Valentine’s Day is coming up and while others are planning to spend the evening by a warm fire with a bottle of wine and play erotic Scrabble-- as
per usual, I was planning to spend the night by the refrigerator with a 2-liter bottle of Shasta and watch a David Lynch flick.
I’m not a romantic and I don’t have many special partners in my life. That all changed recently when I started to suspect that I had a secret
admirer. Whenever I went shopping I would come out of the stores and walk back to my car to find some personal mementos placed carefully under my
windshield wipers. How did they know I would enjoy a “buy 1—get 1 half-off” coupon for Carvel ice cream cakes? How did they know I was looking
for a new place to smog my car? I could tell that someone was trying very carefully to win my affection. I felt very flattered and couldn’t wait to
see what else Cupid had in store for me!
Then came the mysterious gifts. It started out innocent enough when I would come home and find them on my welcome mat. It was so thoughtful of them
to leave me a bottle of Listerine and Ice Breakers cool mints. I think they were trying to send the message that they were shy and looking for a way
to “break the ice.”
Then the next day I noticed a slip of spiral notebook paper in my mailbox with hearts and smiley faces drawn all over it with an orange Hi-Liter. It
was a beautiful sonnet written in classical form! Here are just a few of the lines that really made my stomach flutter:
“When I’m lonely and the longing gets too much
I send a cable coming in from above
We don’t need no phone at all
We’ve got this thing called radar love
We’ve got a wave in the air
Doesn’t that just melt your heart? Well, I was intrigued, but a bit skeptical. I called everyone I knew to find out who my secret admirer might be;
no luck. I figured it was just one of my prankster friends—they’re always joking around saying things like, “How did you get this number?”
I was too excited to sleep, and for the last few nights I just stayed up all night playing XBOX360 LIVE and snacking on Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. When I
got bored I logged in to see what was new on ATS and got an alert for 8 unread messages in my inbox! Wow, that was unusual since no one ever messaged
me except the mods to tell me that my post was removed for being off-topic. All the private U2Us were from the same member…at first I thought this
was really sweet, but after reading some of the messages I was officially creeped out!
This person was clearly my “secret stalker-admirer” as they seemed to know everything about me: they knew that I think Tab is a vastly underrated
soda, that I prefer the WNBA because of their good fundamentals, and that I wear sandals when I go swimming in natural bodies of water because I’m
afraid of stepping on something gross. This person had way too much intimate knowledge of me and it was making me very nauseous!
The fact that they made the connection between me and my ATS account is just eerie! I won’t badmouth them in this thread because I still want them
to have a Happy Valentine’s Day.
Besides, their posts speak for themselves! Be cautious when dealing with this member! But don’t take my word for it. Here is their profile:
Much love, joy, happiness, and 'gettin' lucky' to everyone on ATS
edit on 13-2-2013 by NarcolepticBuddha because: (no reason given)