Return of the semi-bionic woman [LOWWC]

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posted on Feb, 15 2013 @ 02:12 PM
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Like a red-shirted ensign in a Star Trek episode, I had a feeling it was going to be a bad day. The registration nurse who greeted me smiled behind her surgical mask (or was she sharpening her tusks and I just couldn’t see it)? She explained that she had elected not to receive a flu shot this year and was required to wear the mask for protection. I could tell that it also served as her scarlet-lettered symbol of rebellion from the pharmaceutical-wielding world of Western medicine. “Not one of us!” it accused.

I shuddered like an old elevator beginning its descent at the thought of turning myself over to the cut-and-drug assembly line. But, it had to be done. Years of intense sports and repetitive strain had scraped the cartilage from my hip socket like a big orange scoop hollows out a Halloween pumpkin. Now, whenever I walked, bone grated against bone with all the subtlety and grace of Nancy Pelosi at a press conference.

My captors inducted me into the system with a weigh-in, like a fish on a big scale. After donning a lavender gown with rear air conditioning and green non-slip socks, I handed over my clothes and belongings in a plastic bag. No longer a person, I became a patient. I tried to get my bearings, to find some frame of reference for comfort, but even the painting on the wall was an odd rendition not unlike the Internet Grumpy Cat meme in blue. He watched me disapprovingly as I peeked through the medical supply drawers to kill the time.

Drone orderlies and nurses buzzed into the prep room, covering me with gooey, honeyed strands of devices and wraps. By far, my favorite was the anesthesiologist, not for his Marcus Welby bedside manner, but for the vibrant, Avatar-world head trip, into which, he would soon plummet me. I asked if I might have little cans of the loopy drug to give as Christmas gifts next year, but he seemed to think the Establishment frown upon this like a prostitute in a Downton Abbey episode.

At last, flanked by friendly executioners, I was escorted to the operating room scaffold on foot. “How cruel!” I thought, that they make you walk to your pyre. Then again, I remembered, it may be the last chance to walk on my own for a while, and relished each step.

The room was cold like the shock of ice cream on the roof of your mouth just before a brain freeze, but soon, I no longer felt it. The world simply went away, and when it came back again some hours later, I could feel the surgeons tugging the viscera of my hip back together as if they were overstuffing a pillow in layers and then stitching each stratum together before it burst out. At last, with the old decrepit parts removed, the shiny, new ones inserted and everything trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey, I lay, waiting for the button to pop up from my stomach with a big “ping!” to indicate that I was indeed done.

A week later, flitting about from room to room of my home, with only a crutch dangling from one of my butterfly wings to remind me of the experience, I feel lucky to be free of the Spanish Inquisition’s cruel year-long occupation of my joint. Heretic though I may be, I never did confess.

(A true story, based on the last seven days of my life)

Cheers,

Grace




posted on Feb, 23 2013 @ 04:37 PM
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reply to post by graceunderpressure
 


I just loved this story (sorry about your ordeal though). I really enjoyed your comparisons, the way you went into little details...very well done !!

S&F !

Have a nice and safe recovery !!



posted on Feb, 23 2013 @ 04:58 PM
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I smiled a mile wide when I read this:

" I asked if I might have little cans of the loopy drug to give as Christmas gifts next year, but he seemed to think the Establishment frown upon this like a prostitute in a Downton Abbey episode."

That was great! The whole thing was really relatable and it seemed effortless for you to write. You gave a lot of detail and managed to package a difficult event in a humorous way, it was really a great read.Thanks for sharing it.

I too am sorry you had to go through the ordeal and I hope you are doing better now. I can't stand hospitals, IMO you were brave to go through all that.



posted on Feb, 26 2013 @ 04:48 PM
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reply to post by SonoftheSun
 


Thank you, Son of the Sun -- what kind words!

Gimpy Grace



posted on Feb, 26 2013 @ 04:55 PM
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reply to post by Mijamija
 


Thank you, Mijamija. I'm glad that most of the ordeal is behind me (I, too, dislike hospitals). At least, the whole thing went rather quickly and wasn't as painful as I'd feared. Writing about it helped me get over it.

I really appreciate your comments.



posted on Mar, 2 2013 @ 02:20 PM
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graceunderpressure
This was a great story i enjoyed the read ! S&F peace,sugarcookie1



posted on Mar, 6 2013 @ 11:40 AM
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Originally posted by sugarcookie1
graceunderpressure
This was a great story i enjoyed the read ! S&F peace,sugarcookie1


Sugarcookie, thank you so much! Sorry for the delayed reply. I'm still in recovery mode.



posted on Mar, 6 2013 @ 01:10 PM
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graceunderpressure
No problem i hope you get better fast and your story was very good hugs..peace,sugarcookie1





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