you are far too strong to give in to this mental state. Keep trying with the conceiving.. That's all you can do, and I'm sure you've tried a various amount of options but keep trying, even after the medication is done. Don't be so hard on yourself. Modern medicine is no where near as powerful as the human mind.


Oh and hey, I was told I couldn't conceive in my teens as I had several issues with my ovaries and then later had the developing stages of cervical cancer. I became pregnant and lost the child a month later. It was devastating, but the fact that I became pregnant when I was told the chances were slim to none, shows that doctors may not know everything your body is capable of doing. I'm sure as a woman you've heard the numerous stories of other women not being able to conceive and then when they stopped trying, were successful. Just hang in there sugar,
You're in my thoughts today

reply to post by smyleegrl


Happy birthday Smylee. Hope you are feeling better real soon.





And, what's a birthday without a cake....



Sending you Happy, Positive Energy Sweet Woman....

Des

reply to post by smyleegrl


Happy birthday.

I think its normal to get like that every now and again.
Find something to do to go blow off some steam and open up the pressure cooker.
Sometimes i forget about the things I do to make the stress and that depressive state go away.

Don't forget about you on your birthday...go do something that you will enjoy,its your birthday...you deserve it.

reply to post by smyleegrl


Explanation: S&F!



Happy Birthday!

Now as for spirals ... I remember that flowers often have the fibonacci series embedded in their physical forms ...





Fantastic-Fibonacci-Flowers! (by by mathsstar 29. January 2011 16:22) [blog.mathsstar.com]

Take a close look at a sunflower head. Have you noticed that the seeds are arranged in a spiral pattern. Notice, too, that they are REALLY tightly packed! Plants grow new bits from a central point called the meristem. Every new growth comes out of the centre at an angle with the previous growth. However, only with a VERY specific angle can the plant make the most economical use of the space. This angle is called the Golden Angle and is approximately 137.5 degrees. If they didn't grow at this angle, the plant would form its growths (seeds, petals, etc) in rows rather than spirals and you would end up with gaps. Amazing stuff!

Therefor it is ones attitude that counts the most as it sets the angle of attack and please note that 'new growth' comes from within at the center.

Personal Disclosure: This is going to sound extremely bizzaro ... but I recommend that you LITTERALLY unwind yourself by simple turning around colockwise and or anticlockwise whilst you are in the shower and ORIENTATE and ALIGN yourself with the universal energy flow and when you feel comfortable facing that direction you will have become unwound and the universe will leave you be as your attitude would now be in agreement with its greater plans.

It is at that point you can then take charge and drive yourself fowards to achieving whatever goals you have set for yourself ok.

The why for that is as simple as looking at eddies and currents and the ebb and flow of energy ...



... because from the dna up we are built from spirals!

Please click on picture to access the wiki link on DNA ok.

I hope this helps.

Be Well smyleegrl

Happy Birthday, Smylee.

You know, life is funny that way. I have had the same problems with anxiety, depression, etc. I find myself wondering, "What the hell is it all about?" Nothing has ever gone the way I wanted, or imagined it should be. Life has a bad habit of throwing us curve balls all the time.

I have sat and thought that my life was passing me by, while I sit and wait for.....SOMETHING. However, when I look back, all that time that I sat there, depressed, anxious and feeling that I was on the outside looking in, merely a spectator and not a participant, I realize that my expectations and demands of life were the very instruments that took me out of the parade and plopped me on the sidewalk.

It helps to imagine what you would be thinking if you found that you only had a few years left to live. Would you be waiting and anxious, or would you stop and smell the flowers as they presented themselves? The little things are what make up a life well lived. Not the big things. Once you stop expecting certain things, and flow with where the river takes you, you'll find that life is a lot easier and more enjoyable.

PS....Buy yourself something nice today. You deserve it.

Thanks, everyone. I didn't expect such a response.

I'm grateful and very, very humbled.

Love to all,

smylee

reply to post by smyleegrl


Hey, I just saw this thread and decided to take a looksy.

If I could post a video it would be 'birthday' by the Beatles. I listen to that song every year on my bday.

I don't know why you have PTSD. It seems I may suffer as well, but never have found out.
I am on anxiety meds as well.
I've started meditating...and that seems to help me with not taking so many of my meds.

I remember reading your thread about the fertility problem. My mind wanders off so often, I am writing down in my journal right now to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

I would post a pic of some flowers as well..but don't know how.

Peace and love to you my friend flowing from me to you~~~~~~~
-nat the mellow cat-

I've been in a downward spiral as well lately. My friend told me don't let the winter blues get ya down...I like that advice.

reply to post by natalia


PTSD from a rape I survived a while back. Sometimes a smell, sound, etc will trigger a flashback. Then the anxiety attacks.

What happened to me was horrific, but I survived and now I'm a stronger person for it. Except on days like today.

reply to post by smyleegrl


Aha...ok. I'm sorry to hear that.

I fell from a balcony a story down onto concrete stairs. Maybe mine is just traumatic brain injury.

Hope everything gets better for you. Love and hugs to you friend.

-nat

reply to post by smyleegrl


Got you some flours too, Smylee! Ain't I F------ romantic!



Feel better soon, darlin'. And Happy Freakin' birthday!

I have many war veteran friends that meet once a week in a PTSD group. I tell most of them that PTSD stands for PUT THE SHOTGUN DOWN! For the big jolly fat one I tell him he was mistaken; PTSD does NOT stand for Pass The Sugar Doughnuts.

You are a wonderul lady and deserve all the best!

Happy Birthday Smyleegirl!
I hope you are feeling better soon, and just wanted you to know that there is one more person who appreciates you!

Well...happy belated birthday since I just came across your thread.

I hope things get better for you...I truly do.

It's odd how these things happen huh? The triggers I mean....

You're a tough chick....I can just tell. I'm amazed at the the strength you have to face what has happened to you and you do it with such grace and composure.

You're in my thoughts