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[LOWWC] The Old Man is Snoring

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posted on Feb, 18 2013 @ 01:49 PM
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"In the midst of terror is when we are given the opportunity to conquer fear itself"

The clatter of large droplets of water tap against the old wood shingled roof. The sound of rumbling thunder echoes in the distance. An old man is sitting in a soft cushioned recliner it has been his favorite sitting chair for many years. He pulls an old worn wooden lever to the side of the chair, slowly he leans backwards, and drifts into a deep sleep. He feels as though he is floating, no solidness anywhere, all he can perceive is mist all around. A voice is heard in the distance, it is the voice of a small girl singing "its raining its pouring the old man is snoring".

The old man didn't enjoy being titled, as old. Enraged he shouted out "I shall never retire, I am not an old man!!!" He is 82 years of age, but still works his job as a window washer, that he has worked for so many years. There is silence for what seems to be a great deal of time. Then suddenly, the fog around the old man goes from a misty white to a dark red with black riddled throughout it. The girls voice projects as a shattering earsplitting noise through the mist, it sounds as if it is made of thunder "PROVE IT!!!!".

The Old man feels a sensation of falling, and feels his old feeble feet crash into solid ground, he falls over, and clutches his feet in pain. The tapping sound of footsteps approaches, and a voice from above the foot clatter speaks, it is deep voice "I thought you said you weren't old.....sir". The old man hearing this clenches his fists, and sets them on the ground. With all of his strength, he pushes himself up, and stands facing the man. He was dressed in a black suit, his skin, and hair matched the color of the suit. The only thing in his appearance that differed were the eyes of the mysterious character, they are a combination of yellow red, and orange, and have slitted pupils like a reptile. Speaking to the suited man. The old man replies"Your only old if you allow yourself to be." The suited character lets out a laugh, it sounds strangely similar to the sound of hail clattering against a roof. The suited character then without warning shouts "PROVE IT"

The old man falls backwards, over a large rocky cliff. Terror fills every fiber of his soul, the dark misty world spinning all around him. A wall of water approaches quickly, he jerks his body, the spinning ceases, The water nearly to him he braces for impact. Nearly there, he closes his eyes, it seems as though every bone in his body shatters, the old man grips on to the painful reality with desperation, as he starts to feel himself slipping away into the abyss that is death.

With every effort he could muster up, he scraps his way up to the surface of the blistering cold water. Vigorously shivering, he can hear something under the water. It sounds like static, at that very moment he feels surges of electricity jolt through his old broken body. It is over, he had given it his all, but after the shock, the old man cannot endure anymore, he lays his face into the cold water and is ready to let everything go.

Yet he cant, as he starts to sink, his arm reaches up, and grabs the sharp rocky ledge at the base of the cliff. His arm pulls, then the other arm, raises out of the water, like a dead man rising. Then comes his head, water came spewing out of his crinkled old mouth. As he hangs there gasping for air, his attention is brought to his feeble state, the pain, the damage, his aged reality. It all disconnects, he could still feel it all, but it no longer had an effect on him, it was if he had no limits anymore.

=================================================================================

His eyes open, he looks up at the ceiling, dripping profusely with rain water. He looks around the room, there is a shallow pool of water throughout his house. There is a subtle cracking noise heard, then it abruptly becomes moderate, and before the old man can react, a portion of his ceiling comes crashing down towards him. He yells in agony as a large board smashes down on his feet at the base of the recliner.

In extreme pain, he looks up at the large hole in his ceiling, and he thinks he can see something circular with glowing orange lights moving away out of sight. Hearing the song of the girl echoing in his head, he placed his clenched fists on the arms of the soaked chair, and sits himself up. He reaches forward, grabs the board, and lifts it from off of his feet.

