I feel like I'm having a bit of an epiphany today, so I thought it might be worth sharing with my ATS brethren.
I believe that I have, like Jacob from the Bible wrestled with God. I've been goaded, I've been passive aggressive in my search for absolute love
(that's funny). I've been through the ringer you might say (as I'm sure have many of you). I've had not one dark night of the soul, but at least
FOUR of them! (that's funny too) I've been through spiritual crisis, I've even been deluded and psychotic (but in a meaningful way). I've woken up
with night terrors and under spiritual attack. Forces of good and evil have buffeted me, chasing me as I've run this way and that to and fro, causing
me to rebel and to fall, to get up and climb to the top of the mountain only to fall again (what goes up must come down). "Been there done that got
the t-shirt" as they say. All in all you could say that I am mad, touched, but in a good way, and let's face it we are all "touched" each in our
own way, and we are all mentally ill to a greater or lessor degree (some of us moreso than others), lacking as it were in perfect mental health and
well being (from "The Road Less Traveled" by M.Scott Peck MD).
But after running the maze over and over again, and after countless turns of the hamster wheel, and seemingly without reward, we may find eventually
(I'm 47 now with my first spiritual "crackup" occurring when I was 29), that we do receive the final reward, which when it comes, at last, comes in
the form of a sense of absolute freedom (Liberation with a capital L) and acceptance, whereby we accept what is as it is, and become accepted
ourselves, reintegrated you might say (since we were on the outside before, desperately trying to tunnel our way in), and then we sight and laugh at
ourselves and realize that this new domain of Liberation and self acceptance and self love (the love of love?) places no constraints upon us and no
limitations on the possible range of our human experience as we really are. It's like a discontinuous, instantaneous switch between what was
inauthentic relative to what is real and true and more freely self expressed - without opposition.
Nothing opposes me any more.
There is nothing to fear. I need not even be afraid of being afraid, and if I need to fear then I'm also free to that until there is no fear again.
There's no more need to even take myself all that seriously any more, and so my humor and charm is restored.
I'm free to jump in the air clicking my heals and sing an absurd song in the midst of an urban center thronged with mindless and self-occupied
hoards, and make a fool of myself on everyone's behalf, if I so choose.
There is no more evil, and no power or principality which has any interest in coming against me, because I've already been tested, and have tested
He who loves God is loved by God, and if God is for us then who or what can stand against us.
This then is the flow of life, having no opposition it flows freely but in an entirely non-coercive, invitational manner, it's non-dual and it's an
immediate present moment experience of the domain of absolute, unconstrained and unfettered freedom of potential human expression and personal
experience, so it's like suddenly discovering one's true self as a new self where "new wine goes into new wineskins".
It's funny, because of what we had to go through to get there, but it was there all along and we were merely deluded, or, maybe the "hero's
journey" does require the desert experience, the dark night of the soul, the attacks, the defeats and the triumphs, to really be appreciated for what
it is and represents, as a gateway access point into a new life and a whole new outlook on one's self, others and the glorious world we inhabit.
I think it's an idea whose time has come, which is uniquer each to own's own personal spiritual experience while at the same time ALSO being a human
experience that we are all sharing and exploring together, each from our own angles and perspectives.
But the light of the real reality tunnel on the other side of our deluded ones, it's not a thought, but an experience, of absolute Liberation.
Associate member of the Messianic Division of the Mad Pride
Movement (not to
be confused with Gay Pride not that there's anything wrong with that).