He brings himself in his pain stricken state to stand up. He can hear a slight echoing noise of footsteps, like from the suited dark figure in his dream. He hears another cracking sound, he quickly looks up at the partially collapsed ceiling as the floor beneath him collapses into the basement below. He is plunged into a large pool of blistering cold water that had filled his basement. He quickly brings himself up to the surface of the water.

It was as if time had slowed down, he looks around as he desperately treads the water. An exposed electrical wire loosens from the wall it is attached too. The old mans eyes grow large as he watches in slow motion, the wire come crashing into the water. The pain of electricity surges through the old mans feeble stricken body. After a few long moments of enduring this, the old man's face plunges into the water, and he feels as good as dead.

Something happens, his arm reaches up, grabs a sharp broken board, somehow the arm pulls him up, and followed by the arm, comes the other, then comes the head. As he hangs there gasping for air, his attention is brought to his feeble state, the pain, the damage, his aged reality. It all disconnects, he can still feel it all, but it no longer has an effect on him, it is as if he has no limits anymore.

With ease, he pulls himself out of the collapsed foundation, and up to the shallow pool that covers the interior of his house that was rapidly draining into the basement. With great vigor he walks out into the street, where a rescue team runs towards him, and brings him to they're vehicle. As he sits recovering in the vehicle, he hears the words "prove it" echo in his head. Those two words echoed in his mind as sixty years passed. It seems he appeared as an old man, but lived as if he was full of youth. Something happened that night, something unexplainable, but something very real to that old man.




posted on Feb, 21 2013 @ 01:46 AM
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I really liked your story. You have a good voice. It has a lot of puncuation and grammatical errors in it, I think it is worth it actually revising it to get it right.

Also, one thing I noticed you do with your writing, you change back and forth between past and present tense. Here let me give you a simple example (they can be found throughout this story):

"Then comes his head, water came spewing out of his crinkled old mouth."

Most of the story reads as present tense, yet you use verbiage sometimes, like this above where you switch to past tense, "water came spewing out." You should just really stick to one tense, either past or present.

Still an interesting story. Sounds like something out of the Twilight Zone. (queue spooky music.)



posted on Feb, 21 2013 @ 08:58 AM
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reply to post by Khedwulf
 


I also like your story but have to agree with Subace.

There's also a phrase in writing that I think could help your work. It's a concept that many including myself have trouble with, and even when you understand the concept you have to keep on your toes to avoid falling foul of it. We're all guilty of it so please don't take it as a slieght, but when you manage it, it elevates all fiction. The phrase is "Show don't tell".



posted on Feb, 21 2013 @ 10:11 AM
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reply to post by Khedwulf
 


S & F

Now this one here was very interesting.

I read this one first thing this morning with my coffee.


I'm glad you chose to participate. We need good writers in the forum



posted on Feb, 21 2013 @ 05:02 PM
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Originally posted by SubAce
I really liked your story. You have a good voice. It has a lot of puncuation and grammatical errors in it, I think it is worth it actually revising it to get it right.

Also, one thing I noticed you do with your writing, you change back and forth between past and present tense. Here let me give you a simple example (they can be found throughout this story):

"Then comes his head, water came spewing out of his crinkled old mouth."

Most of the story reads as present tense, yet you use verbiage sometimes, like this above where you switch to past tense, "water came spewing out." You should just really stick to one tense, either past or present.

Still an interesting story. Sounds like something out of the Twilight Zone. (queue spooky music.)


Yeah my grammar, and punctuation definitely need improvement. I have realized this for awhile, but now it is time to stop procrastinating, and correct my overall writing flaws. Starting at this moment now, I am going to start vigorously studying English, so that I can be a more proficient writer. Thank you for helping me realize that I really need to improve, hopefully now as I continue to post here on ATS, my overall grammar, and punctuation flaws will begin to decrease, and eventually cease to be.

As for the past tense, and present tense. I originally wrote the story in past tense, but then decided to change it to present tense, but it seems that I missed a few spots. I wasn't sure if the story should have been present or past.






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